A Wayward God

into the sunlight after many hours, and I was happy to see it. I breathed in the fresh air, and I looked up at the sky. I belonged in that sky….

  A butterfly flew right in front of my face. And not just any butterfly. My heart skipped. I had to know where it led!

  I ran off, chasing it.

  “Joshua!” Heidi called after me.

  But I was already gone.

 

  I was only an inch away from it, holding my hands out as I chased it. Closer and closer, yet I just couldn’t seem to seize it. It was as if everything in my life hinged on this butterfly—like I would uncover the reason why I was here, and why I was the way I was—maybe even what I needed, or why I felt so empty. It led me to a cliff, and I was reaching so far over the edge I nearly fell. Someone grabbed the back of my cloak and pulled me back on the cliff before I fell.

  I lost my balance and fell backwards instead. Heidi stepped out of the way before I fell on her. “What are you doing? You nearly died!”

  I shook my head. “The butterfly—I—it--I’ve seen it…” I babbled incoherently.

  “Joshua… are you not telling me something about yourself?” Heidi shook her head. “You’re just not how I envisioned the Gods at all. Especially not the God of Justice. You’re so clumsy and weird!”

  I sat up and rubbed my head. “You know everything you need to,” I replied to her earlier question.

  “Please Joshua. I’ve looked in the mirror. I know a tortured soul when I see one.” She stated. “Why don’t you tell me the truth?”

  “You have heard the truth, Heidi.” I got to my feet. The butterfly was gone. “Maybe I haven’t, though.”

  For a moment we stood there in silence, then Heidi said, “Joshua, I simply wish to know--”

  Nikolai appeared in front of us. “Joshua! You silly idiot. If I were you, I’d keep that boy as far away from the Mahesha as possible.”

  “Katharos is going to negotiate a treaty with your people; he will be fine unless your people decide to risk a war.”

  “You don’t seem to understand,” Nikolai said as if I were a child, “that that is exactly what your brother wants. The more people die, the better he feels. Katharos is not safe there. He’s going to kill him to start a war.”

  “My brother is not…” I protested.

  Nikolai was already shaking his head. “You are a dummy. You must know that this is what he wants.”

  “But he used to be…” I bit back tears.

  “Why don’t you tell those two innocent souls to leave and perhaps you’ll spare their lives.” Nikolai suggested.

  Heidi laughed. “I’m far from innocent, kid. Besides. It’s not as if Joshua can stop us…”

  “Well, she’s right; she did hit me over the head. But the boy… the boy must be saved,” Nikolai insisted.

  I shook my head. “He’s intent on this… but I can talk to my brother. He will change his mind.”

  Nikolai seemed confused by the way I talked about him. “Mr. Smalls is not one to change his mind…”

  I frowned. “Why don’t you keep your mouth shut? You don’t know him the way I do.”

  Nikolai made a face. “I should think I do! I am his son!”

  “You are not his child. You are his shame.” I said firmly.

  He was hurt. He looked at his feet; he swallowed audibly, and looked like he was on the verge of tears. “I didn’t choose to be his son! In fact, I’d rather be anyone else’s!” He was gone then, teleported away.

  Heidi was looking at me, a little shocked. She’d never seen me so angry. “Going to judge me again?” I murmured bitterly.

  “That’s not my job,” she replied, “I just wish I knew why you loved the God of Death so much.”

  “He’s my brother…”

  “Yes, but there’s only so far love can stretch…” she stated.

  I looked off into the distance, my mind someplace else. “You don’t choose who you love… besides, he saved my life...” I whispered.

  “How?” She asked.

  I shook my head. “Maybe I’ll tell you someday.”

  We rejoined Katharos then, and he was worried sick about me. “I was worried about you… where’d you run off to?”

  “I was chasing my dreams.” I said simply.

  “A noble goal, but I didn’t think Gods dreamed.” Katharos said with a smile.

  “Everyone has dreams,” I replied cryptically.

  “I didn’t think the Gods had a need to want anything. That’s what dreams are for.” Katharos was confused.

  “Most don’t…” I said quietly.

  “So then… is it okay for mortals to want?” Katharos said sheepishly.

  “I used to think you shouldn’t but now—Yes-- you should want… you are not perfect, but by wanting, you can become something better than you are…”

  Katharos noticed I was acting a little out of character. “You seem tired. There’s a small town coming up a few miles from here,” Katharos said, “we can rest there.”

  “I am grateful.” I truly did feel tired. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the loss of my brother. Why didn’t I try harder to keep his friendship? I was being selfish again though… I only wanted his friendship because of my own insecurities and needs. I never thought of him and his wants and needs. I couldn’t blame him for betraying me to Weather…

  “You know Joshua… I wished more people cared about how Gods felt. We only care for ourselves, but we never stop to think how you might feel…” Katharos frowned.

  It was one of the kindest things anyone had ever said to me. I thought no mortal had two thoughts to spare for us Gods, and here I was, surprised and wrong again. I sniffed and rubbed my temple. “Thank you, Katharos.”

 

  We walked in silence for a bit, moving along with the noisy contingent, some on horseback and some on foot, and all carrying weapons. The chief of the Elysians let Katharos borrow about twelve of their soldiers, and all the rest were the Gaans Katharos had brought with him. The Elysians walked on foot.

  Heidi was walking a little ways away from me, I glanced over at her, but when she noticed I looked away. From the corner of my eye, I saw her frown.

  “Why aren’t you walking with Heidi? You two seemed inseparable…” Katharos inquired.

  “She is an acquaintance, little more,” I told him. “I don’t like the way she treats me…”

  He cocked his head to one side. “Because she doesn’t believe in you?”

  It hurt more than it should have when he said that. “She expects too much of me… I’m tired of her telling me I am not good enough, that I’m less than perfect…”

  Katharos sniffed with a small smile. “She likes you. Heidi doesn’t bother telling people they can improve unless she believes they can,”

  I shook my head. “She looks at me with contempt in her eyes… simply because I am a God, she expects me to be perfect,”

  Katharos kept walking with his perfect posture and hands behind his back. “You have to understand…. Heidi has lived such a rough life, she always prayed for a God to rescue her, and now that she’s found one, she has trouble moving past the fact that she believed in you for so long to no avail… I know you don’t owe her anything, and I think she knows it too, but you have to understand where she’s coming from,”

  I looked away. “Yes, I suppose….”

  We were silent again, and I let the cool wind that was blowing and rustling the leaves in the trees take me to another place and time, where I was happy. There was a time, when I walked The Below with mortals who loved me, I knelt down, looked them in the eyes, held their hands, and I loved them, and they returned it. That was what a God needed, but it was also what jogged bad emotions, too. The worst thing was believing in someone just to have them let you down. It went both ways of course. If you let mortals down, they would stop believing in you faster than you could blink.

  Why was love from mortals so conditional
, I wondered?

  By nightfall, we made it to the small town Katharos spoke of. Katharos reserved us a nice room at the best inn in town, and I dreamed a dreamless sleep, which I was thankful for.

  I awoke the next morning before anyone else, and I went outside in the cold yellow dawn light. The sun cast beautiful long shadows from buildings onto The Below, and I sat for a moment outside by myself. I had never felt this feeling before. This deep exhaustion that seeped deep into my bones; I closed my eyes.

  Someone pulled at my sleeve. A little girl, there was something wrong with her leg. She was lame.

  “Excuse me sir. Are you okay?” She asked.

  “Where are your parents?” I replied.

  She had a pained look on her face.

  “I see…” I said softly.

  I placed a hand on her leg. A breath of light shined from my hands, and I felt the leg heal and correct itself.

  The girl squealed with happiness and embraced me. “It’s a miracle. You fixed it! Thank you so much!”

  Deep in the pit of my soul, I felt more power resound in me. And I closed my eyes with a smile and tears in my eyes. I wrapped my arms about the girl.

  When I opened them again, there was a crowd watching us.

  “He healed the lame girl!” I heard some of them say.

  “He’s an angel! Descended from The Above!” Said others.

  More power welled in me. It had been building up as the crowd became bigger and bigger. So much power upon power and energy upon energy. And… happiness. So much that I—

  For the first time in thousands of years, I felt something that had left me long ago. I stood up, and I felt my soul being restored. The wings popped out of my back in a shower of