Before Now

  lips. He’s too far away and covered in shadow. I can’t make out the expression on his face, but his body looks rigid. Frozen. He doesn’t appear happy to see me.

  Kyle touches my elbow, pulling my attention back to him. I blink slowly and allow him to help me in. He closes the door and as he runs around the back of the car, a half smoked cigarette hits the windshield. The burning cherry explodes across the glass as the filter rolls down the hood. I look back up to the fire escape, but Park’s gone.

  18

  Park

  I close the window and stalk out to the living room. Where the fuck is he? I might kill him. I want to.

  I go to the fridge for a beer. I chug it down and go for another when I hear Jessie and Bree. They sound happy and it pisses me off more. Why do they get to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be fucking blissful when I don’t even get a taste?

  “Hey man,” Jessie says as he reaches past me, grabbing out two beers. “Bree wants to watch a movie. You want to hang with us?”

  I clench my jaw and pop the top on my bottle. I glare at him as I take a long drink. He raises his brows and starts to turn away. “Did you do that?” I ask.

  He sighs heavily. “Did I do what, Park?”

  I push out of my slouch and step close to him. “Did you hook Lucy up with that douche bag?”

  “Kyle? He’s cool, man.”

  “Kyle,” I repeat. Even his name is douchey. “Who the fuck is Kyle? Do you know anything about him?”

  Jessie barks out a harsh laugh and rubs his chin. “I’m not in the mood for your shit today.” He turns around and walks away from me like he’s ending the conversation, but I’m not done. I follow him to the living room.

  Bree’s curled up on the couch and he settles in next to her. Something rolls inside of me. I can’t explain it. There’s no name for it. The closest that comes to mind is rage.

  “Is it a date? Are they dating?” I need to know.

  “Jesus, Park,” Bree huffs. “They aren’t getting married. He’s taking her to dinner.”

  I narrow my gaze on her. “Did you set this up?”

  “Yes. I did. I’m sick of seeing her turn down guy after guy because she’s waiting on you to notice her.”

  I notice her. “What guys? What are you talking about?”

  Bree rolls her eyes. “Dudes hit on her all the time. She can’t work a single shift without somebody asking her out. But she says no to all of them. Why? Because she thinks there’s more to you than your drunken, whoring ways.” She shakes her head, glowering at me. “It’s time for her to get out and have some fun. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just dinner.”

  I set my empty bottle down on the table and cross my arms. “Lucy isn’t like you,” I state slowly.

  Bree sits up, dropping her feet to the floor. “What do you mean by that?” Jessie shifts next to her like he’s getting ready to hold her back and it makes me smile. Bring it the fuck on.

  “She doesn’t want to just have fun with guys. She’s not about stringing them along. She wants one guy. You and me, Bree, we’re the same. We’re cool with cheap fun and meaningless sex. But Lucy is better than us. She wants a relationship.”

  “Are you calling me a whore?”

  “Are you a whore?”

  “Park, you need to shut up,” Jessie says firmly. “Don’t talk shit to Bree or I’m going to get pissed.”

  “You should be pissed. You’re in love with this chick and she just keeps yanking your fucking leash. Don’t you wonder who she’s fucking when she isn’t with you? Doesn’t it eat you up inside? Don’t tell me you don’t think about it.”

  Jessie doesn’t say anything. He can’t. He’s pissed off—because he knows I’m right.

  “Shut your mouth,” Bree hisses. “I’m nothing like you, Park.”

  I laugh. I laugh loud and long as she fumes, watching me. “You are exactly like me. That’s why you don’t like me. It’s like looking into a mirror, reminding you every day how screwed up you are.”

  “I don’t like you because you’re hurting my friend.”

  “Ditto,” I say, locking my eyes on hers.

  “What happens between me and Bree is our business,” Jessie utters. “I know you’re mad, but you’re overstepping by miles right now. Lulu wanted to go out with Kyle. That’s it. You can’t blame anybody for it.”

  I look at him hoping my disgust shows on my face. “I can blame you. You and your stupid-ass rules.”

  He closes his eyes and drags his fingers through his hair. “Just go pick up another girl and get this out of your system.”

  I flinch away from his words. I feel sick from the thought. “I don’t want another fucking girl,” I murmur. Bree turns her head quickly to look at me. I shake my head and walk away.

  Fuck this. I’m done.

  ***

  I must have fallen asleep on the landing waiting for Lucy to get home because I open my eyes to her kneeling over me. “You drunk?”

  I rub my face and yawn. “No.”

  “You all right?”

  I almost laugh. “No.”

  She stands up and offers me her hand. “Come on. I need someone to keep me company.” I let her help me up so I can absorb the sensation of her skin against mine.

  I follow her inside thinking how great she looks in that dress and then I remember she was wearing it for another guy. All the earlier jealousy roars to the surface and I try to reel it in, but it’s stirred up too many old feelings. I’m losing the battle quickly.

  “How was your date?” I don’t even bother to hide the disdain in my voice.

  Lucy drops her purse on the coffee table and plops her ass down on the couch. She slips her heels off and sighs. “It was…” She trails off and bites her lip.

  “What?”

  “Boring.”

  I laugh, mostly with relief, and lower myself beside her. “Boring, huh?”

  “It was the most mind-numbingly boring dinner I have ever attended.” She leans back and I do the same. When she turns her head to look at me, I realize she’s wearing make-up. She looks pretty, but it just isn’t her. I like her natural better.

  “You want to know something?” she whispers.

  “What?”

  “From the moment he showed up at my door, I compared him to you. I hated every minute because I just kept reminding myself that he wasn’t who I wanted to be with.”

  My heart skitters around in my chest before beating frantically. “You shouldn’t say things like that to me, Lucy,” I murmur hoarsely.

  She licks her lips and I stifle a moan. “Why not?”

  “Fuck, Lucy.” I sit forward and grab my head. “You’re all puppy paws and kitten whiskers. You’re too damn good and I don’t know what to do with that.”

  “I am so sick of everyone acting like being nice is a bad thing. It doesn’t make me stupid or weak. I’m not some naïve, vanilla, little girl.”

  I turn my head slowly and let my gaze fall over her. “Oh, you’re vanilla, Lucy. Trust me. But that just makes me want to drizzle hot fudge all over your body, and take my damn good time licking it off.”

  “Then why don’t you?”

  Really good question. “I can’t. I promised Jessie I wouldn’t touch you.” I don’t know if I’m explaining it to her or myself. Both. Definitely both.

  She sits up and twists her body to face me. “Is that the only reason?”

  All I can do is nod because I’m just not sure anymore.

  “Then don’t touch me,” she breathes. Her lips press into the hot flesh of my neck and I shudder. She skims her tongue up to my ear. “But I never promised I wouldn’t touch you.” Her mouth covers my earlobe, sucking gently, and my hands twitch at my sides.

  When she knows I have no intention of stopping her, Lucy slides her leg over my thighs until she’s straddling my lap. I pull my hands back, forcing myself not to touch her—even though I want nothing more than to grab her and trace every inch of her body. She works her wa
y over my jaw and stops at my mouth. Her lips hover so close to mine I can nearly feel them.

  I lock my gaze on hers and the storm is back in her eyes, darkening the gray. She lets her nose caress mine, but she doesn’t kiss me. Instead, she rocks her hips against mine and my hands curl into fists. I don’t know how much more I can take.

  “I want you, Park,” she says softly. Her lips brush mine with every word. “All of you.”

  I pull back just enough so I can look at her, read her expression. Fucking beautiful. “Tell me you’re mine,” I demand. “Tell me you belong to me.”

  Her eyes dart over my face. She doesn’t move in any other way, frozen in my lap. “I’m yours, Park—only yours—if you want me.”

  I grab her face and crush my mouth to hers. She gasps, but recovers quickly, opening her mouth, welcoming me. Her fingers lock into my hair, pulling me closer as she glides her hips back and forth. I go instantly hard and it encourages her to keep going. Her tongue explores my mouth and I groan. I need her. Now.

  Running my hands down her back, I grasp her ass and grind into her. She breaks away from the kiss and lets her head fall back with a moan. I take advantage and drag my mouth down her throat. I cup her breast and kiss the golden cleavage peeking out of her dress. And then I decide it’s not enough. I hear the fabric rip as I force it out of the way.

  Lucy doesn’t seem to mind that I ruined her dress. In fact, it seems to give her ideas. She takes hold of my shirt and pushes it up quickly. I lift my arms for her and she flings it over her shoulder. Her hot tongue slides down my chest and she bites at my nipple.

  “My turn,” I say, my voice husky. I slip my hands under her dress and work it off her body. She goes to unhook her bra and I grasp her hands, pulling them up above her head. My fingers smooth the skin down her arms, over her ribs, and then up her back. I unclasp the hooks and she drops her arms, letting me slide the straps off.

  Sitting in my lap, her breasts exposed to me, Lucy shivers as I take a moment to appreciate her. Absolutely gorgeous. I trace her nipple with my thumb before taking it into my mouth. I suck hard, letting my tongue kneed her flesh. She digs her fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck and rocks against me again.

  I release her with a pop. “Right now,” I say roughly. “I need you right now.”

  “My room,” she utters.

  I stand up, bringing her with me. She locks her legs around my hips and kisses my neck. I feel like I can’t get there fast enough as I move toward her open door.

  I lower her to the bed. Her long hair fans out around her. She is so sexy. I slide her panties down her legs. Ah, God. She’s flawless.

  “You sure about this?” I ask quietly. Please say yes.

  Not taking her eyes off me, Lucy nods once. “Positive.”

  19

  Lucy

  I watch Park unbutton his jeans and wonder how I got here. When I woke up this morning, I was miserable, afraid he would never talk to me again. And now I’m in heaven. I wonder if he realizes how big this is for me. There’s nobody else I would take this risk for. I have no idea what this means for us, but I won’t think about that now. I can’t.

  He drops his pants and it doesn’t surprise me that he’s bare beneath. My eyes soak up the sight before me. Every hard plain of his sculpted body. As he lowers himself over me, I realize this is truly happening. Every fantasy I’ve had since I met him is dull and diluted compared to the real thing.

  The warm wetness of his tongue is the most incredible feeling in the world. He takes his time, kissing and sucking at my skin as he travels my body. When he gets to my thighs I tense with anticipation. He circles his hands around my hips and brings me down to meet his mouth. I release his name in a strangled cry.

  Park’s tongue delves deep inside of me before sliding up and flicking across my center. He nibbles and sucks, gentle and rough. The sensations he’s pulling from my body are almost too much to handle. Delicious heat coils low in my stomach, searing a path straight to my core. I rise up, gliding into the rhythmic caress of his mouth. He makes a noise, his lips vibrating against me and that’s it for me. I knot my fingers into his hair as I shake with ecstasy.

  He places one last kiss there and sits back. “This is mine.” His eyes meet mine to verify I understand before his teeth nip at my breast. “This is mine.” He moves to my other breast and flicks his tongue over the nipple. “This is mine.” Next he skims his lips over my mouth. “Mine.” A kiss to my forehead. “Mine.”

  Park lies beside me and pulls me onto him. He grips my ass. “And this is mine.” I rub against him and he sucks in a breath. His hands get lost in my hair as he guides me toward him. “All of you. Mine.”

  He rolls us and leans over the bed. Taking a condom out of his wallet, he tosses it on the bed beside me, and I smooth my hand over the silky smoothness of his erection. He closes his eyes, enjoying my touch. I love touching him, but I can’t take it anymore. I need to know how it feels to have him inside me.

  “Park.” My voice comes out thick, pleading. His eyes meet mine and he holds my gaze in understanding.

  “I got you.”

  Most people say I love you in this situation, whether they mean it or not. Park’s three words mean so much more to me. They’re a promise for right now. No bullshit about the past or the future. Just this moment in time, he’s taking care of me.

  He kisses me softly before positioning the condom. When he moves into me I wrap my legs around him and nearly scream. He starts a slow, smooth motion that has my body begging for more. His hands alternate gripping my hips, caressing my sides, brushing through my hair. His mouth moves from my lips, to my neck, to my breasts. He has this great rhythm that is completely chaotic. An ever changing pattern. It’s such a contradiction and I realize somewhere in the back of my mind—this is Park. A chaotic contradiction.

  He draws his lips over my ear as he says my full name. I feel something building inside, growing, rising higher.

  “Harder,” I plead breathlessly. He complies immediately. I drag my nails across his back and he growls as he nips my neck. I gasp and drop my legs so I can thrust my hips up to meet his.

  Park moans and pushes my hands up beside my head. He interlocks our fingers as he watches me. “Not yet,” he rasps. He frees my hands and pulls my leg over his hip. “I want you to come with me.”

  Oh, shit. If he keeps talking like that I’m not going to make it. I whimper as he slips his arm behind my back, causing me to arch into his waiting lips. He brushes them over my chest and then my neck.

  “Oh, my God. Park. Please.” I don’t know what I’m begging for. All I know is I can’t take a second more. It’s not possible to feel this good. This euphoric.

  “I got you,” he says again as he works his hand between us and his thumb presses down, moving quickly over my sensitive spot. My entire body clenches as I spiral out of control. I cry out his name loudly and he covers my mouth with his. He thrusts into me twice more and shudders with his release.

  We’re both panting as he rolls to the side. He pulls me against him and rubs gentle circles into my back. “I just want you to know, if I end up homeless tomorrow—totally worth it.”

  ***

  I don’t know what I was expecting the morning to bring. I guess not much because when I open my eyes and find Park’s large sleeping form beside me, I’m a mix of shocked, excited, nervous, and extremely scared of the happiness overshadowing it all.

  He stayed.

  I take a shaky breath as I look at his face, peaceful and relaxed in sleep. His lips are parted, his sooty lashes lie on top of sculpted cheek bones, and his dark hair lies untamed from the usual messily styled faux hawk. I want to run my fingers over the tattoo on his arm like I’ve imagined doing since the night I saw it up close in his drunken state. What does it mean to him? I want to trace every black inked line of the words scripted around the dark roses and figure out the significance behind it.

  But I don’t.

  I’m afraid
if I wake him he’ll leave.

  There was a lot of big talk in the heat of the moment about belonging to him, but I don’t know how much of that was true.

  Every word of it was real for me.

  But I can’t be sure about him—no matter how much I want it to be.

  I slip out of my bed slowly, careful not to jostle him, and pad softly to the bathroom. I start the shower while I brush my teeth. My whole body blushes pink as I recall the details of the night before. The way Park’s hands felt when he touched me. His lips. His tongue.

  I sigh, throwing my toothbrush in the holder before I step into the shower. I pull the curtain and let the spray beat down on my head. Standing here alone under the hot water, I come to terms with the fact that it may crush me if Park takes back what he said.

  I want more. A lot more.

  I hear the door open and close softly. The shift in the air chills my skin and goose bumps burst across my arms.

  My stomach tightens as I peek around the shower curtain. Park’s standing in front of the sink in all his naked gloriousness. He cocks his head to the side and grins at me as my eyes soak up every inch of his body.

  “My toothbrush still here?”

  I nod, feeling ridiculously shy, which is ludicrous. It’s a little late for that. “In the medicine cabinet.”

  He finds it quickly and I can’t help staring at him as he does something as normal as brushing away his morning breath—while he’s naked. His eyes drift over to me and he smirks around the plastic in his mouth. With a shake of his head, he spits into the sink and straightens up.

  “Lucy, I’m two seconds away from jumping in there to give you a closer look.”

  Before I can respond, there’s a knock at the door and my eyes go wide. Park’s head swings from me to the door and back. Without a word, he pries the shower curtain out of my hand and steps right in front of me.

  “Um…” I clear my throat and try again. “Yeah?” I call.

  “I need my brush,” Bree yells. “I’m coming in.”

  I shake my head at Park, not knowing how to stop her, and then it’s too late.

  “Jessie went to pick up donuts,” she says. Park’s looking at me with a devious smile and it takes me a second to respond.

  “Oh. Okay,” I say, my voice quivering slightly.

  Park takes a small step, pushing his body into mine and I have to cover my gasp with a cough. One dark eyebrow rises and he trails his hands down my sides.

  “I told him to get coffee too, so don’t make any.”

  “Uh-huh,” I breathe as Park’s hand dips between my legs and his lips brush across my collar bone.

  “You all right?” Bree asks, sounding amused.