Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.
Hartzenbusch do you know?
INGRID
Indeed, only my husband was Arthur Hartzenbusch. It’s true that once I met another Arthur Hartzenbusch, but his last name was spelled with “sh” at the end, while my husband, Arthur Hartzenbusch, is spelled with “sch”. Are you Arthur Hartzenbusch with “sh” or “sch”?
ARTHUR
Ingrid, I am Arthur Hartzenbusch, your husband, with ‘sch’!
INGRID
Then are you actually Arthur Hartzenbusch, my husband, with “sch”!
ARTHUR
(Losing his patience)
That’s what I’m trying to tell you.
INGRID
But, after all, these years... I thought you were dead!
ARTHUR
No, Ingrid, I’m alive!
INGRID
And fatter too.
ARTHUR
Do you think so?
INGRID
Oh, Arthur, it’s been only ten years but I remember it as if it were a month ago, maybe two. It was a rainy afternoon, Daddy was dead, and all I did was cry… Or laugh. I’m not sure. Maybe I cried and laughed at the same time. I was wearing that black dress you gave me. I hated that dress, but it was the only one I had. And as dad was dead for only a week, I had to wear it. If he had been dead for a month, maybe I could wear the yellow or the lavender one. And because he wasn’t dead for a month but a week… Actually, not a full week, only six days, I had to wear that black dress. True, because I had only that one, it was hard to keep it neat. I had to wash it every night before going to bed so I could wear it again the next day. But daddy was dead, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
(Grave)
Death is the only permanent thing in life!
ARTHUR
But I’m alive, Ingrid!
INGRID
(Rebuking)
I am not finished.
ARTHUR
Sorry.
INGRID
(Dramatic)
I was in our room when you told me you were going out for cigarettes. And I haven’t seen you ever since
(Annoyed)
Where did you go for cigarettes? Couldn’t you by them at the bar down the street? It wouldn’t have taken you ten years to be back.
ARTHUR
But I’m finally home!
INGRID
Did you at least get the cigarettes you wanted?
ARTHUR
What?
INGRID
Those were ten very difficult years for me. You left me alone with three children to raise, a bunch of debts and a German shepherd that ate six pounds of meat a day.
ARTHUR
And where is Rex now?
INGRID
I had to have it killed!
ARTHUR
You had Rex, our dog, killed?!
INGRID
I had no choice. He ate Jr., our youngest son!
ARTHUR
He did what? Oh, my God! How did you let that happen?
INGRID
What did you want me to do? You left me penniless! I couldn’t feed that dog. It was he or our kids! And one day he ate Jr.; the poor thing was starving to death.
ARTHUR
Oh, Christ! My son!
INGRID
I never thought something like that could’ve ever happened. Jr. loved Rex, and Rex must’ve loved our son even more. They used to play together all day long. But I must confess I should’ve paid more attention to it. I made things easier for him. I should’ve separated the two of them on the day Rex tore junior's tiny left hand apart with a bite.
ARTHUR
He tore our own son’s hand apart?
INGRID
He tore the neighbor's son’s hand apart too, but I warned his mother that our dog used to bite and not to let her son play with him. She was such a stubborn woman, besides that, her boy was unbearable.
ARTHUR
Oh, my God! My God!
INGRID
Quit whining! We were lucky! Junior died but we survived. Thinking it all over, I can’t even believe we made it. I was left alone with children to raise and a bunch of debts, your debts; your gambling debts. I forever told you “Arthur Hartzenbusch, you must stop gambling" but you never heed my warnings. Instead, you took our children’s school money and burned it all in gambling, and later told me you would get it all back. But all you did was take our children’s milk money to lose it all again. You even ripped our children’s pig bank off to waste it on poker, the damn poker! But we survived. Your children have grown up, are healthy… Maybe not that healthy, but we’re alive. We have gone through a lot of deprivation and difficulties but in a certain way, I must thank Rex if it weren’t for him…
ARTHUR
But he ate our son up!
INGRID
But we ate him afterwards!
ARTHUR
You ate Rex!
INGRID
Yes, we couldn’t afford to buy any food. If it weren’t for him, we’d have all starved to death. He was a big dog and we managed for a few weeks.
ARTHUR
I can’t believe it!
INGRID
I also find it difficult to believe. Judging by how hungry we were I thought that dog wouldn’t last a day. It was hard. We had to ration, a leg today, another leg on the next, a paw after that, and so on.
ARTHUR
(Cuts her off, disgusted)
My God, I never thought something like that could ever happen.
INGRID
Neither could I. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I lacked nothing. I left everything behind to be with you. I fought my parents, deserted a life of lavishness and comfort because I loved you. When you told me we’d face some difficulties, in the beginning, I never thought that it meant eating a German shepherd up. I wish it had been a dachshund; it at least resembles a sausage.
ARTHUR
Oh, Ingrid, my love, you won’t ever have to eat a German shepherd again! From now on, everything will be different! It’ll be as if we were still honeymooning!
INGRID
(In love)
Honeymooning… Oh, Arthur! I occasionally remember our honeymoon. Those were happy days!
ARTHUR
They certainly were!
INGRID
Except for the fact that you were always drunk. You went out at nightfall, got loaded, and beat me up whenever you were back. It worked like a clock, every day the same thing. I really didn’t mind the beatings but did you have to use a crowbar? You almost got me crippled!
INGRID
Oh, Ingrid, I’m a different man now! I don’t use crowbars anymore.
INGRID
No? What do you use now?
ARTUR
I bought a whip. What do you think?
INGRID
It seems all right.
ARTHUR
Ingrid, honey, now that I’m back, I’ll make you the happiest woman ever. I promise! I’ll make up for all these years I’ve been away. I won’t ever drink or beat you up again.
INGRID
No need to stop the beatings. Just don’t hit me so hard.
ARTHUR
We’ll be the happiest couple ever. I love you, Ingrid!
INGRID
I love you too, Arthur! I just want you to promise one thing.
ARTHUR
Whatever you want, dear!
INGRID
Quit Smoking!
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT WOMEN AS SEX OBJECTS
Being a woman is to work three times more, earn less than half of what she deserves, and yet hear people say she got it all by having sex with the boss.
Men love belittling our accomplishments by limiting everything we are to our body, sex, and seduction power.
"She won the Nobel Prize in Mathematics."
"No wonder, with those round thighs of hers, who wouldn't."
"She was chosen for a sp
atial mission to Mars."
"Have you seen the size of those boobs?"
"She's got a raise."
"Yeah, I heard it was a wonderful blowjob."
It is as if, deep inside, every woman hid her Playboy Bunny core or her Pornstar streak from men.
- “I have a PhD in Quantum Physics, but don't tell anyone, my true identity is: Pamela Anderson.
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SLAVE isaura sado-masO
LIONCEL clumsily trains how to use a whip.
LIONCEL
Work, slave!
(Stops. Thinks. Tries again)
Work, Nigger!
(One more time)
Work, lazy slave!
(Francisc, the farm foreman, enters the stage.)
FOREMAN
Colonel Lioncel, have you called me?
LIONCEL
(Caught by surprise, he runs his fingers through his hair, brandishes the whip awkwardly, and attempts to thicken his voice.)
Umhum! I have, Francisc! Well, how are the slaves doing in my fields?
FOREMAN
Ah, these black folks you know ... They're all lazy! A bunch of rascals! But they work well at the crack of the whip! The important thing is that they bear in mind that you’re their master!
LIONCEL
Umhum! Right. And do they have any complaints?
FOREMAN
These black bastards have no right to complain about anything, no sir! Have you seen a black complaining about anything? They'd better thank you, sir, for giving them a job.
(THE FOREMAN lets a disgusting laugh out. LEONCEL disguises his horror and gives a yellowish smile.)
FOREMAN
I’m kind of good to them, you know… I never give’em what they really deserve. By the way, today I had to teach two black ‘folk’ who were stalling at the crops a lesson and... You know how that is… These soft people… They ended up dead.
LIONCEL
(Shocked)
My God!
FOREMAN
I understand it’s a huge loss, Mr. Lioncel. Some of these ‘black’s’ costing’ a whole lot. But you can rest assured that it won’t affect the harvest. I put the other ‘black’ to work twenty hours daily to compensate for the other two ‘soft’ that died!
LIONCEL
(Sympathetic)
These poor fellows, I mean, these two black scoundrels. Did they have a family, wife, and children? Is there anything we can do for them?
FOREMAN
And do their kind have families, Mr. Lioncel? They are beasts! Of course, they have their offspring as every other animal. Still, I assure you if I hear a peep out of any of’em;