6cndluo (and Other Flash Fiction) Anthology

  "So you'll be like me then. Hey, we should become a duo the Black Lord and the Black Goblin."

  "D'ark Lord, not Black."

  "Change your name."

  "No, you change your name. Mine is my family name."

  "Mine is my race."

  "Are you serious? I have just tried to steal $100,000 off you and you want us to get together as a duo?"

  "If I call myself the Dark Goblin and let you have $25,000 will you do it?"

  "Call yourself D'ark Goblin and give me $50,000 and I'll do it."

  "D'ark and $30,000 and I won't tear your boots off and tickle your tootsies."

  "You can't do that to me. That is a wicked thing to do."

  "I am an anti-hero so I can do things like that."

  "Ok deal," said D'ark as he squirmed in his boots hoping the Goblin wouldn't tickle them.

  The Black (newly renamed) D'ark Goblin lifted D'ark out.

  "Great," said the Author, "you're both called D'ark, how difficult is that now for me to write your conversations."

  D L and DG looked at each other. "Did you hear that DL?" said DG.

  "Yes DG," said DL.

  D'ark pulled the bag of money out.

  "Which D'ark?" asked DG.

  "Look at that," said the Author, "getting confused already."

  "It is quite obvious who pulled the bag out," said DL, "it was me seeing as I nearly had it anyway."

  "I thought this was going to be an equal partnership?" thought DG.

  "Oh no. As if a nobleman would ever have an equal partnership with one of the lower classes."

  "Are you trying to say that because of your so called 'nobility' we will not split our takings 50/50?"

  "70/30."

  "Do you want me to put you down the air vent again?"

  "It may be a tad more difficult now I am standing face to face with two extra super powers and you aren't threatening to tickle my tootsies." Just then DL burped

  "Is that one of your super powers wearing off?"

  "I don't think it is."

  "I can't remember what burping means?"

  "It means I ate a tin of beans before I followed you." DL started to wobble a bit, "I think we had better go," he said as he flew off the roof and nearly hit the floor.

  "If only I had waited another few minutes, his powers would have worn off and I could have kept all the money," rued DG.

  As DL's flying power ran out he landed on the ground. DG landed next to him, "Ran out of steam?" grimaced DG.

  "Can you give me a lift to New Laputa?" inquired DL.

  "It'll cost you."

  "Never mind, I'll get the hover bus."

  "Have you got any change?"

  "Why?"

  "It's just that the cash you have acquired from me is all $100 bills."

  "Oh. I don't suppose they'll change a hundred?"

  "I'll give you a lift for a hundred," offered DG.

  "A hundred, that's daylight robbery!"

  "It has been since the beginning of this story. I am a super criminal after all, the same as you."

  "We're supposed to be partners."

  "50/50?"

  "Alright then."

  DG caught DL up in his arms and flew to New Laputa with him.

  "Good job my invulnerability still works," moaned DL, "you have made my costume chafe."

  "How do you know I am chafing you if you are invulnerable?"

  "I'm guessing."

  "You're gassing as well, I can smell it, have you lost another power?"

  "No, I told you I told you it was the beans. Ouch!"

  "What's the matter?"

  "I can feel the chafing now."

  The Evil League HQ was still in the embassy building of the small South Vespuccian country that Emperor Imperator continued to rule, just. After the battle between the Evil League and the Lawful League and the subsequent arrest of the Emperor and his evil team he had managed to cling onto his dictatorship. Things were difficult with the popular Facebook uprising taking place led by a premiership footballer. The Emperor had used his evil supers to root out ringleaders and had limited the effect of the uprising by friending the whole of the Indian sub-continent.

  DL and DG landed in the Central Plaza and walked into the reception of the embassy.

  "Hello you two," said the receptionist.

  "Hello my dear," smarmed DL.

  "Hi," said DG as he and DL walked into the Evil League lounge. Slime Boy was there as well as the Seamstress and the Squid. DG put his bag on a table.

  "Ooh," said slime Boy, "have you done a job?"

  "Keep your slimy fingers off Slime Boy," said DG.

  "And your slimy eyes as well," snapped DL.

  Slime Boy slinked and slimed away.

  "He makes my skin crawl," said the Seamstress as she sewed some cloth.

  "Sew what? Are you still stitching people up?" asked DG.

  "No I am making a handkerchief case. I've just watched Miss Marple and she had one."

  "Have you sewed my new costume yet?" he inquired.

  The seamstress pulled out a half sewn Black Goblin costume.

  "Oh I need to tell you," said DG, "my initials will now be DG not BG."

  "Aww!" exclaimed the Seamstress, "I did a lovely job of joining the B and G together for the chest logo."

  DL looked at it, "If somebody shot him in the logo it would look like BoG, or with a wonky bullet it could look like BaG."

  "Now it'll look like DoG or DaG," noted the Squid.

  "I'll shoot you in the logo in a minute," said DG as he threatened the squid.

  "Keep your costume on," replied the Squid, "I was only having a joke."

  "Squirt off squink face," jibed DL.

  DG took $30,000 out and gave it to DL, but first he took $100 off the top.

  "Oi," said DL, "you said you'd give me the ride for nothing if we were partners."

  "This is to pay the Seamstress for changing my logo."

  "Pay out of your own money," said DL as he snatched the bill off DG, "you suggested the partnership."

  "What's all this DL/DG stuff the Author is typing?" asked the Seamstress.

  "I am now called the D'ark Goblin," said The D'ark Goblin, "because D'ark Lord and I are now the two dark anti-heroes, the twins of evil, a duo of dastardliness."

  "A pair of twits more like," said the squid as he made for the door.

 

  DL was sitting in a chair by the fire, "Muhauuuur," he half cackled.

  "That's a bit of a pathetic evil laugh," chelped DG.

  "I don't feel very evil today I've had strawberries and cream and watched 'Gone with the Wind'."

  "But you are the epitome of evil, we all look up to you with relation to your sadistic and hell bent nature."

  "I just don't feel like it today, I feel kind of nice inside."

  "Can someone stop feeding him nice things like sugar and spice? He needs some slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails."

  "We could get done by the RSPCA for feeding him puppy dogs tails," said the Seamstress.

  "Does that matter? After all we are evil."

  "On your head be it, I don't want to have to explain to the RSPCA why we have puppies with no tails and an evil lord licking his lips."

  "Ok then we'll feed him some cod liver oil with the slugs and snails."

  "Can't slugs kill him?"

  "Ok snails and cod liver oil."

  "We're out of snails since the French ambassadorial team came."

  "Do you think the cod liver oil will make him get his evil streak back?"

  "I don't know, it might make him grumpy."

  "I can see it now, 'Lord D'ark the master of grumpiness'. It doesn't quite have that ring to it does it."

  The Mixer entered the embassy via the heliport. He went to the office near the meeting room. A queu
e started to form of those anti-heroes who needed to resupply their superhero drugs. The first in was the Squidget.

  "Hello Squidget," said the Mixer, "You are allowed 30 phials of shrinking potion."

  "Fanks," said the Squidget.

  "Lost your th's? That's a side effect of stretchiness isn't it?"

  "Cheeky, vat's how I speak," said the Squidget as he picked up his allowance.

  The Mixer ticked off a box next to the Squidget's name on a clip board.

  The next in was D'ark Goblin, "Hi Doc."

  "You get 30 super strengths and 30 flights."

  "Can I have a couple of invulnerabilities and two super speeds?"

  "That's 20K each," said the Mixer.

  "I only have 70K. Can I owe you 10K?"

  "I tell you what. I am testing a new drug. If you take it and use it I'll give you what you want for 70K."

  "What is the new drug?" inquired DG.

  "It inhibits your evil tendencies."

  "What good is that to me? I am part of the Evil League. I'm supposed to be evil."

  "Take it or leave it."

  "Would it stop me stealing things?"

  "Yes."

  "Would it stop me beating people up?"

  "Yes."

  "Well where's all the fun going to go if I can't nick things and beat people up?"

  "It's only for 24 hours, I'm sure you can go for 24 hours without stealing anything or beating anybody up."

  "Oh, I suppose so."

  "You need to take it now so I can see how you change."

  "What! Can't I just do a quick bit of armed robbery with grievous bodily harm?"

  "Just drink it." The Mixer gave the D'ark Goblin a shimmering blue phial.

  "Blue eh," noted DG, "mine are usually shimmering green ones." He opened his mouth and knocked it back. "Oh I forgot to ask, what's the Achilles' heel?"

  "Forgetfulness."

  "What did I just ask you?" The D'ark Goblin started to leave the office.

  "Hang on," said the Mixer, "take these with you." He handed a box of phials to the D'ark Goblin.

  Lord D'ark was next in line, "What good is that anti-evil potion if he can't remember anything?"

  "It is based on a recipe stolen from the government. I need to see if he remembers anything afterwards. If it is selective memory loss and he can still function without behaving in an evil way then it's worth keeping in stock for those criminals who wish to stay on the straight and narrow."

  "I was on the Straight and Narrow once."

  "Really?"

  "Yes it's a pub near London, I was fixing the roof."

  DG walked into the garden area in the plaza and started to give money to passersby.

  "What are you doing?" asked DL.

  "Helping the needy," he replied.

  "You should be helping the greedy, like me and the Emperor."

  A scruffy looking man came up to DG, "Any spare change Guv?"

  DG gave him a $100 note.

  "Thanks Chief," said the man who shuffled away to the hot dog stand.

  Seen on the horizon was a streak of light that sped through the sky and landed next to DL and DG. "Whoa!" exclaimed DL, "Who are you?"

  "I am the Light Man, I fight evil with my light."

  "I think you could fight evil by giving us a fright."

  "I know you D'ark, you look to be up to one of your nefarious schemes again."

  "Well actually?"

  "Let's fight!"

  "Well actually, my new partner is giving away money to passersby."

  "Fight the light."

  "Did you hear what I said?"

  Light punched D'ark on the chin and knocked him down. "That was easier than I thought," he thought.

  "It would be," replied the Dark Lord, "I haven't taken my super powers yet." Quickly D'ark sipped three of his phials, "Now Light Man prepare to have your lights knocked out."

  "Oh very good," said Light Man, "nice wordplay."

  "You shouldn't fight," said DG, "that is evil."

  "I fight evil," said Light Man, "that's good."

  "Violence breeds violence."

  "Are you saying that you lot are only evil because we beat you up when we arrest you?"

  "Yup."

  "But you evil lot always beat people up when you rob them we are just paying you back."

  "Can we get on with the fight please," said Lord D'ark, "don't want to waste my super powers arguing. Who wants to pay out 60k just to argue?"

  "Argument Man?" suggested DG.

  "Take that you miscreant," shouted Light as he tried to punch D'ark again, but this time D'ark sidestepped using his super speed.

  "Hah, I am faster than Light!" hahed DL.

  "You must be a neutrino then," quipped the D'ark Goblin.

  "That isn't proven yet, there may be a skewing of the results," said Light.

  "You have a skewed attitude towards me, I'm not evil," explained DG.

  "Join me then and we will defeat the Dark Lord."

  "Ok, but I won't hit him, that's evil."

  "If you join him DG the partnership is off," said DL.

  "That means I'll be able to change my name to Light Goblin."

  "Too many name changes spoil the plot," said the Dark Lord as he threw a wobbly.

  Light skipped around like Mohammed Ali.

  "Been watching 'Ali' Have we?" asked D'ark.

  "'Floats Like a Butterfly, Stings Like a Bee'," corrected Light.

  "Smells like a buffalo, sings like a flea more like. Is that one of your Achilles heels, BO?"

  Light smelled his armpit, giving Lord D'ark the chance to punch him in the stomach. There was a clunking sound. "Sounds like a girdle."

  "Is that a hurdle?" rhymed the D'ark Goblin.

  "You cannot just make up random rhymes," vociferated DL, "have you decided whose side you are on yet?"

  "I shall remain neutral like Switzerland did in the war."

  "They ended up with all the Nazi gold."

  "You will end up in a Nazi toehold in a minute," threatened Light as he grabbed for D'ark's legs.

  Lord D'ark hopped away from Light, "What's a Nazi toehold? I think you just made that up."

  "You could have a Herman Goering bear hug," suggested DG, "or a Rudolph Hess dress."

  The Dark Lord blocked two of Light's punches, "I think that goodness potion has the added side effect of stupidity. As if a Rudolph Hess dress is a wrestling move, or would ever be one."

  "The Nazis were as evil as you are," announced Light.

  "Why thank you," thanked DL, "I'm pleased you noticed. I had thought my PR campaign didn't quite bring that across."

  Lord D'ark kicked Light where the sun don't shine. "What a colourful turn of phrase the Author is using," Light said after he heard the Author's description.

  Light flew back about 100 feet and tried a flying punch.

  "What a fool this 'hero' is," derided D'ark as he jumped on a parked hover car and out of harms way. "I think I may have to take my flying potion. Then we can do a Matrix."

  "The bit in the subway with the guns?" asked DG.

  "No potioned fool, the fight with Agent Smith in the second film," he said as he sipped his flying potion, "what an expensive day this has been."

  Light ran up to DL really fast and tried a flurry of punches, DL tried to do a Neo with one hand, but some of the punches got through.

  "I think you need martial arts lessons," shouted DG.

  "I think..." thought DL out loud just as Light brought an uppercut to his jaw, he went up in the air 10 feet and stayed there. He shook his head, "Good, I can fly."

  "So can I," boomed Light as he flew up to Lord D'ark.

  A crowd started to gather to watch the proceedings. "Light, Light, Light," they shouted.

  "You see that's the thing about being evil," sai
d Lord D'ark, "the general public don't get behind you."

  "Unless they want to push you off a cliff," smirked DG.

  "This isn't fair really," said DL, "I hadn't actually committed a crime." Glancing at the Dark Goblin he said, "It was you being a goody two shoes and giving out stolen money."

  "What!" said Light, "the Black Goblin was giving out stolen money?"

  "D'ark Goblin," corrected DG.

  "Well that puts a different light on it," said Light.

  "That's a good one Light puts a different light on it," burbled DG.

  Light Man turned his attention to the D'ark Goblin, "Come on the Black Goblin."

  "What?"

  "I am going to fight you instead."

  "But I don't want to fight."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes, violence breeds violence."

  "Ok, come with me then."

  "Where?"

  "To jail."

  "Ok."

  The Dark Lord shook his head in disbelief.

  "Can you fly?" Light asked the Goblin.

  "Yes I have a few hours of flying time left."

  "Come fly with me."

  They both flew away to the strains of 'Come Fly With Me' sung by Frank Sinatra.

  The Dark Lord brushed himself down and went back into the Evil League's embassy building. "All that fighting has given me an appetite. I think I need something to eat."

  "Why are you hungry?" asked Slime Boy, "you've just had a knuckle sandwich."

  The New Laputa central police station was a gleaming glass steel and concrete superstructure. For such an impressive new building there was not a lot of crime that had to be dealt with by the police, they usually mopped up after the superheroes had done their job. Light Man escorted the D'ark Goblin in through the front door. A desk sergeant was there drinking a cup of coffee.

  ? "What can I do for you Light Man?" asked the sergeant.

  ? "I have a criminal for you. He was handing out stolen money," replied Light.

  ? "Thank you, we'll take it from here." The sergeant brought up a new form on his PC. "Now then Sir what is your name?"

  ? "D'ark Goblin."

  ? "No Sir, your real name."

  "The Black Goblin."

  "No Sir, your real, real name. You know, goblins usually have names like Crushbug or Boombounce."

  "Bertram Ginster."

  "That doesn't sound like a goblin name."

  "My mother liked reading Jane Eyre and changed our names by deed poll."

  "What were you before you were Ginster?"

  "Furtlesplat."

  "I can see why she changed the name."

  "She changed my first name as well so I wasn't bullied by other kids."

  "What was that?"

  "Floppy."

  "Floppy Furtlesplat, I see what you mean." The sergeant called for help. Another officer came through. "Can you help Mr. Ginster through the processing process please?"