The Case of the Broken Heart

(writes in his pocket calendar). Is that what you meant?

  Billy (checks desk calendar): Sure. I should have something ready for you by then unless the bank screws it up.

  Jim: Around noon?

  Billy: Sure Jim. Give me a call then, will you?

  Jim: O.K., but if in the mean time-

  Billy: Don’t even think about it. You’ll never find another property like this and it’s worth half a million. It really is.

  Jim: Sure. (Turns to go). I’ll call you.

  Billy: Do that. (Stands) You won’t regret it. It’s a good move.

  Jim: (Looking down at the floor): See you. (Exits right).

  (Church organ music swells. A curtain is closed over the study. Congregation is now seated in folding chairs. Billy goes to the lectern).

  Billy: Now these are the commandments (points with right hand at an imaginary tablet crooked in his left arm) which the Lord (looks up) your God, commanded to teach you (points at congregation with his right hand) that ye might do them in the land, whither ye go. It always amazes me that when the word of God is so simple, so clear, that somehow, people find it difficult to follow. The commandment says: ‘Thou shallt not steal,’ (makes a pickpocket gesture) but somehow at tax time, what do many people do? They pad a little here, subtract a little there. (Takes a drink of water) Well, I hate to tell you this, my friends, but it is breaking the commandment. That is stealing pure and simple. It’s the same with adultery, commandment number seven – (points with right hand at imaginary tablets in left arm) and in case you don’t get the message – (grabs his chest, and cries out in pain) Oooh! (Falls dead).

  (Pandemonium breaks out in the congregation. Fred runs up to the fallen pastor).

  Fred: Billy Joe Bob, are you alright? (Kneels down). Can you hear me? Billy Joe Bob!

  Marguerite: Oh no! Lord, why did you let this happen?

  Suzanne: Get a doctor! For heaven’s sake somebody call a doctor! (She rushes up to him) Oh Billy Joe Bob, don’t leave me!

  (The rest rush up and crowd around their fallen pastor).

  A man: Where’s the phone?

  A woman: In the study.

  Man: Where’s that?

  Woman (points right): There! (Man runs off right).

  Suzanne: Speak to me! Oh God, don’t take him away!

  Another man: Open his shirt! Give him air!

  A Woman: Air! Let him breathe! Stand back everybody!

  (They move back, except Suzanne, and Fred who is opening Billy’s shirt).

  Scene 2

  (Cecil sits, but not in the pastor’s chair, in the pastor’s study reading a newspaper. Suzanne holds a file folder).

  Cecil: How come you came to work?

  Suzanne: I didn’t know what else to do. Why did you, Uncle Cecil?

  Cecil: No matter who the Pastor is, somebody has to keep the church clean.

  Suzanne: I guess so.

  Cecil: It’s in this week’s paper. I’m surprised they got it in.

  Suzanne: Maybe nothing else happened this week.

  Cecil (reads in a monotone): Pastor Billy Joe Bob, 43, of the Church of Gold Almighty, Independent and Reformed, in Yarrow, passed away suddenly, Sunday, June 16, while preaching a sermon. (Resumes normal voice looking at Suzanne). I didn’t think he was that old. Didn’t look it. (Resumes monotone). The cause of death has not yet been determined. Members of the congregation all said that it appeared to be an apparent heart attack. (Normal voice). Can you have a heart attack at 43? I guess you can. Going younger and younger, every day. (Reads). However, the RCMP have not ruled out the possibility of foul play. (Normal voice) Foul play? That means murder, doesn’t it?

  Cecil: People do the craziest things nowadays. Maybe there’s no reason at all.

  Scene 3

  (Sergeant McPhee sits at his desk. Pat Glazier stands in front of him).

  Sgt. McPhee: Thanks for coming down to the detachment, MR. Glazier. I know a lot of people don’t like to be interviewed at work.

  Pat: It certainly wouldn’t look good. Talk would start before you even set your handbrake. What’s all this about anyway?

  Sgt. McPhee: We’re investigating the death of Billy Joe Bob.

  Pat: Really? I thought he had a heart attack.

  Sgt. McPhee: It might have been a heart attack but we’re not sure.

  Pat: He grabbed his heart and fell over dead. Isn’t that a heart attack?

  Sgt. McPhee: No necessarily.

  Pat: What else could it be?

  Sgt. McPhee: A lot of poisons cause symptoms that look like a heart attack.

  Pat: Poison!

  Sgt. McPhee: That’s one of a number of possibilities.

  Pat: Why would anyone want to kill the Pastor?

  Sgt. McPhee: That’s what we are trying to find out. Have a chair.

  Pat: Certainly you don’t think I would-

  Sgt. McPhee: I’m not suggesting that.

  Pat: Then why did you ask me to come down here? (sits).

  Sgt. McPhee: How long have you been a member of the church?

  Pat: Oh, eight, nine years. Ever since we moved here from Kelowna.

  Sgt. McPhee: Do you have any official position with the church?

  Pat: I’ve been a vestryman for about five years.

  Sgt. McPhee: What’s that?

  Pat: It’s sort of like an executive council. We handle the business end of things.

  Sgt. McPhee: Were you personally involved in any of the church’s business?

  Pat: What do you mean by that? Shouldn’t I have a lawyer here or something?

  Sgt. McPhee: If you insist. But if you want to dot all the “i’s” and cross all the “t’s,” I may have to get more formal myself. You aren’t charged with anything. I’m just trying to get your help to see if a crime has been committed.

  Pat: You said you thought he was murdered.

  Sgt. McPhee: It’s just a possibility.

  Pat: Sergeant, either he was or he wasn’t.

  Sgt. McPhee: There’s always suicide.

  Pat: Suicide! That’s the craziest thing I ever heard of!

  Sgt. McPhee: We have to consider all the possibilities.

  Pat: How long is this going to take? I don’t have a government job.

  Sgt. McPhee: I was just curious if you had any personal business with the late reverend.

  Pat: Nothing on paper. We talked about a few possibilities.

  Sgt. McPhee: What were they?

  Pat: Nothing definite. The church was looking to expand. We have been growing like crazy ever since Billy Joe Bob came up here. He is – he was, a very powerful speaker.

  Sgt. McPhee: How would you have been involved in the expansion?

  Pat: Well, we either had to add an addition on to the existing church building, which wasn’t all that practical considering the small size of the lot we’re on, or we had to find a place to build a new building. I’m in real estate, so he asked me to keep my eyes open.

  Pat: Look, you said this was just a preliminary investigation so let me say that I have some interest in some parcels of land.

  Sgt. McPhee: Would you have made a profit if the church had bought land from you or through your company?

  Pat: No, probably a loss.

  Sgt. McPhee: How can you be sure you would have taken a loss if there was nothing definite? Did you discuss prices?

  Pat: Naturally I had to know what the church was proposing to budget before I could look for anything. There wasn’t much available for the money we had. Besides, it’s against my principles to make a profit from my own church.

  Sgt. McPhee: I see. Would you mind coming in again if anything new develops?

  Pat: If you really need me. (Rises) Don’t forget, in my business, time really is money.

  Sgt. McPhee (rises and extends his hand): I’m afraid public servants will never be appreciated. Thanks for coming in Mr. Glazier.

  Pat (shaking hands): Yeah. Sure. You know I’m still pretty upset by all this.

  Sgt. McP
hee: Of course. I understand. Thanks for your help.

  Pat: Any time. (Exits stage right).

  (Lights dim and come up. Fred enters from right with Corporal Winsby).

  Winsby: Mr. Holland is here to see you sir.

  Sgt. McPhee: Thanks Corporal. Have a seat Mr. Holland. (Picks up notebook) First name’s Fred, right?

  Fred: Yeah, yeah. What did you want to see me about?

  Sgt. McPhee: We’re trying to find out some information about the sudden death of the Minister of the Church of God Almighty. You go to that church, don’t you?

  Fred: Yeah, I have for a while.

  Sgt. McPhee: How long?

  Fred: Three, four months, maybe five. Why do you want to know?

  Sgt. McPhee: Don’t you think it’s a little unusual for a man to die at 43?

  Fred: Is that all he was?

  Sgt. McPhee: Yes, according to his driver’s license.

  Fred: A damn shame (pause). He was right in the middle of a sermon and then he grabbed his heart (grabs his own chest) and went “Oooh!” and keeled over. Why do you want to talk to me?

  Sgt. McPhee: You admit it’s a little unusual for a man to die at 43.

  Fred: It was a heart attack, wasn’t it?

  Sgt. McPhee: Everybody’s heart stops when they die. We aren’t sure of the cause.

  Fred: Haven’t they done an autopsy?

  Sgt. McPhee: We haven’t seen the report yet.

  Fred: It looked like a heart attack.

  Sgt. McPhee: Have you ever seen a heart attack?

  Fred: On television, lots of times. They always grab their heart, scrunch up their faces and go “Ohhh!”

  Sgt. McPhee: That’s very convincing.

  Fred: Why are the cops looking into it?

  Sgt. McPhee: The RCMP haven’t started an official investigation but we believe there is a possibility that someone may have wanted to kill the reverend.

  Fred: Really? Why would anyone want to do that?

  Sgt. McPhee: We thought you might be able to help us find out.

  Fred: What for? He didn’t have any money.

  Sgt. McPhee: Are you