The Other Side of Envy

  I held my breath. Gabriel finished putting his shirt on and then grabbed a pair of shoes and followed Victor out. Victor pulled the door behind them, but left it open a sliver.

  I sat up and creeped toward the door to hear. I was dying to know. I couldn’t help it. Gabriel was upset and lashing out at Victor. Did I do something wrong?

  “Is everything okay with you?” Victor asked. His baritone carried through the crack in the door to me.

  “I can’t compete with this,” Gabriel said, grumbling. “You’re already smart and play music, isn’t that enough? Do you have to throw money every time you want to make her happy?”

  I eased myself over to the piano bench, curling up on it and sitting carefully to not make a sound. I hunkered down, like the piano could hide me.

  Victor made a few sounds. “What are you talking about?”

  “Luke and I brought her to see this other Academy group,” Gabriel said. “A team with four dogs and one bird.”

  Dogs? I realized he meant Lily and her team, but I hadn’t realized there were terms that separated boys and girls. I was a bird? Or just members of the teams were considered birds so Lily was a bird?

  “Really?” Victor asked, sounding more enthusiastic. “You found them? North said he had talked to them but I wasn’t sure if I could or if it would...”

  “He told you?” Gabriel asked. “North did?”

  “Yeah,” Victor said. “Mr. Blackbourne knows. North and Mr. Blackbourne went first. They talked to me later...”

  The revelation shook me. Silence stretched between the boys. I imagined Gabriel was as shocked as I was to learn Mr. Blackbourne and Victor had known about this. Mr. Blackbourne went first…he knew from the beginning?

  He hadn’t told me?

  There were footsteps, shuffling, like Gabriel was walking away, but then he came back. “This is bullshit. They knew and didn’t tell us?”

  “They were waiting to tell everyone,” Victor said. “How did you find them?”

  “Luke,” Gabriel said. “Said he overheard North talking to them on the phone. No one ever told us? And Sang? You all were fucking around behind her back like that?”

  “We’re not. It’s just...hard to accept. And Mr. Blackbourne didn’t want to tell others until he was sure you all were ready for it.”

  “So he just didn’t tell us? I thought we told each other everything.” Gabriel made a noise, a grumble. “Look, I’ve got to go save her ass again.”

  “I’ll look out for her,” Victor said.

  “You know,” Gabriel said loudly, and then quieted as he went on. “I thought today maybe I had a chance, but you should see her face when you show up, or when you talk about your music, or offer to do things for her. And to top it all off, you’re spending money on her to take her to the spa. To places I can’t afford to take her. It’s bad enough a guy like me has to work to get her attention at all.”

  “You’re crazy,” Victor said. “You’re full of talent. She adores you.”

  “I’m the poor dog from the wrong side of the tracks who’s got nothing to offer her except...well...a drawing, a song or a bottle of perfume. Fuck me, that’s shit. You play for her at concert halls. You could smuggle her to Paris for the weekend in a snap. The others are smarter or stronger.” He grunted and then there were more footsteps walking away down the hallway.

  “You’re wrong, Gabriel,” Victor called, still by the bedroom door. The footsteps stilled. “You’ve got more talent than the rest of us put together.”

  “Not enough of the right talents. Not shit that makes her eyes light up just by talking about it.” Gabriel said and moved down the stairs, his footsteps fading away.

  “Hang on,” Victor said, following to the stairs and down, when I couldn’t hear any more.

  My heart was in my throat, too afraid to beat and have Gabriel hear. The center of my body shook, like when you’re way too tired to sleep but can’t, rattling my bones where I sat.

  My eyes drifted down to the piano keys. They were a blur, and the more I thought about what Gabriel had said, the more they blurred behind tears. This was worse than them getting into a jealous fight over who I kissed. I never knew Gabriel to be envious of anyone, let alone Victor and the others. Victor was right, while the others were talented, Gabriel was very much just as talented, if not more. Just in his own ways.

  He was Gabriel. How could he not see that? I didn’t care about going to the spa. I did it for Victor the first time. I wanted to go again, with Victor and with any of them that wanted to. As long as they enjoyed it. Not because of the cost, but just to spend time with them.

  I messed things up somehow. If I smiled at one a little more, they squabbled. The dream of what Lily had, of her and her guys living in that house together, now seemed like a fantasy. I couldn’t picture it for myself the way I had before.

  It couldn’t happen. They already fight now and they’re living apart. This fight was about me. There’d be more. I wasn’t sure how to help. I couldn’t smile at Victor without Gabriel getting jealous. How many other small things did I do that would make the others fight like that? No wonder North had kept this to himself. Maybe he was curious about Lily and her idea, but maybe he knew that it wouldn’t work. So he kept it to himself instead of dropping the idea into our heads, raising our hopes, but also changing how we’d been thinking.

  I pressed my face to my knees, curling up tighter on the bench, simply trying to hold myself together. The other alternative was scarier than seeing them fight. How else could we stay together? Or maybe it wasn’t possible. Maybe I needed to separate myself so they wouldn’t fight. Could I ever?

  Something Lily mentioned to me came back: that I’d have to make a choice, and the Academy would encourage me to try other teams. I could see why the Academy would make such requests. The complicated road I faced now was daunting, and I feared in the end more hearts would be broken than saved. If the guys quarreled over simple things, there was no way they could stick together as a team. I was derailing their lives, their goals.

  A calm hand on my back jolted me, making my head snap up.

  Victor stood beside me. His wavy hair hung over his eyes, the fire in them simmering low. “Are you okay?” he asked in a hushed whisper.

  I swallowed and nodded. He’d walked so quietly, or I’d been so absorbed in my own downward spiral of thoughts that I hadn’t heard him come in.

  He sat down next to me, facing the piano. His fingers smoothed over the keys, but he never pressed on them. “Did we wake you?”

  I thought of lying, but I couldn’t do it. I nodded, quietly, slowly. I kept my eyes on his long, lean fingers.

  Silence fell between us. Slowly, as if unable to stop himself, Victor started to play. He played quietly, as quietly as one could play a piano. It was a gentle tune, one I wasn’t familiar with, but it reminded me of sunlight, meadows and fresh air.

  “Gabriel mentioned you went to see another Academy group today,” Victor said.

  There was a pause and I expected him to say more, but then realized he was more asking than he was talking.

  “Yes,” I said, unsure where to begin, but I had questions for him, too. “You knew about them?”

  “Only through North and Mr. Blackbourne telling me about them,” he said. His hands glided over the keys, light, soft. If anyone was sleeping in the house, it would put them into a deeper sleep; the lure of a lullaby.

  “What did they tell you?” I asked quietly.

  “What did you discover there?” he asked at nearly the same time.

  I picked my head up, reflexively smiling that we’d spoken together.

  He laughed, the fire in his eyes sparking. “Mr. Blackbourne intended to talk to you about it eventually. I think he was more concerned you’d be frightened.”

  I didn’t have an answer for him. I was more frightened of hurting Gabriel’s feelings at this point. He was out there somewhere now, trying to protect me and Victor by luring Mr. McCoy away.

&nb
sp; “What did you find out?” Victor asked. The song he played became even softer.

  “I found Lily,” I said, unsure where to start.

  “The girl?” he asked. “I didn’t know her name.”

  “I talked to her,” I said. “I even got her phone number.”

  “That’s nice of her to talk with you,” he said. He started swaying slightly as he played the music.

  I sat with my knees close to my chest, watching his fingers drift over the keys, barely pressing to make the sounds. “She said I should talk to her about... everything.”

  “I want to tell you to go ahead, but I’ve never met her.” He reached over in front of where I was sitting, playing a few keys close to me. “Mr. Blackbourne and North have. You could ask them...if you want to know if they’re okay to talk to. I can’t see a reason why they’d say no, though. They’re the ones helping us out.”

  “Helping us to stay together?” I asked. “Somehow?” I knew. I just wanted confirmation from him that we were on the same page.

  “Is that what you want?” he asked quietly.

  I didn’t have an answer for him. I was scared. If I told him I did, would it hurt his feelings? Gabriel’s reactions had me second-guessing everything I said and did.

  There were many more considerations than I had originally pictured after Lily showed me what was possible.

  “What do you want?” I asked quietly.

  His playing slowed considerably, and some notes took so long for him to press, that it seemed he’d stopped completely.

  His eyes, however, lit up into a tender flame, breathing, alive, but frail somehow.

  Suddenly, he stood up, the keys stilled without him playing. He paced the floor behind the piano bench. His fingers twisted into his brown, wavy hair, tugging. “It’s horrible, Sang,” he said. “The plan, I want to. I mean, I would rather do that. Really. When it boils down, I want what Mr. Blackbourne is suggesting. It’s not my gut reaction when I think of it, though. My first instinct, every time, is to ask you to come with me. Just me.”

  “Where?” I asked quietly.

  His hands reached out to me, open, palms up. “Anywhere,” he said, his tone desperate. “France, Italy... Everywhere. Anywhere you wanted.” He slowly pulled his arms in, until he’d folded them over his stomach. “I tell myself it’s how I’d get you away from this crazy life. Like McCoy. Or your parents. Only that’s not completely true.”

  I waited quietly, my heart beating so loud in my ears, I was sure he heard it, too. I pulled my arms in slightly, inside the big shirt of Silas’s, to warm myself in it. I clenched my jaw to keep myself from saying anything to stop him.

  “I’m no better than Gabriel,” he said, remaining still now, standing over me with his arms crossed. “I secretly think if I pull you away from the rest of the group, that somehow...it’ll change how you feel about me. That maybe you’d like me better.”

  “Victor,” I said, wanting to find words to convince him that liking him better wasn’t going to work. I cared about him. I cared about Gabriel. It hurt thinking I could wound them just by sharing affection or smiling at the others. “I don’t want to make anyone else mad.”

  “You can’t control people’s feelings,” he said. He unfolded his arms and moved to sit on the bench, turning his body toward me. “We aren’t trying to. We can’t do that to you. Mr. Blackbourne repeats it constantly. We can only see where your heart is when we’re showing you who we really are. The only person who can make this decision, really, is you.”

  “It’s your choice, too,” I said. It seemed wrong that I had the burden of making the decision for the rest of them.

  “Yeah,” he said and shifted to look at the keys on the piano. The flame in his eyes flickering. “We all have a choice to make. And you might change your mind later, anyway.”

  “Victor...” I couldn’t imagine choosing now, let alone thinking I might change things down the road.

  “All we have is now,” he said quietly. He turned more until he was upright like before, his hands moving to the keys. He started playing again, the same meadow and sunshine song like before, picking it up where he left off, like he couldn’t start playing a song without finishing it. “Maybe we’re all idiots. Maybe North is delusional about this working out. All I know is, I care about them, and I care about you. I just never thought it was possible...”

  “Lily did it,” I said. “I don’t know how they managed.”

  He picked his head up, looking at me, not needing to look at the keys as he continued playing. “What was it like there?” he asked.

  “She had a library,” I said. “On the mantel, was a set of pictures. It was her and the four other men that lived in the house. The house was out in the woods, hidden from view from neighbors. They live together.”

  “All in the same house?” he asked.

  I nodded. “It was big enough, possibly big enough for more people. I only saw part of the downstairs.”

  He pushed at a few keys that were near me, until his arm brushed near mine. In some way, it reminded me I could touch him. I leaned a bit into him as he played, seeking out warmth, like the fire in his eyes could spread toward me.

  “Were they happy?”

  “They keep the outside world out,” I said quietly. “They talked to us, but I don’t think they get many visitors. She seemed happy.”

  “But they were in a bubble,” Victor said.

  I nodded. It was that isolation that made it feel like a fantasy world. I hadn’t realized it until now. It felt like a dream, too unrealistic to replicate.

  Victor smiled, tilting his head until his cheek rested on the top of my head, nestled in my hair as he continued to play. “I know how much you love being in a bubble.”

  “I didn’t dislike it,” I said. “When I was sitting in the library, I couldn’t help picturing us like that.”

  He got to the end of his song and the keys stilled on the last note. He remained quiet until the note faded. “Sang,” he said softly.

  “It’s not normal, Victor,” I said in the same soft tone. “It’s why they hide away. It’s why their house looks scary on the outside. To keep other people out.”

  He turned toward me, and I pulled myself away to look at him, at his eyes, the flames now burning much brighter than before.

  “It wasn’t enough to scare you away,” he said. “And you felt comfortable there?”

  I nodded. “I was a little scared at first.”

  “I live in a house where I can’t step outside without the world watching,” he said, his head low and so close that I felt a wisp of his breath across my skin as he spoke. “But the only opinions I care to hear about come from you. And the others.”

  “The Academy...they won’t understand,” I said, which was part of what we were worried about. Even if we did manage to make it work, we’d have to convince them. We couldn’t just hide ourselves away.

  “The Academy did once. Lily did it,” he said. “And the Academy will accept it, but only if we’re happy with it.”

  “They’ll want me to join another team.”

  He reached out, putting his arms around my shoulders, pulling me in.

  I slid my head down against his shoulder, breathing in the fading moss and berries scent that was his.

  “They only want what will make you happy,” he said. “You have to remember that. The Academy isn’t made up of bad guys telling us what to do. That’s not what they’re about.”

  “Then why would they ask me to?” I asked. “Lily said they would.”

  “It’s complicated,” he said. “It’s a forest for the trees point of view they’ve got. We’ve got the inside view, but they’ve got the outside view. But their goals are to make sure we’re happy when we’re together. So we’ll hang on to each other and stick together. It’s the only way a team really works, when we’re all happy with every part. Ours is a bigger team than most as it is, so they’re very careful with us.”

  “So I’ve got to prov
e to them that we need to stay together?”

  “You don’t have to prove it. You just have to believe it.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  He pulled back and this time he cupped my face in his hands. His eyes blazed as he gazed at me, the fire drawing my attention. His thumb traced my cheek. “You said you wanted what she had?”

  I started to nod, but his hands kept me still. “Yes,” I said quietly. “But it feels like I shouldn’t. Like it’s selfish...”

  “What if I wanted it, too?” he asked. “What if we all did?”

  I wanted to answer, but couldn’t. My teeth clenched. I drew my lip in and bit it gently.

  His eyes drifted down to my mouth. “You can’t control how we feel,” he said quietly. “You just have to be honest with what you want...with how you feel...” His voice drifted, like the song he played, slowly fading.

  My heart was in my throat, beating the tiniest thumps. My breath stilled. I think I whispered his name, but the sound never reached my ears.

  His head drifted closer.

  I instinctively closed my eyes.

  His fingers slid over the base of my head, like sliding across the keys, tilting my head slightly toward him.

  His lips fell against my mouth.

  We were still for the longest moment. I kept expecting him to move his mouth like Dr. Green...like Silas...like Gabriel.

  He puckered slightly, but that was it. Gentle. Treading softly.

  Like he needed to know it was okay.

  I summoned up courage, and opened my lips slightly, pushing myself into the kiss. I did it like Dr. Green did before. Easy.

  At first, Victor was stiff. But then slowly, and just as I started to pull back, he started to respond. He mimicked what I did.

  I wondered if he’d ever kissed anyone before. It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that maybe I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t been kissed before. We were all the same age, but somehow it felt like the others were more experienced.

  I held onto the thought, and then slowly, like Silas had shown me, I moved my head a bit and opened my mouth.

  Victor responded quickly this time. My arms moved up, around his neck. His hands dropped down to my waist, pulling me in closer.