6cndluo (and Other Flash Fiction) Anthology

  They both clambered into the ship. Bip closed the door.

  "What are you two doing on the ship?" asked Sergeant Grimly, "I thought I ordered you to switch your comms off."

  "We have just escaped from the crab bot army by using our brains, well my brains actually."

  "You should have used your pulse weapons instead of your brains. Things can go wrong when you use your brains."

  "Well things went right this time. Any orders Sir?"

  "See if you can use the ship to bypass the electric field."

  "I've already done it once using some dog tags and Bop's weapon, I suppose I could use an anti-phasic grenade."

  "Have you got one?"

  "No, but I'll make it out of?"

  "Cream cheese and marmalade?" wondered Bop.

  "No Bop," said Bip, "that is why you do the fighting and me the thinking. I think those crab bots have made your thinking processes worse than usual. I'll make it out of a stun grenade and one of the anti-phasing shield generators on the ship."

  "Good boy Bip, remind me to give you a commendation when we get back to base," said Grimly, "if it works of course."

  "Have the others found any more air intakes?" inquired Bip.

  "They don't seem to. I'll call then back before they get too far away." He spoke to Battam, Tongs, Ugz and Bugz.

  "Ok you four,

  Get back to the door,

  Bip is going to,

  Even the score."

  "Nice rhyme Sir," said Tongs, "Do you really want us to return or were you joking?"

  "Try not coming back and see," threatened Grimly.

  Before Bip had had had had had, (bash - mental aberration), had been able to take off, he saw a ribbon in the sky.

  ? "What a dress ribbon? What significance does such a small thing have on this story?" elucidated Bip.

  ? "No silly," chided the Author, "a cosmic ribbon, like the one they had in Star Trek Generations."

  ? "Does that mean we will meet Kirk and Guinan? Or even Picard?"

  ? "How much money do you think I have to be able to pay out royalties like that!" baulked the Author. "No just a normally abnormal ribbon matrix that will not take you into the Nexus but somewhere else."

  ? "Aww, tell us where Mr. Author Sir? Please, please, please, please, please?"

  ? The Author did not tell them they, and their ship, just vanished when it was hit by the ribbon.

  They appeared in the fantasy dimension on the road to Scumbleborough where the ice cream vendor was, just after Idunno and Chop had left.

  "Nice vehicle that," said the ice cream vendor, "not a wreck like the last customer's I served."

  "Thanks," said Bip, "by the way where are we?"

  "On the road to Scumbleborough."

  "No. I mean in which dimension are we?"

  "Fantasy?"

  "It doesn't look much like the fantasy dimension to me," thought Bip, "I can't see any elves or dwarves."

  "Can we get an ice cream Bip?" asked bop, "all those electric shocks have made me quite hungry."

  "How are we going to pay for it?" asked Bip.

  "Give him some credits."

  "Do you take credits mate?" Bip enquired of the ice cream vendor.

  "No, only gold coloured coins," replied the vendor.

  "Will you trade something?"

  "What like?"

  "A smoke grenade?"

  "What would I use that for?"

  "Smoking out customers from enclosed spaces like public houses and dens of iniquity."

  "Got anything else?"

  "Emergency rations?"

  "I have enough of my wife's rations thank you very much."

  "What about some dog tags from the war dimension."

  "I am a Second World War aficionado. Let's take a look."

  Bip felt inside his battle armour and retrieved the dog tags. He handed them to the ice cream vendor who scrutinised them carefully. "Ok then," said the vendor, "What do you want?"

  "Two Dream Bars."

  "That's funny; you're the second goblin today to ask me for some of those. Sorry though, they only make then in the science fiction dimension."

  "Well that's where we come from."

  "You'll have to choose something else."

  "Ok," said Bip, "two 99's with all the trimmings."

  "What monkey blood and nuts?"

  "No, chocolate sauce and nuts, and sprinklies if you have them."

  The vendor scooped two ice creams, put two flakes in the top, sprinkled sprinklies and nuts over them then covered them in chocolate sauce. He then handed one to Bip and one to Bop. "Thank you," he said as he picked up the dog tags and hung them on a peg in the van near his medals, badges and other small WWII items collection.

  Just then a glowing portal opened and two interdimensional police people turned up.

  "You're nicked," said Lebil.

  "What!" exclaimed Bip, "What for?"

  "Interdimensional trade, it is a breach of the interdimensional part of the IPP Time Code."

  "Ooh, an interdimensional time criminal who knows the Time code," said Forditz the other IPP time cop.

  "Ok then we'll get you on having more than three personal weapons each," announced Lebil.

  "We only have three each," blurted Bop, "pulse rifle, pulse pistol and a bayonet."

  "What about the smoke grenades?"

  "They're not weapons," remonstrated Bip, "as if you can kill someone with smoke."

  "Smoke and fumes are the biggest killer in house fires," advised Forditz.

  "Alright then the ship," said Lebil, "that looks to be heavily armed to me."

  "But we are not trading that, we are only trading some dog tags from the war dimension for an ice cream," pleaded Bop.

  "And," interjected Bip, "we didn't mean to travel here we were picked up by the ribbon."

  "What like the one from Star Trek Generations?" asked Forditz.

  "That's right. We were brought here against our will."

  "Can we arrest them for that?" inquired Forditz.

  "Not really," replied Lebil, "they were only trading dog tags, and the Author will probably stick them back into their own dimension soon. He probably only did it as a bit of light relief from their desperate situation in the science fiction dimension."

  "Well what are we going to do now?" inquired Forditz.

  "Shall we give them a warning?" suggested Lebil.

  "What about?

  "Casual paradoxes?"

  "Do you think they will get into that situation?"

  "Probably not, they are only minor characters in the main book. They didn't even have names until this piece of serialised flash fiction."

  "Listen to them," said Bop, "they're talking about us like we're not here."

  "Just leave it Bop," warned Bip, "they can send us to precinct 13 as time criminals any time they want to."

  "But we haven't done anything wrong, yet."

  "Let's not take any chances." Bip and Bop finished their ice creams in silence.

  "But why did we turn up here if they weren't causing paradoxes or interdimensional violations?" inquired Forditz.

  "Maybe the Author wanted to do something different. Well never mind, let's buy an ice cream." Lebil looked at the ice cream vendor, "Two Dream Bars please."

  "Uh huh," shook headed the ice cream vendor.

  "Well then two 99s with nuts and chocolate sauce please. Do you take credits?"

  "No."

  Lebil looked through his credit and debit card collection, "Tribelium Plated card?"

  "Cash only, unless of course you have some World War II memorabilia?"

  "I do have a sliver of gold," mentioned Forditz, "for emergencies such as this."

  "Buying ice cream is not an emergency," said Lebil sternly.

  "Well we don't want to break any interdimensional rules now do
we?"

  Bip looked up from eating his ice cream, "That's one thing I never understood, how come you can break the Time Code but we can't?"

  "We only break it in a minor way when we are in pursuit of time criminals," explained Lebil.

  "Or interdimensional infractors," interjected Forditz, "do you say infractors?"

  "Infractionists?" thought Bip.

  "Law breakers we'll say," said Lebil.

  "Could I be a time cop?" asked Bop.

  "We don't have any places at the minute," explained Lebil. "You also mustn't have a time criminal record either." He looked at the Time Resolutions application on his hand held Personal Computer. "I see here that you were cloned in the fantasy dimension, were moved illegally into the science fiction dimension and participated in attacks against legal chocolate manufacturers."

  "Is that bad?"

  "Well it doesn't endear you to the system. Without consulting the main TR program in Xanadu I would have to say, on the face of it, that you have no chance."

  Bop looked at Bip, "Well, you have to try don't you."

  "You know I don't get the Author's sense of humour," said Bip, "he is really tying one leg behind his back and hopping towards his core market of three people."

  "Hopping you say," thought Bop, "I'd say crawling."

  "You can't crawl on one leg," said Bip."

  "You must be able to. If you use both arms and one leg you can crawl."

  "Maybe, anyway?"

  "Who said you couldn't crawl on two arms and one leg?" asked Lebil.

  "Won't me said that guv," quoted Bip of Ian Waller.

  "Anyway let's get you back to the science fiction dimension," said Forditz, "so you don't cause us any more problems."

  "And there might be some ice cream left for us next time we come back!" said Lebil.

  "Get in your ship please," Forditz ordered Bip and Bop.

  "I haven't finished my ice cream yet," moaned Bop, "and I don't want to get stains on the interior upholstery. Sergeant Grimly would kill me and that might cause a paradox that would be your fault."

  "Well hurry up then, the Author said you finished ages ago."

  "When?"

  "He said 'Bip and Bop finished their ice creams in silence'."

  "But he also said 'Bip looked up from eating his ice cream', and that was way after he said we had finished them."

  "I will give you ten seconds to finish it."

  "That's draconian."

  "Ok, I'll give you fifteen seconds to finish it and 5 seconds to make sure you are clean enough not to dirty the upholstery."

  "That's half draconian."

  "15."

  "Alright, alright," said Bop as he began to force down the rest of the ice cream.

  "14."

  "Blubble," blubbled Bop.

  "13."

  "Ooooooer," groaned Bop, "I think I have a brain freeze now. It's a good job I'm not flying the thing that would definitely cramp my style."

  "I'll cramp some handcuffs on you in a minute, now get on the ship."

  Bip and Bop clambered onto the ship, Bop wiping off any ice cream drips with his hankie.

  Forditz attached a time relocation module to the hull of the space fighter, inputted a date, time and dimension and pressed the big red button in the middle. Bip, Bop and the space craft disappeared. A few seconds later the relocation module re-appeared on the floor. Forditz picked it up and put it back into his utility belt. Both IPP cops twiddled dials on their IWT's and also vanished.

  Bip and Bop appeared over the elven listening post. Grimly and the others were fighting for their lives trying to defend themselves against a growing army of crab bots. "Why did we appear here in the sky?" wondered Bip, "I thought we would go back to where the ribbon had taken us from?"

  "Maybe the Author did it for dramatic effect."

  Bip punched a code into the computer. "Can you stop punching me please?" asked the computer.

  "Sorry computer, stress. Can you please fire at all objects moving but not living."

  Streams of phaser fire flowed from all cannons on the space ship. Within seconds all of the closest crab bots were disabled.

  "Bip you fool," yelled Grimly.

  "What's the matter sergeant?"

  "You've blown my legs off!!! I bet you commanded the ship's computer to fire at all objects moving but not living."

  "I might have done." Bip landed the ship and the others clambered aboard. Ugz and Bugz carried Grimly on. Just as the door closed hundreds of crab bots launched themselves at the ship. Four of them managed to cling to the external manifold. Bip fired the ion drive and blasted them off like wind turbines sneezing on a wind farm. The ship took off vertically until they hit the upper atmosphere. Once they had attained the correct altitude Bip turned the interstellar drive on and they seemed to disappear from view as they travelled to the GSM core HQ.

  The goblin space marine headquarters was on the planet of Vextable. It had its own cloning facility as well as barracks, training academies, space ship construction yards and chocolate factory. After they had disembarked and taken Grimly to the hospital they reported to their officer. Colonel Crunch looked at Bip with a steely gaze, "What do you mean you failed in your objective?" We needed to knock out that listening post so that we can mine planetoids and colonise the two main planets in that area."

  "I'm sorry Sir but we did not have the right equipment to do the job."

  "And whose fault is that?"

  "Yours Sir."

  "Oh, well then, we'll have to see that you get properly equipped next time. How is Grimly? You told me he had his legs blown off, again."

  "He is in the hospital now."

  "Is there any thing else to repeat, I mean report?"

  "Yes Sir they have a crab bot security system/army thet they use to attack infantry remotely. These robots can incapacitate us even while in full body armour. There are so many of them that our small but elite fighting troop was nearly overwhelmed and destroyed."

  "Did you say you were elite?"

  "We like to think of ourselves that way."

  "I like to think of myself as a young fit active man, but I am not. I would describe you as the best of a bad batch. You need to get some rest and relaxation now. Dismissed."

  Bip. Bop, Ugz and Bugz visited Sergeant Grimly in the infirmary after he had his new leg replacements.

  "I don't believe it," he moaned, "they've given me one new leg and one second hand one. Not only that but they are different sizes."

  "We can call you Hopalong now," joked Bugz.

  "Or Limpet," said Bop.

  "Or I could throw you off a tall building Bugz and call you Dropalong or break both your hands Bop and call you Limpwrist."

  "Sir," asked Bip.

  "Yes Bip me old chum, the one who rescued us, the one with the commendation for bravery.

  "Are your legs working yet?"

  "They have just detached them for a bit of fine tuning."

  "Then we can call you whatever we like 'cause you can't catch us."

  The four of them ran off as Grimly shouted, "I won't be here for long you know then I'll give you lot what for." He then settled down to eat some grapes and have a little nap.

  The Black Goblin

  High in the sky, planing through the blue cloudless atmosphere, flew the Black Goblin. He was escaping with his haul of $100,000 from the Bank of Vespucci. Just behind him was a black figure, the D'ark Lord. The Black Goblin looked behind and saw D'ark so he landed on a rooftop.

  "What do you want D'ark?" he asked.

  "Your money."

  "But we're in the same evil super hero team."

  "With an accent on the evil," accentuated D'ark.

  "Why don't you rob your own bank?"

  "I don't own a bank."

  "I've been months setting this up."

  "Well it's either your mo
ney or I'll squash you. Take your choice."

  "Will squashing me hurt too much?"

  "Do you want to find out?"

  "You're not that much better than me," said the Black Goblin as he dropped his bag into an air vent then turned to face D'ark.

  The evil Lord had used his super speed to stand face to face with the Goblin. "There's one in the eye for you," said D'ark as he punched the Black Goblin in the eye. "You're a black eyed Black Goblin now."

  The smaller of the two opponents tumbled back 10 feet and was stunned. D'ark started to tear the top off the ventilation system.

  The Black Goblin flew towards D'ark as fast as he could and knocked him into the air vent. "I bet that knocked the wind out of you."

  D'ark struggled but was able to use his incredible super strength (C.O. The Mixer) to bend the structure out of shape so that he could fit down.

  "Uh oh, I think I have knocked him towards his objective." The Black Goblin reached in to grab D'ark's feet.

  "Unhand me you bounder."

  "You Sirrah are the bounder."

  "Let go of my tootsies."

  "Let go of my money."

  D'ark thought for a moment, "Let's split it 50/50."

  "Normally I might agree to that," said the Goblin, "but there seems to be no honour among thieves."

  "You little, pointy eared, genetically cloned, grey skinned, pipsqueak."

  "Now now D'ark, there's no need to be racially insensitive."

  D'ark kicked around, "Try saying that after I have bashed your face in," but the Goblin held him firmly.

  "We seem to be at a bit of an impasse," noted the Goblin, "your extra super powers seem to count for nothing."

  "I can't understand it," thought D'ark, "I have four super powers and you only have two. What are your Achilles' heels again?"

  "I'm not going to remind you."

  "Was flatulence one? That usually goes with flying."

  The Black Goblin kept quiet.

  "Or was one of them bad breath? I know I have bad breath with one of mine."

  "I'm sure if I had bad breath that would be useful information to help you escape with my money. I know yours anyway, they are, cannot tie your shoelaces, bad breath, smelly feet and flatulence."

  "So you've done your homework."

  "What do you need the money for anyway?"

  "I need to buy my super hero drugs. Emperor Imperator has stopped funding me for two of them. He says I'm not worth it."

  "Which two will you lose?"

  "Well, I like flying, so I'm not going to give that up, and I think I'll keep my super strength."