Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2

  CHAPTER VII.

  _A scene of roasting, very nicely adapted to the present tasteand times._

  They arrived at the squire's house just as his dinner was ready. Alittle dispute arose on the account of Fanny, whom the squire, who was abachelor, was desirous to place at his own table; but she would notconsent, nor would Mr Adams permit her to be parted from Joseph; so thatshe was at length with him consigned over to the kitchen, where theservants were ordered to make him drunk; a favour which was likewiseintended for Adams; which design being executed, the squire thought heshould easily accomplish what he had when he first saw her intended toperpetrate with Fanny.

  It may not be improper, before we proceed farther, to open a little thecharacter of this gentleman, and that of his friends. The master of thishouse, then, was a man of a very considerable fortune; a bachelor, as wehave said, and about forty years of age: he had been educated (if we mayuse the expression) in the country, and at his own home, under the careof his mother, and a tutor who had orders never to correct him, nor tocompel him to learn more than he liked, which it seems was very little,and that only in his childhood; for from the age of fifteen he addictedhimself entirely to hunting and other rural amusements, for which hismother took care to equip him with horses, hounds, and all othernecessaries; and his tutor, endeavouring to ingratiate himself with hisyoung pupil, who would, he knew, be able handsomely to provide for him,became his companion, not only at these exercises, but likewise over abottle, which the young squire had a very early relish for. At the ageof twenty his mother began to think she had not fulfilled the duty of aparent; she therefore resolved to persuade her son, if possible, to thatwhich she imagined would well supply all that he might have learned at apublic school or university--this is what they commonly call travelling;which, with the help of the tutor, who was fixed on to attend him, sheeasily succeeded in. He made in three years the tour of Europe, as theyterm it, and returned home well furnished with French clothes, phrases,and servants, with a hearty contempt for his own country; especiallywhat had any savour of the plain spirit and honesty of our ancestors.His mother greatly applauded herself at his return. And now, beingmaster of his own fortune, he soon procured himself a seat inParliament, and was in the common opinion one of the finest gentlemen ofhis age: but what distinguished him chiefly was a strange delight whichhe took in everything which is ridiculous, odious, and absurd in his ownspecies; so that he never chose a companion without one or more of theseingredients, and those who were marked by nature in the most eminentdegree with them were most his favourites. If he ever found a man whoeither had not, or endeavoured to conceal, these imperfections, he tookgreat pleasure in inventing methods of forcing him into absurditieswhich were not natural to him, or in drawing forth and exposing thosethat were; for which purpose he was always provided with a set offellows, whom we have before called curs, and who did, indeed, no greathonour to the canine kind; their business was to hunt out and displayeverything that had any savour of the above-mentioned qualities, andespecially in the gravest and best characters; but if they failed intheir search, they were to turn even virtue and wisdom themselves intoridicule, for the diversion of their master and feeder. The gentlemen ofcurlike disposition who were now at his house, and whom he had broughtwith him from London, were, an old half-pay officer, a player, a dullpoet, a quack-doctor, a scraping fiddler, and a lame Germandancing-master.

  As soon as dinner was served, while Mr Adams was saying grace, thecaptain conveyed his chair from behind him; so that when he endeavouredto seat himself he fell down on the ground, and this completed joke thefirst, to the great entertainment of the whole company. The second jokewas performed by the poet, who sat next him on the other side, and tookan opportunity, while poor Adams was respectfully drinking to the masterof the house, to overturn a plate of soup into his breeches; which, withthe many apologies he made, and the parson's gentle answers, caused muchmirth in the company. Joke the third was served up by one of thewaiting-men, who had been ordered to convey a quantity of gin into MrAdams's ale, which he declaring to be the best liquor he ever drank, butrather too rich of the malt, contributed again to their laughter. MrAdams, from whom we had most of this relation, could not recollect allthe jests of this kind practised on him, which the inoffensivedisposition of his own heart made him slow in discovering; and indeed,had it not been for the information which we received from a servant ofthe family, this part of our history, which we take to be none of theleast curious, must have been deplorably imperfect; though we must ownit probable that some more jokes were (as they call it) cracked duringtheir dinner; but we have by no means been able to come at the knowledgeof them. When dinner was removed, the poet began to repeat some verses,which, he said, were made extempore. The following is a copy of them,procured with the greatest difficulty:--

  _An extempore Poem on parson Adams._

  Did ever mortal such a parson view? His cassock old, his wig not over-new, Well might the hounds have him for fox mistaken, In smell more like to that than rusty bacon[A]; But would it not make any mortal stare To see this parson taken for a hare? Could Phoebus err thus grossly, even he For a good player might have taken thee.

  [A] All hounds that will hunt fox or other vermin will hunt a piece of rusty bacon trailed on the ground.

  At which words the bard whipt off the player's wig, and received theapprobation of the company, rather perhaps for the dexterity of his handthan his head. The player, instead of retorting the jest on the poet,began to display his talents on the same subject. He repeated manyscraps of wit out of plays, reflecting on the whole body of the clergy,which were received with great acclamations by all present. It was nowthe dancing-master's turn to exhibit his talents; he therefore,addressing himself to Adams in broken English, told him, "He was a manver well made for de dance, and he suppose by his walk dat he had learnof some great master." He said, "It was ver pretty quality in clergymanto dance;" and concluded with desiring him to dance a minuet, tellinghim, "his cassock would serve for petticoats; and that he would himselfbe his partner." At which words, without waiting for an answer, hepulled out his gloves, and the fiddler was preparing his fiddle. Thecompany all offered the dancing-master wagers that the parson out-dancedhim, which he refused, saying "he believed so too, for he had never seenany man in his life who looked de dance so well as de gentleman:" hethen stepped forwards to take Adams by the hand, which the latterhastily withdrew, and, at the same time clenching his fist, advised himnot to carry the jest too far, for he would not endure being put upon.The dancing-master no sooner saw the fist than he prudently retired outof its reach, and stood aloof, mimicking Adams, whose eyes were fixed onhim, not guessing what he was at, but to avoid his laying hold on him,which he had once attempted. In the meanwhile, the captain, perceivingan opportunity, pinned a cracker or devil to the cassock, and thenlighted it with their little smoking-candle. Adams, being a stranger tothis sport, and believing he had been blown up in reality, started fromhis chair, and jumped about the room, to the infinite joy of thebeholders, who declared he was the best dancer in the universe. As soonas the devil had done tormenting him, and he had a little recovered hisconfusion, he returned to the table, standing up in the posture of onewho intended to make a speech. They all cried out, "Hear him, hear him;"and he then spoke in the following manner: "Sir, I am sorry to see oneto whom Providence hath been so bountiful in bestowing his favours makeso ill and ungrateful a return for them; for, though you have notinsulted me yourself, it is visible you have delighted in those that doit, nor have once discouraged the many rudenesses which have been showntowards me; indeed, towards yourself, if you rightly understood them;for I am your guest, and by the laws of hospitality entitled to yourprotection. One gentleman had thought proper to produce some poetry uponme, of which I shall only say, that I had rather be the subject than thecomposer. He hath pleased to treat me with disrespect as a parson. Iapprehend my order is not the subject of scorn, nor that I can becomeso, unless by being a di
sgrace to it, which I hope poverty will never becalled. Another gentleman, indeed, hath repeated some sentences, wherethe order itself is mentioned with contempt. He says they are taken fromplays. I am sure such plays are a scandal to the government whichpermits them, and cursed will be the nation where they are represented.How others have treated me I need not observe; they themselves, whenthey reflect, must allow the behaviour to be as improper to my years asto my cloth. You found me, sir, travelling with two of my parishioners(I omit your hounds falling on me; for I have quite forgiven it, whetherit proceeded from the wantonness or negligence of the huntsman): myappearance might very well persuade you that your invitation was an actof charity, though in reality we were well provided; yes, sir, if we hadhad an hundred miles to travel, we had sufficient to bear our expensesin a noble manner." (At which words he produced the half-guinea whichwas found in the basket.) "I do not show you this out of ostentation ofriches, but to convince you I speak truth. Your seating me at your tablewas an honour which I did not ambitiously affect. When I was here, Iendeavoured to behave towards you with the utmost respect; if I havefailed, it was not with design; nor could I, certainly, so far be guiltyas to deserve the insults I have suffered. If they were meant,therefore, either to my order or my poverty (and you see I am not verypoor), the shame doth not lie at my door, and I heartily pray that thesin may be averted from yours." He thus finished, and received a generalclap from the whole company. Then the gentleman of the house told him,"He was sorry for what had happened; that he could not accuse him of anyshare in it; that the verses were, as himself had well observed, so bad,that he might easily answer them; and for the serpent, it wasundoubtedly a very great affront done him by the dancing-master, forwhich, if he well thrashed him, as he deserved, he should be very muchpleased to see it" (in which, probably, he spoke truth). Adams answered,"Whoever had done it, it was not his profession to punish him that way;but for the person whom he had accused, I am a witness," says he, "ofhis innocence; for I had my eye on him all the while. Whoever he was,God forgive him, and bestow on him a little more sense as well ashumanity." The captain answered with a surly look and accent, "That hehoped he did not mean to reflect upon him; d--n him, he had as muchimanity as another, and, if any man said he had not, he would convincehim of his mistake by cutting his throat." Adams, smiling, said, "Hebelieved he had spoke right by accident." To which the captain returned,"What do you mean by my speaking right? If you was not a parson, I wouldnot take these words; but your gown protects you. If any man who wears asword had said so much, I had pulled him by the nose before this." Adamsreplied, "If he attempted any rudeness to his person, he would not findany protection for himself in his gown;" and, clenching his fist,declared "he had thrashed many a stouter man." The gentleman did all hecould to encourage this warlike disposition in Adams, and was in hopesto have produced a battle, but he was disappointed; for the captain madeno other answer than, "It is very well you are a parson;" and so,drinking off a bumper to old mother Church, ended the dispute.

  Then the doctor, who had hitherto been silent, and who was the gravestbut most mischievous dog of all, in a very pompous speech highlyapplauded what Adams had said, and as much discommended the behaviourto him. He proceeded to encomiums on the Church and poverty; and,lastly, recommended forgiveness of what had passed to Adams, whoimmediately answered, "That everything was forgiven;" and in the warmthof his goodness he filled a bumper of strong beer (a liquor hepreferred to wine), and drank a health to the whole company, shakingthe captain and the poet heartily by the hand, and addressing himselfwith great respect to the doctor; who, indeed, had not laughedoutwardly at anything that past, as he had a perfect command of hismuscles, and could laugh inwardly without betraying the least symptomsin his countenance. The doctor now began a second formal speech, inwhich he declaimed against all levity of conversation, and what isusually called mirth. He said, "There were amusements fitted forpersons of all ages and degrees, from the rattle to the discussing apoint of philosophy; and that men discovered themselves in nothing morethan in the choice of their amusements; for," says he, "as it mustgreatly raise our expectation of the future conduct in life of boyswhom in their tender years we perceive, instead of taw or balls, orother childish playthings, to chuse, at their leisure hours, toexercise their genius in contentions of wit, learning, and such like;so must it inspire one with equal contempt of a man, if we shoulddiscover him playing at taw or other childish play." Adams highlycommended the doctor's opinion, and said, "He had often wondered atsome passages in ancient authors, where Scipio, Laelius, and other greatmen were represented to have passed many hours in amusements of themost trifling kind." The doctor replied, "He had by him an old Greekmanuscript where a favourite diversion of Socrates was recorded." "Ay!"says the parson eagerly; "I should be most infinitely obliged to youfor the favour of perusing it." The doctor promised to send it him, andfarther said, "That he believed he could describe it. I think," sayshe, "as near as I can remember, it was this: there was a throneerected, on one side of which sat a king and on the other a queen, withtheir guards and attendants ranged on both sides; to them wasintroduced an ambassador, which part Socrates always used to performhimself; and when he was led up to the footsteps of the throne headdressed himself to the monarchs in some grave speech, full of virtue,and goodness, and morality, and such like. After which, he was seatedbetween the king and queen, and royally entertained. This I think wasthe chief part. Perhaps I may have forgot some particulars; for it islong since I read it." Adams said, "It was, indeed, a diversion worthythe relaxation of so great a man; and thought something resembling itshould be instituted among our great men, instead of cards and otheridle pastime, in which, he was informed, they trifled away too much oftheir lives." He added, "The Christian religion was a nobler subjectfor these speeches than any Socrates could have invented." Thegentleman of the house approved what Mr Adams said, and declared "hewas resolved to perform the ceremony this very evening." To which thedoctor objected, as no one was prepared with a speech, "unless," saidhe (turning to Adams with a gravity of countenance which would havedeceived a more knowing man), "you have a sermon about you, doctor.""Sir," said Adams, "I never travel without one, for fear of what mayhappen." He was easily prevailed on by his worthy friend, as he nowcalled the doctor, to undertake the part of the ambassador; so that thegentleman sent immediate orders to have the throne erected, which wasperformed before they had drank two bottles; and, perhaps, the readerwill hereafter have no great reason to admire the nimbleness of theservants. Indeed, to confess the truth, the throne was no more thanthis: there was a great tub of water provided, on each side of whichwere placed two stools raised higher than the surface of the tub, andover the whole was laid a blanket; on these stools were placed the kingand queen, namely, the master of the house and the captain. And now theambassador was introduced between the poet and the doctor; who, havingread his sermon, to the great entertainment of all present, was led upto his place and seated between their majesties. They immediately roseup, when the blanket, wanting its supports at either end, gave way, andsoused Adams over head and ears in the water. The captain made hisescape, but, unluckily, the gentleman himself not being as nimble as heought, Adams caught hold of him before he descended from his throne,and pulled him in with him, to the entire secret satisfaction of allthe company. Adams, after ducking the squire twice or thrice, leapt outof the tub, and looked sharp for the doctor, whom he would certainlyhave conveyed to the same place of honour; but he had wisely withdrawn:he then searched for his crabstick, and having found that, as well ashis fellow travellers, he declared he would not stay a moment longer insuch a house. He then departed, without taking leave of his host, whomhe had exacted a more severe revenge on than he intended; for, as hedid not use sufficient care to dry himself in time, he caught a cold bythe accident which threw him into a fever that had like to have costhim his life.