Craving Absolution

  “Hell, no. What a fuckin’ headache. Didn’t mind where I was at, but I did want Carmella to be happy,” he answered with a shrug of his shoulders. “Why don’t ya put the baby down? She’s sleepin’.”

  My heart started to thump hard in my chest as I reached down to check Cecilia’s diaper. “She’s wet. I need to change her first or these cloth diapers give her a rash,” I told him calmly, welcoming the way my old mask slid into place.

  “Well, change her then,” he snapped, irritated.

  “Hey, Cam? Can you hand me a diaper? The ones at the bottom that you need pins for,” I told him, meeting his eyes for the first time since his dad had forced him to look at me. “Don’t forget the pins.”

  He nodded slowly and reached down to grab the diaper bag off the floorboard, then I turned away from him and focused on Tommy.

  “Did Trish ever use cloth diapers?” I asked conversationally, rubbing Cecilia’s back lightly.

  “Nah, she used the disposable ones. Less mess that way,” he answered, eyeballing Cecilia’s cloth-covered bottom. “You make those?”

  “No, you can buy them in the store,” I replied, staying focused on him as Cam moved around in the backseat.

  Tommy leaned forward to grab the gun from the dashboard, and my stomach lurched into my throat. “You have to wash them and shit? Seems like that’d be pretty—”

  His words stopped short as a loud bang filled the car, the scent of cordite and blood filling the air as I watched blood explode from Tommy’s throat and splatter all over Cecilia and my naked chest. His eyes met mine and went blank a second later.

  My head swung to Cameron as Cecilia let out a bloodcurdling cry. He was sitting in the backseat, his face filled with horror, and my .45 lying limply in his hand.

  “Out!” I shouted, my breath wheezing in and out of my chest. “Out of the car!”

  I fumbled with the door handle, finally grasping it and practically spilling out of the car as the door opened. Black spots danced in my vision.

  You can breathe. Your body is just playing tricks on you. You can breathe.

  I wheezed, falling to my knees as I held Cecilia close to my chest. Holy fuck. Oh God. Cameron.

  When I’d directed him to grab the diapers, I’d prayed that he’d find my handgun hidden at the bottom of the diaper bag. As I’d held Tommy’s attention, I’d waited for Cam to hand me the thick flat diaper, hoping the gun would be hidden in the folds.

  Christ. I’d never expected him to shoot his dad. God, I would have never asked that of him.

  “Farrah!” Cameron yelled, racing around the car to me. “Are you okay?”

  Tears rolled down his face and his hands were shaking as he set the gun down next to me. “I-I’m sorry!” he said and sobbed. “I didn’t know he was gonna do that, I swear!”

  “Oh, buddy, no,” I said, wheezing as I reached out to grab his hand while Cecilia wailed between us. “This was not your fault. Are you okay?”

  I searched his face and arms for signs of any damage, then caught him as he wrapped his arms around me and the baby.

  “I didn’t know what to do!” he wailed into my shoulder, snot and tears running down my back. “I didn’t know what to do!”

  “You did exactly right, bud. You did exactly what you had to do.” I spoke softly, reassuring him as Cecilia found my nipple and eventually quieted. “But we need to get out of here, Cam. We can’t stay here.”

  “Oh!” He leaned back and gasped. Then his face turned as red as a tomato, and he whipped his head to look in the opposite direction. I guess he realized I still didn’t have a shirt on.

  “Here, take this,” he called over his shoulder, ripping his plain black T-shirt over his head.

  I caught it as he flung it at me, then glanced around, trying to find a place where I could put the baby. “You’re gonna have to hold CeeCee,” I said, tapping him on the back as I used the shirt to cover my breasts. “Here, I’m covered and she’s sleeping.”

  He turned back toward me, avoiding my eyes as he gently took Cecilia into his arms, then immediately turned away again. “Your panic attack stopped.”

  “Huh,” I said, pulling the sweaty T-shirt over my head. “Well, don’t bring it up again or it’ll sure as shit come back. Okay, I’m covered.”

  He turned to me and we stared at each other silently, kneeling in the middle of the gravel-covered clearing. “You have your phone?” I asked.

  “Yeah! Yeah, it’s in my pocket. Casper called and I texted him back,” he replied, handing me his phone.

  “You did? What did he say?” I opened up the phone to three new texts from Cody, and tears filled my eyes. Thank God.

  “He wanted to know where we were and if we were okay.”

  I nodded and pulled up Cameron’s recent call list, hitting the contact for Casper before bringing the phone to my ear.

  “Hey, baby,” I whispered. “It’s me.”

  Then I burst into loud, gut-wrenching sobs.

  Chapter 47

  Casper

  “Where the fuck are they?” I roared, throwing my chair across the room after Doc left.

  We’d been waiting on word for an hour, practically climbing the fucking walls. When Doc had finally heard back from his contact, we found out it was a dead end.

  No properties were registered to Tommy. None. Even the house he’d been living in before the fire had been rented. Motherfucker.

  Brenna had been the first old lady to show up, but Callie and Vera had been right behind her, followed by more women that I barely knew but belonged to brothers in the club. Eventually Gram and Lily had come racing in too, their faces anxious.

  The entire club was waiting on news, and we still hadn’t heard anything.

  “You need to calm down, boyo,” Poet called from across the room. “You start losin’ your head, and we’re gonna get nowhere.”

  “How the fuck am I supposed to—”

  My phone rang in my pocket, and I fumbled to fish it out. Cameron. Thank fuck.

  “Cameron?” I answered, catching the attention of the brothers waiting throughout the room.

  “Hey, baby,” Farrah whispered back. “It’s me.”

  My knees hit the floor as she started sobbing, and my head grew light from both relief and worry.

  “Are you okay? Are Cam and Cecilia okay?”

  “Yeah,” she choked out. “We’re fine.”

  I nodded to the room, and heard Gram start crying in relief.

  “Where are you, baby?” She sobbed harder into the phone and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. “Ladybug, I need you to calm down. I can’t understand you, baby.”

  My fingers went to my eyes and dug in, fighting back the moisture there. Thank God. Thank God.

  “I don’t know where we are.” She hiccupped. “We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere.”

  “Okay, okay.” I motioned to Slider and he came jogging across the room, his keys jingling where they were connected to his belt.

  “Where’s Tommy?” I asked Farrah as Slider reached me.

  “He’s dead,” she whispered back, and the relief made me dizzy.

  “We need the cops in on this,” I told Slider, covering up the phone with my hand. “Tommy’s dead and Farrah has no fucking clue where they are. We could search for days on our own and never find them.”

  “She have the car?” he asked.

  “Can you drive out of there, baby? Maybe find the highway?” I asked, uncovering the phone.

  “I—I can’t. He’s in there.” She hiccupped again.

  “Okay, baby. That’s fine.”

  “No car,” I mouthed to Slider. He gave me a nod and pulled out his phone.

  “We’re gonna call the police, Ladybug. Okay? They should be able to figure out where you’re at with cell phone signals, but it’s gonna take a while.” Frustrated, I ran a hand through my hair. I wanted her home with me now.

  “We don’t have coats, Cody,” she told me quietly. “It’s going to c
ool off before too long.”

  “Fuck, baby.”

  “I’m going to get Cam and start walking,” she informed me, her voice growing stronger. “I think I remember where to go. I’ll get as close to the highway as I can. Maybe we’ll see someone.”

  “Ladybug, I don’t know if you should be moving around,” I warned her, the panicky feeling invading my gut again. “You could get lost worse, or hurt.”

  She was silent for a few moments, and I held my breath waiting for her reply.

  “I’ve got two kids out here, handsome. I don’t have the luxury of waiting for the cavalry.”

  Fuck.

  “I hear you,” I replied quietly, climbing to my feet. “How much battery’s left on Cam’s phone? Where’s yours?”

  “Cam’s phone has like fifty percent left, and I’ve got no clue where mine is. I think it may be in the front seat of my car.”

  I didn’t ask why she couldn’t look for it.

  “I’m going to hang up for now,” she said, sniffling again. “I need to get us ready to go. I’ll call you again when we hit the next road, okay?”

  It killed me to do it. I fucking hated that she’d be out there alone and I’d have no idea what was happening or where she was, but I knew we had to conserve the phone battery.

  “Okay, Ladybug. Give CeeCee a kiss for me and let me know when you’re on your way. Okay?”

  “All right. Love you.”

  “Love you too, so much.”

  I held the phone against my ear for a full minute after she hung up, refusing to let go of the connection between us.

  “Cops are on their way!” Slider yelled on his way out the front door. “Casper, Grease, and Goliath, let’s go meet them at the front gates!”

  With no other choice, I was forced to drop the phone from my face and follow after him.

  Chapter 48

  Farrah

  “Okay, dude, I’ve got a plan!” I called out to Cameron, who was still sitting on the ground with a sleeping Cecilia in his arms. “We’re going to start walking.”

  “We’re going to walk home?” he asked incredulously, wiping tears from his face as I got closer.

  “Hell no,” I replied, holding my hand out to him and pulling him to his feet. “We’re gonna walk until we find a main road, or find something so we have a point of reference for the guys to come get us.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, but first, I need to get some shit from the car.”

  His eyes gaze from me to the car and back again, and his face turned pale. “Do you want me to do it?” he whispered.

  “No.” I shook my head. “I’m just going to grab CeeCee’s sling and her diaper bag, and then we’ll be out of here. You don’t go near the fucking car.”

  He was nodding before I’d ever finished speaking.

  “Okay.” I nodded back. “Go wait for me on the road. I’ll be right there.”

  I moved toward the car, my stomach churning with dread. Don’t look, Farrah. I kept my head down as I opened the back door, swallowing hard as the smell of Tommy’s body filled my nose. Fuck. I reached through the door to Cam’s side, the car closing in on me as I grabbed the diaper bag off his seat and the sling off the floorboard.

  I pulled myself out and took a deep breath, catching sight of my purse strap hanging through the space between the front door and the driver’s seat. Shit. I needed my fucking purse.

  Decision made, I slammed the back door shut and moved toward the front, taking a deep breath before opening my door and reaching for my purse.

  “What are you doing?” Cameron called anxiously, causing my head to jerk up until I was facing Tommy’s dead body. His eyes were still open.

  I pulled the purse out and slammed the door, vomiting on the ground beneath my feet. Fucking gross.

  “Let’s go!” I told Cameron as I reached him, slipping the sling over my head and then reaching for Cecilia. “You get the gun?”

  He nodded, watching as I got Cecilia settled. “Okay, make sure the safety’s on—”

  “It’s on,” he replied without hesitation.

  “Then put it in the diaper bag. Can you carry it?”

  He nodded again, slinging the bag over his shoulder as we started down the road.

  “I’m sorry, bud,” I said quietly after we’d been walking for a while. “You didn’t deserve this shit.”

  “How can you say that?” he replied, his angry eyes turning toward me. “I went with him. I got in the car with you knowing that something was wrong and I didn’t say anything!”

  “Cameron, you’re twelve years old and your dad outweighs you by like a hundred and fifty pounds. What in the fuck do you think you could have done?”

  “I could have told you that someone needed you inside the club! I could have said I had a stomachache so Dad had to take me back inside! I could have tripped and hit my head on your car so I was bleeding and you would have had to take me back inside!”

  “You’ve been thinking on this a while, huh?” I asked, stepping around a pothole in the road.

  “Since we pulled through the gates,” he mumbled quietly.

  “Dude, if you would have stopped him today, your dad would have just waited for another chance,” I argued. “Maybe without you there to have my back.”

  He went silent.

  We walked for hours, stopping only to change Cecilia—I was down to one last diaper—and so Cameron could pee. When we finally came to a road, I called Cody.

  “Hey, baby. We just hit a road, but I have no idea what it’s called.”

  “Okay, Ladybug. Cops are on their way. They figured out where you were at before, so they should be showing up pretty damn soon. You okay?”

  “Yeah, we’re tired and Cecilia’s on her last diaper, but we’re good.”

  “Slider’s grabbing a van and we’re headed to you. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  “Can’t wait. Love you.”

  “Me either. Love you too.”

  I stuffed the phone back in my pocket and turned toward Cameron.

  “Cops are on their way,” I told him, watching his face sag in relief.

  We’d only walked maybe a mile more when I saw police cars in the distance, and we stopped on the side of the road.

  “Careful what you say, Cam,” I warned him as the cars got closer. “Your dad kidnapped us and held us at gunpoint. We don’t know why. Right?”

  “Right,” he answered, taking a step closer to me as the cars rolled to a stop fifty feet from us.

  “Farrah Miller?” the cop who was driving called out as he climbed out of his car and stood behind the door.

  “Yeah, that’s me.” I took a step forward, and Cameron moved with me when all of a sudden we had four guns trained on us.

  No, they were trained on Cameron.

  “Hands where I can see them!” the same cop yelled, startling both Cameron and me into movement.

  “Now, step away from the woman,” he ordered.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I screamed back, moving with Cameron as he tried to step away.

  “Ma’am, we need you to stop what you’re doing so we can do our job!”

  “Fuck you!” I screamed, then wrapped one arm around Cecilia at my chest and flung the other in front of Cameron. “Get your guns off my boy!”

  Cameron’s head whipped toward me as I moved closer to him.

  “Excuse me, ma’am?” The cops looked confused, but they didn’t drop their weapons.

  “Get your guns off my son, or I swear to God I’ll cause such a fucking stink not one of you will be able to flip burgers at McDonald’s when I’m done,” I growled, finally coming to a stop with Cameron directly behind my right shoulder.

  “Your son?” the cop repeated, lowering his weapon to our feet.

  “That’s what I said,” I yelled back, my heart racing in my chest as Cameron laid his hand against my back.

  “Lower your weapons,” the cop ordered, looking around to his men. “Ma’am, we we
re led to believe that you’d been kidnapped?”

  My body sagged in relief.

  It was over.

  Chapter 49

  Farrah

  By the time we got back to Cody that night, Cecilia was getting a rash from the drugstore disposable diapers the police had provided, Tommy’s body was being located and the scene examined, and someone had given Cameron a shirt to wear.

  I’d cried when Cody finally showed up with my dad, and though he’d never admit it, I think he did too.

  The cops were still calling Cameron my son, and neither Cody nor Slider corrected them as we left the station. It didn’t matter, anyway. The case was pretty cut-and-dried kidnapping and self-defense, and even if they’d tried to do anything with Cameron they would have failed. Grease was Cameron’s godparent—Trisha had left a will.

  The men had brought a minivan to come pick us up, and as I cuddled next to Cody in the backseat on our way back to Eugene that night, I filled them in on all the things we’d learned from Tommy. They were in complete shock, but as I told them more, they seemed to start putting it all together. Later, Cody would tell me it was like the missing puzzle piece that answered a bunch of questions they’d had about the Portland deal. I didn’t ask what the questions had been. Frankly, I just wanted to put it all behind me.

  It took hours to say hellos and good-byes at the club, everyone wanting to hug us and make sure we were okay, and by the time we were driving home in Gram’s car, I was ready to drop.

  “I’ll get some pillows and blankets for the couch,” I told Cameron quietly, looking over Cecilia’s new car seat that was buckled in between us. “We’ll find a new place soon so you can have your own room.”

  “I don’t mind the couch,” he answered anxiously.

  “Dude. You’re not going anywhere,” I told him firmly. “You belong with us, okay?”

  “Yeah.” His voice was almost inaudible.

  “You sure you want to stay with us?” I asked. “Because seriously, dude. If you’re staying, you’re staying. You can’t go crying to Grease if I yell at you for leaving the toilet seat up.”

  A small smile lifted the corner of his mouth. “I’m sure,” he replied.