know and he never works.
Sgt. Mcphee: Doesn’t he work at Colson’s Auto Wreckers?
Cecil: If he does, he must have some kind of hand cleaner I’d like to know about. No, I think he just hangs out there on rainy days, where he belongs, with the trash.
Sgt. Mcphee: Don’t you like him?
Cecil: Not particularly. Why should I?
Sgt. Mcphee: I don’t know. I hope I’m not wasting your time. I should probably wait until I get the coroner’s report.
Cecil: I’m all done for the day. (Stands). Anything else I can do for you?
Sgt. Mcphee: Not at the moment. Thanks for your help. (Stands to exit stage right).
Cecil (starts to follow): I don’t see that any of it matters now. He’s dead.
(Both stop).
Sgt. Mcphee: Murder is not the sort of thing we usually overlook.
Cecil: Murder? The only people who say that are the newspapers and they weren’t there. He grabbed for his heart, right in the middle of a sermon, a pretty good one, I’ll have to admit, and he went “Ohh!” and dropped dead. How could anybody have murdered him?
Sgt. Mcphee: It’s a mystery. Thanks again for your help (Exits).
Cecil: Sure. Goodnight. (Exits, lights dim).
Scene 5
(McPhee sits at his desk at RCMP headquarters. Corporal Winsby enters from state right).
Winsby: I phoned the coroner’s office and they said they mailed the report five days ago.
Sgt. Mcphee: Mailed it? The dummies. They might as well have stuck it in a bottle and thrown it into the Fraser River and waited for it to drift upstream. Why don’t they use the damn courier service?
Winsby: I don’t know sir. How’s the investigation coming?
Sgt. Mcphee: This is the RCMP; it’s secret. Christ, I don’t know. It looks like he was stealing from his own church; his best friend is our local cocaine dealer; he sowed wild oats; even the janitor hates him, and they all say they loved him: “A fine man, best preacher we ever had.” What does it all add up to?
Winsby: Can’t say sir.
Sgt. Mcphee: Good, because the answer is still secret. You know, I’d like to talk to that janitor again. Why don’t you have him brought down here this afternoon. He’d probably like to get off work early.
Winsby: What’s his name, sir?
Sgt. Mcphee (looks through scraps of paper in his shirt pocket): Here it is. Radford, Cecil Radford.
Winsby:Is he being charged?
Sgt. Mcphee: No. Give him the usual soft soap. Just a few more questions to help find the guilty party if there is one.
Winsby: How do I identify him sir?
Sgt. Mcphee: Look for the only man there. That should help.
Winsby: Yes sir. (Exits stage right.)
(Lights dim and come up again. Cecil enters shrugging off Winsby who keeps trying to grab his arm. Cecil is very angry).
Winsby: Mr. Radford, sir.
Cecil: What the hell’s the meaning of this? Are you accusing me of murder?
(Winsby retires to the far corner of the room)
Sgt. Mcphee: Not at all. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please sit down and relax.
Cecil: Relax? In a police station?
Sgt. Mcphee: I do it all day long.
Cecil: I’ll bet you do.
Sgt. Mcphee: Please have a chair, Mr. Radford. I need your help to clear up a few more details. You probably know more about the church than anyone else.
Cecil: Yeah, I guess I do. (Sits reluctantly). I was on the board of vestrymen for quite a while.
Sgt. Mcphee: What happened?
Cecil: Had to resign when I too the custodian’s job. Guess they didn’t want me to be my own boss.
Sgt. Mcphee: Yes, I can see. If you don’t mind, let me go over the case, as I understand it.
Cecil: I sure don’t like being dragged down here in a police car.
Sgt. Mcphee: I’m sorry. I told Corporal Winsby to ask you nicely and to have you drive your own car. Well it’s all water over the dam now. Can you tell me, was the church planning to expand?
Cecil: Yeah, we’re crammed to the gills.
(Winsby quietly exits stage right).
Sgt. Mcphee: Were you going to build an addition or were you thinking about a new building somewhere else?
Cecil: I’m not on the Board of Vestrymen anymore. Can’t say for sure. I guess they were trying to decide.
Sgt. Mcphee: Was Glazier Holdings involved in any way?
Cecil: How should I know? I told you I’m not on the Board.
Sgt. Mcphee: O.K. Let me see if you can help me another way. What did Jim Cochran have to do with the church?
Cecil: Nothin’. He don’t go to church. Figures he’s got too much money to hang around with us.
Sgt. Mcphee: Do you think Fred Holland was trying to push drugs in the church?
Cecil: That’s ridiculous. Who’d buy them? Unless it was, no, that’s crazy. I don’t think he’d do that.
Sgt. Mcphee: Who’s that?
Cecil: The, no, nobody I know of.
Sgt. Mcphee: Whenever I said Billy Joe Bob’s name, I noticed that your niece, Suzanne, is it, got quite upset.
Cecil: Wouldn’t you? There was just the two of them alone in the church most of the time.
Sgt. Mcphee: You did say that he got a girl in trouble in California.
Cecil (jumps up): That lying son of a bitch! I don’t think anybody should have ever trusted him. He’s a Yank!
Sgt. Mcphee: Winsby!
(Winsby enters from stage right carrying a large envelope): Yes sir!
Sgt. Mcphee: Please ask Mr. Radford not to leave.
Winsby: Sir?
Sgt. Mcphee: I was afraid he was getting ready to walk out on us –
Cecil: What the hell are you…
Sgt. Mcphee: Who put the water in the pulpit for the minister to drink?
Winsby: Excuse me sir (Hands McPhee the envelope). The coroner’s report just came in. I was going to wait until you were free. Must have drifted upstream.
Sgt. Mcphee: About bloody time!
(Cecil paces angrily. Winsby blocks the exit. McPhee reads rapidly).
Sgt. Mcphee: Hmm, well, fancy that.
Cecil: I put the damn water there and he drank it! What do you want to make of it?
Sgt. Mcphee: Winsby, have Corporal Goyette drive Mr. Winsby back to work.
Winsby: Yes sir. (Both exit stage right).
Sgt. Mcphee (still reading): I’ll be damned.
Winsby (enters from stage right): What’s it say sir?
Sgt. Mcphee: This is the RCMP; it’s secret. (Winsby looks crestfallen and starts to leave). Don’t go. He died of a heart attack. Probably a congenital defect. Enlarged mitral valve. Possibly aggravated by heavy cocaine use. (Mcphee looks up at Winsby and demonstrates). He just grabbed his heart, went “Oooh!” and fell down dead.
Winsby: Then what was all the investigation about?
Sgt. Mcphee: We didn’t have the report. Any you know, Corporal, sometimes it nice to know, just to know.
(Curtain)
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