Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
hiding, she doesn’t know how to react. She looks around still trying to find her friends. thelma notices louise’s distress.)
THELMA
What’s wrong, dear? Did you lose something? I bet it was your virginity!
(THELMA bursts out laughing as if she had delivered a great joke. Judging by LOUISE’s reaction, we know she has a breath reeking of alcohol. She holds a glass of a caipirinha cocktail in one hand.)
LOUISE
(In a private tone)
My friends.
THELMA
(Yells)
What?
LOUISE
(Shouts)
My friends!
THELMA
What about your friends?
LOUISE
(Tries again)
I… Lost...
THELMA
(Misreading)
Oh! That happens! But you can make others! Maybe it was for the better! Women are all vipers! They always want to steal our men!
LOUISE
That’s not it!
THELMA
Of course, it is! Women suck!
LOUISE
I did not lose them! I just lost sight of them! They must be somewhere in the crowd!
THELMA
(Finally figuring it all out)
Oh...!
LOUISE
They’re here for a bachelorette party.
THELMA
I know how that is!
(More interested in the show, turns to the stage)
Come on put that right out!
LOUISE
(Screaming)
I’m here for that!
THELMA
(Watching the show and rocking her body to the rhythm of the music, not showing much interest)
I know!
LOUISE
Otherwise, I’d never come here!
(THELMA stops dancing and turns to LOUISE, She scans her from head to toes, and talks to her disdainfully.)
THELMA
Got it!
(THELMA turns her attention back to the show and continues dancing while pulling stimulating faces at the stripper.)
LOUISE
What did you get?
THELMA
It’s your first time here, isn’t it? It’s natural to be a little embarrassed at first. But the more you come, the more relaxed you get!
(Turns to the show again)
Will you show me that thing or not, dammit?
LOUISE
(Embarrassed, tries to hide her shyness)
That’s not it! I’m not bashful!
THELMA
(Excited by the striptease)
What?
(Back to the show)
Strip! Strip! Strip!
LOUISE
(Louder)
I said I’m not embarrassed!
THELMA
(More excited)
What was that again?
(Back to the show)
Woohooo!
(At this right moment the music stops. Unaware of it louise screams at the top of her lungs.)
LOUISE
(Shouts extremely loud)
I have no shame!
(LOUISE realizes what happened. thelma looks at her in amazement. After a split second, she also shouts out loud.)
THELMA
(Shouts)
Me neither! No hint of shame at all!
(Hugging louise and looking around, as if speaking to other women)
This is my friend!
LOUISE
(Covering her face with her hands)
MY GOD, what a shame!
THELMA
(Still excited by the show, dances to the sound of the ambient music.)
What are you ashamed of, honey? Shame is stealing what you cannot keep!
LOUISE
(Staring at thelma)
It seems you truly like it here!
THELMA
(Tawdry, drinks a little more)
If I like it?
(Take a sip of her cocktail and shouts)
This Club is my church!
LOUISE
(Speechless)
Church?
THELMA
This is where I confess! Every night they put all my demons out!
LOUISE
You seem to be a very happy person!
THELMA
Elated, dear! U-uh!
LOUISE
That’s funny!
THELMA
(Feeling mocked at, she turns aggressive)
What’s funny? Do I look like a clown to you?
LOUISE
(Intimidated)
Sorry. That’s not what I... I just...
THELMA
(Giving louise an elbow)
I’m kidding, silly!
(THELMA bursts out laughing.)
LOUISE
(Still scared, tries to relax)
Oh... A joke...
(LOUISE gives her a yellow smile.)
THELMA
(Still laughing)
Dullard always does that to me!
(THELMA laughs even harder.)
LOUISE
(confused)
Dullard?
THELMA
(looking angry)
My husband the dullard!
(Laughs again)
But what were you gonna say, girl?
LOUISE
(Scared)
Me?
THELMA
Yeah! Has the cat got your tongue? What is funny?
LOUISE
It was nothing!
THELMA
How come, nothing? Now I’m curious!
LOUISE
(Trying to change subject)
Nonsense.
THELMA
(Frowns demanding an answer)
Tell me, dammit!
LOUISE
(Startled)
Okay! I just... I find funny a woman like you coming to a place like this.
THELMA
(Offended)
Do you think I’m not entitled to be here?
LOUISE
(Embarrassed and regretful for speaking her mind)
No! No way!
(Looks around trying to find her friends)
Where the hell have they gone?
(To thelma)
That’s not what I meant!
THELMA
(Intimidating)
Then what is it?
LOUISE
(Trying to make amends)
It’s just that you’re a beautiful woman… Released and independent…
THELMA
(Steps back)
Gee!
(Tone)
You’re not hitting on me, are ya?
LOUISE
(Vehement)
No! Absolutely not!
THELMA
(Loud)
I like men, sweetie!
LOUISE
(Embarrassed)
Please, that’s not what you’re thinking. I also like men!
THELMA
Do you like what?
LOUISE
(Embarrassed)
Men!
THELMA
(At ease)
Okay, we’re even then!
(Giving her an elbow)
Sorry for that, okay? You can never tell, nowadays.
LOUISE
(Embarrassed)
Yup!
THELMA
(Making conversation)
So, is it your first time here?
LOUISE
(Embarrassed)
For that bachelorette party, remember?
THELMA
Are you getting married?
LOUISE
A friend of mine is.
THELMA
(Point at the wedding ring on louise’s finger)
Your husband knows…
LOUISE
Why? He’ll be at the ceremony too.
THELMA
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No, does he know you’re here?
LOUISE
(Realizing)
Oh! This?
THELMA
(Giving a wink)
Got it?
LOUISE
He knows. Of course!
THELMA
(Amused)
So he likes being cheated!
LOUISE
I beg your pardon?
THELMA
Do you cheat on him?
LOUISE
(Vehement)
No! Not at all! No way!
THELMA
(Surprised)
And does he know you’re here? How funny…
LOUISE
To tell you the truth, I never come here. I’m here because of my co-worker’s bachelorette party.
THELMA
(A little scornful)
Do you work?
LOUISE
Educator...
THELMA
(Disdainful)
I see!
LOUISE
Do you have a job?
THELMA
(Surprised)
Me?
(Vehement)
Heck no!
(Puffing her breasts)
My husband cares for me, silly.
(Thinking of her husband)
He thinks home is the place for women. But I prefer the Women’s Club!
(THELMA burst out laughing.)
LOUISE
Do you come here often?
THELMA
Whenever I can! Especially during NFL playoffs and Super Bowl!
LOUISE
(Confused)
Really?
THELMA
Really! He loves football!
LOUISE
He?
THELMA
The dullard, honey. Not me!
LOUISE
Your husband?
THELMA
That one!
(Impatiently screams towards the stage)
What’s up? Aren’t there any more men in this place?
(Yells)
I’m here for naked men, dammit!
(To louise)
These guys are something! They go on these endless intermissions between strippers just so we can drink and eat more than we should!
(Yells as if she spotted a man)
Hey juicy, one more caipirinha! And you can sit on my lap too! Woohooo!
(to louise)
See? That is a real ass, so not Dullard’s…
LOUISE
(Adds)
Your husband!
THELMA
That one! The creep gets loaded with beer at each game…
(Shouts)
Is my cocktail coming or what, dammit?
LOUISE
(Tactful)
So, your husband has no idea you’re here, right?
THELMA
(Surprised)
The dullard?
(Bursts out laughing)
He doesn’t have the faintest idea!
(Another long laugh)
He knows nothing!
(Now angry)
He’s totally unaware of anything else but football!
LOUISE
(Realizing)
And where is the...
(Discreetly)
Dullard?
THELMA
My husband?
(Spiteful)
He’s home watching his game. Can you grasp the irony of it all? While he is there watching a bunch of men running after a ball, his wife is here running after these bunch of men’s balls.
(Burst out laughing. louise ends up laughing at her laugh.)
What about your husband?
LOUISE
Ah! He doesn’t like football!
THELMA
(Disdainful)
Oh! Doesn’t he? Kind of worrisome, isn’t it?
LOUISE
He likes tennis!
THELMA
Got it... The one we play with a racket.
LOUISE
That one.
THELMA
(Stretching her hand)
We haven't even introduced ourselves properly, have we? Nice meeting you, I’m Thelma.
LOUISE
(Shaking her hand)
My pleasure, Louise!
(They go motionless while shaking hands and looking at each other).
THELMA
And what does the ‘Little Racket’ do?
LOUISE
(Using gestures)
Well, you use it to hit the ball and send it to the other side of the net!
THELMA
Do you think I’m