Celeste

  My fingers fumbled with the buttons on my shirt. Elliot stared up at me, that lustful smile deepening, brightening his eyes, twisting his lips. He puffed and then squashed the joint in the damp earth as I took off the shirt and began to undo the corset. His smile changed to a look of real astonishment and fascination,

  "I can't get over it," he said and laughed. "Here I thought you were just a tough country kid. Okay, now your jeans," he said. "Hurry up. You're taking too long."

  To me it seemed as if I had stopped breathing again. I even felt like I was out of my body, standing off to the side of the pine tree watching the whole scene like some interested observer. I had to kneel down to undo my shoes and then step out of my jeans.

  "I can't get over you wearing boy's underwear." he said. "It looks stupid. Get it off quickly." he commanded, waving his hand at me.

  I did it, and then I tried to look away, but he snapped at me again.

  "Face forward," he said. "Keep your arms down at your side. Just stand there." he directed and put his hands behind his head as he lay back and gazed up at me. "You know, even though you're chubby in places, you have a better body than Harmony. You're firmer around the rear, and you don't droop like she does. What a waste for you, dressing and acting like a boy."

  "Won't you let me be?" I pleaded. "Now."

  "You have to be kidding." he said. He started to undo his jeans. "Come here." he said and reached up for my hand. It was like bringing my fingers to a candle flame. I moved so slowly, and when he seized my hand and pulled me to him. I felt as if I had fallen into the fire.

  "It s going to be better today," he whispered, his hands moving over my breasts, down the sides of my body, around my legs and over them, bringing me closer to him and then turning me onto my back. He pushed himself up and over me and gazed down at me.

  "All this," he said. "and money, too. What a lucky guy am I."

  He was in me again, turning and twisting me to fit himself comfortably between my legs. I kept my eyes closed and tried to put myself somewhere else, but my body would not cooperate. It seemed to rush to him and not away from him. He went longer before he shuddered inside me this time, and when he did, he moaned loudly in my ear. After it ended, he lay there over me, breathing hard.

  "Told you," he whispered and finally turned over to lie next to me on the blanket. "Told you it would be better this time."

  I turned away from him. What suddenly interested me was the silence. It seemed as if what we had done had silenced the birds. Nothing moved. Even the breeze had paused, and the world was still. I heard him sit up and fumble with something. Then I smelled the marijuana again. He poked me, and I turned back to him.

  "Here," he said. I shook my head.

  "Take it and smoke it," he ordered and kept it before my face. "Don't make me angry," he warned.

  I took it and puffed on it as quickly as I could. He insisted I do it right and went through instructions once more. Then he lit one for himself. I went toward my clothing, but he stopped me.

  Relax, " he said. "Weve only just begun. Finish your joint. Enjoy the day. When will you get me more money?"

  "I don't know. Maybe next week." I said. "Okay. Let's plan on a payment once a week."

  "I don't know how much I can get you if I have to do it every week."

  "I don't want five dollars. Make s at least fifty," he said. "Yeah, fifty will be fine. Fifty a week."

  I had no idea how I would get that. but I said nothing. "I want you to tell me more about yourself."

  "What?"

  "How do you live? Are you always a boy, even when you're inside your house and no one can see? Do you wear a dress in the house?"

  "No," I said.

  "Keep smoking. Don't waste the stuff. It was expensive, and its good," he asserted.

  I did what he asked. He stared at me and shook his head.

  "I don't get this. I still don't understand, not that Im complaining," he added. smiling. "Why can't you just be what you are. anyway?"

  I didn't answer. The joint was making me dizzy again. I felt his fingers over my breasts and his lips on my neck.

  "Huh? How come?"

  "It's what my mother wants," I said. I was feeling like I was talking in my sleep.

  "She's crazy. Your mother's really crazy. Maybe I should tell people. Maybe I should get you out of that house. Maybe you could even come live with us," he said laughing. "Just think of that.

  I shook my head, and then I couldn't help sobbing. Real, thick hot tears began to streak down my cheeks.

  "Take it easy." I heard him say. "I'm just kidding. You want to live with a loony woman, live with her. I won't tell. We have a good thing going. Don't worry about it. Relax," he said, and he was over me again.

  This time I really felt as if I was floating. My body was supple beneath him. He turned and molded me to him easily. All resistance was drained out of me. I thought about my rag dolls, and I imagined I had turned into one. I went from crying to laughing, and he started laughing. too. When it was over, he was even more pleased and kept complimenting me.

  "We're going to have good times," he said. "I'll make up for all you've missed. That's a promise. I don't want to keep calling you Noble. though. It makes me feel... queer. What should I call you? Huh? What?"

  I looked at him.

  "Celeste," I said, and the moment I said it. I felt I had done something worse than Judas had done. However, he didn't understand.

  "Naw," he said. "I don't like that name. I'm going to call you Jane. You can call me Tarzan," he declared and howled and beat his chest.

  I thought he was very funny. He got up and paraded around our blanket naked, pretending to be an ape. He lit himself another marijuana joint. Slowly, I began to return to earth. I felt myself falling back like a balloon that leaked air, and it was truly as if I was bouncing about the blanket. My stomach rumbled now. too. While he smoked and howled and laughed at his own silly remarks. I managed to get dressed.

  He finally realized it and said. "Yeah, Ive got to get going. too."

  He started to dress, but stopped every few moments to laugh and howl. I had never seen anyone drunk, but it seemed to me this was what it was like. Still puffing on his marijuana, he completed his dressing, and then he seized my hand.

  "Come on." he urged. "Walk me back."

  "No." I said shaking my head. "I've got to get home before my mother returns from her errands."

  "You got time. I want to know more." he insisted. "Walk," he said and tugged me so hard. I stumbled forward and almost fell. That put him into another fit of laughter.

  "What about your blanket?" I asked, turning back.

  "Leave it. We'll use it tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow," he replied, which made him laugh again.

  We stumbled through some brush and into the woods until we reached the edge of the creek, him pulling me along and holding onto my hand as if he was a blind person who needed me alongside. He did seem to have trouble navigating. He even banged his shoulder against a tree. I kept telling him I had to get home, but he just laughed and surged forward until we reached the water.

  At this particular side of the creek, there were a series of large rocks that ran across to the other side. The water was still at a high level and rushing along the sides. The rocks gleamed like chunks of ice when the sun broke through some clouds.

  "My shortcut." Elliot said, waving at the rocks. He stood there smiling stupidly at me. "I have an idea. Tomorrow, how about you come to me. I'm getting tired of this woods. My sister won't be home. She's onto a new boyfriend, and she goes to his house every afternoon. My father's on his daytime schedule this month, so we'll have the house to ourselves. I sorta like the idea of your being in my bed. and I bet you will love it, too." he added. "Just appear at the back door the same time."

  He waved at the air between us as if that was that. Then he stared out at the creek a moment like someone who was indecisive. He was still holding tightly to my hand.

  "I have to go home
," I said softly.

  "Huh? Oh. Yeah." He seemed to have difficulty focusing on me. "You didn't tell me much more about yourself and your mother. I want to hear it all tomorrow, understand? Understand?" He asked, raising his voice.

  "Yes. yes. I understand," I said.

  "Okay." He nodded and looked across the creek. "Okay."

  He let go of me and started to cross. paused. and looked back.

  "You're not gain' g to pretend to be a boy forever, you know," he said.

  It sounded like a prediction, and his face was so different, even his voice was changed when he spoke. I wondered if some spirit was speaking through him.

  He returned to his navigating over the rocks. I stood for a moment watching him. He slipped once and got his right foot soaked.

  "Damn," he shouted, and then he started laughing. I was still feeling unsteady myself. but rather than fall into a laughing jag, I wanted to cry. I sniffed back my tears and swallowed and swallowed.

  Just as I started away from the creek. I heard him scream and turned to see him fall backward into the water. He started laughing again and waved.

  "Who pushed me?" he cried and laughed again.

  He splashed about and reached for the rock from which he had tumbled, but the raging creek actually turned him. The water was still quite cold, despite the start of spring. Most of it was coming from melting snow and ice from the mountains above. I thought.

  "Hey," I heard him scream, as if he could talk to the water and bawl it out for interfering. "I think I feel a fish in my shot," he cried and laughed again.

  He was carried farther away from this rock bridge, and although his efforts to prevent it were futile, he didn't seem in any panic: I took a few steps back toward the water.

  "Hey. Look. A shark's after me." he shouted, and then his head went down below the water.

  He popped up and flailed about, turning as he did so. I saw he got some footing, but when he attempted to stand, he fell backward. He laughed again, even though this time he was carried more forcefully away. I ran to the shore of the creek, and from there. I watched him swinging his arms and struggling to take hold of rocks, branches, anything, until he went under again and then emerged just as he rounded the far turn. He waved at me and shouted. "Call the Coast Guard!" His laugh died away as he disappeared.

  It was quiet, except for the gurgling sound of the water as it rushed by and over the rocks.

  "Elliot!" I called. "Are you all right?"

  I stared at the turn where he had disappeared from sight and waited. I called again. My voice was swallowed up by the sound of the creek. A large crow, however, shot off a high tree branch and flapped its wings madly. When it cried, it sounded like laughter to me.

  He must have gotten out on the other side. I thought, He was probably lying there laughing at it all, especially laughing at me. I've got to get home. I realized. Mommy might already be back. I hurried away. avoiding brambles and branches the best I could. When I broke out of the forest and into our meadow. I could see that Mommy was not yet back. I sighed with relief and continued to the house.

  As soon as I got there, I went upstairs to my room and undressed. I took a hot and then a cold shower, and it seemed to help me clear my mind. By the time I dressed again and went downstairs. Mommy had returned. She seemed very, very happy. Her face was beaming.

  "Noble," she cried when she saw me. "I have wonderful news. Mr. Bogart has already found us customers who will buy everything that we can produce. Were going to expand our garden. Oh. I know we don't need the money so desperately, but it will be fun to be doing something valuable, won't it? He was even talking about creating a brand. He suggested Sarah's Herbal Wonders. It would be something for you to inherit someday, too. Another legacy."

  She paused.

  "You look freshened up. What have you been doing?"

  "I tried my saw. I have to get used to it." I said.

  "Of course. Pm glad you're responsible enough to realize such a thing. I went to the supermarket and bought some very lean pork chops. I'll stuff them, and well have a little celebration." she decided and went off to the kitchen.

  I went outside and sat on the porch, gazing off at the woods. What had I done? How much deeper had I fallen? I wondered. A part of me was

  treacherous. Even though Elliot was forcing me to do his will. I was unable to keep myself from confessing my excitement and pleasure over some of it. I wanted to harden myself against myself.

  I imagined Mommy would say it was the Celeste in me again, but all this did was make me question and challenge my own identity. Who was I now? Who would I be? You can't be a boy forever. Elliot had said, but if I wasn't, Mommy would have to bury Noble again in a proper grave with a tombstone.

  The image of her digging him up crossed my troubled mind. It was gross and actually made my stomach churn. I would have to help. I would have to take off Celeste's clothes and put Noble's on his decomposed body. I shuddered, stood up as though I was being haunted, and quickly walked off the porch and went to the barn to busy myself with cleaning the chain saw.

  Later Mommy called me to dinner, and I had to force myself to have a big appetite. She had gone ahead and made an apple pie, too, and when she cut me a piece, she cut a large one as usual and plopped a chunk of rich vanilla ice cream over it. She was still keeping me overweight,

  "I didn't actually stop at a car dealership. Noble. but I went by one and I saw this red sedan you would just love. It was one of those very fancy cars with the shiny wheels, you know. I sat back and saw you washing the car every weekend. Remember when you and your daddy would do that?"

  "Yes."

  "We're going to have wonderful times again. Noble, wonderful times."

  After dinner she went into the living room and played some of her favorite old-time songs, songs she said her mother had loved and even her grandmother enjoyed.

  "They would stand around the piano and sing." she told me. "Our home was so warm, so full of love. Grandpa Jordan would pretend it was just a lot of noise to him, but when I stole a glance. I saw the happy smile on his face and the way he looked at my grandmother. She was a beautiful woman with an angelic smile.

  "She still has that smile, of course. That's the wonder of the spiritual existence. Noble. You are frozen in your happiest, most beautiful and handsome moments. Some day you'll know what I mean. Someday," she said, her voice drifting off with the music.

  Could we be that happy? I wondered, Would everything turn out all right after all? Would I be blessed and given the powers, all the powers, even though I had done what I had done?

  Despite the events of the day, I went to sleep with an air of optimism about me. Mommy was so strong. I thought. She could change the face of time. She would keep me safe. I cuddled up beneath my covers and dreamed of the time when she would be playing the piano and I would see and hear all our family spirits who stood around and sang. Daddy would have his arm around my shoulders and he would kiss my cheek. and I would feel it, actually feel it again.

  "See," he would say, "-your mother is a special lady."

  As soon as we finished our breakfast the next day. Mommy had me join her in the garden. We worked side by side for hours, turning the earth, planting her herbs. As we worked, she talked more about her early life and told me stories I had never before heard.

  "You know. I wanted a little brother or sister for the longest time," she said. "I was lonely and it was always hard to have friends over to our home. My mother tried to have more children. She did

  everything Grandma Jordan told her to do, but nothing worked, and after a while, they concluded that because Mommy was only able to have me, I must be someone very, very special.

  "My mother became my best friend," she told me and smiled at me. "Just like I'm your best friend and always will be. Noble. That's okay, isn't it?"

  "Yes," I said. "But you went to public school. Didn't you ever have a close friend?"

  "No," she said quickly and turned away from me. Then sh
e hesitated and turned back. "There was someone once, a girl in the ninth grade. Sandra Cooke, but she became friends with very bad kids. and I knew I would get into trouble if I stayed friends with her. I told her mother on her, and she hated me forever afterward.''

  "What did she do?"

  "She was, as they used to say. promiscuous. You don't know what that means because you don't read enough. Noble, but let's just say she was loose with her body, and she did things with boys she shouldn't have done."

  Of course I knew what it meant. but I said nothing.

  "She didn't seem to care who she was with. Your body can betray you sometimes," she continued. "People think pleasure is something good all the time, but it's not. Sometimes, it's just the evil spirits' way to open doors to your very soul. Once inside, they can rot you like an apple.

  "But," she said, running her fingers through my short hair. "you must not worry about that. It v ill never happen to you."

  She looked up at the sky.

  "Let's work faster. Its supposed to rain hard today," she said. "and most likely tomorrow as well."

  We did work until the rain began, and then we went inside and I sat by the window and read and watched the wind whip the sheets of drops over the trees and meadow. Daddy hated long rainstorms. but Mommy would tell him it cleansed the world and he should be grateful. Of course he retorted with. "It makes it harder for builders, and that doesn't help our bottom line ,

  "It's your soul's bottom line I would worry about," Mommy countered, and he would pull his ear and smile at me. "Can't argue with a mystic," he sometimes said. Mommy hated to be called that.

  "There's nothing mystical about me. Nothing mysterious. What's mysterious to me is why so many people are blind to the beauty of the spiritual truths in our world," she said.

  In the end Daddy surrendered and went off laughing about the futility of arguing with her. There was a different sort of music in our house then, a different sort of light. too. Would all that return as Mommy promised?

  I watched the rain until I grew tired and went to sleep. The following day. as Mommy had predicted, it rained until late in the afternoon. It was almost dark before it stopped, in fact. I sat in the living room and completed some of my workbook assignments. Suddenly a sweep of light passed over the wall. and I looked up sharply. I heard a door slam and then another. Moments later the bell rang. and Mommy came out of the kitchen. She looked curiously at me and wiped her hands on her apron. I shook my head.