Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
dumb? Do you think I don’t know what that racket is for?
LOUISE
(Embarrassed)
No, please! I did not mean to…
THELMA
(Straightforward)
What does the ‘Little Racket’ do?
LOUISE
(Confused)
Little racket?
THELMA
Your husband! What does he do, honey?
LOUISE
Oh! He’s... He works with... He...
THELMA
(Scared)
Never mind!
(Giving up)
If it’s that hard telling me, what ‘Little Racket’ does, so I better not know!
(Drinks)
He must be a drug dealer or worse.
(THELMA takes a sip of her cocktail but only a slice of kiwi remains at the bottom of the glass. She gets angry and screams at one of the waiters who happened to be passing by.)
THELMA
Hey, hunky, where’s my caipirinha, or must I wait for the kiwi to ripen first?
(Mumbles to herself)
Faggot!
LOUISE
(Touching thelma slightly on the shoulder)
He isn’t!
THELMA
(Confident of herself)
Of course, he is! He’s a full-fledged faggot!
(Covertly)
By the way, I’m gonna tell you a secret... Most men here are.
LOUISE
I was talking about my husband.
THELMA
(Shrugs)
Well, that’s up to him, isn’t it?
LOUISE
(Trying to be levelheaded)
I mean his job is difficult to explain. That’s what I’m trying to say.
(LOUISE looks around trying to find her friends once more.)
LOUISE
Gee, they vanished for real!
(LOUISE sees a waiter and almost pleads for his attention.)
LOUISE
Waiiiittttterrrrr...
(The waiter walks by ignoring her)
THELMA
No use, honey. This place is way too crowded. You must fight for it!
(Stands up)
What do you want?
LOUISE
(Embarrassed)
What are you having?
THELMA
(Looks at her glass and then at her)
Nothing now. But I intend to take my kiwi caipirinha number six!
LOUISE
I guess I want number six too!
THELMA
This is not MacDonald’s where you ask for a number? To get number six you must take the other five before. Do you want them all at once?
LOUISE
(Laughs at their misunderstanding)
Sure!
(Trying to get it right while thelma gives her a “this girl is crazy” look)
I mean, maybe!
(Getting hold of herself)
One is enough.
THELMA
Hang on!
(THELMA pats her breasts, straightens her hair with her hands, and walks towards a corner of the stage as if crossing a huge crowd, bumping into people and excusing herself. LOUISE observes her movements and tries to find her friends. She stands on a chair and carefully surveys the crowd. Music starts loud again and thelma begins her way back into the scene with a glass in one hand. Her coming back is even funnier. She tries to balance the cocktail above her head while watching every step she takes. louise spots thelma and sits down. thelma hands two glasses to louise who holds them. She is a little confused not knowing which drink is hers. thelma, quickly, straightens her dress, her breasts, and hair, and then grabs one of the glasses from LOUISE’s hands and sits down. Music drops to BG.)
THELMA
Honey, that was some crazy hustle and bustle!
(THELMA takes a long delightful drink of her caipirinha, and then lets out a shriek of joy.)
THELMA
Woohooo! I wanna see some naked men in this dump!
(THELMA turns to louise.)
THELMA
C’mon, tell me.
LOUISE
What?
(LOUISE carefully takes small sips of her caipirinha cocktail, turning the glass slowly, sipping, resting, and sipping a little more, and so on.)
THELMA
(As if obvious)
What’s Little Racket’s job, dear?
(tone)
Are you drunk already?
LOUISE
(Delighted with her cocktail. She can’t take it away from her lips)
What’s in this thing?
THELMA
(Tongue-in-cheek)
Well, honey. It’s a kiwi caipirinha and a mystery. But I trust it’s made with kiwi, a little sugar, and a whole bunch of cachaça that hellish Brazilian alcoholic beverage.
LOUISE
(Taking small sips of her caipirinha)
Brazilian? So it’s imported.
THELMA
Who cares? All I know is that we gringos love it!
LOUISE
(Unable to take the glass away from her lips)
My husband...
THELMA
Is 'Little Racket' a gringo, or he likes caipirinhas?
LOUISE
My husband is an importer-exporter! He deals with external commerce.
THELMA
(Envious)
Uhm! ‘Little Racket’ is important!
(Taking a sip of her cocktail while speaking to herself)
I bet he’s a smuggler...
(Takes a sip and speaks out with pride and anger)
Dullard also deals with external commerce.
LOUISE
(Surprised, she finally stops drinking)
What a coincidence!
THELMA
(Unsurprisingly)
He sells door-to-door.
LOUISE
(Taking a sip again)
I see.
THELMA
(Emphatic)
He sells sex toys.
LOUISE
(Sipping)
Door-to-door?
THELMA
Vibrators, dildos, anal beads, sex dolls, lubes, lingerie, handcuffs, whips, sado masks, French ticklers... He’s got it all. And I’ve tried a few.
LOUISE
(Swallowing hard)
Anal beads?
THELMA
The sado mask.
(LOUISE chokes on her drink. thelma tries to help her. She pats her back and they both burst out laughing. After they recover, LOUISE asks with great interest.)
LOUISE
Where can you buy it?
THELMA
If you want, I can send Dullard to your home.
LOUISE
(A little tipsy, she raises her cocktail glass)
To caipirinha.
THELMA
(Startled she takes the cocktail away from louise)
Are you finished? Already? Did you drink it all at once? Quick like that?
LOUISE
(Standing up a little wobbly)
It’s my turn. Where did you get it? This time, it’s on me!
(THELMA looks off stage and then at Louise, thinking: “She won’t make it,” and then hands her cocktail to louise.)
You better take mine.
(LOUISE accepts the cocktail but thelma clutches her arm before she can drink it.)
THELMA
Slowly! This is no juice!
(Letting go of LOUISE’s arm who takes a sip)
You’re a heavy drinker for a teacher.
LOUISE
(Rectifying)
Educator.
THELMA
(Not caring)
I know! How long have you...?
LOUISE
(Complementing)
Seven years.
THELMA
Have you been married for seven years?
LOUISE
&nb
sp; (Rectifying)
Nope. I’ve been an Educator for seven years.
THELMA
Children?
LOUISE
Five.
THELMA
(Shocked)
Five children!?
LOUISE
(Rectifying)
Nope. I’ve been married for five years!
THELMA
(Thinking it over)
Dullard and I have been together for ten years...
(Heavyhearted)
Ten years is way too long/
LOUISE
(Cutting her off)
A couple.
THELMA
(Agreeing)
Too long for a couple, I agree.
LOUISE
(Rectifying)
I’ve got a couple! Two! Two kids!
THELMA
(Delighted to LOUISE)
Two? How nice!
LOUISE
They are beautiful!
(Handing her glass out to thelma)
Hold this!
(LOUISE reaches into purse, takes her wallet, gets a picture and shows it to thelma)
LOUISE
My kids.
(THELMA takes the photo with her other hand.)
THELMA
How cute!
LOUISE
(Stretching a hand)
Here, let me have it now.
(THELMA gives the photo back.)
LOUISE
(Points to the cocktail glass)
The cocktail.
THELMA
(Hands her the cocktail glass while looking at the picture)
It was a dream of mine! I wanted two kids!
LOUISE
How many do you have?
THELMA
(Hands the photo back)
None.
(THELMA now holds the cocktail glass while LOUISE puts the picture back in her purse.)
THELMA
Dullard doesn’t want kids. He’s afraid that I put on weight and forget all about him. He hates kids. And I also hate/
LOUISE
Kids?
THELMA
(Winking)
No, Dullard!
LOUISE
(Rectifying)
The dullard of your husband.
THELMA
(Aghast)
I can’t get fat, but he has a pot belly this size.
(Shows her)
All because of his beer drinking.
(Waving her head in disapproval)
Who does he think he is for wanting his coffee ready at his request? Who does he think I am to be constantly opening his friends’ beer cans? To think I have no right to get fat! Who does he think he is?
(to LOUISE)
Does your husband hit you?
LOUISE
(Startled)
What? No way! He’s a very sweet man!
THELMA
(Satirical)
I see!
LOUISE
(Still a little startled)
Why do you ask?
THELMA
Your way I guess. You look like someone that craves for a little spanking.
LOUISE
(Vehement)
My husband never laid a hand on me!
THELMA
(Sarcastic)
How come you got pregnant twice then? I get it!
LOUISE
(Excited she stands up)
No. You don’t! There’s no man like my husband! He sends me flowers with romantic cards at work. He showers me with presents. He says he loves me all the time and won’t live without me. He is educated, rich, understanding and he listens to me…
THELMA
(A little startled)
Is he handsome?
LOUISE
(Sits down as if defeated)
He’s handsome.
THELMA
How much handsome?
LOUISE
(Totally crushed, stares at nothing