Private

  “Thomas?”

  He stopped and turned around. Every movement was sharp and

  The next few days were a flurry of studying, soccer, and secret deliberate, his casual demeanor gone.

  make-out sessions with Thomas. Every time I saw him he would

  “What’s wrong?”

  find some way to touch me or tickle me or kiss me. We made out

  “I can’t talk right now,” he said.

  behind the landscaper’s cottage after breakfast one morning. On

  “But I thought we—”

  my way back from practice on a sunny afternoon he pulled me into

  “I can’t,” he repeated firmly. Then he glanced around and took

  the baseball dugout where I let him slide his hands under my shirt a couple steps closer to me. He lowered his voice. “You haven’t seen and under my bra for the first time, shaking with nerves and para-my phone, have you?”

  noia all the while.

  “Your cell? No. Why?” I asked, baffled.

  But mostly we met up in our own secret place, inside the entry-

  “What the hell could I have done with it?” he blurted, turning

  way to Gwendolyn Hall. There we were still on edge, but felt safer away. He covered his mouth with both hands set in a steeple and than anywhere else. I would sit on Thomas’s lap or he would lay me looked across the campus, racking his brain. “I have to find it,” he back on his jacket and we would touch and kiss and explore each said, starting off again.

  other until the last possible second. Until we had to run off to class

  “I’ll help you,” I said, scurrying after him.

  or dorm meetings or practices.

  “No.”

  Still, each one of these encounters was rushed and panicked, with His response was so harsh it made me stop in my tracks. Thomas

  the two of us constantly listening for footfalls and checking over our saw my face and sighed. “This is my problem. Don’t worry about it,”

  shoulders for prying eyes. All of which made each meeting that much he said. “Just go to class and I’ll . . . catch up with you later.”

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  I tried not to let the depth of my disappointment show in my

  eyes. I had been looking forward to hooking up with him all

  morning. But I could tell that he was clearly wigged about losing his phone. I wasn’t about to guilt him over it.

  Besides, waiting would just make our next meeting that much

  INSIDER INFO

  more intense. I could cope with that.

  “I hope you find it,” I said as he walked away.

  He didn’t even seem to hear me.

  The entire Croton Municipal Library could have fit in the foyer of the Easton Library. Apparently Mitchell Easton, who founded the school with his brother Micah back in the day, was a huge biblio-phile. He had traveled around the world gathering original texts to fill the shelves of his beloved library, the construction of which he had overseen himself. Or so I had read on the bronze plaque near the front door while I waited for Taylor to show up for our first study session that night. Upon arriving fifteen minutes late, Taylor had apologized, explaining that she had been on the phone with her

  little sister, pep-talking her for musical auditions at her school back in Indiana. Until that moment, I had no idea Taylor was from the Midwest and now I felt a definite kinship with her. I was not the only person around here who had not grown up in New York,

  Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

  “Mr. Barber likes to think he has us all shaking in our shoes, but last year I figured out his pattern,” she whispered to me across the wide, gleaming, oak table we had commandeered in the stacks. The

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  place was deathly quiet, the only sound the whirring of a far-off reports about food. I have no idea why. I don’t think she’s eaten a copy machine somewhere near the back wall.

  real meal since the Clinton administration.”

  “His pattern?” I whispered, leaning forward.

  I laughed.

  Taylor smiled mischievously and I realized she was in her

  “Aren’t you going to study?” I asked, eyeing her well-worn

  element. She was a lot more confident, playful, and talkative here book.

  among the books than she was among her friends.

  “Remember what Noelle said about me having done the whole

  “Everyone thinks his weekly quizzes are killers, but I guarantee semester’s work?” she said.

  you I can predict almost every question he asks,” Taylor said, openI nodded.

  ing my history book to chapter six and turning it toward me on the

  “She wasn’t kidding.”

  table. “He takes all his questions from the third sentences of para-Damn.

  graphs within the required reading.” She used her pencil’s eraser I opened my notebook and was about to get to work when

  as a pointer. “Here. ‘On July 12, 1812, General Hull and his troops Taylor’s cell phone vibrated on the table. She glanced at it and crossed into Canada at Sandwich.’” She read upside down faster

  rolled her eyes.

  than I did right side up. “That’s the third sentence of a paragraph.

  “It’s for you,” she said.

  You can forget about everything else after that. Just memorize that My brow creased, but I took the phone. The text message read:

  information and you’ll be fine.”

  “smarter yet glasslicker?”

  “No way,” I said, sliding the book toward me.

  I snorted a laugh. I put my pen down and texted back “almost.”

  “Trust me. If you don’t get at least a ninety-two on his next quiz, The moment I placed the phone down, it vibrated again. Taylor

  you can take it out on me,” she said.

  shot it an irritated look. This time the text read: “y dont u have ur I smiled and opened up my notebook so I could start making

  own phone? r u a loser?’

  lists. I felt as if someone had just handed me a limit-free charge I flushed and texted back “not allowed.” More like “have no

  card. That’s how excited I was to show Mr. Barber up.

  money.” But she didn’t need to know that.

  “I think I might love you,” I told Taylor.

  The response was almost instantaneous: “have 2 fx that.”

  She laughed and was clearly pleased. “Get all that info down and Whatever that meant. I placed the phone down and it vibrated

  then we’ll talk about how to impress Miss Krantz,” Taylor said, again. Taylor clucked her tongue and picked it up. She texted back pulling a romance novel out of her bag. “Woman has a thing for oral furiously.

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  “What did you say?” I asked, hoping that whatever it was

  wouldn’t get Noelle mad at me.

  “I just reminded her that if we didn’t get your grades up, they’d send you home. And she doesn’t want that to happen.”

  Really? Well, that was . . . interesting. Hard to believe that Noelle KETLAR HOUSE

  could possibly care whether I was here or not, but good to hear.

  I smiled, flattered and somewhat relieved. But a second later,

  the phone vibrated again. I grabbed it playfully before Taylor could get to it, then was appalled at my own audacity. This wasn’t my phone, and Noelle might be writing something private to Taylor. I When I arrived at Ketlar that night, Thomas took my hand and led was about to hand it back when I saw the text was not from Noelle.

  me right through the common room and down the hallway toward

  It was from Thomas. Apparently he had found his phone. My heart his dorm room. He opened the door and stood there, waiting for me sunk. Why was Thomas texting Taylor? But in the next second I

&n
bsp; to go in. Beyond the threshold, I saw two beds made with dark

  realized that this message, too, was for me.

  spreads. One side of the room was messy and covered with art sup-

  “New grl: ketlar common room. 8pm. b there.” An invite to the

  plies, an easel standing in the corner. The other side was almost guys’ dorm. From Thomas. This day just kept getting more and

  pathologically neat with a variety of electronics glowing and

  more interesting. Taylor must have noticed my elated expression whirring in the darkness. The only light came from a small, green because she grabbed the phone out of my hand. She glanced at the desk lamp.

  message, scoffed, and turned off the phone.

  “What’re we doing?” I asked, my pulse racing with both trepida-

  “You can play with your boyfriend when you’re done with your

  tion and excitement.

  work,” she said in a faux-mom tone.

  “Go in,” Thomas said.

  I snorted a laugh. She smiled. I could think about Noelle and her I hesitated. This was so very against the rules.

  plans later. If I didn’t do this work now, I might never get the

  “Go in,” Thomas repeated, this time a touch more firmly. My

  chance to find out what they were.

  pulse skipped and prodded me over the threshold. Thomas closed

  Of course, who knew if that would be a good thing or a bad

  the door behind us and we were alone. In his room. I was alone in a thing?

  boy’s dorm room with the door closed.

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  “What are we doing?’ I said again.

  a new one activated before they found out. My parents already think

  “I’m sorry I missed today,” he said, taking my hand and kissing I’m irresponsible enough.”

  it. “I wanted to make it up to you.”

  Ah. So it was this other, parental phone that had gone missing.

  My heart thumped, but I turned away. He wasn’t actually sug-

  He leaned over and plucked the first cell from my fingers. “This gesting we hook up here. Now. In his room. A girl could get expelled one I pay for. This is the number all the important people get.”

  for this type of thing. I picked up his cell from his desk, stalling for He reached by me and placed it back on the desk. He was inches

  time.

  away. “I don’t need my parents checking out my bill and prying into

  “I see you found this,” I said. “Where was it?”

  my life,” he said, looking deep into my eyes. “It’s just easier this Just then, another cell phone bleeped. I glanced at Josh’s side of way.”

  the room, but then Thomas whipped a second phone out of his

  I felt sorry for him. That he had to go so far to separate himself pocket.

  from these people who were supposed to love him. Of course, I had

  “Hang on,” he told me. He flipped the phone open and turned

  to move hundreds of miles away for the same reason.

  away from me. “Pearson.”

  “Have you decided what to do? About parents’ weekend?” I

  I stared down at the phone in my hand. He had two? Why did he

  asked, looking down at my fingers.

  have two? Wasn’t one extravagant enough? And if it was always with He took a deep breath and blew it out. “No. You?”

  you, you would never need another.

  My heart hurt whenever I thought about my father. He had

  “No. Yeah. That’s fine,” Thomas said quickly into the phone.

  mentioned it on the phone once or twice since he’d first brought it

  “I’ll be there.”

  up. That he’d received an invitation. That they were excited about it.

  Then he snapped the phone closed and sighed. “Sorry,” he said,

  Personally, I couldn’t imagine my mother being excited about

  tucking the second cell into the pocket of his suede jacket, which anything, let alone anything that had to do with me. But the guilt hung off his closet door. “That was Lawrence and Trina.”

  whenever I thought about telling him to stay away was overwhelming.

  I raised my eyebrows at him.

  “No,” I admitted.

  “The elder regents,” he explained. “They’re the only ones that

  “You know what? I don’t want to talk about this,” Thomas said

  have that number.”

  lightly. “I asked you here because I knew you’d had a long day and I

  “Because . . . ?”

  thought I’d help you destress.”

  “They pay for it. That was why I freaked when I lost it. I had to get He smiled and stepped behind me. Slowly he slid my jacket off

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  and let it fall to the ground. My breath caught in my throat as he Briefly, anger flashed through his eyes. “I’m not lying. I love placed his hands on my shoulders. Softly, he touched my neck with you. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t.”

  his lips and my eyes fluttered closed. A thrill of anticipation rushed Yeah, right.

  through me. There was so much wrong with this that it made me

  Then I saw the sincerity in his eyes, and felt guilty for my disloyal want to be there even more.

  thoughts. Okay. Did he want me to tell him I loved him back? Did I Thomas tugged slightly on my shoulder and I turned around. We

  love him back? I had no idea. Should I say it if I wasn’t sure? Would kissed deeply—slowly at first. I trembled as I grasped at the back of he flip out if I didn’t?

  his shirt, holding on. I was all nerves and excitement and curiosity

  “I—”

  and I just wanted to keep touching him. He held me tightly in his

  “Don’t say anything,” Thomas said. “It’s okay. I just want to be arms and pulled me closer and closer into him until I heard a noise with you.”

  in the hallway and jumped away.

  I swallowed hard. In that moment I knew. I knew that I was

  He stepped forward and took my hand, tugging me toward the

  going to give him what he wanted. I was going to give him every-neat-as-a-pin bed. “It’s okay,” he said. “No one’s coming down

  thing.

  here. I promise.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “How do you know?” I asked, my heart pounding in my throat.

  And he smiled and kissed me, leaning me slowly backward onto

  “I have ways,” Thomas replied.

  his bed.

  He pulled me down on his bed and my leg hooked over his. He

  slid his hands underneath my hair and pulled me to him. His kiss was urgent. Almost violent. And I knew for sure what he wanted.

  Why I was there.

  He slid his hands under my shirt and my breath caught in

  anticipation. But to my surprise, his palms stopped on my stomach.

  He pulled back and looked into my eyes.

  “You know I love you, right?” he whispered.

  I was so shocked I almost laughed.

  “You don’t have to say that,” I said.

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  around in her backpack? And where the hell would one even get

  that kind of thing in this cloistered place?

  “What’s eating you, glass-licker?” Noelle asked, jogging to catch up with me.

  A GIFT

  I flinched, feeling as if I had just been caught. An answer. An answer. I needed an answer.

  “It’s parents’ weekend,” I said.

  Noelle laughed. “Thomas rubbing off on you?”

  I flushed, thinking of Thomas’s room. Of his body. Of his skin

  It was done. My virgini
ty. Officially gone. Lost. Given away. As I against mine.

  walked up the hill to soccer practice the next day, I tried to wrap my

  “No. It’s not that.” I looked up the hill at our teammates who were brain around it. Tried to decide how I felt about it. In all my life I a good ten yards ahead, chatting and laughing. “I’m not looking had never thought that I would be a person who just let it happen. I forward to it either. It has nothing to do with him.”

  always thought there would be build-up, conversations, long, ago-

  “Oh. Trouble at home?” she asked facetiously, sticking out her

  nizing decisions. But instead, I had just gone with it. I had just bottom lip.

  made the decision in the moment and let it happen. In a way, I was

  “Thanks a lot,” I said, with a little more venom than I intended.

  proud of myself that I’d been so bold. But on the other hand, I knew Noelle’s eyes lit with surprise. “Look. If you don’t want your

  it was perhaps not the wisest move in the world. Letting something parents here, you don’t have to have them here. It’s your life. You that big just happen was very unlike me.

  don’t owe them anything.”

  But whenever I thought of Thomas’s hands, his kiss, his scent, I She was wrong. I owed my father everything. But I knew he wasn’t smiled and shivered and wished I was with him again. Alone. In his coming here without my mother. He clung to the idea that we could room in the dark. And that was all I needed to make any misgivings be a normal, happy family. Besides, she would grumble about the fade to the background. Thomas and I had been together. He was

  expense and inconvenience of taking the trip, but the fit she would my first. There was no going back now.

  throw if he tried to come without her would be level five all the And I liked that idea.

  way—even though she didn’t actually want to be here. The depth of Of course, there were a million things to consider now. Should I my mother’s psychosis was staggering.

  get birth control? Could I be the kind of girl who carried condoms

  “I just don’t know how I would tell him . . . ,” I said, thinking

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  aloud, then flushing. Noelle looked at me expectantly. “Never

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?” she replied.

  mind.”

  My mouth was hanging open. “There’s no way I can accept this.”