Lindsey's Choice

  I need to find Joey and get out of here, these guys were in college, and I’m just not into this sort of thing. I started down the stairs.

  “Lindsey wait up!” Chloe shouted from behind.

  “What is it? I’m leaving alright, you stay and hang out with your new friends. you’ve got a real quality group there.”

  “You know Lindsey, we talked about being part of the cool and popular girls at school. Now we are, and you’re going to ruin it!”

  “If it means I have to do things I don’t want to then it’s worth ruining! I have plenty of time to party and do whatever when I hit college. We are only 16. It’s illegal for us to drink! Just because Brittany and her friends think this is the cool way to go, I don’t. I’ll find something else to make me feel good about who I am!”

  “Hey guys it’s a cat fight!” I heard some guy cheering from the main floor.

  “Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight….” The chanting began. A small crowd started to form at the bottom of the stairs.

  “I am so mad at you Lindsey Connors; I don’t care if we’re ever friends again!” Oh the drama, Chloe is just where she wants to be, the center of attention with a bunch of guys watching her every move. She had a small smile after she spoke and looked down the stairs toward her audience. I turned to check out the scene and turned back.

  “You are pathetic Chloe. You just LOVE this attention, get a life,” I turned and stormed down the stairs.

  “YOU’RE the one who needs to get a life, loser!”

  “Whatever.” I didn’t turn back.

  Joey was at the bottom looking up at me. He reached out for my hand and we went to grab our coats. He didn’t say a word.

  Joey and I walked home hand in hand. I talked about Chloe and her changes, how our childhood used to be, her family, how my mom always shook her head when we talked about Chloe’s mom. How Chloe doesn’t know her father and seems to crave the attention of men no matter where she is and no matter who is giving the attention. Joey just listened.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “I’m just blabbering on and on.”

  “You’re upset, you need to talk and get things off your chest.”

  “Actually I do feel a lot better.”

  He stopped walking. He turned my arm so I was facing him. He held up his strong warm hands and held my face.

  “Your cheeks are cold.”

  I could just smile as I looked into his dark eyes. Those deep eyes took me to such a peaceful place, a place that warmed my whole body. His lips slowly met mine. I thought I would collapse from the weakness I felt. I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on each warm and tender kiss. My feelings just took over; we were getting more and more passionate, I needed to get closer and closer. I couldn’t deny my emotions. He slowly pulled back.

  “That was nice,” whispered Joey.

  I smiled and looked away, a little embarrassed by my aggressive display of passion.

  We took our time getting home. It was such a perfect night. We talked on and on about everything. Joey volunteers at the hospital on the weekends. He told me about some of his patients. By the sound of his voice as he talked about the different patients he helped, his genuine compassion for them was clear. As he spoke and began to tell his stories, I fell in love deeper and deeper. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met.

  “Maybe you can visit the hospital with me sometime?”

  “I’d love to.” I’d also love to marry you, I thought to myself.

  We finally reached my house and slowly said our goodbyes.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” Joey said as he tapped his chest and mouthed the words I love you and pointed at me. I smiled and waved goodbye.

  CHAPTER 9B

  Behind the Mask

  “Congratulations! You made it!” Joey came running towards me grabbing me around the waist and swinging me around.

  “You’re kidding?!” I said in astonishment.

  “It looks like you and Jessica were the only Grade 10s to make it.”

  “Oh my god!”

  “I have to run sweetie but we’ll start celebrating at lunch!” He ran off turning around to give me a thumbs up. Yes! What a relief. I better find Jess.

  Walking towards Jessica’s locker, I passed Deirdre in the hall. She looked more sad then usual. Her head was low with her eyes fixed on the ground. She was just standing by the fountain looking lost. Maybe she didn’t make the volleyball team and is upset. Maybe there is more to it, she looks very tired. Her long wool sweater and jeans down to the ground seem a little odd to be wearing on this hot day. Maybe she is sick?

  “You okay?” I spoke softly to Deirdre.

  She didn’t respond, her eyes were still fixed on the ground.

  “Deirdre?” She slowly looked up at me with a distant blank look.

  “Are you okay?” She just stared at me like she was waiting for some practical joke or sarcastic comment.

  “Why are you asking?” She finally spoke but her voice was so weak. It sounded as though she had to put a lot of effort into each word.

  “You seem upset.”

  Deirdre just stared at me. Her eyes revealed so much pain. It seemed like she really wanted to say more but appeared uncertain and hesitant. Her eyes started to form a glass cover and a tear slowly rolled down her left cheek. I reached out in an attempt to console her but she clutched her books and hurried down the hall almost bumping into Chloe and Brittany.

  “Excuse me!” Brittany snarled rolling her eyes.

  “What are you talking to the dork for?”

  “She seemed pretty upset.”

  “…and so…?” Brittany apparently figured she required an explanation.

  “Hey I made the team!” I quickly changed the topic.

  “What team?”

  “The Queen’s Volleyball team.”

  “Good for you,” Chloe said blowing on her nail that she had just filed. I doubt she’s still mad at me from Brittany’s party.

  “Jake’s brother Ryan is having a big college party this weekend!” interrupted Brittany grabbing hold of Chloe’s hand, “I can’t believe I haven’t told you already!”

  “Cool!” They started jumping around with excitement.

  “I’m sure you can come, too, Lindsey,” Chloe said.

  “No thanks.”

  “Come on Lindsey, it’ll be a blast,” urged Chloe.

  “Just like the last one I’m sure.”

  “Don’t force her if she doesn’t want to, Lindsey’s not much of a party girl,” Brittany said as though I wasn’t standing right in front of her.

  Brittany is such a bitch!

  “You guys go and have fun, I’ll talk to you later Chloe.”

  If Brittany dropped off the face of the earth, I’d be a happier person. Maybe I could arrange for such a thing…

  CHAPTER 10B

  Visit to Canon General

  I used to come to Canon General Hospital to visit my mom when she got off work. She used to let me hold the babies in the nursery. I’d love to watch the nurses give the babies their first baths. Sometimes they would let me help put on their tiny diapers. I would sit in the rocking chairs and cuddle the little bundles, I’d love to smell them and watch the cute little expressions on their faces.

  I remember telling my mom how badly I wanted my own little baby to hold and cuddle. She said babies are a lot more work then just holding and cuddling.

  “Is your mom working today?” asked Joey as we walked through the sliding doors at the hospital’s main entrance.

  “She doesn’t work weekends,” I replied.

  Joey seemed so excited to have me join him today. He has been volunteering on the Palliative Care Unit since he was 12. Palliative Care is where people wait to die. That’s what I remember my mom telling me when she was showing me the different areas in the hospital. I thought it was a really scary place. I never wanted to go near it. She told me it was a very special and peaceful pl
ace, and that the nurses and doctors were amazing.

  I remember when my Grandpa Connors died. He was pretty old though... I think he died because he was just too old. He was actually living in a home where a lot of old people died. Joey told me that a lot of the patients he helps look after have cancer.

  He explained to me that his unit was a quiet and comforting place to be. Family is always welcome. The patient’s rooms are very homey looking, not like actual hospital rooms. He goes and sits with patients and just listens to them talk about whatever they feel like talking about. He tells me that the most important thing that his patients talk about is how much they love their family and that they would do anything to be able to watch their children grow up.

  “That’s so sad; don’t you get sad when you talk to them?” I would ask Joey.

  “Lindsey you must remember that they have already accepted their destiny. They would all just like to tell their stories and that’s what I’m there for. I have learned so much from each of these patients. I have learned to live life to its fullest each and every day. None of us really know our true destiny in life, or the destiny of any of the people we love.”

  “Wow Joey, that’s deep.” His words and tone of voice sounded like they were coming from a much older man.

  “One thing for sure Lindsey is that there is a lot more to life than the little problems that face us day to day.”

  He really makes a lot of sense. Does it really matter if I don’t fit in with the Chloe and Brittany crew? How is that going to affect me when I’m all grown up?

  “This way.” He grabbed my hand as we left the elevator. I can’t wait for you to meet Mr. Tommies.” He was so excited; he practically dragged me by my arm.

  Joey has been talking about Mr. Tommies for months. He is 63 years old and was diagnosed with liver cancer about four months ago. He’s been in and out of the hospital because the cancer had spread so fast. Mr. Tommies has two grown children and four grandchildren. He used to volunteer as a clown at the children’s hospital. Joey has also told me about Candace Stevens, I guess she is only 19 years old.

  She used to be a model somewhere in Europe before she got sick. I guess her cancer started in her arm and it went undetected for so long that it spread into all her bones. I can’t believe she is just a few years older than me.

  Walking down the corridor I felt nervous and a little sick to my stomach. It seems pretty stupid but I just couldn’t help it. I guess I just am not sure what to say to these people, they are not going to be around next year or even in the next few months. It just seems so scary.

  “Here we are,” Joey said with a big smile.

  We walked into a very colorful private room. My eyes were darting every which way to try and take it all in. He had every different color of balloon in all the corners of his room. He had posters of clowns plastered all over the walls. His IV even had ribbon and streamers hanging off it. In a regular looking hospital bed lay a man with no hair, he had sunken cheeks; his cheek bones stuck out like wires were implanted in his face. When he looked up from his book and saw Joey, his blue eyes lit up like a switch had been turned on. He had the biggest toothless grin I had ever seen. I just couldn’t help but give him a big grin back.

  “Well if it isn’t my buddy Joe!”

  “Hi Mr. Tommies,” Joey greeted his friend with a hug, “How are you feeling today?”

  “Just fine and dandy as usual.” I wonder if this man has ever had a bad day in his whole life.

  “You must be Lindsey,” his big blue eyes turned my way.

  “It’s nice to meet you Mr. Tommies,” I reached out my hand.

  “Come here, I feel like I’ve known you a long time missy. I’d love to give the girl who keeps a big smile on my Joe’s face, a great big hug!”

  I couldn’t escape the warmth that was coming over my face. All the nervousness and uneasiness I had felt earlier instantly disappeared when I accepted his embrace. I felt as though I had known him forever.

  “I finally got Lindsey to come up here and meet everyone,” Joey said.

  “Well Lindsey, it’s great to meet you, this character talks about you all the time.”

  “I’m really glad I came,” I said with another red face. “Joey tells me a lot about you, too, Mr. Tommies, I love your room.”

  “Thank you, my wonderful family did this for me, this room needed all the help it could stand!” He laughed.

  “What was it like to be a clown for so many years?” I asked.

  “Putting a smile on precious little faces is worth everything to me, especially the children who were so sick in the children’s hospital. They made it all worthwhile.” He took a long pause and looked down. I thought he was becoming saddened by what he was telling me but it looked as though he had to take a moment to gather some energy. He seemed weak despite the liveliness in his voice when he spoke.

  “Would you like to rest awhile Mr. Tommies? We’ll come back after you rest, I promise.” Joey held onto Mr. Tommies’ hand as he spoke. A true sign of his deep feelings for his older friend.

  “You know me well Joe,” he closed his eyes and rested his head on his pillow.

  I looked at Joey for direction as to what we should do next. He motioned toward the door. We left the room quietly.

  “Does he always get so tired? I asked Joey.

  “Yes, he gets so excited when he gets visitors that he uses up all his energy. He doesn’t realize that he doesn’t have the energy he once did. He needs a lot of rest during the day. I’ve noticed he needs it more and more lately.”

  “Is he going to die soon Joey?” I asked before I even thought about what I said.

  Joey looked down.

  “I don’t know Lindsey, I just don’t know,” Joey said sadly.

  I squeezed his hand and we walked on down the hallway.

  It seems like everyone knew Joey. Anyone who had a uniform on said hi to him. There were patients being walked down the hall with the assistance of nurses or it looked like other family members. People were entering rooms with bundles of flowers and gifts. People were coming out of rooms with smiles on their faces or tears in their eyes. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

  As we walked past each doorway, I took a quick glance in each of the rooms. They all had their own unique stories. As we walked past one room, I noticed a girl about my age sitting at the side of a bed. She was holding the hand of a sleeping patient. I was curious so I stopped and watched a little longer. I heard the girl quietly weeping as she kissed the hand she gently embraced. The patient looked like an old woman; she had very little hair except for a few pieces in different spots on her head. She was breathing very slow and heavy. It appeared that every breath she took required effort, just like Mr. Tommies, but she appeared weaker. She looked so skinny, like those people in Africa who don’t get enough food. Her eyes were sunken into her ghostly white face.

  I looked at Joey, who I thought would be ready for us to move on, but he just watched me. He looked at me as though this was someone who he wanted me to meet but strangely he didn’t take the initiative to walk into the room and introduce me. It’s almost like he wanted me to see for myself. I thought I was being quiet but suddenly the young girl turned and looked right at me. I was stunned, too stunned to say a word. Deirdre just stared at me; her tired eyes were red and puffy. I quickly turned to look at Joey. He knew, he knew all along. I turned back, I hope my astonishment wasn’t too obvious.

  “Hi,” I heard my voice say.

  “Hello,” Deirdre responded quietly.

  The woman awoke slowly and turned her head towards us.

  “Hi Joe,” she said softly with a gentle smile. Her tender and kind voice reminded me of my mother’s.

  This woman sounded a lot younger than she looked.

  “How are you feeling today, Mrs. Duncan?”

  “Not… so… good,” she had to take a long breath between each word.

  “Did they increase your morphine?” Joey asked.

  “
Yes,” she whispered.

  She must be Deirdre’s mother. I always wondered why I never saw her with Deirdre. I felt very uncomfortable all of the sudden; I wish I had never stopped to look in this room. I felt as though I was imposing.

  “We should go,” I quietly said to Joey.

  “Honey, why don’t you join your friends while I rest for awhile,” Mrs. Duncan said slowly.

  Deirdre offered no reply to her mother’s request.

  “Lindsey and I were just going to grab a drink down in the lounge. We’d love for you to join us Deirdre,” Joey said with a smile.

  Deirdre was very hesitant to accept his offer.

  “Go ahead sweetie, I’ll be fine.”

  Deirdre slowly gave her mother a kiss on her forehead and followed us out the door.

  Joey put his arm around Deirdre as we started down the hallway. She lowered her head into her hands and collected tears that streamed down her face.

  CHAPTER 11B

  Deirdre Duncan

  We sat and talked with Deirdre for close to three hours. In that time, I learned more about Deirdre and life than I had in the last 16 years.

  Deirdre has had a pretty difficult life. Her parents divorced soon after her little sister was born. Deirdre was nine-years-old at that time. Deirdre and her sister Megan lived with their mom up until their mom’s breast cancer took over. When Deirdre was 14, she and her sister went to live with their alcoholic father and his mother. I guess there were no other relatives that could care for them.

  She went on to tell us how she doesn’t dare call her father’s mother a grandmother. I guess she is very mean and has been abusive towards Deirdre and Megan. Deirdre said once she was spanking Megan so hard that Deirdre had to hit her back.

  She said that “the wicked witch” then grabbed and began hitting her so hard that she had bruises up and down both arms. That’s why she has to wear long-sleeved shirts and sweaters to school, because the bruises never seem to get enough time to heal before she gets more.

  I asked her why her father never helps her. She said he is always drunk in the basement watching TV. He lives off his mother and she doesn’t seem to mind because she has company in the day and someone to drink with.

  Despite her hardships and obstacles in her life, Deirdre spoke with such strength and maturity.

  I asked her about how she felt when Brittany and her friends bothered her. She said it really hurt her but because of her love for her sister and mom; she couldn’t let it get to her and get her down. She had to keep her strength and put on a smile for Megan and when she went to visit her mom. She said that her mother taught her to forgive and to see the girls that made fun of her as girls that were hurting inside. That these kinds of girls hurt others because they were so self-conscious about who they were that they had to lash out and make fun of others.