Beautiful Pain

  “There is so much that I want to tell you, so you can see that I am more damaged than you are. At least you are doing something to save your mother. I know it’s wrong, and if you get caught you will get a long sentence, but you’re doing that because you love her.” She paused again. “I carried on with self-harming until I was seventeen. No one ever noticed the scars, even my cousin, Ramona. She was the only one that made an effort to become my friend. She kept visiting me after school, but I never told her about my silly secret. I was hiding evidence really well and no one knew what I was doing in my room, my parents were too busy until that day.

  “That day I forgot to lock the door and my mother found me in my room. I wasn’t expecting her to be at home. I was sure that she left to go to Milan the night before. I felt that I was drowning again, people were making jokes about me in school. I had panic and anxiety attacks very often. That day something inside me broke and I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. Everything seemed like I was walking through a fog. I think I lost control of myself that day because I kept pushing and pushing that small pink knife to go further. In the end I only remember my mother standing in the door, staring at me like she was about to have a fit. She discovered my dirty secret that day and since then nothing has ever been the same.”

  Sophia had gone silent, placing her hands together. She was holding Harry’s hand, wondering if he was taking anything in. She’d wanted to forget that scene for so long, but she never could let go of that horrible memory. That evening the demon attacked her soul. When the dark rivers were flowing underneath her she felt safe. When she was staring at blood that was just flowing down her body, she felt that she would never have to suffer again.

  When the nurse reminded her about visiting hours, she realised that she had been with Harry for four hours. The nurses knew her well, but she avoided talking to them. She was too afraid that they would start asking questions. Harry’s mother still hadn’t shown up. It was just a matter of time; she was probably too ill to even leave her bed.

  When she came home, Vanessa was still in work. Mason had called her at work, but she still didn’t answer. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him, but she wasn’t going to wait until he knocked on her door.

  She organised to see him tomorrow after work. Her stomach was dull with uneasiness when she thought about what she was going to tell him. They shared a passionate kiss together, but Sophia couldn’t carry on seeing him. She was devoted to Harry, even though she wasn’t allowed to see him outside probation. She had a long shower and a small supper, and in the end she went to bed. She never realised that talking to someone close would make her release the tension that she had been carrying for years. She wanted to tell him so much more. She just had to pull the words out, leaving nothing.

  She’d never believed in God, but now she was praying, hoping that Harry would get better. He had to wake up, there was no two ways about that.

  She wasn’t able to put any soul into what she was doing at work. Susan came back from her annual leave looking much more relaxed, and she didn’t bother Sophia much. The day passed without surprise, and when five o’clock struck Sophia felt like she had stones in her stomach. She could hear how loud her heart was beating. Mason was waiting for her in the coffee shop outside the probation office. He looked good with messed up brown hair, staring at her intensely as she walked in. Now she understood; she didn’t feel anything at all when she saw him. Mason was just a regular guy and her heart was dancing violently in her chest when she thought about what she was going to say.

  “Sophia, are you all right?” he asked straight away, trying to pull her to him, but she just smiled faintly. She was feeling physically sick. She had never broken up with someone before. In her teens when she had a boyfriend they just stopped talking to her, but this was a completely different situation.

  “I am fine, Mason, do you want anything to drink?” she asked, wanting to be polite. He didn’t deserve to be treated any other way.

  “Coffee, please, but hey let me get it.”

  She didn’t want to argue, so she watched him as he ordered a cold drink for her and a coffee for himself. She took a deep breath once he was in front of her. Deep down she always knew that this wasn’t going to work out between them, but she was pushing it, hoping it would work.

  “So tell me what is going on? You haven’t been answering your phone.”

  “Mason, I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. I just don’t believe that I am ready for this,” she blurted out, staring directly into his eyes. At first he continued smiling, probably thinking that this was some kind of bad joke, but then the smile vanished from his face.

  “I don’t understand, I thought that we were enjoying each other’s company?” he asked with a serious tone, blinking rapidly. Sophia wrinkled her forehead with effort and swallowed hard. This was going to be more difficult than she thought. Mason was a clever guy, he wouldn’t just accept being pushed away.

  “I am not ready for a relationship. I am sorry that I mislead you, but I just cannot do this right now. I am sure you are going to find a nice girl that you will settle with, but it’s not me, Mason. I am sorry,” she continued, glancing at her watch. She thought that she was a horrible person lying to him right now, but there wasn’t anything else that she could tell him. Harry was a forbidden subject.

  Mason shook his head.

  “I don’t think you are telling me everything, Sophia. I just want to hear the truth … have you met someone else?”

  “No,” she said quickly, trying to keep eye contact. “There isn’t anyone else. I’ve just got a complicated past and I can’t be in a relationship right now.”

  “So you are dumping me after the amazing time that we’ve had together?”

  “Mason, please, I don’t want to make this anymore awkward for you, but this wouldn’t work between you and me. Thank you for everything,” she added and stood up. She didn’t want to stay any longer. Mason looked like he wanted to punch someone.

  “I don’t believe this bullshit, Sophia. I am sorry, but I don’t,” he muttered.

  “I am sorry, I should have been clearer in the beginning. Good-bye Mason.”

  Her head was spinning when she left the coffee shop. Mason didn’t take this well, but it could have been so much worse. Sophia could understand that he was angry with her. She was hoping that he wouldn’t turn out to be a stalker. Of course he didn’t believe her. She was never a good liar, but she was doing this for Harry. Mason would probably report her, once he knew the truth. She’d left him for a criminal.

  She calmed down when she got back to the apartment. She had to be fresh for Harry. She had a quick dinner and then went to the hospital an hour later. The nurse let her know that there was no change in Harry’s condition.

  She put her bag away and sat down beside him, all the swelling around his eyes had disappeared, but there was still a long way before he was going to look like himself again.

  “Hi Harry, it’s me again. I wanted to come in earlier, but I had to deal with something important. I don’t know if you remember where I finished my story yesterday, but I am just going to continue with where I left it. My mother saw me in my room when I thought she was going to be away in Milan. I was bleeding very badly. I think when the knife touched my skin I lost control. The pain has always been liberating, but that day I think I wanted to kill myself, but not intentionally.”

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  “Everything was crashing down on me, and I didn’t know if there was any other way out. My mother called an ambulance and they took me to the hospital. I don’t remember much from that day, but they saw it as a suicide attempt The doctor probably discovered all the scars on my body, and they put two and two together. They had to tell my parents. They acted on it straight away. I was taken to a private clinic that dealt with mental problems. I was going to start therapy; they wanted me to stop self-harming. When I spoke to my mother a week later, she didn’t ask me why I was doi
ng it. She didn’t even acknowledge that I was doing this because she put so much pressure on me. She just behaved like nothing ever happened and I was fine. My father came to visit me once, but he looked at me with disgust. I knew that he was afraid that I was going to blame him. Mum kept saying that he was too busy in his practice. I spent a year in that hospital, isolated from everyone. In some ways the therapy helped and I found a new control over my body, but I became a different person. Ramona was allowed to visit me. She was the only one who gave me strength and said that I was better than this. When I was finally allowed to leave, my parents couldn’t let me out into the real world. I went back to school and passed all my exams, but I was never the same. I lived in the shadow of my own scars; I didn’t have any friends apart from Ramona. My father wanted me to study law, he said that I could work with him after I graduate, but I couldn’t imagine that. My mother had her own business, but I was never interested in design.

  Cutting this long story short, eventually I decided that I wanted to work with probation. Last year I managed to do a bit of work in London, it was only two days a week, because the rest of the days my father insisted that I work with him in his practice. Ever since I finished the therapy my parents never allowed me to make my own decisions, I think the doctors told them that they had to ease the pressure, but they always found ways to overwhelm me. This year I was determined to get away. I’d had enough of being around them, so I went back to the same agency and found this post in Belfast. It was only for three months, but I didn’t care as long as I was able to get away from London. For some reason my parents didn’t stop me and I was finally free.”

  Sophia thought about the moment when she came to Belfast, she was so happy being on her own.

  “I saw you during my first day in probation. You didn’t want me to be your probation officer, but I was determined. You know the rest of the story. Once you touched me I couldn’t bring myself to stay away from you. We both knew what we were going to risk, but we still went through with this. I had the most amazing time on that beach with you. I felt that I had my soul back because you never judged me, you just accepted me for who I was. Then you took me to your brother and I felt good again. The only reason that I pushed you away was because I was afraid that you would see my scars and then you would run away ...”

  “So you are the one that is in love with my son.”

  Sophia stood up swiftly seeing Harry’s mother standing in the room. She probably came in when Sophia was still talking. Her heart was in her throat. The colour drained from her face when their eyes met. Mrs. O’Donaghue looked pale and weak. Her green eyes were focused on her son.

  “Oh my God, I am so sorry, Mrs. O’Donaghue. I—”

  “Stop, please. I am not going to tell you to leave. I overheard what you were saying,” she interrupted, smiling weakly. This couldn’t go any worse. Sophia wasn’t sure how long Mrs. O’Donaghue was standing here. Could she have heard everything that Sophia was saying? A bead of sweat ran down her back.

  “I shouldn’t be here,” Sophia said quickly.

  “Please, don’t leave. Harry wouldn’t want that and the nurses told me that you were his girlfriend.” This was the end for Sophia, now everyone would find out about her lies and she was going to be lost. “You are his probation officer, we met in my home and the way he was looking at you, I knew that there was something different about you.”

  “I didn’t plan this, if anyone found out that I am here ...”

  “Yes, I know, you will lose your job and it will ruin your career. I know how this works, Sophia, but I can see that you are in love with my son.”

  These words came to Sophia like a volcano, she couldn’t possibly think straight right now, but the word love reached her. Was this true? Was she fallen in love with Harry O’Donaghue, the only person in this world that she couldn’t be with?

  Her head was spinning as she was staring at Harry’s mother. She did love him and now someone else made her realise that. Her heart fluttered in her chest when Harry touched her, he understood her and somehow he managed to fill her heart with himself. She was never anxious around him and she didn’t have to think about hurting herself.

  “So you heard what I was saying?” she asked.

  Mrs. O’Donaghue sat on the chair by her son and smiled.

  “I could see how these feelings would unfold when you were in my house. Harry never looked at any other girl the way he was looking at you. He didn’t care that you were not allowed to be with him. It was his decision to go after you. I can only pray that he will wake up and get better.”

  “I love him, yes I do,” Sophia said.

  ***

  Harry’s mind was filled with voices. Someone was talking to him, pulling him away from the darkness. He was in pain. His limbs, chest, and head were hurting. He wanted to move his limbs, but it was like someone sealed him to the ground. He wanted to open his eyes and touch Sophia’s warm lips.

  “I think I just saw him moving.”

  Harry couldn’t breathe, something was inside his throat. He felt a throbbing pain in his left leg

  “I will call a nurse.”

  Was his mother there with him? Was she talking to his Sophia?

  He opened his heavy lids blinking rapidly. A long moment passed before he could see the person in front of him.

  “Mr. O’Donaghue, welcome back, try to stay calm. We will swiftly remove the tube that helped you breathe earlier,” informed a calm, soft voice.

  Harry couldn’t respond, he closed his eyes again. He wanted to get away from that darkness. He parted his lips but no sound came out. He drifted away again, closing his heavy lids. He was dreaming about Sophia, she was with him. When he opened his eyes again, he could breathe. He inhaled a strong antiseptic smell.

  “Mr. O’Donaghue, can you tell me how you are feeling right now?”

  Harry moved his head, staring at the man that was standing by him. His throat was dry and painful.

  “Battered,” he replied with a husky whisper. The ginger man smiled.

  “You are in the hospital, Mr. O’Donaghue, do you remember what happened?”

  Harry drew a raspy breath, but he couldn’t respond seeing Sophia in the room. When she drew her eyes on him the warmth filled his heart. His body wasn’t responding; pain shot through his spine. He closed his eyes for a second to calm his pounding heart. He remembered that he let Patrick close to him, then someone hit him in the back of his head.

  Now he didn’t care what happened. He had his Sophia with him. He wanted to lift his hand and touch her.

  “Where am I?”

  He didn’t even recognise his own voice.

  “You were attacked, Mr. O’Donaghue. You have serious injuries, so I would suggest you avoid any sudden movements.”

  His memories flashed through his mind. He was in the alley and Patrick didn’t like that Harry bailed out so he wanted to teach him a lesson. He had no chance to even defend himself, he remembered big Johnny. He passed out late enough to recall what they had done to him.

  He noticed his mother in the room, but his eyes focused on Sophia again. He wanted to touch her, he needed to know that he wasn’t dreaming.

  “Oh, Harry, I am so sorry,” howled Sophia, approaching his bed. When her small hand touched his, he knew that she was real.

  “Mr. O’Donaghue, I will be back shortly. Please try to stay away from any excitement, we want to keep you alive,” muttered the man that was probably his doctor while looking gravely at Sophia. “I will leave you for now. I need to consult with my other colleagues.”

  “Oh my dear lord, Harry, tell me what happened! Who did this to you?” asked Mrs. O’Donaghue.

  “It’s not worth talking about this, Ma,” he responded, breathing heavily. He was weak and in pain, but he didn’t want his mother to pity him. She had to get back to bed.

  “My son was in the hospital barely surviving,” she said harshly. “Do you think I could sit at home and wait for the news?”


  “Ma, you are ill, you ...”

  “Stop talking, Harry. I am leaving now because I know that you will be in good hands,” she sighed, looking at Sophia. She got up from the chair and moved slowly towards Harry’s bed. “You are lucky that the police haven’t been in yet to see you. Your doctor wanted to call them, but I decided against it. Sooner or later they will know.”