Silence

Michael caught my arms

  and we fell into the sand

  everything tinted red by the brake lights

  I couldn’t hear or speak

  Everything stopped except a swirl of dust

  that fell in front of the lights

  Henry stared at me

  Michael got up and brushed sand off his chest

  He reached down and cradled my head

  put his other hand over my neck and lifted me slowly

  while Donna and Eddie held my arms

  They were so much taller

  my feet barely touched the ground

  as they walked me to the front of the car

  Donna went to the driver’s side and turned off the car lights

  Henry didn’t move

  She came back

  stood in front of me and called me a prick

  while Eddie and Michael held tight

  She backed away

  I tried to break their grip

  My right arm was pulled up behind me

  and my left hand was clenched at my chest

  I don’t know why I held my shirt closed

  Michael let go and stepped back

  I stood for a moment

  my shoulders sagged and I fell forward

  I held on to my shirt and went face down to the ground

  I couldn’t feel my right arm

  Eddie and Michael stood for a moment breathing heavy

  Powdery sand filled my nose

  I held my breath

  I heard them get in the car and close the doors

  My head swelled with sand and warm sticky wetness

  I felt shells on my cheeks and the hard coquina rock

  I saw Donna pick up her shoes and get in the back seat

  then I heard them pull onto Garden Street and go west

  Henry walked out from behind the cattails

  stopped about three steps from my face

  I stared out at the sand

  My legs twitched while Henry circled my body

  I tried to talk

  my eyes wouldn’t blink

  He moved sideways toward some pine trees

  Each step a little faster

  until he turned to run toward his boat and the river

  My stomach cramped and I felt my skin stretch over my ribs

  but no breath

  my ears were vibrating and cold

  Darkness began to fill in around my eyes

  I heard shuffling in the weeds and the brush of canvas on my face

  Two hands lifted me and the sand fell out of my nose into my mouth

  A flash of light

  The air burned as it passed over the sand in my throat

  I felt sand in my ear

  My body twisted inside the canvas and everything went black

  (numb hands)

  I opened my eyes and stared down at Henry

  his back arched

  and swayed from side to side

  as he carried a canvas tarp

  Feet dangled out the end

  I recognized my shoes

  one set of laces untied

  He walked toward a small boat

  that sat on a narrow strip of sand

  small waves made no sound

  His t-shirt was dark with sweat

  he struggled through the weeds

  kicked the sand and shells out in front of him

  The river was dark next to the glow of the sand

  Shadows and weeds were gray

  I could not feel my body as I stared down

  tried to take a breath

  Nothing

  But my head was clear

  No sand in my nose

  Coolness filled me as I watched Henry carry my body

  My ears burned

  I felt the canvas

  smelled the seaweed

  the wood bottom of the boat

  I felt Henry push the boat into the water

  the sag when he stepped in

  and I left my body again

  The motor started

  the blue Ford sign

  I searched for the river

  Henry steered the boat into the darkness

  I drifted behind him like a loose sail

  closed my eyes and felt the thump of waves against the bottom of the boat

  I could smell the damp wind

  my skin was raw from the sand and canvas

  Grit dribbled out of my mouth with spit

  I drifted

  to a dream

  looked down on the wake

  glowing in the dim light from shore

  (into the mud)

  The boat moved steadily north to lights

  that hung like tongues of fire on the railroad bridge

  Beams of creosote and tar painted spikes

  covered with small crabs and barnacles

  Voices spoke above the rails

  some whispered

  some sang a melody

  that faded after Henry’s boat passed under a concrete arch

  I watched Henry sit silent

  his massive gray arm on his knee

  his right hand on the motor handle

  The sound of the motor a steady drone

  while the boat clapped hard against the larger waves beyond the bridge

  He pointed the bow toward a dark mass of palm trees

  where the wind rustled dry fronds

  I knew the place

  the smell

  the sound of glass bottles

  the pale boy who rocked back and forth

  under the leaves of a Brazilian Pepper shrub

  He died without fear

  He did not know he would not become

  the one he wanted to be

  I saw him smile as he lay on the shore

  The blood fanned out from his foot to form the roots of a red tree

  Henry stepped into the mud and dragged the boat over his image

  then disappeared in a narrow opening in the weeds

  I felt the canvas loosen when Henry lifted me

  I choked on spit

  He put me on the grass

  I stared at the boy under the boat

  blood filled my eyes

  Henry spoke softly What has your daddy done

  This morning I’m going to bury you in the grove if you die

  I turned just enough to see him and open my mouth

  I swallowed the boy the blood the mud

  the salt from the river

  He carried me to the house in the quiet morning air

  and whispered Sarah Sarah Sarah

  until a light came on

  Sarah and Julia stood in white nightgowns their hair pulled back

  They watched as Henry climbed up the steps

  My eyes burned with light and tears

  fire burned through my body

  and blood dripped from my elbow onto the floor

  Julia took the sleeve of her nightgown and touched my eyes

  No more words or sounds

  the roof of the house appeared below me

  Light on the grass

  I perched high

  a disembodied sentinel

  where the air cut and seared

  and I remembered the knife on my neck

  I dropped just as I had fallen

  face first

  where every breath was thick

  (the island mud)

  I sat on the roof unwilling to leave my body in the house

  The night sky blended into palm leaves and orange trees

  Stars like blurred drops of water

  I felt my canvas skin

  against the bedsheet

  the heat of my blood

  My night voyage held by invisible cords

  The bodies below were afraid of me

  in my passive form

  under a single bulb of light

  afraid I would die in front of them


  only to re-enter the womb

  of a woman joined by blood and semen to my father

  The murdered with the murderer

  joined by a violent kiss

  A future incarnately black as salt water

  I could smell and feel the waves

  the bottom of a wooden boat

  that plowed through the waves

  the pulse of my heartbeat

  the bow like my forehead

  eyelids shut

  blood pushed through my body

  like a sheet of water rippling through a swamp

  soaked in red water with green sediment

  blue air thick with salt

  orange sugar morning dew

  The ice cut ring on my neck burned

  and stuck to frayed edges of the sheet

  My neck pulsed

  my arms and legs heavy as stone pillars

  Alan would be looking at me

  and tell me how each cut

  each punch

  each blow

  was an incident unto itself

  no one to blame but the victim

  and the victim caught on an island of his own misdeeds

  there might I go except for grace

  which somehow validates my life the way it is

  unquestioned and unconquered are my distinction

  you dear son are caught in your own web of senseless destruction

  you crave the relationship that drags you down into the sand

  the connection that links you with everything wrong-minded

  about how the world works

  You can’t escape because you believe you belong right where you are

  that the world is perfect

  I will not drag you out of your own mud I will bury you in it

  I float on the river my eyes pointed toward stars

  my arms and legs liquid

  surrounding the mud of an island

  I sink into the sand and shell

  like a pillar of salt

  that blends into waves

  The numberless cords that hold me are cut

  and I drift away

  the island left to erode

  into bottom mud

  algae salt grass seaweed

  crab claws tinsel fish

  corpses float silver green

  crusted shells in a quarry of broken lime rock

  (until now)

  I felt her resolve

  when Henry unwrapped the canvas

  set me down on the bed

  She held my head down to the pillow

  lifted my sand-filled legs and set them flat

  The light

  I closed my eyes and tried to swallow

  They gave me water and spoke in tongues

  about me about the car

  the boat ride up the river

  God’s will

  Sarah pulled me close to her

  The smell of her skin

  the moist touch

  and the pure embrace of her care

  I felt her spirit hover over my bed in the dark

  She looked into my eyes

  her hands held my face

  Julia

  Sarah saw my longing

  Yes I was deaf and blind

  The night was a thick fortress around me

  No words

  The light the silence

  Let my ears hear the silence thunder down

  Dark leaves tree trunks

  with veins that reached deep into salt water

  the air filled sleep

  the fragrance of Sarah and Julia

  Fill me with a million stars and a blur of light

  with the glisten of the waves at night

  ###END###

  Thank you for reading books on BookFrom.Net
Share this book with friends