Daughter of Light

  “Hey!” he cried when I opened the door and stuck out the umbrella to open it for the walk to the front entrance. “I didn’t bring an umbrella. At least let me share yours.”

  I looked back at him. For a moment, my mind went into rewind, and I recalled the first time I had met Buddy. Ava had taken me to a bar to practice flirtation while following our own special rules concerning what to do and what not to do with men. She had assured me that I would have no trouble being served alcohol there. Someone old enough would surely buy us drinks. It was a bar frequented by college men, and when we had approached the bar, Buddy had stepped forward, bowed like some medieval knight would bow to royalty, and presented us with the bar stools. Ava hadn’t given him more than a glance, but I’d thought immediately that he was different from the other young men around us. He had a sweeter, gentler face. Right from the moment of meeting him, I had trouble not being honest with him. There was something about him that cried out for sincerity.

  Liam looked like that. Despite the bad-boy image he obviously had earned, I saw past it and saw that same vulnerability, that boyish innocence that every man wanted to keep safely and snugly tucked away in his heart to revisit when he felt it was safe to do so. Perhaps men were far less tolerant than women of any of that naiveté. It smelled and tasted too much of virginity and timidity. It threatened their manhood.

  How complicated this was, especially for women, I thought. There was a part of us that was drawn to the gentleness and simplicity in a man. Maybe that was the mother in us that wanted to cuddle and soothe them and longed to feel that need in them, a need we also possessed. But there was also that raw lust in us that drew us to the aggressive, domineering, and demanding force in them. We wanted to be ravished and taken. For almost every woman, this was the conflict, the complication that made navigating in the sea of romance difficult and dangerous.

  Suddenly, hesitating in Liam’s car and looking at him while all of this came rushing over me, I realized just what made my sisters so grateful for who and what they were. For us, the daughters of darkness, this conflict did not exist. That was why we weren’t supposed to fall in love. We were never to have the need to cuddle and soothe any man, and we were certainly never to surrender to any lust, only to use it as we would any other tool.

  But this wasn’t true for me. I had fallen in love with Buddy, and what was drawing me to Liam right now were feelings and instincts supposedly deadened in my father’s daughters. But they weren’t deadened in me. If I didn’t belong with them, where did I belong? For I didn’t yet feel comfortable in this world to which I had fled.

  Seeing the puzzled look on Liam Dolan’s face while I hesitated and pondered this, I realized also how difficult, if not impossible, it would be to start a relationship with him, with Jim Lamb, or with any man I would meet while I was there. This was a difficulty that none of them would understand. I was confident that they would all lose patience with me quickly, and the problem for me would dissipate like smoke.

  “Of course I’ll share my umbrella,” I finally said.

  I stepped out, closed the door, and hurried around the car with the umbrella opened. He got out and joined me by putting his arm around my waist and stepping under the umbrella, so close to me that our legs touched as we walked and the aroma of his aftershave floated around my face. Laughing at how awkward we were while trying to stay dry, we stepped into the lobby and shook off like two puppies. I glanced around for a place to put the wet umbrella. He took it from me.

  “Here,” he said, and put it behind a counter.

  Those who had already arrived for work all stopped whatever they were doing and looked at us. Some of the women nodded or shook their heads slightly. I was sure they were thinking, Didn’t take him long. Some of the men smiled licentiously, already way ahead in their fantasies, imagining Liam and I groping each other in some motel or his bedroom.

  This is why it’s so easy for the daughters of darkness, I thought. Look at them all assuming, imagining, lavishing in the erotic, all immediately caught on the sexual hook.

  Once they were past puberty, nothing was innocent anymore, not a look, not a touch, not a whisper. And so we baited them with a suggestive smile, a shifting of our eyes, or an innuendo, and they were all ours, practically gift-wrapped for Daddy. Ironically, I had chosen to be like them, the vulnerable ones. I had left the security and the power inherent in Daddy’s world, but at the moment, I detested their weakness. I was still in that love-hate relationship and could feel the struggle for dominance going on inside me.

  “Maybe I can see you for lunch,” Liam said. “You do get an hour,” he added, seeing my hesitation. “Dad’s phone goes on automatic voice mail. Didn’t Michele show you that?”

  “No. She had so much to tell me that she probably forgot, but I’m sure she will this morning.”

  “Great. I’ll stop by. There’s a nice café just down the street.”

  “Let me see how things go,” I told him. I wanted him to understand clearly and immediately that I would not be rushed into anything.

  “Sure,” he said. He was too proud to show his disappointment, but I could feel it.

  “Thanks for the ride,” I said, loudly enough for the woman behind the reception desk to hear. “So fortuitous that you happened along,” I added, and I started quickly for Ken Dolan’s office.

  Michael Thomas stepped out of a door to the warehouse.

  “Hey,” he called. “I looked for you on my way to work, but I guess you got yourself a ride. You look dry.”

  “Yes, thank you, Michael. I tried to walk to work. Liam came along just as it really began to pour.”

  “Liam?” He looked down the hallway and saw him talking to the receptionist. “He just happened to come along?”

  “I guess,” I said.

  He looked at me skeptically, even, I thought, a little critically, as if he believed I was trying to deceive him. “So, you’re telling me it wasn’t something planned?”

  “No.”

  The lines in his face creased and twisted to form a mask of skepticism.

  “That’s what happened. Why do you look so doubtful?”

  “The Dolans’ house is on the other side of town. He wouldn’t be just coming along when the downpour started. Not that it’s any of my business,” he added.

  “Oh,” I said, realizing that Liam must have planted himself on the street waiting for me to start out.

  Michael shrugged, seeing the sincere surprise in my face. “Look at it this way. You got him here to work on time for a change. That’s something his father couldn’t do.”

  He paused. I could almost hear his thoughts. Maybe that’s why Ken Dolan hired you so quickly.

  Maybe, I thought, but I hoped not.

  It would be like some other man using me for bait.

  I simply couldn’t escape my destiny.

  8

  No one wants to feel used, manipulated. I decided that if I concluded that this was the sole reason Ken Dolan had hired me, I would quit and maybe move on to another town or city along the East Coast. Maybe I would even go to Europe, London, anywhere but Quincy. That morning, when he had greeted me, Ken Dolan did look as if he knew his son had driven me to work. One of his employees might have told him, or maybe Liam had told him. Although he didn’t say anything about it, he did look happy that I was behind the desk a few minutes early, perhaps because of Liam. I could almost hear Ava’s laughter.

  Michele Levy was there early, too, so she could finish up what she wanted to show me with the office filing system and some other minor issues. I was impressed with her dedication and loyalty to Mr. Dolan. I knew she still had doubts that I could fill her shoes, despite the abilities I had demonstrated and the speed with which I had grasped the tasks. Maybe in her mind, it diminished her importance and achievements to have someone as young as I was fill her position so easily.

  Periodically, other young men stopped by, ostensibly to welcome me to the company. From the smiles on their faces
and the way they lingered, it was clear they were there to look me over. One of them was Terrence Stone, who managed the showrooms. I knew he was just thirty, but he looked older because he was prematurely balding. I knew he was a smoker, too. I could, as could any of my sisters, smell the scent even before the smoker arrived. All of our senses were sharper and keener. I wondered if mine would diminish with time. Anyway, Daddy didn’t want his daughters to bring him men who were heavy smokers. He didn’t like the taste of their blood.

  “I didn’t know who you were when Michael Thomas ran you through the showrooms yesterday,” Terrence said in an apologetic tone. “I thought you might be one of these recently wed women looking to set up a new home. Welcome,” he added, offering his hand and holding on to mine a little too long. He had a soft voice with a British accent that Daddy used to call the king’s English.

  “No problem. I saw you were busy,” I said.

  He offered to give me a better tour of it all. “I’ve been here longer than most of the employees,” he bragged. “And I grew up in this town, so don’t hesitate to ask me anything. If you have a free weekend, I’d be happy to show you around, take you to lunch, whatever.”

  “Thank you. I have it all under control for now,” I said as sweetly but as firmly as I could. He looked surprised more than disappointed as he left.

  “You dented his ego,” Michele said. She had overheard it all. “Second to Liam, he’s the Don Juan of the company. Don’t let that accent fool you. He’s nowhere near as bright as he pretends to be.” Unable to disguise her jealousy, perhaps her longing for her own youthful, carefree time, she added, “They’re all going to hit on you. The word’s out, apparently.”

  “What word?”

  “That you’re young, beautiful, and available.”

  “I’m not so available,” I said sharply.

  “Oh. Are you seeing someone here already?”

  “No.”

  “Someone in Boston?”

  I shook my head but offered no other explanation.

  She shrugged. “Whatever.” She checked her watch. “I hope we don’t have any other interruptions. I’ve got to go to a doctor’s appointment. Let me just run through this list of important names, people Mr. Dolan considers his A-list. There are some politicians on it, so not everything here involves plumbing supplies, if you get my drift.”

  “I do,” I said. “Thank you.”

  I was too busy the rest of the morning to give Liam or the other young men who had stopped by much thought, even if I had wanted to, and when the women from accounting invited me to join them for lunch, I agreed, actually jumping at the invitation. They told me they sent out for sandwiches, and we would all have lunch in an area reserved for employees to have lunch or take snack breaks. There was a refrigerator and a microwave for our use. I checked what sandwich I wanted on the takeout menu and returned to the letters and phone calls. Just before noon, Liam stopped by to see if I was going to join him for lunch.

  “You’ll really love the food at this place.”

  “I’m just too busy,” I said. “I agreed to join the other employees ordering in sandwiches. It’s probably a good idea for me to get to know them all, anyway, don’t you think?”

  Of course, he didn’t. “It’s better to get to know me,” he half kidded. “But whatever . . . I’ll go with Michael to this new job site to help formulate a bid, then. You’re forcing me to be a good employee, too.”

  “It’s not castor oil,” I said. “And I repeat, you should want to be that without my influencing you.”

  He laughed. “You sound like one of my high school teachers trying to motivate me.”

  “Did you ever wonder why you needed motivation?”

  He lost his smile. “Despite what you’ve been told and what you see, my life isn’t, nor has it been, a bowl of cherries,” he countered.

  “Neither has mine, but wallowing in self-pity doesn’t help.”

  “Oh, brother.” He looked up at the ceiling. “Mercy,” he pleaded with his hands up. I laughed at his histrionics. That brought a smile back to his face. “How about I give you a ride home, at least?”

  “Oh, I’m shopping first. Mrs. Addison is taking me.”

  “Naomi Addison?” He smirked. “She’s twice your age. What is she going to know about the things a young woman like you needs?”

  “Don’t you respect the wisdom of older people?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “You’re different, all right.” He didn’t make it seem like a compliment. It rang like a complaint.

  “Why do you say that?” I asked. Was there something now so immediately obvious about me?

  “Let’s just say you seem older than you are and leave it at that.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Well, how about dinner one night this week?”

  “I signed up for your aunt’s bed, breakfast, and dinner package.”

  “Well, you don’t have to eat there every night, do you?” he asked, his frustration building.

  I sat back, looking at him and then at his father’s closed office door. “Does your father approve of your taking out employees?”

  “What? I don’t think he has much to say about it,” he replied.

  “I just thought there might be a company rule.”

  “Well, there’s not.”

  Just at that moment, Ken Dolan opened his office door and paused on his way out to look at me and then at Liam, his eyes accusing him of wasting time. “You doing that bid research today with Michael or not?” he asked him.

  “Yeah, I’m going. I was hoping for something more exciting, but that didn’t pan out,” he said, looking at me.

  “I’m sorry that keeping this company solvent and successful isn’t exciting enough for you.”

  “What’s more thrilling than a new toilet?” Liam said dryly.

  “If the business is so uninteresting for you, you could have remained in college. I got you into the best school.”

  “Right. It’s all my fault. It’s always been all my fault.”

  Ken shook his head softly and paused at my desk. “I’m meeting John Langerfield at his office and will be at lunch with him, too. I don’t anticipate being back before the end of the day. You have my cell-phone number if you need something quickly.”

  “Yes, Mr. Dolan.”

  “Oh,” Liam said as his father turned to leave. “Lorelei was concerned that you might have a company rule against either of us asking an employee on a date.”

  “What? Either of us? Why would I ask—”

  “I mean me,” Liam said. “Or the executive branch of the company.”

  Ken looked at me. “I think she’s old enough and smart enough to know whom and whom not to go out with,” he said, and left.

  “So?” Liam said. “Are you smart enough?”

  “You mean if I said no, I wouldn’t be?”

  “Oh, jeez,” he cried, raising his hands toward the ceiling again. “Do I have to beg?”

  “Let’s just say that for now, at least, I’m not looking for a relationship, Liam.”

  “That’s not the signal I’m getting,” he retorted.

  “Maybe you’re seeing what you want to see. I’d like to settle in, get the lay of the land, so to speak.”

  “You mean shop around a little,” he said, with sarcasm dripping from the corners of his mouth. “I heard about the parade that went through here this morning. My aunt calls it kicking the tires first before buying.”

  “I’m not kicking any tires. I don’t know the kinds of girls you’re used to, but I’m not shopping for a new boyfriend, and I did nothing to encourage anyone here.”

  “Yeah, sure,” he muttered. “Then I guess my father just reinforced my reputation as a loser, and that’s turned you off to me.”

  “That’s not it.”

  “Right.”

  “Look, Liam, I was with someone before I came here. I thought he was a responsible, considerate, and stable young man, but he finally clearly dem
onstrated that he was more interested in a good time for the moment than in any planning for the future. There is nothing a girl with half a brain should resent more than feeling like someone’s good time. Too many men I’ve met think we’re some sort of video game they can click on and off whenever they have a mind to do so. Those who don’t mind get what they deserve. I’m not one of them, and my disappointment in love set me back. I need time to catch my breath.”

  My imaginary revelation caught him completely off guard. The sadness and sincerity in my voice quickly wiped away his disdain and self-pity. He shook his head, impressed. “I don’t know any girl your age or even ten years older who thinks like you do. Most of the girls I know are just the opposite.”

  “They’ll regret it when they wake up one day alone and realize life is a lot shorter than they thought.”

  “How old did you say you were?”

  “I didn’t say. Besides, it’s not the years you put in; it’s what you put into those years.”

  “What’s that, something you heard my great-aunt Amelia say? Don’t get her started on Ben Franklin quotes.”

  “No, it was something my father once said,” I told him, “but like most people, he didn’t follow his own advice.”

  “Okay, okay.” He put up his hands like someone surrendering and started to back away. “I know when to go into a strategic retreat. Lately, that’s all I’ve been doing.”

  “I hope your attempting that new leaf is not going to stop now,” I said. “I meant what I said. You should do what’s right and important to do for yourself and not as part of some illusion you design to seduce the new girl.”

  He just stood there staring at me so hard that I thought he could see something really different in me, something that made me clearly a daughter of darkness.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I don’t know what to make of you. You look like a stick of dynamite but act like a ballpoint pen. Discovering the real you is going to be a challenge.”

  “Maybe the effort to find out will do you some good. Things that come too easy usually lose their value quicker,” I said, and turned back to the work I had on the computer. I knew he was still looking at me, but when I looked, he was gone. Romantically, maybe for good.