Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
stands up, takes off her shirt displaying her muscles, and when we think she will give it to FLOWER she, throws her clothes on the floor, and embraces her cellmate.)
DEVIL
Are you warm now?
FLOWER
(She can smell Devil’s body odor.)
Do you wear any perfume?
DEVIL
No!
FLOWER
That’s what I thought.
DEVIL
Perfumes are for namby-pambies.
(Silence. They remain embraced for a short instant.)
FLOWER
Devil?
DEVIL
Yes?
FLOWER
I can’t be in prison. I got to run away and try to prove my innocence.
DEVIL
My father has already tried mine. It hurts, you know?
FLOR
Devil, listen to me, you must help me escape!
DEVIL
No one escapes this place alive.
FLOWER
I have a plan!
DEVIL
When you were a child, did you enjoy sitting on your dad’s lap?
FLOWER
I pretend I am not feeling well while you scream for help! Once the warden gets in our cell, you hit her in the back of her head with your dumbbells. I steal the keys from her, take her clothes, and put them on. We can get out of here as if I were the warden transferring a prisoner.
DEVIL
Wow! What is your PhD again?
FLOWER
We can’t waste any more time!
(Flower throws herself on the floor while coiling and groaning in pain.)
DEVIL
(Screams)
Help! Help! She’s dying! She’s having a fit! Help!
(The WARDEN shows up.)
WARDEN
What’s going on?
DEVIL
I dunno! She fell on the floor and began to double up with pain.
(The WARDEN opens the cell door and as she walks to FLOWER, DEVIL overpowers her from behind.)
WARDEN
Let go, you criminals!
FLOWER
Now, I am going to put her clothes on and we can run away!
WARDEN
(Sensual)
Why so hasty? Since we are all going to get naked, why don’t we enjoy the moment a little?
FLOWER
Why not?
DEVIL
Guys... I can’t! I am scared of it.
FLOWER
Well be kind to you, Devil.
(The WARDEN and FLOWER start taking their clothes while touching DEVIL, who fragilely withers with shyness.)
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT LISTS
I love making lists! Lists are an excellent way to get your life going. Thanks to my lists I always know what to do: pay bills; make calls, menstruate... My lists are holy; I follow them as a Jehovah Witness follows the Bible. The difference is that while a Jehovah Witness can’t have a haircut, I’ve gotta have one on every 14th, and always at four in the afternoon. Making lists is also a very good way to keep my future safe. For instance, I already know when my boss will give me a raise. I only hope she is as organized as I am.
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THE HIPPIES
Jimmy Hendrix’s Purple Haze track plays. HEAD, a longhaired woman wearing a headband, bell-bottom pants, a big medallion hanging down to her breasts, a floral shirt, and else, enters the scene smoking a joint that she offers to the audience. She walks on stage and comfortably lays down on the floor beside DANDARA, another hippie girl.
HEAD
Chick, what’s on?
DANDARA
Just floating!
(They kiss each other on the mouth. HEAD offers Dandara a drag of her joint.)
HEAD
Do you want a hit?
DANDARA
Right on, beautiful!
(DANDARA holds the joint and takes what seems to be an endless drag. They salute each other by making a series of hand movements that end with the V sign.)
HEAD
Bunny, the world is getting more and more materialistic, dig it? Brother killing Brother, we got to make a stand against the system.
DANDARA
I suggest a moment of silence for world peace!
HEAD
Right On!
DANDARA
Better yet, let’s puff this ‘doobie’ to oblivion, and at each puff we take, we think about how small time and bourgeois consumer society is.
HEAD
Go for it!
DANDARA
Outtasight!
HEAD
Dig this! Let’s get a fix of acid and meditate the whole day for world disarmament.
DANDARA
Far out!
(Another hippie, ASTRAL, enters the stage - holding a mug - while escorting HALLOW, a woman who is dressed as an executive, sporting a pair of glasses and hair tied up in a knot.)
ASTRAL
Flower children, this is Hello!
HALLOW
Hallow Georgia Ritchtins, law enforcement officer.
DANDARA
Love and Peace!
HEAD
Hooray to justice!
DANDARA
A toke?
ASTRAL
Hello told me that she’s got a very relevant message to pass on to our community.
HALLOW
Actually, the rightful owners of this land have a reintegration warrant. A modern office building will be raised here and you must leave at once!
DANDARA
Hello, I dig your aura is kinda fuzzy!
HALLOW
I beg your pardon?
DANDARA
The powers within your energy field are unbalanced, sister.
HEAD
Sit down here with us, and let the freedom energy flow.
ASTRAL
It is about time we share our daily bread.
HALLOW
Thanks, but I already had lunch.
ASTRAL
Hello, the bread that nourishes our soul, dig it?
DANDARA
Join us!
HEAD
(Takes some pills and paper wrapped drugs from her pocket)
I’ve got lots of kinds of speed and some white snow.
DANDARA
(Takes some drugs from her pocket)
I’ve got LSD, a pint of mescaline, heroin, and sniffing glue.
ASTRAL
(Showing a mug in her hand)
I just made some herbal tea, you know?
HEAD
What about you, Hello?
HALLOW
(Rectifies)
It’s Hallow!
(Embarrassed)
I got nothing. Just some nose drops.
DANDARA
Add it to the stack.
HEAD
Following the examples of Jesus Christ, the first hippie ever, we break our bread together.
ASTRAL
Amen, chicks.
DANDARA
Right on, babe!
HEAD
Groovy, dudette!
(They share all the drugs and use them. They offer some to Hello but she refuses.)
ASTRAL
At least take some tea it will calm you down, Hello.
HALLOW
Hallow! I guess some tea won’t do me any harm.
(HALLOW drinks the tea.)
HALLOW
You must leave this place.
HEAD
Lay back, chick. We’re ready to go on a trip!
HALLOW
I don’t see any of you packing up!
ASTRAL
We’re not tied down to material things, you know?
HEAD
Our journey is right up here.
(Points to her own head.)
It’s a mind-blowing thing!
HALLOW
(Starts feeling high.)
br /> I feel weird.
DANDARA
Are you in? Tomorrow is the day we march to end consumer society and in favor of an alternative one. Everyone stark naked, dig it?
ASTRAL
Right on!
HALLOW
(Freaking out.)
Girls, is the ground rocking?
HEAD
(Laughing)
Nope, it’s the tea kicking in!
ASTRAL
Let it flow, Hello.
HALLOW
What was in that tea?
DANDARA
Only natural stuff, chick.
ASTRAL
Mushrooms and sacred blue Lily.
HALLOW
My God! I feel hot!
(HALLOW starts undressing.)
HEAD
Groovy! Clothes are nothing but breastplates society uses to label and crush our natural beauty.
DANDARA
Let's follow her step and free ourselves from these shackles that fuse us to outdated concepts of the bourgeois consumer society!
HALLOW
You don't understand! This whole community must evade the site now! Or we’ll have to use physical force!
(Lowering her head)
Was that an eagle? Gee, it’s so damn hot!
(HALLOW continues undressing.)
HEAD
The only power that stimulates changes is the power of love.
(Head kisses HALLOW. They all get naked and start kissing and touching each other.)
HALLOW
What’s all this? What’s going on?
(HALLOW starts laughing.)
HEAD
Get in and feel our bodies drift, babe!
DANDARA
Hello, join life’s transmuting energy!
ASTRAL
Sex will set you free, sister!
HEAD
Open your chakras and let the energy in, baby!
HALLOW
But my chakras are all virgin!
DANDARA
Virginity is only a society convention dig it?
(Stark naked, they start singing a hippie song while leaving the stage.)
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT DOGS
Here are two phrases that will doubly upset my husband: "I love my dogs." and "They are my babies." He neither likes dogs nor baby children, let alone puppies. My husband thinks that I over love my puppies. He says I should treat them as dogs, not as people. It’s easy to say that when you are used to handling people as if they were dogs. Well, my puppies have grown a bit older now. They are ‘adolescents’. Anyhow, you know how teens are: rebellious, self-sufficient, and moody. But, when they want to go out, they, at least, use a leash, not my car. My husband can’t accept the idea of a furry animal sleeping beside him, which gets excited with my female friends’ legs, and is forever brushing his pee-pee against something smooth. He does the same, and I've never asked’im to sleep outside.
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RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL HUSBAND
INGRID answers the door; it is ARTHUR, her husband, who arrives after being away for a long time.
INGRID
Oh, my God! Arthur, is it really you?
ARTHUR
Yes, Ingrid. It’s me, Arthur!
INGRID
But it can’t be! Is it truly you, Arthur?
ARTHUR
Yes, dear Ingrid. I, Arthur Hartzenbusch!
INGRID
Arthur Hartzenbusch, my husband?
ARTHUR
How many Arthur