Whispers of a Faded Dreamer

  Then, in the distance, I saw an underpass on the Interstate. I peered into the darkness ahead. I didn’t see anyone but Dennis and I had run into trouble in an underpass before. I didn’t feel comfortable turning around either, though. I looked behind me. There were probably some back there too. I would have to take the exit off the Interstate and then the ramp back on, to avoid going through the underpass. That way, I could go over it instead. But it would not be without risk. Even now, they might be watching me. They might be waiting for me to draw near so they could rush at me. But I saw no other possible course of action. I started to jog. The faster I got this underpass far behind me, the better.

  The ominous gaping blackness of the underpass yawned before me as I took the turnoff ramp to the right. No one came out. Good. Maybe they hadn’t noticed me or maybe there wasn’t anyone down there. I was halfway up the exit road when I heard them. My jog became a sprint as fear surged through my body. I hazarded a look behind me. They were coming. Dozens of them had spilled out from the underpass and were in pursuit. They moved at a pace somewhere between a shuffle and a run. I put distance between myself and the mob as I crested the incline and began down the other side. I prayed none of them would have had the sense to try to get in front of me to block the down ramp. The road before me appeared clear. I gave it everything I had, sprinting back down onto the Interstate. As I reached the highway, the horde had just crested the hill. Then I saw more of them coming out from the underpass. They were only several car lengths away. I didn’t look back anymore but focused on my breathing and stride. I would outrun them if I didn’t fall. Just keep going! My gasping breath was loud in my ears, blocking out the sounds of those who pursued me.

  When I could run no more, I slowed to a walk, clutching my cramping side and looking behind me. The underpass was far in the distance now. No one pursued me. As I walked on, the cramp abated and my breathing slowly returned to normal.

  All my muscles ached for rest. When I could no longer see the underpass behind me, I sat down for a moment, right in the middle of the deserted highway. There was a clear view from here. I scanned in all directions. Nothing. Satisfied that I was alone, I lay down and looked up at the stars while my breathing slowed. The night was silent, save for the chirping of distant crickets. I would hear it if anyone approached. My muscles relaxed and my breathing returned to normal. I looked up into the vista of blackness strewn with tiny blue diamonds. My eyes fell on the constellation of the Big Dipper. The North Star was somewhere near it, but I had forgotten which one it was. Sailors used the North Star to guide their ships by. I wished I had a North Star to follow. What was I guiding my life by? Love, I decided finally, was what would guide me. Real love, loyal and kind, not the thing people called love, which was really just selfishness. Love would be the North Star in my life. The cement beneath my back felt like a soft mattress to my weary body as my breathing slowed further and my eyelids drifted closed.

  A sound nearby jolted me awake. I scrambled to my feet in a panic. It was still night. There, right in front of me, was a man who had been taken by the darkness. Fear filled me with adrenaline as I faced him.

  With only five feet separating us, I knew I couldn’t get away. He was taller than me. If he attacked, he would catch me for sure. He wasn’t quite as tall as Dennis. He might have been older but it was hard to tell, his unkempt mane shrouding his features in the darkness. The man snarled, saliva frothing on his chin. The wind blew the hair from his face for a moment, revealing unnatural black eyes in the light of the full moon. Even the whites of his eyes were black. It was like that with all whom the darkness had taken. He lurched towards me.

  When I was a child, my father had told me never to run from an aggressive dog but to shout loudly at it instead. “Stop!” I shouted loudly. “You stop right there.”

  The man faltered for a moment and looked confused. Perhaps they had chased me, like a pack of aggressive dogs, because I had run.

  But this was no dog. Maybe I could reach him with my words. Maybe he would understand. “This is not who you are. You are a man, not a wild beast. This is not who you are!” The man staggered back and then slumped to the ground. This was my chance! If I ran now, I could outrun him, I was pretty sure. The guy wasn’t even looking at me anymore. But I didn’t want to run. I was through running from darkness. And something in the way his shoulder slumped called to me. He looked sad. Was a human conscience still in there?

  I knew that love was the greatest force in the universe. Speaking more gently, I said, “We can be friends. You don’t have to be alone anymore.” What on earth was I saying? How could we be friends?

  He writhed on the ground and slammed his fist into the pavement.

  “It’s not too late,” I said softly. “You can be free of the darkness, too.”

  The man moaned and reached his hand up towards me.

  “Come on then. We’ll walk together. It’s almost dawn.” I took a step away and waited for him to follow.

  At first, he crawled after me, dragging himself over the cement. I walked slowly, encouraging him to follow with kind words spoken in soft tones. Was I only leading him to his death? They always hid during daylight. Perhaps the light would kill him. Dennis had told me that, once, he had seen some men in white spaceman-like suits tie one of them to a tree. When daylight came, it died. The thought made me sad. But to see the light would be better than to live in the clutches of darkness like this, no matter what the result. And it was his choice. He could run away if he wanted to.

  The grey light of pre-dawn appeared in the sky. He did not run. No more running. Whatever his fate, I would share it. I stopped and reached down to help him up. His obsidian eyes stared up into my face. I realized with shock that it was Bryce! He reached up and took my hand. I was infected now, too. It took all my strength to remain upright as Bryce pulled on my hand, struggling to his feet. I could already feel changes starting to happen in my body. Darkness began to crowd in at the edges of my vision.

  We stood there looking at each other, my hand still in his, as the sun came up over the horizon behind me. Bryce cried out and stiffened as the light rays hit him. Screaming, he fell backwards, pulling me down to the ground beside him. He shook violently, releasing the grip on my hand. Gently, I stroked matted hair from his face. I felt pain in my abdomen and my eyes as the sun warmed my back.

  “At least we’re not alone,” I murmured. “And it’s better to be in the light.”

  Bryce lay still, his black eyes open to the ever-brightening sky, seeing nothing. Tears flowed down my cheeks even as my own pain diminished. The blackness faded from the whites of his eyes and his irises resolved to brown.

  He gasped, taking a ragged breath. He blinked and turned towards me. Slowly, his eyes focused on my face. “The darkness…” his voice was rough from disuse. “The darkness comes out!” His hand fumbled over mine and then he clutched my fingers, relief filling his eyes with tears. “Cara…thank you.”

  “I thought you might die from the light,” I said, smiling gently down at him. “I thought we both might die. But the light saved us.”

  “It wasn’t just the light. It was your kindness…your love that guided me. You helped me find the light.” Bryce sat up, blinking away the tears, a confident determination coming over him. “Now we know that the darkness comes out, we don’t have to be afraid. Maybe we can help the others.”

  I stood and helped Bryce to his feet. “I like the way you think. I’m done running from the darkness.”

  ***

  Feeling hopeful and determined, I woke to the view of the sterile white room of the clinic. Then a sudden panic gripped my heart. But what about Dennis? Was he okay? I mean I know it was only a dream but it was unsettling. He would never kill himself, would he? That didn’t fit with his personality.

  When I got to school that day, before classes started, I went out of my way to walk down the hallway to where Dennis’s locker was. He was there, leaning against the wall, talking with some
girl. I didn’t think he saw me looking so I turned around and went back the way I’d come. Dennis is fine. See, it was just a dream. But somehow, still, I felt that the dreams I dreamed now carried more weight than before I had become a Dreamer. But at least Dennis was all right. I was glad he wasn’t dead, even though he didn’t care about me and we weren’t friends. And what about saving people from the darkness? Hmm…I didn’t know how to do that. Too bad I didn’t really have Bryce on my side.

  Chapter 9 – Everything Changes

  My final year in high school passed quickly. I never bothered to learn to drive. Mom wasn’t interested in teaching me and I liked to spend my time dreaming, anyway. During the time I spent trapped in school, I pondered my dreams and waited until I could dream again. Dennis and I never spoke. I came to believe it was for the best, except during weak moments of loneliness when I missed him.

  I graduated high school. It didn’t really mean anything to me. But I decided to attend prom anyway. Mom said it was a rite of passage.

  I was wearing a pale blue dress and sitting alone at a candle-lit table, set with fancy place settings. Tables were arranged around a dance floor in the dimly lit room. Why was I here again? Oh yeah. A rite of passage. Prom night. I shouldn’t have let Mom talk me into this. Looking around, I saw people talking together in small clusters, a sea of unfamiliar faces.

  I had lost all my friends, not that I’d ever had many close friendships. I saw Dennis across the room. Our eyes met for a brief moment. My heart soared in spite of myself. Would he come over and talk to me? But he just looked away. He put his arms around a girl who was standing with him. She giggled but didn’t pull away. Probably his girlfriend. My heart turned to lead. I tore my eyes away. Seriously, why did I even care? My gaze came to rest on Bryce and I found him looking at me. He smiled and started walking in my direction. Yikes! I was glad I hadn’t been in any classes with him this year. Play it cool, I told myself. Don’t let on that you dream of him practically every night! He was wearing a tux that fit him perfectly. He probably owned it, rather than having rented it. He was way out of my league, in every way.

  He reached the table were I was sitting and looked down at me. “Hi.” His voice was deeper than I remembered.

  I swallowed hard. “Hi.” There. I sounded normal. Good.

  “Mind if I sit with you for a while?”

  “Suit yourself.”

  His face soured a little and he sighed. I had said the wrong thing. Just because I was playing it cool didn’t mean I had to be mean to the guy. I felt like kicking myself under the table.

  He sat down anyway. “So, how have you been lately?” he asked.

  “I’m doing well.” I replied with my standard answer.

  “Still working at…that place?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How are you liking it there?”

  “It pays well. I enjoy what I do.”

  “You look really pretty.” Thankfully, his eyes rested only on my face, sparing me the discomfort of a once-over leer.

  “Thanks.”

  “After supper, there’s going to be dancing. Do you want to dance with me then?”

  “I don’t dance. I’ll be leaving right after the food.”

  “Oh. Then I’ll try to trade spots with someone so I can sit with you during dinner.” He smiled.

  I felt I could drown in his deep brown eyes. “Sure. Okay.”

  He smiled and sauntered away. What was happening? Bryce was paying attention to me in a nice way. Maybe this was one of my dreams after all. In a few minutes, he came and sat down beside me. He told me about how his life was going, about the modeling jobs he was scoring. He had even acted in a couple of commercials and had landed a bit part in a movie.

  “I know it’s only a matter of time until I’m playing the lead role in movies.”

  “I’m happy for you, Bryce.”

  He scrunched his face. “I still go by Blaze.”

  “Oh, right. Blaze. Sorry.”

  Dinner was served. Lukewarm chicken breast and over-cooked veggies. The baby potatoes were good, though. And it was better than what I helped myself to at home, which was mostly cereal these days.

  Partway through dinner, Dennis stood up and called the crowd to attention. “Hey, everyone! I have something important to say!” He pulled his girlfriend’s hand and she stood up too, looking surprised. Then Dennis knelt before her and pulled something from his pocket. He opened a ring box and held it up to the girl. “Will you marry me?”

  She gasped and put a hand over her mouth. Then she reached for the ring. “Yes!” Dennis took the ring from the box and gave it to her. She slipped it onto her finger. Dennis stood quickly and flung his arms around her. I tried to feel happy for them but couldn’t manage it. But I wouldn’t let myself cry.

  The plates were cleared away and dessert and coffee were served. Bryce was still talking but it was hard to pay attention. I didn’t want to be there anymore.

  “The dancing is going to start soon,” said Bryce. “Can I dance with you?”

  “I told you, I don’t dance.”

  “I could teach you.” He smiled.

  I almost said yes. But wait…What was happening? Was Bryce trying to put the moves on me? I couldn’t let that happen. He wasn’t a good guy. I shouldn’t let him get too close. Couldn’t let myself fall under his spell. What was his game anyway?

  “Why? Why did you sit with me anyway? We’re not really friends, are we?”

  “You’re pretty. I saw you looking at Dennis and you looked lonely, so I thought…”

  “Don’t,” I interrupted him. “I’m going home.” I stood shakily, turned and strode away from him. But I didn’t go home. I almost never went there anymore. I went to the beach and stood under the dark sky, looking up at the stars. I prayed. I believe in you. But I feel so lost and scared and alone. What’s your plan for me?

  You’re not alone and you won’t be alone. Don’t be afraid. You’re going to do what I’ve made you for. And you’re going to like it!

  ***

  Later that summer, I saw Dennis’ wedding photos on social media. I wasn’t being a stalker; really I wasn’t. His bride looked pretty and happy. I didn’t want Dennis anyway.

  I got another big raise. I was making $500 an hour now. But I didn’t tell my mother. I kept giving her the same amount. I sponsored some orphans in Uganda and I gave a lot away to different projects that helped poor people in our city.

  My father died. I felt guilty that I didn’t grieve but it was like all the grieving had already been done, like he had already left us several years before. He had been sick a very long time.

  Rain fell from a grey sky on the day of my father’s funeral. We looked into the coffin before the service started. Mom and Mathew cried. I didn’t. Mom whispered to me fiercely that I should show some grief.

  “Don’t you even care?”

  But Dad was in heaven now, so I knew he was okay. I would miss him, but I had already come to terms with his absence over the last three years. I had not been allowed to visit him much and, for the last couple of years, he just wasn’t the same. It was like he’d already gone. Mom glared at me when I didn’t say anything but I was pretty sure that whatever I said would only make things worse. And I was unable to cry on demand. Poor Mom. She had really loved him. But I couldn’t wish him back, not even for her sake. He had gone home - to the place where there would be no more sickness, no more suffering. I was glad he was finally able escape all this pain. He would suffer under darkness no more but look on the face of Love, eternally. In a way, he was the lucky one.

  The pastor spoke about redemption and we sang Amazing Grace. After the service, we ate crackers and cheese with the guests in the reception hall. Everyone came by our table and told us how sorry they were for us. Mom performed admirably. I was just quiet.

  At the graveside, they lowered his coffin into the ground. The pastor said a few words. Then we threw roses down on top of the coffin but no dirt. I h
ad never been to a funeral before. I found the ceremony odd and futile. Dad wasn’t there anymore. What was the point of it all?

  Dad’s funeral took away one evening’s dreaming. I made up for it the next day; I dreamed away almost 24 hours at one time.

  The day after that, I moved out. I didn’t tell Mom until I was all packed up, just ready to leave. She was sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper, when I told her.

  She put the newspaper down and looked from me to my suitcase. “This seems a little sudden.”

  “I’ve already found a place to rent. An apartment near the clinic.”

  “You’re an adult now. Guess it makes sense you would want to live on your own. You’ll need to keep back a portion of the money you make, I suppose? It really is poor timing, with your father’s funeral expenses still coming in.” I’d seen how she’d been living lately. I was pretty sure she was doing all right.

  “I got a raise so I’ll be able to keep paying you the same amount.” I didn’t bother to tell her that what I was giving her now was less than a quarter of what I was earning.

  “Oh.” I could see the wheels turning in her mind. She was wondering how much I was making. But, in the end, she thought better of asking. “I hope you’ll have your brother over sometimes. He’ll miss you.”

  “Sound’s great.” Right. Sure. She really cares about our relationship. More like she was just looking to get some time to herself. “Sure. I’ll invite him over some Saturday when I’m not working. The building has a pool. So we could have some fun together.” But, in reality, Matt and I had come to like communicating via text. We chatted regularly through our phones. So that wouldn’t change. We were closer now than ever before.

  “Good. Well, bye then. Hope everything works out for you.” She looked back to her paper, dismissively.

  Everything I owned fit into one suitcase. I lugged it to the door. No tearful goodbye. No hug. Well, no surprise there. She didn’t even offer to drive me. Guess I’ll be taking my luggage on the bus. I pulled the suitcase through the doorway and closed the door quietly behind me. I waited at the bus stop for fifteen minutes. It was a sunny day in early autumn. The bus pulled up and I bumped my suitcase up the stairs. I sat in the first empty aisle seat, near the middle of the bus. During the ride, I got a few curious stares, mostly from old ladies and kids. That was one of the benefits of living in a large city. Usually nobody looked at anyone. The unwritten rule of city life - mind your own. Suited me just fine. I had always been an introvert. Since school had ended, I rarely even saw real people anymore. But that was okay. I was already tired. Ready for my next cycle at the clinic.