He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

  I head back to my desk to find Jackson writing an entire idea down. Damn, I didn’t know he was that smart. I mean boys are never smart, always dumb and do stupid things all the time, but never Jackson. I have never seen him do one dumb thing. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to ruin his reputation, but he never seems to do anything dumb. Damn, it, that makes him even hotter and sexier.

  “Um hi, sorry I just needed to, um, text my mom if I was free after school, which I am.”

  “Great! So, after school I can drive you to my place and we can work on the project.” he says while running his hand through his hair. Why do guys even do that? To look cute? To make their hair nicer? I don’t know but it’s making me choke.

  “Um great, just asking... You know how to drive right? Like actually know how to drive?” I say, looking scared because I don’t want to die just because he wanted to drive me to his house, being the nice gentleman he is. So I had to ask.

  “Yeah don’t worry, I only have been in eight car crashes and in all of them only one person died, but don’t worry, you’re good.”

  “Great... wait what? Please tell me you're kidding me, right? ‘Cause if you’re not, I’m out!!!” I start walking away from him until I feel a tug on my arm. I turn around and it’s Jackson with this sad and funny face meaning that he was just kidding. God Mia! You are so stupid sometimes!!!

  “Um, I was just kidding don’t worry. I have never been in a car crash in my life. You can trust me, please?” Damn he’s so hot, and I guess he is telling me the truth, I think? Whatever, I have to say yes, this opportunity doesn’t come often to girls like me. I mean I am cute, other guys have asked me out before but I turned them down because I don’t need a guy to figure out my life and mess it up. I am no Amanda. I don’t have big boobs that make the guys go crazy. I don’t have a big ass or don’t own clothes that look like they have been taken from a Barbie, but I’m Mia, which makes me awesome, I guess.

  “Yeah, I guess so.” I smile at him, which makes me smile back. Damn he is so hot! He lowers his arm and goes back to his seat. Now I kind of wish he was still grabbing my arm, but who cares! I’m going to Jackson Reed’s house. This is way better.

  The bell rings and I run all the way to Aria’s class and immediately tug on her sweater so we can leave. I don’t want to be late so yeah.

  “Calm down, what’s the big deal?” She says like she doesn’t know what is happening.

  “Seriously? I’m going to be late. Right now is not the time to kid, Aria.” I say while furiously looking at her. This is going to make me late!!! I don’t have time to play charades with her. I don’t need this crap. What I need is to find Jackson so he can take me to his house, for our project, which we are going to do. I hope.

  “Fine, I know. So, you don’t want me to drive you there, right? Jackson is going to pick you up? And is he going to take you home too? If he doesn’t I can pick you up and take you home Mia.”

  “Calm down, sheesh. Don’t worry, I will text you or call you if he doesn’t take me home, and please don’t start acting like my own mother because it’s making me doubt our friendship.” I say while putting my hand over hers.

  I love that she cares about me, but seriously, she needs to calm down because she’s acting like my own mother. I don’t want my best friend to act like the person who gave birth to me.

  “Great. Ooh Mia. Look!!! There he is. Wow he actually looks cute.”

  “Ugh, steal someone else please, not him.”

  “Yeah, yeah, now go. He’s waiting for you!!!” Aria says while pulling me in a tight hug and then grins, which makes me nervous on what she is thinking we are going to do. We are going to do homework. Nothing else.

  “Bye darling!” I say because I love it when we sound like old couples.

  “Bye sweetie, oh and don’t forget! We need to buy bras after and panties so they can match for the party!” OH, MY GOD, did I just hear what she just said? I’m going to kill her, so hard!

  “Um, I…” Oh shit, I’m going to have a panic attack. What could Jackson be thinking now? That I’m a slut? I couldn’t be a slut just for buying bras and panties that match, for a party. Oh god, the party which I need to invite Jackson.

  “Lucky you, maybe I should come just to make sure they fit.” Jackson says, opening the door for me and grinning.

  “Umm yeah no, Aria is um, drunk. She must’ve hit her head or something.”

  “Yeah, I guess so. And um don’t worry, I won’t come to help you try on the um. Well, you know.” He says, looking embarrassed while driving to his house. I’m looking out the window making sure I know where he turns on what streets so I can finally know where he lives, and the direction. His house is not that far from my house. Maybe like ten minutes away? I try to comb down my hair using my fingers. This is just making it worse. I open the sun visor and making sure my hair and makeup is looking good, not crazy. I grab my backpack and open my pencil case cause that’s where I basically keep all my makeup. I take out my mascara and try to put some on my eyelashes so they look more curled. Then I take my shiny lip balm and cover my lips with it. Then I pull the sun visor up and then look at him. Jackson looks at me and I realize that he was staring at me when I was putting on the makeup and fixing my hair.

  “I um, sorry.” He says while coughing and looking straight, not even looking at me anymore. Just straight, not even turning.

  “So, um. Are we almost there yet?” I say, just relieving the tension. I kind of regret agreeing to come to his house, but I kind of like it…and I also don’t. I don’t want a guy to mess up my life. I want to make it to university, I want to become a high school English teacher, I want to do something with my life not let it mess up because of some guy.

  “Yeah, oh and um when we get in, you may want to be careful.”

  “Of what? Do you have a monster in your house or something?” He laughs when I say this. I’m kind of scared though when he told me to be careful when we go in there. I am so regretting this.

  “Uh, no, just, um, a baby sister.”

  “A baby sister? Why is that such a problem? I love babies.”

  “Oh no, she’s not actually a baby. She’s eleven years old. And she may want to like borrow your clothes and ask where you bought them or something.”

  “Is that all? She sounds like any other girl. Don’t worry, she sounds like an angel.” He smiles which makes me warm inside. He is so hot, damn. I mean, like he looks like a model. He has a freaking six-pack! His hair is a dirty brown colour, and his eyes look like mini brownies. He is taller than me but not so tall that he makes me look short. He is so perfect, and I want him to be mine!!!! We arrive at his house, which is big. Like, really big. Is he rich or something? He opens the car door and brings his hand out so I can grab it and like not fall or something. So stupid, yet so cute and sweet.

  “Um, so this is your house?”

  “Um yeah, is it too big?” I laugh and look at the house that looks like a mansion to me.

  “Um, nah. Not that much. But it does look like your house was meant to be a castle.”

  “It’s that big? It doesn't look that big to me. I guess I’m used to it since I’ve lived here my whole life.” I laugh, and he smiles.

  “Well um, it looks very pretty though. For a king and queen.”

  “Yeah I know.” he scratches the back of his head and closes his car door and walks to his house. I follow him and he takes his keys out of his pocket and opens the door. It’s so beautiful. Like everything is so beautiful. It’s all white, with pictures everywhere. He even has a chandelier!!! Like, who does that?

  “Wow.”

  “Um yeah, I told you it’s a little too much.” He says while looking at me and while I’m taking this view. Like wow, this is a lot of furniture. I start following him around the house until I hear this little girl’s voice. I’m guessing it’s his little sister.

  “Jackson!!! Where is my pink tank top?” I hear her voice like ec
hoing through the house. How big is this house? Damn. I soon turn around and see this little girl looking at Jackson, then at me with her big eyes. She grins when she looks at me. She is wearing this pink skirt, pink shirt and pink bracelets all over her arm. There must be over 20 of them. And on her hair, is a bow, a pink bow. I’m guessing her favourite colour is pink.

  “Um hi, I’m Mia, and your name is?” I say while smiling at his little sister. She is cute, kind of like adorable.

  “Hi! My name is Alice, are you Jacky’s girlfriend?”

  “Jacky?” I say because that’s like the cutest name ever.

  “Um yeah, Alice, go in your room. We are going to work on a project.”

  “Hmm really? Cause when you bring girls into your room I don’t think you're doing a project.”

  “Alice!” I laugh so hard and about to like start peeing my pants. I like this girl. I might need to tell Aria that I found a new best friend, who is an eleven-year-old girl who likes the colour pink.

  “What? Have you seen the movies Jacky? The boy brings the girl home and they go upstairs to their room and then the parents hear noise and sounds coming out of the bedroom. I don’t understand the noise but they sound weird. It’s kind of like moaning.” I laugh so hard that I almost fall down.

  “Alice, you need to go to your room, and stop watching those stupid movies, they are not for you!”

  “Hmm sure, that’s what you say.” She says then walks away. Almost like skipping, which looks so cute.

  “Um I um, she’s probably on drugs or something…” Jackson says whispering down and scratching the back of his head. He looks so embarrassed I don’t think what I’m doing and I see my hand on Jackson's shoulder. I am so scared to see his response, but it’s not bad. He just smiles. Which makes me feel better.

  “Um yeah, maybe. So, um where are we going to work on the project? Here?”

  “No, we can go up to my room. If we work here we are not going to get anything done at all. My sister will just come down and bug us.”

  “Are you sure she won’t bug you when we are in her room. She said some interesting stuff about working in the room.” I say while fixing my hair to try to look sexy for him. Ugh, is this how I turned out? A girl who is trying to impress her crush?

  “Nah don’t worry. Plus, I’ll just lock my door so she won’t get in.” He says, smirking.

  This is not making me feel good. I’m in a boy’s house, going into his room. Ugh could this get any worse? How many girls has he brought up there anyway? His sister did say that he always brings girls into his room. I hope he’s not using me like other guys. I follow him upstairs into his room and it’s beautiful. His room is not messy at all; it’s clean and so organized. Either he has like a maid that cleans his room or he does it himself. I place my bag down and as soon as I do, I hear the lock. It makes my heart drop down to my stomach. I don’t even think I’m breathing anymore. I turn to see him looking at me and smiling, but also, I can see the nervousness in his eyes. Thank god, I thought I was the only one nervous, but apparently not.

  “Ok, so where should I place the books?”

  “You can just put them on my bed, and then we can work on it.”

  He wants me to put the books on his bed. This is my best dream ever slash worst nightmare. I take out the books out of my backpack and sit down on the bed. His bed is so comfy, and so soft. It’s like a pillow, or a cloud. I just want to sleep here with him all day, and all night. I tie my hair back in a low bun because I can’t read with my hair in my face. I open the Chemistry book to the page Mr. Davon wants us to learn and take for the project. I look up and see Jackson looking at me, just like when we were in his car.

  Except right now he’s staring hard, like he can’t take his eyes of me. He walks over and sits right next to me. I can’t work like this. I need a good grade, but I also want him to kiss me. I am being so confusing. I think it’s my hormones or something. Screw girl problems.

  “I um, so for the project what do you want to um, do?”

  “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” He says while raising his eyebrows. Ugh, boys. What I want to do is work, but also kiss. Ugh my mind if confusing me, maybe I should call Aria to pick me up. I could tell him I have my period and need to get more pads.

  “Um, well we need to work on the project so we can get a good mark, right?”

  “Yeah, but we could work on it after, I kind of have a good mark right now.”

  “Oh really? What’s your mark, if you mind me asking.”

  “Eighty.” He says it like he’s proud of it or something.

  “Hmm oh really?”

  “Yup, so what’s your mark?”

  “Well mine is much better than yours in fact. It’s much higher.” I smile because it is. I’m acing Chemistry. So, I just really want to yell at him and say I have a ninety-five. Much better than an eighty.

  “Ninety-five. So, ha, now we need to work on this project, because I swear to god if my mark drops just one percent, I will hunt you down myself and kill you.”

  “I’m scared, but wow. You are higher than me.”

  “Duh, what do you think?” I say while smiling at him knowing that I am smarter than him. He is smart. I don’t think he knows that though.

  “I guess we do have to work on the project then, because I need to make it up ninety-five just like you.”

  “Hmm sure. Keep telling yourself that.” He smiles and then moves closer to me and moves his hand all the way to my face and takes a piece of my hair and puts it behind my hair. I really don’t know what’s happening, but if he’s making a move on me, it’s not going to be easy. I’m not going to just hand myself to him, I gotta make it hard. I move away from him and start taking out my phone pretending to text Aria.

  “Um, what are you doing?” He says looking nervous. This is making me want to laugh.

  “Just texting Aria, why?”

  “No, nothing it’s just. Um, aren’t we going to like work on the project?”

  “Yeah, just a sec.” I smirk at him while moving away so he doesn’t think I’m lying because I’m not actually texting Aria. When it comes to texting Aria, she talks for a long time. One time I just texted her to ask what the homework was for tomorrow and she started texting me all this stuff. We stopped at around like one in the morning and I was the one who had to end the call because I needed to sleep. Sometimes it’s so hard to deal with her, but I still love her.

  “Ok done! So, what are we talking about again?”

  “Um, the project?”

  “Oh yeah, I forgot.” I smile at him and then he notices what I’m doing. Damn it. He comes closer to me and starts putting his hand to my face trying to make me budge or something. Well I am so not those girls. I am going to stay like a statue if I have to.

  He comes closer and puts his right hand on my back then lower to my hip. I really don’t like this at all, because I want to like kiss him back or do something but I don’t want to be too easy to get. So what I do is I get up and pull out my elastic out of my hair just to look sexy and then I mess it up. I don’t look at him though. I just take the elastic out and ruffle my hair, then go over to my backpack and try to pretend that I’m looking for something.

  “What are you doing?” he says biting his lip. God, he is so hot.

  “Nothing, just looking for a piece of paper. I had some ideas on it and I want to show you it before we start the project.”

  “Oh. Great.” He says then leans on his wall and looks at me. I swear to god he’s looking at my butt. Guys are so disgusting.

  He says then pats down on his bed telling me that he wants me to sit next to him. And I do. I walk over there and sit down next to him. He comes close to me and puts his arm over me. God, he smells so good. Why the hell do boys smell so good?

  He smells like lavender soap with a touch of cologne.

  “What are you doing?” I say looking at him because I really want to know what his answer
going to be.

  “Nothing, just looking at you. You're so beautiful Mia. Like really beautiful.”

  “Really?” I say like I don't believe it. I just want to hear what he’s going to say. He’s calling me beautiful for god’s sake. I mean come on!

  “Yeah.” He whispers in my ear.

  “You made me crazy in the car when you were fixing your hair and putting on the mascara, and lip balm. God, it made me so crazy.”

  “Um, really?”

  “Yeah, so much.” He says while looking at me while his hand is on my back. How can he like me? I mean, doesn’t he want Amanda Smith or something? Making love with him all night long. I’m not that kind of girl. What if I lose my virginity to him? What if I do it without a condom?? What if I get pregnant? Then I would have to give up my life because I need to raise a kid. Or I would need an abortion but then the kid would die!

  Ok calm down Mia. It’s only a boy. A boy who you wanted so badly for so long. A boy who wants you and called you beautiful. Maybe I should just shut up and listen to what he’s going to say and do.

  “Hmm, but what about Amanda? I mean isn’t she your girlfriend?”

  “Amanda? No. She’s not my girlfriend. Why would you think that?”

  “But, I saw you guys kissing once!”

  “Oh um, you saw that?” He said moving away from me just a little bit for me to see his face. His cheeks get red for some reason. I don’t know why, because I know every guy wants Amanda. It’s not exactly new to me, I already knew. But somehow, he’s getting embarrassed or something.

  Most guys would've been like, yeah, I was with Amanda and it was awesome. Maybe better than you. I mean have you seen her tits? The best things in the world. But with Jackson, it seems like he didn’t want me to know.

  “Um yeah, everyone saw it. Aren’t you guys a couple?”

  “No, we never were a couple. I never wanted her Mia….” He says quietly.

  “I wanted you.”

  “You wanted me?” I say and swallowed hard. He wanted me, and me being a stupid idiot, I never realized it… The good thing is that he wanted me all along. And I wanted him too. Maybe this time, I should show it.

  “Always. Ever since I first saw you in Chemistry. I would see you in the halls and kind of wished I would talk you but I thought you didn’t like me, and then you were like mad at me. I don’t know. I just thought you liked someone else or something.”

  “I actually don’t. I mean I do like someone. Um... I like you.” I say finally to his face. I have liked him since like grade 7 and today is finally the day he knows. He looks at me and then kisses me. The way his lips touch mine. How he smells so good when I lean closer and put my hands around his neck and then my fingers through his hair. He’s hands are everywhere. Like everywhere. He leans closer and deepens the kiss every second. I want to stop but I just can’t.

  He puts his hands under my shirt and closer to my bra strap. I then open my eyes and now wanting to stop. I don’t want to lose my virginity on the first day! I want to know him more and go out with him. We haven’t even been on a first real date. Talk about slutty.

  “Mia you're so beautiful.” He moans while kissing my neck.

  “Jackson, we need to stop until this gets too far.”

  “Oh, I um, shit I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was getting too far. I just wanted to do this since the beginning of high school.”

  “Don’t be sorry, I just…um. We haven’t even been on a date and you were like trying to unclasp my bra.” I say, blushing.

  “I guess this did go too far, didn't it?”

  “Um yeah.”

  “And I didn't even ask you out on a date. My parents would kill me for not acting like a gentleman.”

  “And Aria would kill you for doing this to me. She thinks we’re doing the project.”

  “Yeah. I just want to kiss you all day, though. Who cares about the project?”

  “We have to do the project Jackson, we need a good mark. I mean you need to good mark to catch up to me.” He smiles and touches my cheek then put a piece of my hair over my ear. He is so hot. Damn it! What the hell has happened to me?

  “So, I guess we should to the project then. Then maybe if we finish fast we could I don’t know… kiss?”

  “I’ll consider it.” I smile and then get of his bed to get my books. Then I remember about how Aria wants me to invite Jackson to the party because I owe him for paying my piercing and earring.

  “Hey um, Jackson?” I say, walking to his bed and sitting down close to him, but not too close, so he doesn't jump on me and try to kiss me or anything.

  “Yeah?” He says while running his fingers through his dark brown hair.

  “I forgot to tell you but Aria wants me to invite you to this party that I’m throwing. It’s her way of owing you for paying for my piercing. I was going to pay you back with money but you know Aria, she’s crazy.”

  “You're throwing a party?”

  “Um yeah, you don’t really need to come if you don’t want to. I just thought since we… like… you know...”

  “No I want to come. I really want to come.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. And, I kind of want to think that this could be our date or something. I, um also want to see your house.” He gulps and I see how much it means to him to see my house for some reason.

  I come closer to him and kiss his lips. Very slow, not hard but knowing how much he means to me. He opens his eyes and touches my cheek then touches his forehead to mine. I look at him with such love and he does with me too.

  But I can’t fall in love with him… He deserves someone better, someone who knows what to do with her life. He deserves someone beautiful who has a good body. Not me, I’m nobody but I don’t want to lose him somehow. I want him to love me, but I know how boys are. They make you think that they love you but they don’t. They take advantage of you and then the next day you think they are going to call you or see you but they don’t. That’s what my dad did when I was born. He messed up with my mom then left me, all by myself with only my mother to take care of me. I don’t remember what he looks like but I sure know I got his eyes and his hair. I know that if I ever see him again, I’m going to kick his ass. I didn’t even know that I looked sad and that’s when Jackson looks at me with concern.

  “You ok? You look sad.”

  “Um, yeah I’m good.”

  “Are you sure? You look sad.” He looks at with a frown. He comes closer and touches my hair and puts it behind my ear. God every time he touches me it makes my body shiver with excitement but I’m also scared that I may become like my mother. Young, pregnant and without a father for my kid.

  “Yeah, don’t worry. I’m just tired.” I lie. Then, to make him not sad I come closer and kiss him. I love kissing him, who doesn’t, but I know that Amanda kissed him. I saw, but I’m pushing away that thought because he just feels so damn good. He puts his hands under my shirt and I’m touching his hair with my fingers. He smells so damn good that it makes me want to see him without his shirt on somehow. I just want to take his shirt off, just see him without it for one second but I feel like I’m pushing him or something so I don’t. I tell myself that I need to wait; I don’t need this to get far. But, oh I really want it to….