Fear To Live For

  *****

  The next morning, yesterday that is, when I woke up, the first thing I felt was the anticipation for what today would bring when I went to school. And then the memories of what had happened settled in and I felt a bit depressed. But then, a part of me, probably my heart, reminded me that I had one incomplete duty left to do. And so, literally jumping out of the bed, I sat down and wrote a letter, or rather a one-sentence note, to Kylie. I will come back for you. I had even written her address and inserted the note in the envelope before I realized its implications.

  I was leaving her with a note promising to return for her, and indirectly requesting that she waited for me, while I would leave with no idea when, if I ever did, I will return. She would miss on her life because I am making her this promise. And although I wanted to have her all for myself, I knew I couldn’t do that to her. It wasn’t none of the ‘let your loved one go free and wait for her to return to reciprocate the love’ stuff. I knew she would wait, even if I didn’t ask her to, but she shouldn’t base her life on something so uncertain. So I threw that note away in the trash and wrote another one to her. Move on and live your life to the fullest. Do not hold back to wait for me. Move on.

  Basically I had given the girl I loved permission to date others and forget me. That obviously created a sadness inside me, which I hid for now. I got up and got ready for my flight, which was in two hours. I took one more look around my now almost empty room and then walked down the stairs, dragging my luggage behind me. Kevin was already there and it was obvious that he was trying not to let his ‘allergies that caused eyes to leak’ win. I walked up to him, unsure what to say. After all, what do you say to a childhood friend who unknowingly made you leave your home? We stood in awkward silence until Dad called out that my breakfast was ready.

  “Don’t get all sentimental on me already, Jonah. I am coming to the airport with you guys.” He commented and I relaxed, glad to be able to enjoy his company a bit longer. I kept the envelope on the kitchen counter in front of my dad and as soon as he read the name it was addressed to, he opened his mouth, probably to ask me to ask her to come too. But I just shook my head because I knew leaving her would be even more painful than saying it to these two men. Dad unknowingly added a comic relief in the tense atmosphere when he asked us why people were coming to check if I was dead. Kevin and I laughed till our stomachs hurt as we explained what had happened, without mentioning the hate calls at all.

  And then, when I could delay it no longer, we left the house I had lived in so far for the airport. I felt tears gathering in my eyes as the house disappeared from my view but I controlled them. I couldn’t control the depression that came with it though. My addiction cost me this loss. Was it truly worth it? It was. But I didn’t feel the answer satisfactory. Thankfully, Kevin shook my shoulders lightly for attention and smiled at me even though his eyes were sad. And for that moment, I felt the depression disappear. And then I stared out the window of the car in which so much had happened and tried to memorize every brick of every building of every street of my hometown.