The $30,000 Bequest, and Other Stories

  AMENDED OBITUARIES

  TO THE EDITOR:

  Sir,--I am approaching seventy; it is in sight; it is only three yearsaway. Necessarily, I must go soon. It is but matter-of-course wisdom,then, that I should begin to set my worldly house in order now, so thatit may be done calmly and with thoroughness, in place of waiting untilthe last day, when, as we have often seen, the attempt to set bothhouses in order at the same time has been marred by the necessity forhaste and by the confusion and waste of time arising from the inabilityof the notary and the ecclesiastic to work together harmoniously, takingturn about and giving each other friendly assistance--not perhaps infielding, which could hardly be expected, but at least in the minoroffices of keeping game and umpiring; by consequence of which conflictof interests and absence of harmonious action a draw has frequentlyresulted where this ill-fortune could not have happened if the houseshad been set in order one at a time and hurry avoided by beginning inseason, and giving to each the amount of time fairly and justly properto it.

  In setting my earthly house in order I find it of moment that I shouldattend in person to one or two matters which men in my position havelong had the habit of leaving wholly to others, with consequences oftenmost regrettable. I wish to speak of only one of these matters at thistime: Obituaries. Of necessity, an Obituary is a thing which cannot beso judiciously edited by any hand as by that of the subject of it. Insuch a work it is not the Facts that are of chief importance, but thelight which the obituarist shall throw upon them, the meaning which heshall dress them in, the conclusions which he shall draw from them,and the judgments which he shall deliver upon them. The Verdicts, youunderstand: that is the danger-line.

  In considering this matter, in view of my approaching change, it hasseemed to me wise to take such measures as may be feasible, to acquire,by courtesy of the press, access to my standing obituaries, with theprivilege--if this is not asking too much--of editing, not their Facts,but their Verdicts. This, not for the present profit, further than asconcerns my family, but as a favorable influence usable on the OtherSide, where there are some who are not friendly to me.

  With this explanation of my motives, I will now ask you of your courtesyto make an appeal for me to the public press. It is my desire thatsuch journals and periodicals as have obituaries of me lying in theirpigeonholes, with a view to sudden use some day, will not wait longer,but will publish them now, and kindly send me a marked copy. My addressis simply New York City--I have no other that is permanent and nottransient.

  I will correct them--not the Facts, but the Verdicts--striking out suchclauses as could have a deleterious influence on the Other Side, andreplacing them with clauses of a more judicious character. I should,of course, expect to pay double rates for both the omissions and thesubstitutions; and I should also expect to pay quadruple rates forall obituaries which proved to be rightly and wisely worded in theoriginals, thus requiring no emendations at all.

  It is my desire to leave these Amended Obituaries neatly bound behindme as a perennial consolation and entertainment to my family, and as anheirloom which shall have a mournful but definite commercial value formy remote posterity.

  I beg, sir, that you will insert this Advertisement (1t-eow, agate,inside), and send the bill to

  Yours very respectfully.

  Mark Twain.

  P.S.--For the best Obituary--one suitable for me to read in public, andcalculated to inspire regret--I desire to offer a Prize, consisting ofa Portrait of me done entirely by myself in pen and ink without previousinstructions. The ink warranted to be the kind used by the very bestartists.