Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2

  CHAPTER XIV.

  _Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fellinto many hair-breadth 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partlyto his inadvertency._

  About an hour after they had all separated (it being now past three inthe morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him notto close his eyes, but had employed his imagination in contrivances howto satisfy his desires, at last hit on a method by which he hoped toeffect it. He had ordered his servant to bring him word where Fanny lay,and had received his information; he therefore arose, put on hisbreeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led toher apartment; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he openedit with the least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour nowinvaded his nostrils which he did not expect in the room of so sweet ayoung creature, and which might have probably had no good effect on acooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with difficulty, for therewas not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he whispered inJoseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), "Fanny, my angel! I amcome to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story welast night heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover; nor will Ibe delayed the enjoyment of thee one moment longer. You have sufficientassurances of my constancy not to doubt my marrying you, and it would bewant of love to deny me the possession of thy charms."--So saying, hedisencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, and, leapinginto bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture.If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased tofind his hug returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in thissweet confusion; for both he and his paramour presently discovered theirerror. Indeed it was no other than the accomplished Slipslop whom he hadengaged; but, though she immediately knew the person whom she hadmistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the representative ofFanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, thatlight itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture.Beau Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted toescape from the bed with much greater haste than he had made to it; butthe watchful Slipslop prevented him. For that prudent woman, beingdisappointed of those delicious offerings which her fancy had promisedher pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her virtue.Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her lateconduct had, she feared, given her reputation; and, as she had awonderful presence of mind, she conceived the person of the unfortunatebeau to be luckily thrown in her way to restore her lady's opinion ofher impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, when he offered toleap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same timeroaring out, "O thou villain! who hast attacked my chastity, and, Ibelieve, ruined me in my sleep; I will swear a rape against thee, I willprosecute thee with the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to getloose, but she held him fast, and when he struggled she cried out"Murder! murder! rape! robbery! ruin!" At which words, parson Adams, wholay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the pedlar'sdiscovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag ofclothes on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. Hemade directly to the bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau'sskin (for Slipslop had torn his shirt almost off), and finding his skinextremely soft, and hearing him in a low voice begging Slipslop to lethim go, he no longer doubted but this was the young woman in danger ofravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold onSlipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed;he therefore rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then,turning towards Slipslop, received such a cuff on his chops, that, hiswrath kindling instantly, he offered to return the favour so stoutly,that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the dark passed byher and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up theghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffedand scratched as well as she could; nor was he behindhand with her inhis endeavours, but happily the darkness of the night befriended her.She then cried she was a woman; but Adams answered, she was rather thedevil, and if she was he would grapple with him; and, being againirritated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrancein the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over thehouse. Adams then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout hadfallen off in the scuffle), pinned her head down to the bolster, andthen both called for lights together. The Lady Booby, who was as wakefulas any of her guests, had been alarmed from the beginning; and, being awoman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, andslippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in herhand, she walked undauntedly to Slipslop's room; where she entered justat the instant as Adams had discovered, by the two mountains whichSlipslop carried before her, that he was concerned with a female. Hethen concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied those breasts gavesuck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the room,cried help! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice: and Adams,perceiving the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him)just as she came to the feet of the bed; nor did her modesty, when shefound the naked condition of Adams, suffer her to approach farther. Shethen began to revile the parson as the wickedest of all men, andparticularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the sceneof his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality.Poor Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and,now first recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than LadyBooby herself, and immediately whipt under the bedclothes, whence thechaste Slipslop endeavoured in vain to shut him out. Then putting forthhis head, on which, by way of ornament, he wore a flannel nightcap, heprotested his innocence, and asked ten thousand pardons of Mrs Slipslopfor the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a witch.Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed somethingsparkle with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared tobe a very fine pair of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farthershe saw lie the sleeve itself of a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday!"says she, "what is the meaning of this?" "O, madam," says Slipslop, "Idon't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. Here may havebeen a dozen men in the room." "To whom belongs this laced shirt andjewels?" says the lady. "Undoubtedly," cries the parson, "to the younggentleman whom I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whenceproceeded all the subsequent mistakes; for if I had suspected him for aman, I would have seized him, had he been another Hercules, though,indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an account ofthe reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came intothe room; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whoseheads only were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she couldnot refrain from laughter; nor did Slipslop persist in accusing theparson of any motions towards a rape. The lady therefore desired him toreturn to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then orderingSlipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herselfthither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon toMrs Slipslop, who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, butbegan to move with much courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hintto begin, immediately quitted the bed, and made the best of his waytowards his own; but unluckily, instead of turning to the right, heturned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who (asthe reader may remember) had not slept a wink the preceding night, andwho was so hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that,notwithstanding all thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into soprofound a sleep, that all the noise in the adjoining room had not beenable to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, and, turning the clothesdown softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, crept in,and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good womanhad always assigned him.

  As the cat or lap-dog of some lovely nymph, for whom ten thousand loverslanguish, lies quietly by the side of the charming maid, and, ignorantof the scene of delight on which t
hey repose, meditates the futurecapture of a mouse, or surprisal of a plate of bread and butter: soAdams lay by the side of Fanny, ignorant of the paradise to which he wasso near; nor could the emanation of sweets which flowed from her breathoverpower the fumes of tobacco which played in the parson's nostrils.And now sleep had not overtaken the good man, when Joseph, who hadsecretly appointed Fanny to come to her at the break of day, rappedsoftly at the chamber-door, which when he had repeated twice, Adamscryed, "Come in, whoever you are." Joseph thought he had mistaken thedoor, though she had given him the most exact directions; however,knowing his friend's voice, he opened it, and saw some female vestmentslying on a chair. Fanny waking at the same instant, and stretching outher hand on Adams's beard, she cried out,--"O heavens! where am I?""Bless me! where am I?" said the parson. Then Fanny screamed, Adamsleapt out of bed, and Joseph stood, as the tragedians call it, like thestatue of Surprize. "How came she into my room?" cryed Adams. "How cameyou into hers?" cryed Joseph, in an astonishment. "I know nothing of thematter," answered Adams, "but that she is a vestal for me. As I am aChristian, I know not whether she is a man or woman. He is an infidelwho doth not believe in witchcraft. They as surely exist now as in thedays of Saul. My clothes are bewitched away too, and Fanny's broughtinto their place." For he still insisted he was in his own apartment;but Fanny denied it vehemently, and said his attempting to persuadeJoseph of such a falsehood convinced her of his wicked designs. "How!"said Joseph in a rage, "hath he offered any rudeness to you?" Sheanswered--She could not accuse him of any more than villanously stealingto bed to her, which she thought rudeness sufficient, and what no manwould do without a wicked intention.

  Joseph's great opinion of Adams was not easily to be staggered, and whenhe heard from Fanny that no harm had happened he grew a little cooler;yet still he was confounded, and, as he knew the house, and that thewomen's apartments were on this side Mrs Slipslop's room, and the men'son the other, he was convinced that he was in Fanny's chamber. AssuringAdams therefore of this truth, he begged him to give some account how hecame there. Adams then, standing in his shirt, which did not offendFanny, as the curtains of the bed were drawn, related all that hadhappened; and when he had ended Joseph told him,--It was plain he hadmistaken by turning to the right instead of the left. "Odso!" criesAdams, "that's true: as sure as sixpence, you have hit on the verything." He then traversed the room, rubbing his hands, and beggedFanny's pardon, assuring her he did not know whether she was man orwoman. That innocent creature firmly believing all he said, told him shewas no longer angry, and begged Joseph to conduct him into his ownapartment, where he should stay himself till she had put her clothes on.Joseph and Adams accordingly departed, and the latter soon was convincedof the mistake he had committed; however, whilst he was dressinghimself, he often asserted he believed in the power of witchcraftnotwithstanding, and did not see how a Christian could deny it.