Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2

  CHAPTER XII.

  _More adventures, which we hope will as much please as surprizethe reader._

  Neither the facetious dialogue which passed between the poet and theplayer, nor the grave and truly solemn discourse of Mr Adams, will, weconceive, make the reader sufficient amends for the anxiety which hemust have felt on the account of poor Fanny, whom we left in sodeplorable a condition. We shall therefore now proceed to the relationof what happened to that beautiful and innocent virgin, after she fellinto the wicked hands of the captain.

  The man of war, having conveyed his charming prize out of the inn alittle before day, made the utmost expedition in his power towards thesquire's house, where this delicate creature was to be offered up asacrifice to the lust of a ravisher. He was not only deaf to all herbewailings and entreaties on the road, but accosted her ears withimpurities which, having been never before accustomed to them, shehappily for herself very little understood. At last he changed his note,and attempted to soothe and mollify her, by setting forth the splendorand luxury which would be her fortune with a man who would have theinclination, and power too, to give her whatever her utmost wishes coulddesire; and told her he doubted not but she would soon look kinder onhim, as the instrument of her happiness, and despise that pitiful fellowwhom her ignorance only could make her fond of. She answered, she knewnot whom he meant; she never was fond of any pitiful fellow. "Are youaffronted, madam," says he, "at my calling him so? But what better canbe said of one in a livery, notwithstanding your fondness for him?" Shereturned, that she did not understand him, that the man had been herfellow-servant, and she believed was as honest a creature as any alive;but as for fondness for men--"I warrant ye," cries the captain, "weshall find means to persuade you to be fond; and I advise you to yieldto gentle ones, for you may be assured that it is not in your power, byany struggles whatever, to preserve your virginity two hours longer. Itwill be your interest to consent; for the squire will be much kinder toyou if he enjoys you willingly than by force." At which words she beganto call aloud for assistance (for it was now open day), but, findingnone, she lifted her eyes to heaven, and supplicated the Divineassistance to preserve her innocence. The captain told her, if shepersisted in her vociferation, he would find a means of stopping hermouth. And now the poor wretch, perceiving no hopes of succour,abandoned herself to despair, and, sighing out the name of Joseph!Joseph! a river of tears ran down her lovely cheeks, and wet thehandkerchief which covered her bosom. A horseman now appeared in theroad, upon which the captain threatened her violently if she complained;however, the moment they approached each other she begged him with theutmost earnestness to relieve a distressed creature who was in the handsof a ravisher. The fellow stopt at those words, but the captain assuredhim it was his wife, and that he was carrying her home from heradulterer, which so satisfied the fellow, who was an old one (andperhaps a married one too), that he wished him a good journey, and rodeon. He was no sooner past than the captain abused her violently forbreaking his commands, and threatened to gagg her, when two morehorsemen, armed with pistols, came into the road just before them. Sheagain solicited their assistance, and the captain told the same story asbefore. Upon which one said to the other, "That's a charming wench,Jack; I wish I had been in the fellow's place, whoever he is." But theother, instead of answering him, cried out, "Zounds, I know her;" andthen, turning to her, said, "Sure you are not Fanny Goodwill?"--"Indeed,indeed, I am," she cried--"O John, I know you now-Heaven hath sent youto my assistance, to deliver me from this wicked man, who is carrying meaway for his vile purposes--O for God's sake rescue me from him!" Afierce dialogue immediately ensued between the captain and these twomen, who, being both armed with pistols, and the chariot which theyattended being now arrived, the captain saw both force and stratagemwere vain, and endeavoured to make his escape, in which however he couldnot succeed. The gentleman who rode in the chariot ordered it to stop,and with an air of authority examined into the merits of the cause; ofwhich being advertised by Fanny, whose credit was confirmed by thefellow who knew her, he ordered the captain, who was all bloody from hisencounter at the inn, to be conveyed as a prisoner behind the chariot,and very gallantly took Fanny into it; for, to say the truth, thisgentleman (who was no other than the celebrated Mr Peter Pounce, and whopreceded the Lady Booby only a few miles, by setting out earlier in themorning) was a very gallant person, and loved a pretty girl better thananything besides his own money or the money of other people.

  The chariot now proceeded towards the inn, which, as Fanny was informed,lay in their way, and where it arrived at that very time while the poetand player were disputing below-stairs, and Adams and Joseph werediscoursing back to back above; just at that period to which we broughtthem both in the two preceding chapters the chariot stopt at the door,and in an instant Fanny, leaping from it, ran up to her Joseph.--Oreader! conceive if thou canst the joy which fired the breasts of theselovers on this meeting; and if thy own heart doth not sympatheticallyassist thee in this conception, I pity thee sincerely from my own; forlet the hard-hearted villain know this, that there is a pleasure in atender sensation beyond any which he is capable of tasting.

  Peter, being informed by Fanny of the presence of Adams, stopt to seehim, and receive his homage; for, as Peter was an hypocrite, a sort ofpeople whom Mr Adams never saw through, the one paid that respect to hisseeming goodness which the other believed to be paid to his riches;hence Mr Adams was so much his favourite, that he once lent him fourpounds thirteen shillings and sixpence to prevent his going to gaol, onno greater security than a bond and judgment, which probably he wouldhave made no use of, though the money had not been (as it was) paidexactly at the time.

  It is not perhaps easy to describe the figure of Adams; he had risen insuch a hurry, that he had on neither breeches, garters, nor stockings;nor had he taken from his head a red spotted handkerchief, which bynight bound his wig, turned inside out, around his head. He had on historn cassock and his greatcoat; but, as the remainder of his cassockhung down below his greatcoat, so did a small stripe of white, or ratherwhitish, linen appear below that; to which we may add the severalcolours which appeared on his face, where a long piss-burnt beard servedto retain the liquor of the stone-pot, and that of a blacker hue whichdistilled from the mop.--This figure, which Fanny had delivered from hiscaptivity, was no sooner spied by Peter than it disordered the composedgravity of his muscles; however, he advised him immediately to makehimself clean, nor would accept his homage in that pickle.

  The poet and player no sooner saw the captain in captivity than theybegan to consider of their own safety, of which flight presented itselfas the only means; they therefore both of them mounted the poet's horse,and made the most expeditious retreat in their power.

  The host, who well knew Mr Pounce and Lady Booby's livery, was not alittle surprized at this change of the scene; nor was his confusion muchhelped by his wife, who was now just risen, and, having heard from himthe account of what had passed, comforted him with a decent number offools and blockheads; asked him why he did not consult her, and told himhe would never leave following the nonsensical dictates of his ownnumskull till she and her family were ruined.

  Joseph, being informed of the captain's arrival, and seeing his Fannynow in safety, quitted her a moment, and, running downstairs, wentdirectly to him, and stripping off his coat, challenged him to fight;but the captain refused, saying he did not understand boxing. He thengrasped a cudgel in one hand, and, catching the captain by the collarwith the other, gave him a most severe drubbing, and ended with tellinghim he had now had some revenge for what his dear Fanny had suffered.

  When Mr Pounce had a little regaled himself with some provision which hehad in his chariot, and Mr Adams had put on the best appearance hisclothes would allow him, Pounce ordered the captain into his presence,for he said he was guilty of felony, and the next justice of peaceshould commit him; but the servants (whose appetite for revenge is soonsatisfied), being sufficiently contented with the drubbing which Josephhad i
nflicted on him, and which was indeed of no very moderate kind, hadsuffered him to go off, which he did, threatening a severe revengeagainst Joseph, which I have never heard he thought proper to take.

  The mistress of the house made her voluntary appearance before MrPounce, and with a thousand curtsies told him, "She hoped his honourwould pardon her husband, who was a very nonsense man, for the sake ofhis poor family; that indeed if he could be ruined alone, she should bevery willing of it; for because as why, his worship very well knew hedeserved it; but she had three poor small children, who were not capableto get their own living; and if her husband was sent to gaol, they mustall come to the parish; for she was a poor weak woman, continuallya-breeding, and had no time to work for them. She therefore hoped hishonour would take it into his worship's consideration, and forgive herhusband this time; for she was sure he never intended any harm to man,woman, or child; and if it was not for that block-head of his own, theman in some things was well enough; for she had had three children byhim in less than three years, and was almost ready to cry out the fourthtime." She would have proceeded in this manner much longer, had notPeter stopt her tongue, by telling her he had nothing to say to herhusband nor her neither. So, as Adams and the rest had assured her offorgiveness, she cried and curtsied out of the room.

  Mr Pounce was desirous that Fanny should continue her journey with himin the chariot; but she absolutely refused, saying she would ride behindJoseph on a horse which one of Lady Booby's servants had equipped himwith. But, alas! when the horse appeared, it was found to be no otherthan that identical beast which Mr Adams had left behind him at the inn,and which these honest fellows, who knew him, had redeemed. Indeed,whatever horse they had provided for Joseph, they would have prevailedwith him to mount none, no, not even to ride before his beloved Fanny,till the parson was supplied; much less would he deprive his friend ofthe beast which belonged to him, and which he knew the moment he saw,though Adams did not; however, when he was reminded of the affair, andtold that they had brought the horse with them which he left behind, heanswered--Bless me! and so I did.

  Adams was very desirous that Joseph and Fanny should mount this horse,and declared he could very easily walk home. "If I walked alone," sayshe, "I would wage a shilling that the pedestrian outstripped theequestrian travellers; but, as I intend to take the company of a pipe,peradventure I may be an hour later." One of the servants whisperedJoseph to take him at his word, and suffer the old put to walk if hewould: this proposal was answered with an angry look and a peremptoryrefusal by Joseph, who, catching Fanny up in his arms, averred he wouldrather carry her home in that manner, than take away Mr Adams's horseand permit him to walk on foot.

  Perhaps, reader, thou hast seen a contest between two gentlemen, or twoladies, quickly decided, though they have both asserted they would noteat such a nice morsel, and each insisted on the other's accepting it;but in reality both were very desirous to swallow it themselves. Do nottherefore conclude hence that this dispute would have come to a speedydecision: for here both parties were heartily in earnest, and it is veryprobable they would have remained in the inn-yard to this day, had notthe good Peter Pounce put a stop to it; for, finding he had no longerhopes of satisfying his old appetite with Fanny, and being desirous ofhaving some one to whom he might communicate his grandeur, he told theparson he would convey him home in his chariot. This favour was byAdams, with many bows and acknowledgments, accepted, though heafterwards said, "he ascended the chariot rather that he might notoffend than from any desire of riding in it, for that in his heart hepreferred the pedestrian even to the vehicular expedition." All mattersbeing now settled, the chariot, in which rode Adams and Pounce, movedforwards; and Joseph having borrowed a pillion from the host, Fanny hadjust seated herself thereon, and had laid hold of the girdle which herlover wore for that purpose, when the wise beast, who concluded that oneat a time was sufficient, that two to one were odds, &c., discoveredmuch uneasiness at his double load, and began to consider his hinder ashis fore legs, moving the direct contrary way to that which is calledforwards. Nor could Joseph, with all his horsemanship, persuade him toadvance; but, without having any regard to the lovely part of the lovelygirl which was on his back, he used such agitations, that, had not oneof the men come immediately to her assistance, she had, in plainEnglish, tumbled backwards on the ground. This inconvenience waspresently remedied by an exchange of horses; and then Fanny being againplaced on her pillion, on a better-natured and somewhat a better-fedbeast, the parson's horse, finding he had no longer odds to contendwith, agreed to march; and the whole procession set forwards forBooby-hall, where they arrived in a few hours without anythingremarkable happening on the road, unless it was a curious dialoguebetween the parson and the steward: which, to use the language of a lateApologist, a pattern to all biographers, "waits for the reader in thenext chapter."