100 Not Out

  Sport And Leisure

  EMILY'S DRIVING TEST

  Emily winced.

  The driving examiner getting into the passenger seat was the dreaded "Pink Dragon", so-called because she was (a) pink and (b) a dragon. Despite desperate efforts to control her flaming breath with peppermints, she'd already torched seventy-eight cars, each time prematurely ending the candidate's chances of success.

  The test proceeded quietly, the dragon calling instructions through the open window. Then, half-way through, she called for Emily to preform the required sudden emergency stop, always a risky moment for dragons. Emily braked hard; the dragon screamed in fright.

  That made it seventy-nine. But Emily got her entry fee back.

  WINTER OLYMPICS, 2022

  Because nobody could afford to host the 2022 Winter Olympics, the newly-independent Scotland had agreed to step in to fill the gap. Running the entire event using Skype, Wie and Dance Mats, none of the competitors even had to leave their native lands.

  Sadly, the host nation were as useless as ever, claiming their first gold medals only on the last day. From living-room armchairs in front of their televisions, they won both men’s and women’s curling gold medals, beating Canada in the final each time.

  Next day the Scots were all disqualified, testing positive for a banned substance: Irn-Bru.

  THE KILLING FIELDS

  They stood to attention, in massed serried ranks. They were perhaps a little green, but there was unity in strength and they were developing fast. Already, it felt as though they had a good hold on their position.

  They hadn’t counted on the electric monster about to be unleashed on them. They heard it first – a great roar from their left, then their right, then their left again – before they saw it. And by the time they saw it, it was too late.

  When the mower had gone, row upon row lay fallen, decapitated.

  Perhaps they’d fare better next week.

  DEMI ON THE CATWALK

  Demi appeared confident as she marched down the Milan catwalk, but she was worried. She’d spotted it on each of her four previous forays to the end of the stage, and back, too. It really shouldn’t have been a problem, but now the lighting had been darkened to show off her dazzlingly-sequined dress.

  Then it happened. Her stilleto heel went straight into the tiny hole left in the floor by a careless set-constructor. At first she tripped to an abrupt halt, then the ultimate nightmare – the heel sheared off completely, leaving her feeling as naked as the day she was born.

  THE BEGINNINGS OF GOLF

  The discovery that dinosaurs played golf rocked the world of palaeontology to its very core.

  Scientists believe that golf really became popular in the Jurassic era. Clubs were made of bone; balls were mostly fashioned from lava, although meteorite-balls were all the rage amongst the velociraptor jet-set. Courses rarely featured water, but desert was common; almost all championship golf took place near erupting volcanos. Dinosaur golf was dominated by "The Big Three": Diplodocus, Brachiosaurus, and of course, Tyrannosaurus.

  Sadly, a catastrophic event – perhaps an asteroid hitting Earth – wiped out almost all golfing dinosaurs. Only those that found shelter in the old clubhouses survive today.

  THE OPEN GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP

  There was – by Plutonian standards – great excitement as the Plutonian Golf Open Championship approached. Golf was relatively new to the planet, developed initially for Neptunian holidaymakers.

  However, ten years previously sponsors funded an annual Plutonian Open, and this year the whole planet was buzzing with excitement over rumours that the new Earth wunderkind, Jordan Spieth, was going to take part. Success on Pluto would complete the Solar Grand Slam, and crowds lined up in the streets to await his arrival by the spaceship New Horizons.

  There was therefore great disappointment when the craft flew on past the planet without landing...

  PUTTING FOR FOUR

  Nearly eighty, Mike played golf daily. But golf brought torments: he simply couldn't putt, wrecking scores with frequent missed putts.

  One morning he announced to everyone, "I'm terminally ill, boys. Cancer."

  "That's terrible," his friends cried

  "Don't worry," Mike said, "I've got years left yet. Apparently I'll die of something else first."

  Just then, he tapped in a short putt. "That's a – "

  "FORE!" The shout from behind was too late – Mike was killed instantly.

  The funeral was well-attended. At Mike's request, his ashes were buried in a hole on the 18th green. They missed trying to pour them in.

  ADDICTION

  He came through the door of the living room carrying the foil-wrapped package she craved so badly. She felt her pulse quicken in anticipation of the coming hit.

  He held it in front of her, just out of reach.

  “Bastard,” she yelled. “Give it here!”

  “Cash on delivery. That cost me money,” her supplier said slyly. Power. She threw some cash at him, snatched the package, unwrapped it greedily.

  Within seconds, the effects coursed through every part of her.

  Then: guilt. As always, she swore she would make this her last time. But she knew chocolate was winning the battle.

  EXTRA-HOT MINCED BEEF CURRY

  This is a recipe I've tried myself.

  Dry-fry six ground cloves, a stick of cinnamon and a half-teaspoon of ground cardamom in a saucepan until the mixture smokes.

  Then add some sunflower oil to the smoking spices and a finely-chopped onion. Sauté slowly until soft, then add 500g minced beef, stirring until browned. Add 2 teaspoons ground coriander and fenugreek, one teaspoon each of ground cumin, garlic powder and turmeric, a half-teaspoon each of ginger and chilli powder, some tomato puree and a little salt. Add 300ml beef stock.

  Leave over a low gas to cook. Forget about it for six hours then call the Fire Brigade.