Still Jaded

  I looked at Bryce and a part of me leapt in my throat. He looked hurt, suspicious, and hopeful all at the same time. I wanted to hurt him the night before. I still wanted to do that, but when I saw the hope, it flared in me too. What'd I said to Denton had been true. No matter the situation, I knew I'd always love Bryce. "We both got drunk and passed out. I woke up and thought Corrigan was you. We kissed—"

  "I thought she was a girl that I took home the night before. I was out of it too."

  "We stopped right away. I realized it wasn't you." I rushed out the explanation even though I knew it wasn't enough, and then I waited to see how he'd react to the truth. I hoped that he'd know it was the truth.

  "So you didn't have sex?" Bryce scratched his head. The movement lifted his hooded sweatshirt up and gave me a glimpse of his six pack. I missed those muscles. I missed feeling them against my ribcage as he thrust…

  "You told him we had sex?" Corrigan shot upwards. "Are you trying to get my ass broken?"

  "I thought you knew. Why do you keep glaring at me?"

  "Because you didn't tell me where you went. I'd understand if you didn't tell Bryce since he dicked around on you, but me? Why not tell me?! You should know guy code. You're more guy than me sometimes."

  "I didn't dick around on her."

  "I didn't tell you because I didn't want anyone to know. You'd tell Bryce and everyone knows it." I frowned and folded my arms over my chest.

  "Hey! I'm standing right here!" Bryce waved his hands in the air and stepped between us.

  Corrigan rolled his eyes. "You're the reason for this whole thing."

  Bryce's eyes got wide. "Me? How the hell am I to blame? I was just told that the girl I love had sex with my best friend and then told that it'd been a lie."

  "This is from before. You neglected Sheldon in Spain. You know it. Just admit it for once. I stepped up to the plate because you weren't doing a thing."

  "Oh come on. I wasn't that bad—"

  "She was drowning!" Corrigan yelled. "You did nothing. You should've been the first one to do something."

  "I was working. What'd you expect from me?"

  Corrigan surged forward with his fist raised. The air felt thick again. "I expect you to hold your girlfriend at night when she's screaming instead of watching soccer tapes. Maybe something like that? You're a douche for what you did!"

  Bryce opened his mouth and frustration flashed over his face. Then he shut down. His shoulders slumped. "You're right. I know you're right. I—I…" He looked at me, and I saw the remorse in his eyes. They were the beautiful blue ones again; the ones that made me melt so many times. I took a small breath and couldn't look away.

  Corrigan looked at both of us and sighed. "Things have sucked between us three. I'm tired of it. You two need to talk and get on the right page. When you're not, I get affected too. I'm sick of that too." He said to Bryce, "We cool?"

  Bryce nodded and held out a fist. Corrigan hit it with his own and chucked an arm around my shoulders. As he pulled me tight into his side, he flashed me a smile. "Let's go back and you two can get all hot and heavy. Then all this awkwardness is done."

  If only it were that easy.

  "What's wrong?"

  I looked up and saw they were both watching me. Bryce's gaze was hooded while Corrigan's was pleading. "What?"

  Corrigan squeezed my shoulders. "You sighed. What's the problem now?"

  "Now?" I laughed, but it was bitter. It had grown cold in the room, and I started to shiver, so I tried to hug myself. "It doesn't get erased like that. It's not that easy. You can't make him apologize and suddenly have everything be fine and dandy."

  Although, I wanted that so much.

  Corrigan frowned. "Why not? I forgave you just now."

  "It's different, and you know it. You don't want to deal with it. He was with her. He's still with her!"

  Corrigan whirled to Bryce. "Still? What the hell are you thinking? I thought you said it was over as soon as it started?"

  Bryce looked like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

  I held my breath. My heart sounded like it was in my ears and my chest felt tight, as if someone was leaning their whole weight on it. My knees trembled. I turned away because a part of me didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to be there any longer, but I still saw them in the window. It'd grown so dark outside.

  Bryce choked out, "It's not that simple."

  "Wha—" Corrigan expelled a dramatic breath and jerked forward with a fist. He tucked his shoulder and landed an upper cut underneath Bryce's chin.

  "Corrigan!" I whirled back and jumped forward.

  Bryce fell backwards, but caught his balance after a couple of steps. Holding a hand to his chin, he regarded Corrigan with a seriousness that made my palms sweat. He shot a palm out, and I stopped in my tracks.

  Corrigan's jaw was tight. "That's for dicking around on my best friend." Then he looked like he was considering doing it again.

  Bryce shook his head. "I let you hit me once because you're right about me hurting Sheldon. You only get one before I hit back, Corrigan."

  They were at a standoff. Then both visibly relaxed. I realized they'd be fine now. Something had happened between the two, and I had no idea. What the hell? One punch solved everything? I was left standing in between, and they were okay? "What the –" I screamed and knelt on the ground.

  Corrigan scrambled backwards.

  Bryce held still, right beside my feet.

  Covering my ears, I let loose with as much emotion as I could muster. It was blood curdling and it came from deep within.

  "Sheldon!" Corrigan yelled over me and moved forward.

  Bryce shot out a hand and shook his head. I fell backwards and crawled onto a couch. My voice sounded mangled, but a small scream still came out. Then I gasped and my voice hitched. With my eyes wide, irate, I hissed at both of them, "You don't get to do this. You don't get to come here and sugarcoat everything. It's not okay, Corrigan! It's not okay at all and he," I threw a hand towards Bryce, "knows it!" Then I heaved a ragged breath and stood on my feet, swaying slightly.

  Corrigan jerked forward again, as if to catch me, but Bryce stopped him. He spoke over me, "She needs this. Don't take it away."

  My eyes snapped to Bryce, and I saw the old one. He was the one I fell in love with, the one who could withstand any storm. "Where the hell have you been?! Not here, not with me. When she got her greedy hands on you, did she suck your soul out? Where have you been, you asshole!?"

  Corrigan looked between us two and then sat down.

  Bryce sighed and moved towards me. His eyes pleaded. "There are things that I haven't told you and I see that I should've. A lot of this could've been—none of this needed to happen. I'm sorry, Sheldon."

  "Excuse me?" I laughed in outrage. "Excuse me? You make me crazy, Bryce! I'm going crazy and it's because of you. You're with her—"

  "I don't want to be!" Bryce shouted over me. "I don't want to be with her, and I won't be anymore."

  I couldn't believe what I had just heard. He was going to end it? Just like that? A few screams, one punch, and he now saw reason? I couldn't believe it. Something was still wrong.

  Bryce closed his eyes and seemed to reel away from me, though he never moved. A wall slammed over him and he turned, but I lurched forward and caught his arm. It was like a brick, but I yanked with all my weight and he stumbled. I caught him with my other arm and then gasped when both of his arms wrapped themselves around my waist. He pulled me tight and buried his head in my neck. Clasping him closer, I was surprised at how tense he was. It was if his whole body was made of cement. When I looked up, I caught Corrigan sneaking out of the room.

  "It's over? Just like that?" I kissed his chest.

  He inhaled a shaky breath and clasped me tighter.

  "Bryce."

  Then he lifted his head, and I gasped at the torment in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm not with her. I promise, but it's not that simple."

  I felt my h
eart stop, just for a moment. "You just said…"

  His phone rang, and I felt it in my gut. I'd lost him. He was still in front of me, turned away with the phone to his ear, but I knew he was already gone from me. His voice was soft. It was the kind of quiet I'd use if I didn't want someone else to hear my conversation, and that was the part that killed me. He didn't want me to know who was on the other end or what they were talking about. He didn't want me to know.

  My stomach felt like it'd been punched.

  When Bryce looked back with his phone call done, his eyes were different. The blue color was the same, but he was different. Then I realized that he looked at me differently. I was the one who had changed, but I wasn't sure if that was my fault or not.

  I wrenched out, "That was her?"

  He didn't reply, but I saw it in his eyes.

  I nodded. "You need to go to her?"

  He didn't respond again.

  I didn't think I needed him to anymore. "We're done, aren't we?" Then I looked up. I pushed past the emotion that made me see him in a haze, and I focused. That's when I saw what I'd been denying for so long. There was guilt, pain, love, but there was relief. When he got that phone call, I accepted it and he knew it. He knew I was letting him go. "Do you love her?"

  Bryce opened his mouth, but couldn't speak. He shook his head, but then choked out, "I don't know anything anymore, Sheldon. I really don't. I do love you and I will stop the charade with her, but it's not that easy. She's not okay, not in the head. I've told her about you. I told her how much I love you and don't want to lose you, but she really thinks we're together. I'm afraid of what she'll do when I make her accept that I'm not with her."

  I shook my head because it was too much, but something told me I needed to understand this. Bryce was telling me this for a reason, but I really didn't want to hear it.

  He continued, but his voice was strained. "I'm trying to reach out to her parents. I need to know there will be someone who will be there for her when I pull away. I can't do it yet. She refuses to talk to her parents, but no one in her entourage will stand up to her." He jerked forward a step, but stopped abruptly. His voice was so quiet. "I'm not lying to you when I say that I'm not with her. I'm not, but…it's complicated. When you broke up with me and left Spain, I did go on a date with her. Only one, for real, but that was it. Now everything is all messed up, with the media and my agent. I came back for you. I did that for you, but…"

  "She followed you here." Then I swallowed. It was so painful, but I needed to know more. "How long as this been going on?"

  I held my breath. I didn't want to hear the answer.

  "Since you left me."

  Six months. She had been in his life, whether in a real way or a pretend way, but she was there. Six whole months.

  I choked out, "How long have you been trying to reach her parents?"

  "For five months."

  I drew in a deep breath. What happened between them for that whole month? Then I whispered, "I don't know if I can wait." I didn't know if I could or couldn't, but the situation with her wasn't right. I felt it in my gut. She had kept him around for five months, how deep were her claws in him? And I knew there was more. He wasn't telling me everything.

  Bryce jerked back as if he'd been hit and retreated to the hallway. With his shoulders hunched over and his head bent, he stood there and shook his head back and forth. His voice was muffled. "I have to go. That was my agent."

  "Go."

  "Sheldon."

  "Go!" I looked away and felt a wall come over me. I didn't look again, not even when he came over and kissed my forehead or when the door closed behind him. The car sounded shortly after that and then faded until I couldn't hear it any longer. That was when Corrigan came to the doorway with a glass of wine in hand. "Did Bryce just leave?"

  I turned and hugged him with all my might. Then I buried my head in his chest and choked on my first sob.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  I curled up in the same chair as before and watched through the window, but I didn't see anything. I wasn't looking for anything. A blanket was draped over me, but I sat there frozen. Corrigan laid on the bed most of the time. He'd reach over and hug me once in awhile. When I'd start crying, he'd lift me up and set me on his lap. He'd cradle me as if I were a child. When the tears subsided, he'd let me go back to the chair alone until it started again.

  Denton stopped in a few times. He brought bottles and bottles of wine. Corrigan mostly left them alone, but he opened one and passed it between the two of us until my eyes started to droop. I fell asleep, and when I woke, I found myself in the bed. Corrigan was beside me, holding my hand and snoring into my hair. He tossed an arm over me, as if comforting me still in his sleep.

  I rolled to my side and rested my head on the pillow, content for the moment to watch him sleep. I'd never realized how angelic he seemed with his soft skin and long eyelashes. Then he opened them and something struck me. I blinked it away and pushed it down, because I couldn't handle it. Not then.

  "Hey."

  "Hey." He smiled back.

  I snuggled into his side. "You're my best friend."

  He tucked his chin into the crook of my neck. "I know."

  His breathing was deep, and a moment later I heard his snores. I felt them against my neck while I remained awake. My eyes were wide open. When Corrigan woke a few hours later, he looked up, and I saw the sleep still in his eyes.

  He asked, "Did you sleep?"

  "No."

  "Oh." He frowned and then pushed up on his elbow to run hand through his hair. "Why?"

  "I don't want to talk about it. We should go back." Then I stood up and started to rummage through my clothes. With jeans, shirt, bra, and underwear in hand, I went to the bathroom.

  "Sheldon." Corrigan stopped me in the doorway.

  I looked back and waited for him to ask, but he didn't. I didn't want to talk about Bryce. I didn't know when I would, but it certainly wasn't going to be then. He sighed, "Nevermind."

  I tried to tell him thanks with my eyes, but I turned when I felt a tear threatening to spill out. After ducking into the bathroom, I quickly showered and dressed. I emerged feeling still dirtied, but it wasn't something that was going to be leaving me anytime soon. So I took a deep breath and wove my shoulder length hair up in a little French braid. I wasn't one to put my hair up in those fancy twists, but something new struck me. I didn't want to feel my hair on my shoulders any longer. It needed to be off, up, out of my face.

  When I was done, I looked in the mirror. A stranger stared back at me. I no longer recognized her: thin frame, skinny arms, huge eyes, huge mouth, and something in her that no longer made sense. It was like I was looking at myself from out of my body. I felt weird and, yet, comforted at the same time.

  Someone knocked on the door and I called out, "Yes?"

  Denton's voice was muffled. "Corrigan said you're leaving?"

  "Yes." I didn't open the door. In fact, I didn't break eye contact with my reflection.

  "Can you open the door?" He sounded aggravated.

  When I did, he looked it too. I didn't mention it. "Bryce took the car. Can we use one of yours?"

  Denton looked taken aback but recovered quickly. "I…yes. Yes, of course. I can come later in the week to get it. That's no problem."

  "Good." I reached to close the door again.

  "Sheldon." Denton blocked it with his leg and his hand shot out. His eyes searched mine. "Are you okay? You look…"

  "What?" I was detached, but calm. Everything was fine.

  And like Corrigan, he closed his mouth and shook his head. "Nevermind."

  It didn't take me long to pack. When Corrigan and I left, Denton seemed reserved. Sondra acted giddy, but she kept throwing looks at Denton. I had no idea why, but I hugged her stiffly. My