100 Not Out

  Christmas

  READY FOR SANTA CLAUS

  She was convinced that Santa Claus was an illegal immigrant, a terrorist and that his sack contained a bomb with which to blow up everyone up. She also believed he was a muslim, of which his long white beard was proof.

  But our hero didn’t lack courage, no! On social media she fearlessly posted capitalised rants demanding Santa’s repatriation. She’d be READY AND WAITING when he came.

  On Christmas Eve, she waited for him in the dark. Just after midnight, a hooded figure slipped down the chimney.

  But the hooded figure wasn’t carrying a sack, he was carrying a scythe.

  CHRISTMAS MARK II

  Abandoned long ago by judgemental friends and family, a heavily-pregnant young woman arrived one night in a little village. Those few passers-by who noticed her wandering around assumed she was drunk. No-one offered help, far less accommodation.

  She found shelter in a large overturned communal dustbin, and that night somehow gave birth to a baby girl. As the baby suckled, her mother said to her, "Cheer up, love, this is as good as it gets. Perhaps the next life's better."

  They found out soon enough; a severe night-time freeze carried them both off. But they were together to the end.

  BREAKDOWN

  Santa was unable to deliver parcels, and this time it wasn’t a fairy story, it was for real. For the first time ever, he had to call the emergency rescue services.

  “It’s Blitzen,” he explained. “He’s gone lame – I think it’s his long-standing arthritis. Whatever, the sleigh’s pulling to the left badly and we’re literally going round in circles. We can’t get south of Helsinki.”

  Eventually, the rescue service turned up, looking suspiciously like a polar bear. In no time, it had solved the problem by eating both Blitzen AND Donner.

  The sleigh was going straight again, Santa was happy.

  A POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR ONE OF THE BIBLE’S GREAT LATE ARRIVALS

  Three wise men were waiting patiently for the trans-desert express.

  Jimmy said, “Thankfully we’re old enough to get free travel nowadays, boys. The cost of the fares is skyrocketing.”

  “What’s your gift?” Tam asked. “I’m taking chocolate coins wrapped in gold paper.”

  “Frankinsence deodorant,” Jimmy replied. “You, Willie?”

  “Myrrh baby lotion.”

  Suddenly, they were blinded by a dazzling light in the sky. Fumbling vainly for their spectacles, they realised too late that their bus was sailing past their stop - without them.

  “Damn,” said Jimmy. “When’s the next one?”

  Willie checked the app on his mobile. “Twelve days from now.”

  INTERNET DATING AT CHRISTMAS

  It all seemed so promising to start with. We'd met through www.findmyperfectpartner.com and we seemed so suited, despite the fact that we lived thousands of miles apart.

  Then, around Christmas, gifts started to appear, each arriving on successive days ordered from Amzon*. At first it was just a series of birds – well, you can always eat them – apart from five bits of bling that came one day. But suddenly the gifts became bizarre: eight milkmaids, then some men and women seemingly on amphetamines.

  Then, one morning, pipes and drums smashed out beneath my bedroom window. Our brief romance was over.

  NATIVITY SCENE No.1

  “Sure you got the address right?” asked Bally. He and Caz were getting irritated.

  “Stable Lane,” snapped Mel.

  “Lotta money riding on this, Mel,” Caz said, threateningly.

  “I’m doin’ my best. Even Land Rovers have to go easy towing caravans.”

  “I ain’t losing to hicks on foot.”

  “They’re not on foot,” Bally said. “Those guys are professional shepherds – they use quad bikes.”

  Caz cursed. “Well we’ve got your sat-nav. They’ll never find that Travelodge in Bethlehem.”

  Suddenly, Bally pointed skywards. “What’s that? Sure is bright.”

  Mel gasped. “That’s the International Space Station. They’re following that!”

  Caz cursed again. “That’s cheating.”

  APPLICATION FOR POST WITH AMZON

  WHAT SPECIAL APTITUDES, EXPERIENCE AND QUALIFICATIONS MAKE YOU SUITED TO THIS POSITION?

  I have many years' experience in worldwide retail deliveries and distribution, mainly self-employed. I can maintain inventories, and match customer demand request forms accurately, even in quite high volume situations. I am used to working under pressure and am prepared to continue doing so, including undertaking night shift work where necessary. I have considerable experience of managing a transport fleet.

  I have a Level 5 qualification in Reindeer Care.

  WHAT SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS MIGHT YOU HAVE FROM US?

  Pension scheme.

  OTHER RELEVANT INFORMATION

  Currently laid off until December 2015.