Loving

  “Bailey, I don’t know.” He stood and took a few steps toward her.

  “Don’t, Cody.” She held up her hand and shook her head. “I understand. We weren’t right for each other. I agree with that. But please … don’t say it.”

  The tears were his this time. He came to her, and though with everything in her she wanted to turn away from him, she could not. Instead she let him take her slowly in his arms and rock her the way her mother had earlier that morning. “I’m sorry, Bailey.” He whispered the words in her hair. “If you only knew.”

  She sniffed and eased back enough to see him. Really see the hurt in his eyes. “If I only knew what?”

  “How much … I still care about you.” His tears fell onto his face, but he didn’t blink, didn’t look away. “I’ve missed you. But I haven’t …” He dragged the back of his hand across his face, roughly, clearly angry at himself. “I haven’t known what to say, or how to say it. You and Brandon apart from each other … you being back here in Bloomington just as I’m leaving.”

  Bailey bit her lip, willing herself to find control. “Timing has never been our strong suit.”

  “No.” The ocean of sadness remained in his eyes. “It never has.”

  “And now …” A rush of tears gathered in her throat, but she fought them. She searched his face and for a while she let the sad reality of missed chances and regret have their way. “Now you’re friends with Andi and it’s only a matter of time until —”

  “Bailey —”

  “Shhh.” She put her finger to his lips and shook her head. “Don’t say it. I know you. Remember, Cody? I always knew you.”

  He didn’t try to argue. “Better than I knew myself, sometimes.”

  “Yes.” She let herself get lost in his eyes, in the realness of him here with her on the path around Lake Monroe. His eyes were dry now, but he was still giving her a hundred apologies with the hurt in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Bailey. For all of it, for every time I ran and didn’t get your feelings right.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  Gradually, like the sunrise after a particularly dark night, Bailey felt herself finding balance again. She took a step back from him. “It’s okay. Really. It’s the high school girl that still lives in here,” she put her hand over her heart. “She’s the one crying. When I have time, when I think it through, I’ll be happy for you, Cody. Really.”

  “Which is one more thing I have to tell you.” His eyes looked damp again. “Please, Bailey … call Brandon.”

  If her shock wasn’t already great enough, this time Cody’s words nearly pushed her over the edge. “What?”

  “I mean it.” Fresh pain darkened his expression. Obviously it was as hard for him to tell her to call Brandon as it was for her to hear about Andi. “You ran from him. That’s what happened, isn’t it?”

  He still knew her, still could look into her eyes and see the truth no matter how badly she didn’t want him to see it. Her sorrow was such that she couldn’t speak, so she just nodded, her eyes locked on his. She had run, definitely. Cody was right.

  “Bailey … learn from me.” He sniffed, and a level of calm came over him. “When I was in New York … when I saw your show for the first time and you told me he’d been there every night, I knew. I never loved you like that. I wanted to, but I didn’t.” He took a slight step back, too, and rubbed his neck again, clearly distraught at the admission. When he looked up again anger mixed with the pain of his sadness. “I did it all wrong, Bailey. But Brandon did it all right. When you walked away that night, I stayed.” He took her hand and squeezed it lightly before releasing it. “I watched how he looked at you and took your hand and protected you from the crowd and the paparazzi.” Cody stopped and let the sorrow wash over him for a painful moment. “He loves you, Bailey. Like I could never love you, he loves you. Don’t run from that.”

  The idea that Cody Coleman was telling her this was more than Bailey could take. Not because she wanted Cody. But because he was right. She loved Brandon with everything inside her, and she’d done the same thing to him that Cody had done to her all those times.

  She had run.

  Her tears came in waves and she thought she might collapse here on the high hillside overlooking Lake Monroe. Instead she went to Cody one more time and clung to him, held him like her survival depended on it. They’d been through so much together. The missed moments and lost communication, the aching rejection he’d always managed to bring into her life. And now this — his determination to send her back into the arms of Brandon Paul.

  “You’re wrong, Cody …” She took gentle hold of his shoulders and smiled straight to his soul. “You do love me. Otherwise you couldn’t … have told me that.”

  He put his hand alongside her face and with his thumb he caught a few of her stray tears. “I have one more thing. Something I’ve been praying about all week.”

  Whatever it was, Bailey could see that this part mattered maybe most of all. Because the look on his face was the same one he’d had when he left her that summer before her senior year. When he headed off to Iraq. She waited, unable to find a voice in the sea of emotion.

  “I want to be your friend again.” The desperate fear and hope in his face told her his heart was breaking, that this was not a statement like he’d made the last time they were together. Back when it was a matter of being in love or being just friends. Cody didn’t have to explain what he meant. He wanted her friendship. For real.

  She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her face, trying desperately to quiet the teenager inside her, the one that saw this as the greatest ending of all. Finally, when her nose was so stuffy she could only breathe out of her mouth, she wiped her eyes and stared at him. “How would that look? How do we find that place and really mean it?”

  “We talk. We text. You find your way back to Brandon and maybe one day when you’re in LA we can all four get together and feel okay about it.” The meaning in his voice grew. “Because no one can take away the history between us.” He hesitated. “And just because all love is not the same, that doesn’t make it less than love.” He sniffed. “Right?”

  His heart was breaking; she could feel it as clearly as it was happening inside herself. Because the reality played like a movie in her mind. No matter what they wished, time would have the final say. Once Cody was in love with Andi — if that’s where God was leading him — there would rightfully be few times when it would make sense to talk or text. They would have their separate lives.

  A friendship wouldn’t be practical.

  But they didn’t have to say so right now. A greater calm filled her heart and spread through her body. She took his hands in hers and found a smile despite the tears still on her cheeks. “Right. It doesn’t make it less than love.”

  They hugged again and without saying a word, Cody took her hand and led her back down the path to the car. They needed no conversation. Not then and not as he drove her home and dropped her off. It was like her mother had said. Maybe this wasn’t the answer she had expected. But it was part of the puzzle. A door that wasn’t only closed, but locked. And despite the rush of emotion, and the heartache his words had brought, deep down she knew Cody was right. Right to take the job in California and right to pursue Andi Ellison.

  Right that she needed to find Brandon.

  When they reached her house, she leaned in and gave him a hug. “I’ll call Andi when I get inside.”

  Cody looked relieved. “Thank you.” He searched her eyes. “You’re always with me, Bailey.” He pressed his fist to the place over his heart. “Right here. No matter how far.”

  Again she fought to keep herself from crying. “And you’ll be with me. The same way.” She leaned in and whispered close to his cheek. “Go find your future, Cody. The good plans God has for you.” Then, without looking back, she stepped out, shut the door behind her, and ran lightly up the steps and through the front door.

  If she didn’t call Andi now, she might not do it. She’d find a way to b
e mad at her friend, as if Andi had sabotaged Bailey and Cody from the beginning and had always planned to wind up with Bailey’s guy. But it wasn’t that way, and Bailey begged God that the truth might stand tall in her heart. If this was the direction God was leading Andi, how could Bailey feel anything but happy for her.

  She could’ve told me. The voice echoed back as she walked to the guest room to make the call. We talked three times this month and she never said a word. Again she fought for truth. Andi hadn’t told her because Cody wanted to be the first to bring it up. And Cody hadn’t been able to find the words or the will to do so until this morning.

  Calm, Bailey … be calm. Show grace the way God shows it to you.

  She breathed out and waited until she had a greater grip on her emotions. Then she called up Andi’s number and hit the send button. On the third ring Andi answered.

  “Hello?”

  Did she sound nervous? Bailey tried not to think about it. She closed her eyes tight. “Hey … it’s Bailey.”

  “Hi.” A strange silence blared across the phone lines. Andi broke it first. “You talked to Cody.”

  “Yes.” She didn’t open her eyes. Please, Lord … give me the right words, the right heart. “I was … sort of shocked.”

  “I know. I told him to tell you a long time ago.” She sounded troubled. “I’m sorry, Bailey. It’s not like I was trying to hide anything. We’re just friends.”

  Not for long, Bailey wanted to say. She remembered something her mother had always told them growing up.

  When Christ is in you, your life will bear the fruit of the Spirit. Love … joy … peace … patience … goodness … kindness —

  The list played out in her mind and soul. “He likes you, Andi.” She smiled, forcing her heart to go along with her decision to be happy for her friend. “He told me.”

  This time Andi was without words.

  The news couldn’t have come as a complete surprise to her. Bailey kept praying, kept seeking the right attitude. “I can’t talk long right now, but … I want you to know you have my blessing, Andi. If the two of you get together, then I will be the first one cheering.” She couldn’t stop the new tears that slid down her cheeks. “From the sidelines. I’ll be cheering. I promise.”

  “I never saw this coming.” Andi’s kind tone brought healing to the fresh hurt in Bailey’s heart. “Please, don’t let this come between us.”

  “It won’t.” She closed her eyes again. “You’re one of my best friends, Andi. You always will be.”

  “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Bailey.” There wasn’t much more to say. “Thank you … for calling. For everything.”

  For giving her blessing. That’s what Andi meant, and Bailey was okay with the fact that her friend struggled to say the words. No matter how they defined this conversation in years to come, it would always stand as just that: the time when Bailey gave her blessing for Andi to fall in love with Cody Coleman.

  The call ended and Bailey opened her eyes. And there — like she’d always been, for all her life — stood her mom. The way she had always been there in hard times. There with that innate sense of knowing exactly when Bailey’s world was falling apart. Bailey stood and without a word, her mother took her in her arms and soothed her hand along her hair and her back. “It’ll be okay, Bailey. It will.”

  “I know.” She felt tears in her eyes again, and she closed her eyes. But even then she felt a sense of hope. God had given her this bond with her mom, and now — despite all the pain and shock and heartache the day had already brought — Bailey knew she would survive this. With her faith and her mom, she would get through it. Which meant there was just one thing left to do.

  She had to find a way to reach Brandon.

  Fourteen

  EVEN WHEN HE WASN’T FILMING, BRANDON LIKED GETTING around on his horse. The paint was a trained actor, but in the lonely hours when it was just the two of them, the animal had become his friend. Eight weeks out on the Montana plains had made Brandon wonder if he would ever fit in again once he returned to Los Angeles.

  At first he hadn’t been able to get past the lack of connection with the outside world. But after a while, he found a different sort of communication. The ability to talk to God at a deeper level and analyze where he had come from and where he was going in a way that he couldn’t in the noise and pace of Hollywood. The open ranchland had turned out to be just what he needed.

  Especially in light of the situation with Bailey.

  They had one more week left on set, making the entire shoot almost nine weeks. May had been the stormiest one on record, and they’d lost far more days than they had anticipated. Brandon’s agent had already assured him he’d be paid for the overtime — not that Brandon worried about that. He had more money than he could ever spend. The weather was only God’s way of telling him he wasn’t ready to go home yet.

  He rode the horse to the arena and slowed him down, cooling him off and patting his neck as they walked. For once the sky overhead was clear and before he knew what was happening Molly rode up on her horse and fell in alongside him. “Hey … good day. The scenes, I mean.”

  Something about Molly had grown on him. Not that he had romantic feelings for her. But she had long since stopped playing the vixen and had instead become intrigued with his faith. Especially since the time when he prayed for her. Before they were finished with the shoot, he planned to ask her what she thought about Jesus.

  She was quiet, so he glanced in her direction and saw tears on her cheeks. Maybe this was that time. He slowed his horse. “What’s wrong?”

  “I wasn’t going to tell anyone.” She brought her horse to a stop and held tight to the reins. Her eyes wouldn’t meet his for several seconds. When she looked up there was a sense that in all the world he was the only person she could trust this with. Whatever it was. “I talked to my parents a few minutes ago.” She wiped at her tears. “They filed for divorce.” She bit her lip, beyond sad. “They’ve been fighting for a long time.”

  Brandon couldn’t exactly hug her from atop the horse. But then, Molly needed his faith more than his arms. He waited, allowing the gravity of her pain. He took a slow breath and prayed for the right words. “My parents and I haven’t talked in years. They … they didn’t like that I was an actor. I’m not even sure if they’re together.”

  She stared at him. “Brandon!” The surprise and hurt in her voice caught him off guard. “That’s terrible.”

  He didn’t want to tell her how his father thought he was gay because he liked acting. Only Bailey knew about that. Still, how shallow his faith must look to Molly now. If he couldn’t even reach out to his own parents.

  God, I think I just blew it …

  But the answer that came breathed new hope into his heart.

  My strength is made perfect in your weakness. Never forget that, my son.

  “I know.” He looked at her. “It is terrible.” He waited, choosing his words carefully. “I have a long way to go in my faith. There’s always something God’s working on. My parents … the healing we need. Maybe that’s next.”

  “It should be.” Molly’s expression eased. “You at least have to know how they’re doing.” She turned her gaze to the distant mountains. “The idea of my parents living in separate houses … it makes me feel like I don’t have a home to go back to.” Her eyes glistened again, but she was doing her best to keep control of her emotions. “You know?”

  “I do.” He thought about the scenes they’d run that day. “The Grangers … that’s how love’s supposed to look. For all of us.”

  “But it doesn’t.” She was quiet, and he could sense a question forming in her soul. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Why would God let bad guys kill a couple like the Grangers? People who could’ve spent another forty years showing the world what love looked like?”

  He might not have the exact answer, but this was something he had studied even in the last
few weeks out here in the wide-open spaces. Here where so often Brandon felt it was just God and him, getting closer every day. “This is earth, Molly. Jesus promised we’d have trouble on earth.” He sighed, hating the reality of that truth. “But He also promises that He has overcome the world.”

  His answer seemed to speak straight to her, because she let her guard down a little more, and a tear fell onto her horse’s mane. “What about you and Bailey? You love her … you both have your faith. Why didn’t that work?”

  His answer was something God had laid on his heart recently. A reality he couldn’t deny. “A few months ago I asked God to test me.” He allowed a sad laugh. “I sat on the beach in front of my house and told Him I was ready. I didn’t want to be a new Christian all my life. I wanted to put my faith to the test and let God grow me up. So that I could be the leader Bailey needed me to be. And even as I finished the prayer, I could feel Him telling me it would happen. The test would come.”

  Molly listened, thoughtful. “So … you think that’s what this is? God’s growing you stronger, so that one day … one day you’ll get back together?”

  “I can’t speak for Bailey.” He didn’t show his frustration over the fact. “Cell service has been terrible, obviously. But I can say this. I’m out here surrounded by miles of open ranchland and every day, every hour, I feel myself getting closer to God. Even if He doesn’t bring Bailey back to me, He’s still enough. I never felt like that about my faith before.”

  “So it’s working. He’s growing you stronger.”

  “He is.”

  She managed a wary smile for the first time since she approached him. “Strong enough to call your parents?”

  “Okay, yes.” He liked her spunk. “Maybe even that strong.”

  The cast and crew had kept their distance throughout their conversation. Something Brandon appreciated. But now Molly’s smile faded slowly, and a seriousness filled her expression. “Remember that time when I fell off my horse and you prayed for me?”