Irrevocable

  I can’t let her go.

  “You should just stay.” I try to make the statement simple and keep my voice calm.

  “Only until tomorrow,” Alina says. “I need to get back to my apartment.”

  “You don’t even need that place,” I tell her, hoping I sound convincing instead of desperate. “There’s plenty of room here. If it’s not enough, we can switch to a three-bedroom or a whole new place if you prefer.”

  “I still need my place.” She shuffles some of the refrigerator’s contents around, trying to make room for a plastic container of blueberries. Her response is so nonchalant, as if it means nothing to her.

  “Just a few more days.” So much for not sounding desperate.

  She steps back from the fridge, pressing her lips together and not looking at me.

  “I can’t do that, Evan. I need some time.”

  “Time for what?” As my body tightens, I start to lose my control. “Everything is working out fine!”

  She stands and looks at me. Her expression seems patronizing, and it pisses me off more.

  “We agreed to this, Evan. One week. That week is up tomorrow, and I need a little space to think about all of this.”

  “What is there to think about?” I raise my voice a little. “You stay here with me. I fuck you, and then we sleep. It’s pretty simple!”

  “There’s more to it than that.”

  “No, there’s isn’t.”

  “Evan…” She steps forward and reaches out to me, but I pull back.

  “I bought you. You aren’t a rental anymore.”

  “And I told you, no one owns me. I’m not here to be bought or sold.”

  “Yeah, you are. You’re a hooker, so yeah, you are here to be bought.”

  “On my own terms.” Alina puts one hand on her hip and runs the other through her hair. I still want to braid it. If she leaves, I may never get the chance.

  “The terms involve money and pussy. I already put up the money. What do you want, a raise?”

  Alina scowls at me and places her other hand on her hip. She narrows her eyes and takes a deep breath.

  “If all you wanted was pussy, you could get that anywhere.”

  “If I wanted to have to search for it, I would! That’s why you’re here! It saves me gas money.”

  “Are you trying to say you have money concerns? How much did you pay to buy me?”

  “And why do you think I did that?”

  “Because you want a girlfriend but can’t be bothered to do it the right way!”

  Because they fucking leave me!

  “I want someone who doesn’t give me shit. That’s what I pay for.”

  Alina glares for a moment and then tries to collect herself.

  “You think I’m not sympathetic, Evan? I’m the one who holds you at night when you’re crying in your sleep. I’m the one who hears you talk about things you’d never voice in the daytime. I know how much pain you are in.”

  “I don’t want your fucking sympathy!” I yell.

  “Well, you have it anyway!” she screams right back at me.

  “Great! Sympathy from a street whore—just what I need!”

  I watch her take in a long breath before she speaks again.

  “You do need me,” Alina says, her voice soft now. “Maybe you don’t want to admit it, but you do. You can’t even sleep without me here.”

  “And you don’t need me?” I counter.

  “I’ve never needed anyone.” Alina crosses her arms over her chest.

  The self-assured gesture pisses me off. After everything I’ve done for her—everything I’ve given to her—she’s trying to say she never needed it.

  “I took you off the streets!” I yell at her. “If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be out there fucking whatever loser stopped by your corner! I fucking rescued you from that!”

  “Who told you I needed rescuing? I was perfectly fine where I was! I had a pimp who looked after me and only took a reasonable cut! I had a roommate I liked and got to hang out with on occasion! I had my own money to do what I wanted, and I wasn’t at anyone’s beck and call unless I wanted to be!”

  She might as well have slapped me. I would have preferred it.

  My hands are shaking, and my fingers involuntarily drift toward my side, attempting to reach for my gun. I can barely stop myself from pulling it out and aiming at her face. Flashes of Bridgett, begging me on her knees before I pulled the trigger, race through my head. I clench my hands into fists to keep them from moving.

  This can’t happen. I can’t let this happen.

  I feel like a tightly closed bottle of warm soda that’s been shaken up. The pressure in my head blocks all reasonable thoughts, and my skin tingles as if there were a thousand spiders crawling all over me.

  “You don’t want what I can give you? Fine! Just fucking leave when your time is over! I don’t need this bullshit!”

  “That is the plan!” As if I need the reminder.

  My hands ache to grab her and shake her. I can see myself doing it, but I don’t want to hurt her. Guilt from killing Felisa still haunts me. I can’t handle another screw up.

  Get out!

  Those two words are the only rational thing in my brain.

  I grab my keys off the counter and my jacket off the hook near the door. I hear her calling after me, but I don’t respond. Slamming the door behind me, I race to the Camaro and out of her presence. I have no destination in mind. I just know I have to get away from her. Staying near her would be incredibly dangerous. I have enough regrets.

  Squealing the tires as I exit the parking garage, I nearly slam into a pedestrian as I speed through an intersection. Maybe the light was red—I wasn’t paying attention, and I really don’t care. I just need to be away.

  I also have nowhere to go.

  Everything around me is blurry and tinged with red. I’m driving like a maniac, and I realize I am going to get pulled over if I keep it up. The last thing I need is a dead cop on my hands.

  I slow down and start cruising side streets one block at a time, stop sign after stop sign. The monotony brings me down a bit, and eventually I head to the highway. I keep the speeding to a minimum as I circle the city.

  It takes hours, but eventually I calm. I’m exhausted and pull the car over to a deserted street and yank at the parking brake. Reaching for the lever at the side, I lean the driver’s seat back as far as it will go and close my eyes.

  Rinaldo is going to die, and I’ve just alienated the only woman who understands.

  Ralph is strangely absent, and it occurs to me that I haven’t seen him for quite some time. I try to remember when he last appeared but can’t come up with it. I rather wish he would suddenly show up. I could use whatever words he might have to offer, even if it’s just to tell me how stupid I am.

  I don’t return to the apartment.

  I really don’t trust myself.

  Chapter 19—Resolved Agreement

  I sit in the Camaro all night, dozing occasionally. The nightmares are more horrific than they have been for a long time, and they don’t allow me to sleep for long. In the morning, I drive home slowly and sit in the parking garage, afraid to go up to my own abode. I don’t know which would be worse—finding her there or finding her gone.

  As I approach the door, I don’t know what I’ll see when I go inside. I’m not sure I even want to open it. If she isn’t there, I’m going to go ballistic.

  I don’t want to imagine what that might entail.

  I’m a little shocked to see Alina at the kitchen table with a cup of tea held in her laced fingers. She doesn’t look at me when I come in. She’s actually so still, I think she might be holding her breath.

  I’ve acted like a total dick, and I know it. Any man in his right mind would probably apologize, but I’m not, and I won’t. It doesn’t matter anyway because nothing has changed.

  I still need her here.

  I stand near the door for quite a while until Alina finall
y looks over to me. Her eyes are dim and swollen, and I wonder if she got any more sleep than I did. I have no idea what to do or say, so I continue to stand there until I think of something.

  It’s really the only thing I have to say.

  “I want you to stay.”

  “I know you do.” She nods and looks back at her cup.

  “I need you,” I tell her. “I do admit that, but don’t act like I haven’t done anything for you.”

  “I didn’t ask you to.”

  “I still did.”

  “Am I supposed to be grateful for that?”

  “You’re supposed to be grateful that I haven’t put a bullet in your head.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

  Alina slowly turns her head to me and blinks slowly.

  “Is that what you’re going to do?”

  “No.” I huff out a breath and run my hand over my head. “That’s why I left.”

  “I’m not afraid of you, Evan.”

  “So you keep saying. You should be though.”

  I close my eyes for a moment and try to keep myself in check.

  “I want you to stay,” I tell her again.

  “You said that.”

  “There’s more to it. I mean, there’s more now.” I bite down on my lip as my throat seizes up. My eyes burn, and I nearly fall just trying to come up with the words.

  Alina is suddenly at my side, taking my hand and leading me to the couch to sit down.

  “Have you been up all night?”

  “Pretty much. Nightmares.”

  She nods.

  “Tell me what else is going on,” Alina says. “Something set you off last night, and I don’t think it was just me leaving.”

  “It wasn’t.”

  “What then? I don’t want to pry, but this time, I think I need to know.”

  “It’s Rinaldo,” I say quietly. I don’t want to admit it out loud, but she won’t stay if she doesn’t understand. “He’s worse. They’re giving him a few days at best.”

  “Oh, Evan. I’m so sorry.” She lifts her arms around my neck, and I lean against her.

  “I’m not ready for all of this. I don’t want to take over the business. There was supposed to be more time.”

  I feel her lips press against the top of my head, and I start to break down.

  “But…but if you leave, and he…he… If I can’t find you…”

  “You have my number now,” she says rationally. “You’ll be able to find me.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “I know, but it’s all I can offer right now.”

  “Don’t leave tomorrow.” I’m begging her, turning toward her and holding her against my chest. “Just stay a while longer. We can always reevaluate later.”

  “I know you’re upset now, but we did have an agreement.” She leans back and looks into my eyes as she places her hand on my cheek. “We need to step back and figure out if this is going to work. Both of us need to do that.”

  “It’s working for me.”

  “I have other obligations, Evan. Those aren’t all conducive to living with you.”

  “What? Your other johns?” I move a few inches away from her, pushing her hand from my face.

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Well, what did you mean?”

  “Loretta has been taking care of my apartment and everything while I’ve been gone,” Alina says. “I can’t ask her to do that forever. It’s not fair to her.”

  “I can take care of that.” I rationalize it all in my head. “I’ll pay the bills. Whatever works.”

  “I don’t think she’d want you doing that.”

  “I don’t care! I need to know you’ll be here. I know we said a week, but by then, Rinaldo will be…”

  She reaches for me again, and I let her.

  “All right, Evan. We’ll give it some more time, but I have a condition.”

  “I’ll pay the apartment bills. I’ll get Loretta a fucking maid if she wants one.”

  “It’s not the bills I’m worried about.” Alina takes a deep breath. “I told you I have other obligations as well.”

  She said it isn’t about clients, and I try to figure out what she might be talking about. Suddenly, it hits me.

  “You have a child.”

  “Not exactly.” Alina laughs and shakes her head. “No, I don’t have a kid.”

  “What, then?”

  “I have a dog, Evan.” Alina sighs loudly and looks down at her lap. “I know some people don’t see it this way, but she means the world to me. I miss her, and Loretta hates taking care of her. She doesn’t even take her out for walks or to the dog park.”

  “That’s it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “A dog? That’s what’s bothering you? That’s what’s keeping you from staying?”

  “Well, yes.”

  All the times I unthinkingly looked for Odin in the apartment come back to me. I’d thought about getting another dog but couldn’t bring myself to actually look for a replacement. Freyja had been Odin’s puppy, and she was easy to love because I saw him in her.

  “Bring her with you.”

  “Does this place even allow pets?”

  “I have no idea, and I don’t care. If that’s all you’re really concerned about, just bring her here. I don’t mind.”

  “Really?”

  “Not at all.” I imagine another dog like Odin running around and playing fetch with me through the living room.

  “Are you just saying that to get me to stay?”

  “Well, yeah, but it’s still all right.”

  “I can bring her here?”

  “Sure.”

  “She could stay here in the apartment with us?”

  “Of course.”

  “Oh my God.” Alina cries out as she wraps her arms around me and hugs me. “Thank you, Evan! You have no idea how much that means to me. I hate being away from her.”

  “Seriously?” I can’t help but laugh. “Was this really all you were worried about?”

  “Not everything, but a lot of it, yes. I still think we need to figure out just how this is going to work. I can’t just be here as your personal whore.”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. “It kinda has a nice ring to it.”

  “No, it does not!” She slaps at my arm playfully.

  I look at her closely, enjoying the return of her smile. Running my hand up her arm, I lean in to kiss her softly.

  “You’ll stay?” I need to hear the words.

  “Yes, Evan. I’ll stay. I need to call Loretta and let her know I’ll be a day late. She isn’t going to like it, but it will be okay.”

  “All right.” I pull her against me and press my lips to her hair as she calls her roommate.

  I am beyond relieved. It never occurred to me to even ask her if she had children or pets or anything like that. The idea of a dog running around the apartment is fantastic. I’m tempted to tell her to go ahead and get the dog now, but I don’t want to let go of her yet.

  She’s going to stay.

  “How do you manage to put up with me?” I ask when she hangs up the phone.

  “I know you,” Alina says simply.

  Grabbing her chin, I tilt her face to mine. I watch her eyes as I move in, gently brushing my lips with hers before going for a deeper kiss. Alina lifts her hand to the back of my head, deepening the contact as her tongue runs along mine. With her other hand, she starts to unfasten the buttons of my shirt.

  With her hands against my bare chest, I watch as she pushes my shirt from my shoulders. I kiss her quickly before I grab at the hem of her shirt and quickly bring it up over her head. Sliding my hand into the top of her bra, I kiss her again. I find her nipple and pinch it gently as she arches her back.

  Without breaking the kiss, I release her breast and reach down to run my fingers slowly up the side of her leg, around her knee, and up her thigh. She’s wearing tight jeans, and when I seek the place between
her legs with my thumb, I can feel her heat through the denim.

  “Jesus, Evan.” Alina grabs my belt and nearly rips the buckle off. Her breath comes quickly as the rest of our clothes rapidly make a pile on the floor.

  I grab her and push her on her back against the couch cushions, and she reaches out to pull me down with her. Our mouths and tongues mesh, and her skin is warm to the touch. I reach between her legs again, and she bites down on my lower lip, pulling it between her teeth.

  I slide a finger into her, curling it up as if it could meet my thumb on the other side. Alina breaks the kiss and moans as I press down, rubbing her clit with my thumb and grabbing the inside of her thigh with my other hand. Before she can tilt her head back, I drag her up, placing my lips against her neck. I kiss up to the line of her jaw and then over to her ear.

  “I can’t let you go.” My throat is dry, and it’s hard to get the words out. “You know I couldn’t even function if you weren’t here.”

  “I know. It’s all right. I’m here. Just please, Evan, fuck me.”

  No additional encouragement needed.

  I grab her leg and bring it up over my hip. I sink into her slowly, but that’s the end of all things gentle. I pull back and slam into her.

  “You want to be fucked, do you?”

  “Yes.” Her voice is just a whisper.

  “You want my cock that bad?”

  “Yes!”

  “Then I’m going to give it to you.” My pace is furious. All that has plagued me—the worry over Rinaldo and being alone—I pour into her body. Sweat covers my skin as I take her hard and fast.

  Alina grips my forearms and hangs on as I lean over, pounding into her. She cries out with each thrust, and it sounds like drum beats. I feel my stomach tighten, but I’m not ready to come yet.

  Slowing down, I stroke a couple more times before pulling out of her. Alina squirms and protests as I lean over and trace the skin of her neck with my tongue. I breathe hot air onto her wet flesh and move my lips up her throat.

  “I want your ass,” I whisper in her ear, and she moans. “Do you want that?”