Shattered

  Well hello, captain obvious! I winced; I wasn't a ray of sunshine when I first got up. Add the nightmares to the mix, and I was possibly the most unpleasant person ever. "What happened at the party Jasmine?"

  I continued to put on my basketball shorts and t-shirt, "Ma, you know what happened. Why do you constantly ask questions you already know the answer too?"

  "So then why do something that's going to be a trigger for you?"

  I paused in the middle of putting my sneakers on, "I didn't plan on doing it. It just happened. I was trying to live a little. You know that thing you and my therapist keep trying to drill into my skull.” Who knew four years later that I still wouldn’t be able to shake this shit? I grabbed my keys and made my way towards the door. After the first year, any time I had a nightmare or felt suffocated, I would go for a walk or run to clear my head. My mom used to fight me on it. She was afraid I would leave and never come back; losing one child could do that to a parent. Now she lets me go, and waits up until I come back; so I try my hardest not to come back too late.

  "Angel's back, right?"

  I paused in the doorway and turned around, "Yea he came back tonight."

  "How long is he staying?"

  I shrugged, "I don't really know. I mean I know for the rest of the summer but after that, I’m not sure. Why?" My mom’s lips twitched into a semi-smile. First time in a while that the smile wasn't forced or fake. "No reason Jasmine, just be careful."

  I left the house shaking my head, deciding to go for a walk tonight. My mom was acting weird. She rarely ever asked about Angel, even when his letters came. I guess after the fight my brother and him had she didn’t really care too much for him. I still had no clue what the fight was about. I asked, but no one wanted to tell me. I just knew him and Jay were as thick as thieves one day and the next, I barely saw Angel.

  Then he signed up for the Marines and he was gone more than he was here. The Marines hardened him. He was always a good-looking guy. His smile and lighthearted nature made him irresistible to the girls around here. But now? Now he was downright dangerous to the female population. Okay that was an over exaggeration but Angel was amazing. No words could ever describe how irresistible he looked now. He looked rugged and a little rough around the edges. The strength he possessed vibrated off him in waves. And by all that is right and holy in this world, the man could kiss. One kiss and it was hard, just like him. He was staking a claim with that kiss. Whether it was all of me, or my lips, it was a kiss meant to claim and dominate. For that brief small moment, I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to forget the past and just enjoy him.

  My thoughts and feet led me to the same place it did every night when I either ran or walked. My brother and I were very close despite his being four years older than me. I always made time for him, though I guess it wasn’t saying much that I only came here the nights the nightmares were bad or when I couldn’t sleep. But that’s life; it moves on with or without you.

  I sat down and reached out to touch the name engraved on the tombstone. Jason Alex Ortiz, beloved son, beloved brother. March 1st 1989- June 30th 2008. Sometimes it still felt so surreal like I was living someone else’s life. I still expected Jay to walk through the door or wake me up at the crack of dawn, demanding I seize the day. It sucked so damn much that I couldn’t talk to him and hear his voice. “I’ve needed you so much Jay.” I tried really hard not to cry. “I wish you would just come home. I’ve been so lost without you.” Without fail, the tears came streaming down. “You would still be here if I had kept my mouth shut. I’m so sorry Jay. Please forgive me.”

  Angel

  I pulled up to Chase's house to grab my shit before I went home. What the hell possessed me to kiss her? That was Jay’s little sister, my sister‘s friend. Shit, she was someone I should be looking at like a sister. But my body was humming with anticipation and lust the second I spotted her at the party. The way she challenged me on the boardwalk made me forget where I was and sent all the blood straight to my dick. I couldn’t resist not knowing what her lips felt like. She had the softest of lips . . . and her taste! A man could drown in her. It was her raspberry smell; it was intoxicating. It was engraved in my skull. It’s what kept me sane for those long years I was gone. Now it was driving me crazy, demanding I claim her. I wanted to bury myself in her and consume her and be consumed by her. I wanted her beneath me controlling her pleasure, powerless to do anything but feel what I was offering her.

  But that wasn’t going to happen. It shouldn’t happen and when it all went to hell after I pinned her arms, I was reminded that pursuing this was a bad idea. Especially since she attacked me twice tonight for merely touching her. Something damn sure went down when I left. Everyone was bat shit crazy if they thought Jasmine was dealing with any of this.

  I got out of the car and headed up Chase's steps. I walked in. Don't know why this guy never locks his door. So what if he lived in Long Island? Shit, it’s still part of New York and people are crazy.

  I headed towards the living room and stopped dead in my tracks. Why was my sister passed out on Chase’s couch? Why the hell would she even be here?

  “I’d advise you to leave her alone and let her sleep.” I whirled around to see Chase standing in the kitchen with no shirt no shoes and his jeans unbuttoned. “Don’t even think about it. Marine or not, I will fuck you up and you know it. Nothing happened, so sit down and shut up.”

  I really contemplated beating him into the ground. Only thing saving him was that he was one of the only close friends I still had; it would have sucked to have to put him six feet under. I walked to the kitchen and sat down. This should be interesting to hear what he had to say.

  Kris

  My brother moved like a damn bull in a china shop when his guard was down. You would think all those years he was in training that they would have beat it out of him, but I guess it’s good he still felt safe enough to let his guard down. I was going to get up just to make sure Angel didn’t fight with Chase. He probably thought Chase and I had sex. But try as Chase might, it wasn’t going to happen. I went to kick off the blanket until Chase spoke and I froze.

  “You came back for her didn’t you?”

  “Is that really any of your business?”

  “It’s actually not. But I’m just curious if you came back for the same reasons I did, or is it because you actually want her.”

  What the hell? What were they talking about? They couldn’t mean Jasmine. My brother grunted but didn’t say anything. Chase just laughed, “Bro is that really your response? A fucking grunt? I mention Jasmine and your inner cave man comes out?”

  “Stop being a schmuck Chase. You know why I’m back.”

  “No. I just know the bullshit reason you’re giving everyone as to why you’re back. But I don’t really know why you’re here. It’s for her isn’t it?”

  Were they really sitting there talking about Jasmine? When the fuck did my brother catch feelings for her, the hypocritical bastard?

  The chair made a creaking noise indicating my brother had vacated his sit. The next sound I heard was the door opening but it never closed. No one spoke for what seemed like forever. I thought my brother had left so I went to get up, when Angel finally spoke, “Why did you come back Chase?”

  Chase let out a breath, “For one, because you’re home now and you really don’t have anyone here.”

  “And why else Chase?”

  “Because we made a promise to Jay to look out for Jasmine and if you haven’t noticed, she’s just as fucked up if not more so than when we left.”

  “Well what do you expect; her brother died.”

  “You and I both know it’s more than that. I know you care about her more than you’re probably willing to admit right now, but she needs help Angel. Jay would be devastated to see what she’s become.”

  “Look I just came here to get my stuff. I really wasn’t trying to have my brained picked apart. You know why I came back. I told you I had nowhere else to go, so
I came home. Be glad I came back still breathing.”

  The door slammed shut. “I know you’re up Kristal. You can come in here.”

  I walked into the kitchen and sat down in the chair my brother just vacated. “Is this why you asked me if I would have a problem with them earlier? You knew something didn‘t you?”

  “Well let’s just say I saw something in them I used to see with you and someone else a long time ago. I can see the look on your face, Kristal. You’re not happy about this are you?”

  Well gee, why the fuck would I be? My brother is a hypocrite, probably out now chasing after Jasmine now. What does it not matter now that Jay was no longer around?

  I looked up at Chase, my gorgeous Chase. He had amazing hazel eyes and dirty blonde hair that was always in disarray and made a girl want to constantly run her hands through it. He came over to me squatting down in front of me. He always looked at me like I was the only female in the world for him. It was so unfair to keep him strung along like this. He was a good guy. I leaned in and kissed him. But he wouldn’t kiss me back, in fact he pulled back and stood up.

  “This isn’t going to fix anything Kris and you know it. I want you, but not like this; not with all this bullshit. Go talk to your brother.”

  He kissed my forehead and left me to my thoughts.

  CHAPTER 5

  Angel

  Leave it to Chase to try to pick my brain. I didn’t come back for her. I came back because I had too. I was done and needed a place to sleep at night. Jas was not the reason I yearned to be here. She wasn’t even the first person I wanted to see when I got off the plane. Though I had to admit, I was a little disappointed she wasn’t there with my family waiting for me.

  I needed to walk to clear my head. It was a nice warm summer night. As a kid I spent a lot of my summer nights with Jasmine and her bro, Jay. Back then, she was a snot nose brat. In many ways she still was. I had four years on her, she was only thirteen when I left and she was a baby then. She was always tall, but the height did nothing to add to her age. The innocent look in her eyes and the joy she always had, you could tell life hadn‘t gotten to her yet. She was still young enough and naïve enough to enjoy everything for what it was. It was that look in her eyes . . . that look of pure innocence that called to me on every level as a protector. I wanted to protect her from the harsh realities of life. I wanted to lock her away and make sure nothing bad ever happened to her. That’s why when her brother asked me to look out for her no matter what; I told him I would without hesitation.

  Now that look was gone and destroyed. Life smacked her down badly with the death of her big brother. Her hero and I couldn’t even be there to help her. I was already gone in training. They let me come back for the funeral but I had to go right back. I couldn’t protect her at all. In so many ways, I failed her. I broke a promise and let her down. I should have been here with her protecting her.

  My feet led me to the one place I had no business being, seeing as how Jay and me ended shit before he died. I walked towards where they laid him to rest. Being in the Marines, death didn’t faze me the same way it used to. But it was still a surreal feeling, knowing someone you loved like a brother and grew up with was lying in a pine box well before his time. His presence was gone, almost forgotten. The only time he came up was around the holidays, birthdays and when I saw the shadows in Jasmine’s eyes.

  As I made my way closer, I saw a body lying on top of the grave. It was a body I knew as well as my own. I knelt down beside her, speaking softly so she knew it was me. I didn’t want to startle her. I placed a hand on her shoulder and she turned and looked at me. Her eyes were rimmed red from crying, her nose was stuffy and my heart broke for her. I cursed under my breath, why did life have to hurt her this way? She was the sweetest, most innocent person I’ve ever encountered. She deserved the world at her feet, not to beaten down by it. “Come on Jasmine, let’s get you home.” She threw her arms around me and cried. I leaned back against the headstone and held her tight willing my strength into her so I could take her pain. . . I kissed the top of her forehead, “I’m gonna make the pain go away baby. I promise.”

  * * *

  I was such an idiot crying like a baby on Angel like this. His body, his warmth, him just being here was keeping me steady. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how much I actually missed having him here with me. He wasn’t able to be here at the worst possible time in my life. I didn’t blame him and though I had Kristal, I wanted him here. I needed his strength and guidance. Yea we wrote each other almost every day he was gone, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t hear his voice and his smile wasn’t there to brighten my day. It was amazing after all this time to be able just to be here like this with him.

  I pulled myself up, and he cupped my face using his thumbs to dry away my tears. I looked into his haunted green eyes. I missed seeing his eyes light up with mischief and laughter. Looks like life proved to be unkind to both of us. “Thank you so much for coming back Angel. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you and how much I’ve needed you.” I leaned in, I swear it was to kiss his cheek, I swear it. He turned his face his lips seeking mine. It wasn’t like the kiss before however; this was sweet and slow.

  I stopped the kiss, as soon as it started. I didn’t know where he thought this was going or what he expected. He brought his hands to my hips and placed a kiss on my forehead. “How about I just walk you home baby?” I stood up and Angel followed suit. He intertwined his hands with mine and we began to walk. Neither of us spoke, and I was comfortable with the silence. It’s been a very long time since I have been comfortable with someone of the opposite sex like this, and honestly all I wanted to do was enjoy it.

  A sense of peacefulness settled over me. It was too bad it couldn’t always be like this, although, I would be lying if I didn’t say a part of me wasn’t jumping up and down for joy. Angel kissed me twice, called me baby twice and now he was holding my hand. Yea, girls across the globe would be jealous. I couldn’t help myself. I started grinning like a doof. Angel stopped to look at me, “What are you grinning about?”

  “Huh?” I giggled, “Oh nothing.” Angel’s lips slowly emerged into a smile that seemed to light up his whole face. The smile even reached his eyes. For a second, he looked just like he did before he left, carefree and invincible. God he was so beautiful.

  Angel

  Something about Jasmine’s goofy grin had me smiling and feeling a little fuzzy in places I didn’t want to examine. She was looking at me like she could see right through me. Did she still see the same person I used to be? Or was she now seeing the person I’ve become? If she did see who I’ve become, I wondered if she liked what she was seeing.

  We continued to walk to her house in silence. I still can’t believe I got to kiss her again and this time was better than the first time. Her soft kiss, so hesitant . . . It took all of me not to throw her on the ground and bury myself to the hilt inside her. There was nothing passionate about the kiss but it still stirred my hunger for her. This little brat was finding her way under my skin in every way possible. It was going to take all of my damn control to hold myself back. I wanted her, I couldn’t deny it, but I couldn’t have her. I really should leave her alone and just play the big brother role. It was wrong to want her like this.

  We reached her house and she tugged at her hand; she wanted me to let her go. But I didn’t want to in any sense. She looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. “Thanks for finding me, and thanks for coming home in one piece.”

  I wasn’t really in one piece, but for her I could pretend I was.

  “Angel?”

  “Yea baby?”

  “Why did you kiss me?”

  Because I’ve been dying to know how you taste since I came home. You’ve been on my mind the whole time I’ve been gone. Because I want you. I pulled her closer to me, “What happened; you didn’t like the kiss, Jasmine?”

  She wrinkled her nose, “All those girls you used to kiss; are y
ou really going to sit there and ask me that question?” I had to laugh at that, the brat couldn‘t just answer the question.

  “So what’s the problem, I know you enjoyed it as did I.”

  She blushed, “Yea but why? You haven’t tried to kiss me before today.”

  “That would have been illegal sweetheart.”

  “No, you were only seventeen when I left.”

  “That wouldn’t have been that bad. But it’s nice to know that I’m all nice and ripe for the plucking now that I’m old enough. Good to know.”

  “Don’t be such a brat. Look, I’ll tell you why I kissed you if you tell me why you’re afraid of my touch, even though I can tell you want it as much as I want to touch you.”

  She stiffened. Smooth. “I think I’m ready to go to sleep; good night Angel.”

  She turned to walk away, but I grabbed her arm hoping she wouldn’t swing, “Jasmine wait. We used to be able to talk. Shit we talked everyday through the mail, but we still talked. Why can’t we talk now?”

  “Look Angel, I don’t know what it is you want, I’m actually not sure of anything with you. But right now, I do know I would like to go to sleep. We could talk tomorrow. Please don’t make me talk now.” The earnest look in her eyes was the only reason I let her go. I found her crying at her brother’s grave. I would be a dick to force her to tell me what happened. She opened her door, but turned around and walked back towards me. I crossed my arms over my chest. Didn’t she just ask me to let her go?

  She stopped in front of me and looked a little unsure of herself. She bit her bottom lip. I’m sure the move was meant to be innocent, but desire was pooling in my lower stomach. I wanted to take her lower lip in between mine and just bite a nipple on it. She interrupted my train of thought by throwing her arms around me and pressing her lips against mine. I groaned opening up to her and placing my hands on her back urging her closer to me. I needed her close. I’ve kissed numerous females over my lifetime and nothing compared to the feel and taste of Jasmine.