Fear To Live For
CHAPTER 3
One month ago from today
“Yo, Andy! How ya doing man? Coming to the party to Mindy’s tonight? Kylie will be there.” That’s the greeting I get as soon as I enter the high school. Kevin and I, along with other guys and girls, are now THE seniors. We practically rule the high school.
Kevin is, as usual, extremely excited about a party. And this party is at Mindy’s, whose house is just a room short of mansion, so he is extra excited. Like any other party, booze and illegal stuff will flow freely until three, when Mindy revives her strict tyrant self and makes the last conscious party-people clean up the mess made. No one opposes, especially after the emergency hospital run that last guy, Jimmy, made after he made the mistake to protest with a lousy excuse.
In short, if you want fun at Mindy’s, be prepared for potential consequences.
It is totally awesome to go to though. I try to never miss one of hers even if it means sneaking out. They are the prime spots for the school’s social drama as often committed people end up with other committed people and drunks are so entertaining that the stomach hurts. Sneaking out isn’t hard either. Dad sleeps so deeply that I could run a bulldozer through the rest of the house and he might not wake up. But God protect the one who screams fire just for fun near his sleeping form, he is awake in a millisecond. I tried it and I know that his anger is definitely not worth the fun.
After a moment, I try and fail to come up with a better excuse and so just say, “Sorry Kev, got some stuff to do tonight. Don’t try to feel up my girl, alright? If you really have to, go find someone else. Though you already have done much more with almost all of them, haven’t you?”
Kevin, though my best friend, is also the biggest player whose biggest peeve is that I have a girlfriend whom I truly like. He just wants to ‘have some experiences of bachelorhood’ before he ‘boringly’ commits to his freedom’s suicide, another name for commitment seeking girls. He’s just lucky that being the only Hispanic guy in the school, girls are easily charmed. His long workouts in the gym helps his cause too.
“I never kiss and tell. Though I think I have told you about much more, haven’t I? So reason for not coming... that secret stuff of yours again?” he says as he pats me on the back. My secret stuff is almost public knowledge but, luckily, no one really knows about it.
Let’s just say that I got really excited about trying it again after that one time and climbed onto the weakest branch of a tall tree and shook it until it broke, just because I wanted to know if I wanted cookies more or pancakes. I know, silly but it worked and the only evidence was a small scratch that I easily lied about. After that, Ed’s rule for not trying again and again went out of my mind and I can positively say that I became an addict by the time I was ten. I know this because I tried to quit and ended up depressed. That led to a whole another drama.
By this time, we are with other guys. Nik is a talented photographer and intends to pursue his interests. Everyone likes him, until Nik takes embarrassing photos of them, which he likes to do a lot. Cam, short for Cameron, is the biggest player, next to Kevin of course, and is the best actor of the school drama club. He is also the biggest gossip and always has a story to entertain us with. Jacob, Luke and Simon are football players who hang out with us almost as much as they do with the rest of the team. Quite an unusual group but that’s the effect of growing in a small town. You could be the biggest player around and still be the local church’s preacher’s son’s best friend.
“Secret stuff again, Jonah?” Luke asks, hearing our conversation. He and Cam are the only two who call me by my middle name aside from my parents and only because I can’t stop them. It usually takes a small brawl to convince them to stop using the name which, although a part of me, I rather not have used as much frequently as Andy. It is only a matter of familiarity. I am stronger than the rest but those two can easily put me down. Though since Kevin recently joined football team, he is getting harder to defeat too. They are all curious to find out about it, like any normal person should be. I had to practically drill the point into their heads that it is a secret for a reason and they should just let it go.
“You know it. Have fun but not too much. I don’t want to end up carrying your drunk asses in my precious car again. Sure you guys are hilarious drunks but I rather not have you stink it up. Simon’s guts still stink if I forget to leave the window open just a crack. And it was a month ago.”
“Oh yes. But it was totally worth it Peters. Your birthday party was just amazing.” Simon grins unrepentantly as he answers. I notice that now Simon and Luke both have brown hair, even though they both are naturally blonde.
“Nice try Si but you are still going to pay for my next car wash.” I reply before he can use any excuse to get out of it. “Tired of dumb blonde jokes, Luke and Si?” I grin as they keep opening and closing mouths with no words coming out in embarrassment. “What was it last time? Fashion? Keep changing hair colour and you will end up bald, guys. Look at us. I, Andy and Kev have black hair. You don’t see us changing hair like clothes. Or even Nik and Cam, even though we love to make fun of their mushroom-like brown hair.” Jacob adds in and we laugh some more as they fake-punch us in fun. At least I think it is in fun.
Just then a hand snakes around my hip and a small breath is exhaled near the back of my ear that makes me shiver. “Morning Handsome.” A soft female voice whispers in pleasure at seeing me shiver. I immediately react how I always like to.
I hold onto her hand that is on my hip and pull her while I turn and catch her in a morning kiss. For these moments, nothing outside exists except us. That is until we are interrupted by very loud coughing and it is then I realize that we had gotten quite intense and, even though our friends saw it daily at school, they didn’t want to wait for us to finish.
Separating from her with a small grin on my face, I don’t break the contact of our foreheads and look at her usual dazed look and reply, “Morning beautiful.” Kylie takes a second to recover but then gives a small smile that is truly for only me, a smile that lights up her entire face and increases her beauty several times. Every single guy wants that smile directed towards him but I know Kylie won’t ever do that. We care for each other almost as much as any married couple does. Kylie was one of us since we joined this place. It was only three months after that when I asked her out. And like the first day, she still makes my heart stop just by looking at her.
“This is almost as worse as hearing our parents.” Kev comments and then lets out a loud ‘Ow!’ when Kylie slaps him on the back of his head. “Yup, definitely almost as worse. You even hit like one, Kyl.” He says. She frowns at him while the rest of us try to hide our smiles at the intimated look Kev gives. Just because Kevin likes his shortened name, it doesn’t mean everyone else likes it for themselves too.
Fortunately for Kevin, before Kylie can scold him yet again, the bell rings for class and we hurry into our classes, trying to make it just a minute before our teachers do.
Witchbury High, established sometime in last century by the looks of it, is a combination of three three-floored ‘blocks’. Its paint, which was once cream, now looks like a sick man’s vomit. Though I feel like adding that some of us did vomit at the walls to decorate it further. The classes are all small for the needs. It’s only saving grace is its updated gym and field. Even that’s because coach Hannigan almost caused a riot for it. Owing to my ‘nice kid’ reputation, everyone gives me a smile with messages ranging from a simple ‘Hi’ to a seductive ‘Leave Kylie and get on with me’ type. It’s surprising how much they manage to convey in a smile. Right now though, there are barely any smiles as everyone hurries to make it to class in time.
Since I have English Lit right now and Ms Aubrey, our redhead teacher, is the most cool-headed teacher with the occasional tendency to forget the curriculum and start discussing philosophy in the middle of class, I walk calmly into the class. Kev shares this class with me and pushes me from the back and says, “Hurry up, Andy! Just because
every teacher practically eats out of your hand doesn’t mean you can flaunt the school’s rules this much.”
He is right but then again, he is the only student ever known in Witchbury High to have made Ms Aubrey lose her cool. The video recording of this event was never uploaded on YouTube, as Ms Aubrey knew exactly how to hack a Google account with the help of her almost-fiancé and ethical hacker Jonathan Wintrow, who is usually a cool easy-going guy, and she had a really mean streak for revenge. But away from the internet, it was the most widely watched video of our school, even more than porn.
Kevin is, as he confessed to me in private after that incident after much coaxing, scared witless of her and so, he hurries in front of me to make it to the class on time right now. But as luck would have it, she already stands at the doorway, having seen us coming.
In an icy voice, she tells Kev who has already froze on his spot the moment he noticed her, “Turn around, Mr Simons. Your destination is for a tardy slip now.” By this time, I have caught with him. I nod a polite ‘Good Morning’ to her and her face transforms instantly into a bright smile. “Good Morning, Mr Peters. You made it just in time. Please take your seat.”
With my head down, I smile as I walk in and hear her frosty voice again, “Get me a tardy slip, Mr Simons, and you might have a chance of getting in class today.” A few chuckles and giggles come from the people inside as Kevin dejectedly turns away but Ms Aubrey ignores them.
The rest of the day is just like every other day. Coach Hannigan still wants me to try out for the basketball team, because of my six feet height and some skills with the ball but I make up the excuse of too much pressure again. It isn’t a lie but I think that if I really wanted, I could have tried everything to be managed to make room for basketball but the truth is that it would take my time to plan my next dare.
The school finally ends and everyone, as they have been doing for the entire day, try to convince me again, unsuccessfully, to make me come to the party and let go of the secret stuff for once. As I start my car, one I bought from ‘junkyard’ and repaired during my spare time and vacations, adding some special ‘features’ for use in my dares, I glance once again at the school building and think the same thought I always get: This is the best life there is.
And with that, I move out of the parking lot, planning what to get for my latest dare tonight. For a moment, I consider abandoning this idea, because there is a lot of things that could go wrong. But a moment later, I console myself with the fact that that is why I do it and I always plan it well that even if it comes to the worst case scenario, I know I will be safe. After all, there is no need to be suicidal, it is just for a few minutes of a rush.
By the time I make it to the Luke’s father, Mr Johnson’s hardware store, I am confident of my plan. I have made sure of everything for tonight. I just need one more stuff for tonight.
This idea was actually based on the promotional video the manufacturers released for my car, Chevrolet Sonic. Kevin had gotten the car as a gift on his birthday but having drunk too much a month later, he had totalled it by crashing it into the roadside trees. He was grounded for a month for ‘letting his car get stolen’ (we barely managed to cover up his injuries) and after a lot of begging, which I recorded and posted on YouTube - and hours later became an instant hit - I had bought his wrecked car from him as I was saving for one anyways. I began to work on it a little into the woods behind the house so that no one accidentally spotted it. After a compulsory paint job, when Kevin begged me to do so to avoid getting caught, I changed its colour from the red it originally was to a dark grey. When dad asked where I got the car, I told him that I got it fresh off the most recent delivery to the junkyard.
“Hey, Jonah. How are you?” Mr Simons, who seems to be buying some tools, asks me as I enter. Mr Johnson also looks up while he rings up the purchase and gives me a warm smile before returning back to work. Being a well-liked person has its advantage. I immediately walk into the aisles, mentally wondering if four bungee cords would be enough. Then again, since I want a little danger (not serious danger; just enough to give me a scare), I figure that four would be more than enough. As I look them over and check their hook attachment, a shadow falls over me and I almost jump.
“Planning a bungee jumping event, huh Jonah?” Mr Johnson asks. Then before I can even respond, he shakes his head in disapproval and speaks, with a bit of wistfulness, “You kids nowadays are some serious thrill-seekers. Here.” He turns and picks up some safety harnesses and says, “Better take these too. It is always nice to be as safe as possible.” I disagree. Sometimes the danger is more fun.
Still, I give a smile and say, “Thanks, Mr Johnson. I was going to pick them up too.” “Anything else?” He asks, looking at the stuff with equal amounts of longing and dislike. “No, thanks. This is all.” I respond and he turns and looks at me strangely.
“Why only four Jonah? If I remember correctly, your group has seven people, including yourself. Then why aren’t you getting more? If you want, I could give you a little discount.” He offers and I mentally panic, trying to come out of this as smoothly as possible. After a moment of silence, I respond, making up excuses as I go.
“You know how Cam is afraid of heights so I don’t think he would want to take a turn. And Jacob vomits every time he tries hanging upside down so he won’t really even consider it. Poor boy always misses out stuff like these and those rollercoaster rides with twists and turns.” I hide a shudder as I remember that our entire group, along with Kylie and some of the players’ ‘girl of the day’s with us, had watched Final Destination 3 the very next night. Kylie had made me promise to never go on one again and feeling a little freaked out myself, I had agreed. The girls had vowed to never disrespect tanning salon rules again. I don’t think Kylie even went to another tanning session after watching that movie.
“Yeah, poor boy.” Mr Johnson speaks softly in agreement but I also hear the amusement behind the words. “Simon is scarred by that incident near the waterfall so he really hates to go anywhere near it, and it is where I actually intend to organize this on this Sunday. Also, this is kind of a surprise so I hope you won’t tell.” I plead with him. He nods and I am reminded of what had happened when I had tried to break another of Ed’s rules.
When Simon went detective on me, I tried to tell him about the waterfall trick without really confirming it. He figured it out still but tried it only for the thrill. Even though I warned him, he had gone without his shoes on. And just like me on that fateful day, he had slipped. Not being able to swim, he had offered little resistance to the water that kept pushing him down till he fainted. And when he woke up later in the hospital, he was completely freaked out. After that it took him a long time to even shower without letting out some kind of scream or walk into a pool again. But he never dared to return to the falls again. Thankfully, he didn’t tell any adult that I had suggested it. Others of the group simply called the trick foolish and useless. So it was forgotten, by everyone except Simon, that is. I still sometimes saw the scared look he gave at the mention of the falls.
Mr Johnson rings up the purchases and after paying, I leave for the small hill near the edge of the town, almost at the opposite end of the falls. Sometime ahead, I pass the Smith’s remembrance shrine near the site of the accident and I once again wonder if I should drop this habit. The shrine was built in remembrance of the Smith family who had a car accident about twenty one years ago. Andrea and Jonathan Smiths hadn’t made it but their son, Elisan Robert Smith, had. He was sent to foster care and last anyone in this town heard, he had run away from there. People hoped he would come back here, even if he had no one here to come back to.
Shaking my head to dispel these depressing thoughts, I drive to the top of the hill and see that the setup here is almost complete. Fixing the bungee cords to the car and the other end to the rope tied around one of the strong green trees near the steep incline, I check to see if the knots are properly tied.
Just to be on the saf
e side, I glance down the incline and see that even though it is steep, once the cords have finished moving, I can safely slide down the hill at a slow speed and then come back up to cut the rope and free the car so that it can go down easily. Having already spent the last two days creating a sand and mud wall to cushion the stop of the unmanned vehicle, I can see that there won’t be any permanent damage to the car, only those that might occur during oscillation.
At this very moment, my cell rings and I check it to see that its Kevin calling. “Hey, what’s up?” I ask him as I walk back to the car. “Still not coming to the party?” He asks and his voice sounds surprisingly serious. “Yeah. Sorry buddy. Not going to make it there tonight. But just you wait to see what I have got planned for Sunday. We’re gonna have loads of fun. Cameras and video recorders would be a must! You’ll see.” I excitedly respond. I didn’t exactly lie to Mr Johnson. In order to maintain my cover, I knew I had to make it the truth. A serious okay is all the response I get. In order to check the engine’s status, I pop the hood and am surprised to hear a strange popping sound come through the phone at the same time. Suspicious, I ask, “Where are you Kev?”
“Oh, I am at home. Pops is just looking into his car. It seems to be making some sort of strange sound. That reminds me, hey do you still have that black button-up shirt? I need to borrow it. Chicks are attracted to it like magnet attracts iron.”
Now doing this stunt meant that I wasn’t going to return home tonight. So I just respond, “Sure, it’s in my closet. Take it. I’m out right now and won’t be home before you leave.” It is the truth. I was waiting to perform this in the dark to avoid anyone seeing me and since I had already hooked the car up, I wasn’t going to unhook it all again for what seemed like maybe three hours of sunlight. In this time, I would deal with the other school stuff like getting all those boring assignments done and the valedictorian speech ready. I wasn’t the one who had to say it even, it was just that my writing was good enough that Ms Aubrey is willing to make the valedictorian speech my grade paper.
“Oh, okay then. Talk to you later. Know that I will call again at the party to tempt you. Can’t you seriously leave this ‘secret stuff’ of yours for once?” Kev asks and I am so excited to do this that I almost say no. But the truth is, if I delay I know I won’t be my usual self. I have become dependent on the thrill and the sense of living it brings and that sense of the last time is nearly forgotten now. If I don’t, I had a feeling I would be just restless and moody. And later depressed. So I couldn’t delay. Might as well get this over with. “No will have to do, Kev. Sorry.” I apologize. With a sigh, he responds, “Someday, Andy, you are telling me everything about this secret stuff.”
“Someday, Kev, someday.” I repeat, justifying my obvious lie with the fact that the day would come after I finally kick this habit away. Which won’t be soon it seems. He hangs up and I feel guilty for lying to him. But tonight is again I have to make a hard choice. Kylie has been giving signals that she is ready for more than just making out but I am not sure that it isn’t too early for her, for us. I can’t have her regretting it later.
So I sit down in the driver seat, pull all the window panes down and wait until it is dark enough.