The Case of the Broken Heart

not sure how to say this.

  Billy (still does not look at her): Just start at the beginning and go ahead till the end.

  Suzanne: I’m late.

  Billy (checks his calendar, then his watch): Late for what?

  Suzanne: I’m eight days overdue.

  Billy (finally looks at her): Would you mind making yourself a little clearer? We’ve got some problems to solve here if the credit union says we’re broke.

  Suzanne: Um, well, I think I’m one of them.

  Billy (takes her hand): What do you mean, child?

  Suzanne: It’s my, well, you know, once a month, something’s supposed to happen…

  Billy: Yes, go on…

  Suzanne: Well it didn’t and I’m worried.

  Billy (lets go of her hand and leans back in his chair): I think I see what you’re getting at. How late?

  Suzanne: Eight days. I’m never that late.

  Billy: I see. Well it can’t be anything serious. You know, there was this gal back in Kentucky, used to be irregular as the stock market. I swear she used to miss every other month. Half the guys in the county would take off when Mary Anne sent out the word (laughs). It was a regular evacuation!

  Suzanne: This is nothing to laugh about. If I am, what are we going to do about it?

  Billy: We? Oh well, I guess it’s mostly up to you, isn’t it?

  Suzanne (backs away): I didn’t do this by myself!

  Billy: Now don’t carry on child. If you want to take off a few days to go to the hospital, we’ll carry on somehow.

  Suzanne: Hospital? I won’t be due till next spring.

  Billy: Surely to God you didn’t think-

  Suzanne: Just what did you have in mind?

  Billy: The obvious thing of course.

  Suzanne: I can get the test done in Vancouver, so nobody here will know.

  Billy: That’s a hell of a good idea.

  Suzanne: If it turns out that I am, what are you going to do?

  Billy: As I said before, it’s very simple. You just make an appointment with a hospital in Vancouver, if you like and you are in and out the same day. You might want to take a day or two off at home to rest up and get back in shape. It’s not that different from an enema.

  Suzanne (backs further away): An enema! Did I hear you right?

  Billy: Well, it’s not exactly the same, you know, but nowadays it’s safe and fast. It’s easy as pie.

  Suzanne: Did I or did I not see you on TV telling the demonstrators at the abortion clinic in Vancouver that abortion is murder?

  Billy (pushes back his chair): In most circumstances, I would say it is.

  Suzanne: What about me?

  Billy: If it’s true, and we don’t know that it is, could be just a bad case of nerves or something, we can’t horse around. You have to do the obvious thing.

  Suzanne: It’s not that obvious to me. You said you loved me.

  Billy (reluctantly gets up and tries to approach her): I did. And it was fine. But you know how these things are.

  Suzanne (backs further away toward stage right): I’m not sure I do any more. I’m not sure I believe anything you say.

  Bill (steps closer): Now, honey, there’s no need to get upset.

  Suzanne: Wouldn’t you be?

  Billy: Why don’t we just let this wait a few days and everything may clear up naturally.

  Suzanne: I don’t believe my ears. Don’t you care about me even a little bit?

  Billy (lamely tries to embrace her but is repulsed): Of course I do, my dear, but this maybe just a false alarm.

  Suzanne (turns and runs off stage right): I never want to see you again!

  Billy: Suzanne! Come back here! I need you. Suzanne! (to himself) How the hell am I going to run this outfit if she takes off? (The telephone rings and Billy picks up the receiver). Good Afternoon, Church of God Almighty, Independent and Reformed.

  Fred’s voice: Is that Pastor Billy Joe Bob?

  Billy: You got him.

  Fred: I’m in deep trouble.

  Billy: I’m sorry to hear that.

  Fred: Look is there any way you could pay me for the stuff I already gave you by the end of the week?

  Billy: End of the week? Have you gone crazy Fred?

  Fred: If I don’t pay them, they said something’s going to happen to me. Those guys don’t mess around.

  Billy: Now listen here a minute. On Wednesday there’s going to be the adult Bible class. On Thursday there’s going to be the Missionary Aid Society. On Saturday there’s a confirmation class.

  Fred: What’s that got to do with anything?

  Billy: That takes us to the end of the week, and not one of them pays a damn dime. The money part is on Sunday. That’s when we hit the jackpot. Just tell your friends what kind of business I’m in, and I’m sure they can wait until the start of next week.

  Fred: Pastor, I don’t think you understand. These guys are not Sears and Roebuck. Their credit department uses guns. I don’t want to get on their bad side and I don’t think you should either.

  Billy: When you find out how to get blood out of a stone, call me back! (Hangs up).

  (Billy pulls a curtain aside revealing a full length mirror. He picks up some of the pages on his desk and practises delivering a sermon). Now these are the commandments, the statutes, and the judgments which the Lord (gestures with left hand) your God, commanded to teach you, that ye might do them in the land…nah, that’s not right. Now these are the commandments, the statues which the Lord (gestures upwards with both arms) your God commanded to teach you, that ye might do…still not right (looks up) Now these are the commandments (gestures with left hand) which the Lord (looks up) your God, commanded to teach you that (points with right hand) ye might do them in the land whither ye go…That’s a lot better.

  It always amazes me, friends, when the word of God is so clear, so simple, that somehow, people find it difficult to follow. The commandment says “thou shallt not steal.” (pauses and stares at his reflection). The commandment says “thou shallt not” (points with right hand) Shit! I’ve already done that! Ah screw it! I’ve only got two hands, I’m not an octopus. Thou shallt not steal (makes a pickpocket motion) but somehow, at tax time, what do many people do? They pad a little here; they subtract a little there. Well, I hate to tell you this, my friends, but that is breaking the commandment. That is stealing, pure and simple.

  It’s the same with adultery. That’s a sin – commandment number seven (holds up seven fingers) – nah, they’re not deaf and dumb. Commandment number seven. And in case you don’t get the message, the last commandment says you’re not even supposed to think about it. That’s the part about coveting your neighbour’s wife. But the excuses I hear! ‘My wife was out of town.” ‘I was drunk; I didn’t know what I was doing.’ (puts both hands on his chest) Why did you get yourself drunk? (opens both hands, palms out at chest height). People always think that the ten commandments are for the other guy, like a traffic light is supposed to keep (points with left index finger) other people (points to himself). No... Is supposed to keep (sweeps his left hand out away from his body) other people –

  (Jim Cochrane enters from stage right).

  Jim: Excuse me. Am I interrupting?

  Billy (embarrassed, pulls curtain shut): No, not at all. Just going over my sermon for Sunday. Have a chair, Mr. Cochrane. (Billy goes behind his desk and sits). Please sit down.

  (Cochrane sits).

  Jim: I guess I should have phoned but I was in the neighbourhood looking at another property.

  Billy: Another property?

  Jim: Nothing’s happened so far. Summer’s moving along and the best time for construction is right now.

  Billy: But Jim, I thought we had a deal.

  Jim: So did I but another month has gone by, and I still don’t have anything on paper. Until we sign our names, we really don’t…

  Billy: Don’t worry, be happy, just like the song says. I can get it for you for just 300.

  Jim: Three
hundred thousand?

  Billy: Yes.

  Jim: But the assessment is only two hundred thousand.

  Billy: Yes, that is as agricultural land. I thought you were in the shopping center business.

  Jim: We’d like to be.

  Billy: And in a couple of months you will be.

  Jim: What about the zoning?

  Billy: I’m working on it.

  Jim: You’ve been saying that for quite a while.

  Billy: I went to Bible college with Dick Oberfeld. If he says he’ll so it, he’ll do it.

  Jim: Won’t the public squawk? They’ve been raising hell about the Premier re-zoning his own land.

  Billy: Illegitimi non carborundum or whatever. Let the bastards gripe. They won’t even know.

  Jim: How’s that?

  Billy: Executive order in council. Who reads them? Besides, people around here want a new shopping center. They are fed up with being gouged by the local merchants, and it’s a long drive to Vancouver.

  Jim: I guess we could come up with three hundred, but when? This thing has been dragging on forever. I don’t want to start construction in October in all the mud-

  Billy: Summer’s just started. Look, these things take time. I was just talking to one of the owners a little while ago. I tried to stress what a noble thing it would be to sell the land to the church. I’ve got him talked into buying out his partners. Then we’ve only got one guy to worry about.

  Jim: Can you give me a date? You say you’ve got a price although it’s a little more than I expected.

  Billy: There’s nothing to worry about Jim. He’s got to go to the bank and I think we can have something ready to sign by the end of next week.

  Jim: Would you put that in writing?

  Billy: Don’t you trust me?

  Jim: No comment. (Stands). Look, I don’t want to waste your time. I’ll call you a week from Friday