Fear To Live For

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  It was one hour before I properly settled in the flight. Saying goodbye was hard. Dad just hugged me and said, “Take care, son.” And the only thing I could reply with was a ‘you too’. Then his hug tightened for a moment before he said, “I’m sorry. I couldn’t protect you.” And the depression that I had controlled so far reared its head again as I realized that he blamed himself. And through the sadness, I only stared at the view in front of me as he finally let me go and stood a little far. Now he is maintaining a distance. To ease his own pain of separation. It shouldn’t have, but it hurt. For some reason, I wanted to believe again that he was sending me away for his own good. But once again, Kevin interrupted, saving me from these thoughts.

  “Hey Jonah.” He’s calling me Jonah now instead of Andy to maintain an emotional distance. My mind was going to drive crazy with these thoughts. “Buddy, I am sorry for everything that happened these days. You didn’t deserve it.” Yes I didn’t but had to go through it all because of you, my ‘childhood best-friend’. I didn’t reply verbally. I couldn’t. “I guess this is it, then. Goodbye, Andy. Stay in contact.” I promised him that. After all, how could I not? But not for long. We will soon drift apart.

  As the flight had taken off the runway and, having a window seat, I got a clear view of the town I once called home, it truly set in. I was going away. And I couldn’t go back. Not yet. And most likely, not ever. In the loneliness I was then stuck in, the depression acted in full force as every precious thing I thought about got attached with a dark thought.

  Kylie. Will move on and find someone else because I was an addict. Dad. Will be forever talked about behind his back for his ‘freak’ son. Kevin. Might as well refuse to ever accept that we even knew each other now that I was gone. The people of Witchbury who I missed. Will be relieved to have the ‘freak’ away so that they can raise their own free from the fear of them following the ‘freak’s’ path. In short, everyone will be relieved to get rid of me and continue their daily life. Soon, but not soon enough, they will forget all about me and no one will even know me anymore. Not that anyone would care to remember me anymore.

  Needless to say, by the time my flight landed in Seattle, I was a mess in the inside.