The $30,000 Bequest, and Other Stories

  A HUMANE WORD FROM SATAN

  (The following letter, signed by Satan and purporting to come fromhim, we have reason to believe was not written by him, but by MarkTwain.--Editor.)

  TO THE EDITOR OF HARPER'S WEEKLY:

  Dear Sir and Kinsman,--Let us have done with this frivolous talk.The American Board accepts contributions from me every year: then whyshouldn't it from Mr. Rockefeller? In all the ages, three-fourths of thesupport of the great charities has been conscience-money, as my bookswill show: then what becomes of the sting when that term is applied toMr. Rockefeller's gift? The American Board's trade is financed mainlyfrom the graveyards. Bequests, you understand. Conscience-money.Confession of an old crime and deliberate perpetration of a new one;for deceased's contribution is a robbery of his heirs. Shall the Boarddecline bequests because they stand for one of these offenses every timeand generally for both?

  Allow me to continue. The charge most persistently and resentfullyand remorselessly dwelt upon is that Mr. Rockefeller's contribution isincurably tainted by perjury--perjury proved against him in the courts._It makes us smile_--down in my place! Because there isn't a rich manin your vast city who doesn't perjure himself every year before the taxboard. They are all caked with perjury, many layers thick. Iron-clad,so to speak. If there is one that isn't, I desire to acquire him for mymuseum, and will pay Dinosaur rates. Will you say it isn't infractionof the law, but only annual evasion of it? Comfort yourselves with thatnice distinction if you like--_for the present_. But by and by, whenyou arrive, I will show you something interesting: a whole hell-fullof evaders! Sometimes a frank law-breaker turns up elsewhere, but I getthose others every time.

  To return to my muttons. I wish you to remember that my rich perjurersare contributing to the American Board with frequency: it is moneyfilched from the sworn-off personal tax; therefore it is the wages ofsin; therefore it is my money; therefore it is _I_ that contribute it;and, finally, it is therefore as I have said: since the Board dailyaccepts contributions from me, why should it decline them from Mr.Rockefeller, who is as good as I am, let the courts say what they may?

  Satan.