The $30,000 Bequest, and Other Stories

  INTRODUCTION TO "THE NEW GUIDE OF THE CONVERSATION IN PORTUGUESE ANDENGLISH"

  by Pedro Carolino

  In this world of uncertainties, there is, at any rate, one thing whichmay be pretty confidently set down as a certainty: and that is, thatthis celebrated little phrase-book will never die while the Englishlanguage lasts. Its delicious unconscious ridiculousness, and itsenchanting naivete, are as supreme and unapproachable, in their way,as are Shakespeare's sublimities. Whatsoever is perfect in its kind, inliterature, is imperishable: nobody can imitate it successfully, nobodycan hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect, it must and will standalone: its immortality is secure.

  It is one of the smallest books in the world, but few big books havereceived such wide attention, and been so much pondered by the grave andlearned, and so much discussed and written about by the thoughtful,the thoughtless, the wise, and the foolish. Long notices of it haveappeared, from time to time, in the great English reviews, and inerudite and authoritative philological periodicals; and it has beenlaughed at, danced upon, and tossed in a blanket by nearly everynewspaper and magazine in the English-speaking world. Every scribbler,almost, has had his little fling at it, at one time or another; I hadmine fifteen years ago. The book gets out of print, every now and then,and one ceases to hear of it for a season; but presently the nations andnear and far colonies of our tongue and lineage call for it once more,and once more it issues from some London or Continental or Americanpress, and runs a new course around the globe, wafted on its way by thewind of a world's laughter.

  Many persons have believed that this book's miraculous stupiditieswere studied and disingenuous; but no one can read the volume carefullythrough and keep that opinion. It was written in serious good faith anddeep earnestness, by an honest and upright idiot who believed he knewsomething of the English language, and could impart his knowledge toothers. The amplest proof of this crops out somewhere or other upon eachand every page. There are sentences in the book which could have beenmanufactured by a man in his right mind, and with an intelligent anddeliberate purposes to seem innocently ignorant; but there are othersentences, and paragraphs, which no mere pretended ignorance could everachieve--nor yet even the most genuine and comprehensive ignorance, whenunbacked by inspiration.

  It is not a fraud who speaks in the following paragraph of the author'sPreface, but a good man, an honest man, a man whose conscience is atrest, a man who believes he has done a high and worthy work for hisnation and his generation, and is well pleased with his performance:

  We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him, andfor her typographical correction) that may be worth the acceptation ofthe studious persons, and especially of the Youth, at which we dedicatehim particularly.

  One cannot open this book anywhere and not find richness. To prove thatthis is true, I will open it at random and copy the page I happen tostumble upon. Here is the result:

  DIALOGUE 16

  For To See the Town

  Anothony, go to accompany they gentilsmen, do they see the town.

  We won't to see all that is it remarquable here.

  Come with me, if you please. I shall not folget nothing what can tomerit your attention. Here we are near to cathedral; will you come inthere?

  We will first to see him in oudside, after we shall go in there for tolook the interior.

  Admire this master piece gothic architecture's.

  The chasing of all they figures is astonishing' indeed.

  The cupola and the nave are not less curious to see.

  What is this palace how I see yonder?

  It is the town hall.

  And this tower here at this side?

  It is the Observatory.

  The bridge is very fine, it have ten arches, and is constructed of freestone.

  The streets are very layed out by line and too paved.

  What is the circuit of this town?

  Two leagues.

  There is it also hospitals here?

  It not fail them.

  What are then the edifices the worthest to have seen?

  It is the arsnehal, the spectacle's hall, the Cusiomhouse, and thePurse.

  We are going too see the others monuments such that the publicpawnbroker's office, the plants garden's, the money office's, thelibrary.

  That it shall be for another day; we are tired.

  DIALOGUE 17

  To Inform One'self of a Person

  How is that gentilman who you did speak by and by?

  Is a German.

  I did think him Englishman.

  He is of the Saxony side.

  He speak the french very well.

  Tough he is German, he speak so much well italyan, french, spanish andenglish, that among the Italyans, they believe him Italyan, he speakthe frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishesmen believe himSpanishing, and the Englishes, Englishman. It is difficult to enjoy wellso much several languages.

  The last remark contains a general truth; but it ceases to be a truthwhen one contracts it and applies it to an individual--provided that thatindividual is the author of this book, Senhor Pedro Carolino. I amsure I should not find it difficult "to enjoy well so much severallanguages"--or even a thousand of them--if he did the translating for mefrom the originals into his ostensible English.