Out of the Shallows

  “I’m sick and tired of waiting,” he said. He gently took hold of my arm and started to pull me away from the table. “We need to talk.”

  “Jake.” I tugged out of his hold, drawing us to a standstill. He glowered back at me and I returned the look. “Don’t you dare try to haul me out of here.”

  “We’re going to hash this shit out once and for all and if I have to throw you over my shoulders, I will.”

  “Is there a problem here?”

  Oh shit.

  Ty had come out from behind the bar and now we had an audience.

  Jake stood in front of me, blocking Ty’s view. “This is none of your business. She is none of your business.”

  “Jake.” I tugged on his shirt, outraged by this behavior. “Stop acting like a Neanderthal.”

  “I’m pissed off,” he snarled, looking over his shoulder at me with fire in his eyes.

  “Well, I’m pissed off too!” I yelled back.

  “Maybe you could take being pissed off outside,” Ty suggested.

  “No problem,” Jake said as he grabbed my hand and dragged me toward the exit.

  I let him because by now, I was uncomfortable with the audience and I also didn’t want witnesses when I murdered him. “What the hell are you doing?” I said as soon as we were out the door. I vaguely noted that Claudia and Beck didn’t follow.

  “What am I doing?” Jake drew to a sudden stop, turning around on me. “What the hell are you doing?”

  Before I could answer he started walking again, refusing to let me go. We both seethed as we marched the five-minute walk back to the motel. Jake let us into his and Beck’s room and I wrenched my hand away.

  “This is ridiculous,” I huffed. “We’re acting like five-year-olds.”

  Jake slammed the door shut. “I’m not the one flirting with a freaking bartender.”

  “Hah! No, you’re just the one,” I stabbed a finger at him, “flirting with boots with all her hair and tan skin.”

  Jake looked confused for a moment and then his expression turned grim. “That’s what this is about? I was talking to that girl? She was flirting with me. I didn’t encourage it. But you saw what you wanted to see, didn’t you, Charley. So you decided to flirt with the bartender to get back at me. Very mature.”

  “Mature? We’re talking about maturity? You just blew up at me in a bar for talking to another guy.”

  “I’m not the one who broke things off!” he yelled, his chest heaving as he grew breathless with anger. “I get to flirt with other girls. But I haven’t! I haven’t touched a single girl since you left me because I can’t let you go! And I fucking hate you for it, Charley!”

  I flinched, unbearable pain radiating from my chest—it was like he’d punched his fist through it.

  “But do you know what I hate more?” he said quietly now, his voice hoarse.

  I shook my head, battling the tears that were fighting to fill my eyes.

  “I hate how much I still need you,” he whispered.

  I didn’t know which one of us moved first.

  One minute I was standing by the door and the next I was in Jake’s arms as he crushed his mouth down over mine.

  I also don’t know what happened to me in that moment. For months I felt like my life had been suspended—I wasn’t moving in any direction. Moreover, I was struggling with the constant confusion and my mixed-up heart and emotions over the choices I’d made. Giving into Jake may have been wrong but just then, it was a choice I understood, it was a choice that felt good, simple…

  More than that, I felt alive again.

  We undressed one another, frantic, desperate… our movements hurried with frustration and longing. We didn’t take our time at all. We were naked and then we were on the bed and then Jake was inside me.

  Together we came hard and fast.

  And I didn’t have time to regret it because Jake pulled me back under the spell I’d let us cast over ourselves. He kissed me slow, leisurely, tasting me as if he’d never get the chance again. I kissed him back just as deeply, holding onto him for dear life, my fingers curled in his thick, dark hair that was longer now since the last time I’d touched it.

  Jake kissed his way from my lips, across my jaw, down my neck…

  I sighed, feeling the heat build inside me again as his lips touched me everywhere. When his lips wrapped around my nipple, I gasped, arching into him. He licked my nipple, coaxing it into a tight bud while he stroked his thumb over my other one.

  Delicious pressure was building between my legs.

  “Jake,” I gasped, my breathing shallow as the heat flooded my entire body.

  He took his time—butterfly kisses down my stomach, fingertips gently stroking my breasts, across my ribs, as he moved down.

  Jake looked up at me from under his lashes and I felt another insistent tug at my core. “Do you want my mouth?”

  My breath hitched and I moved my legs apart. “Always,” I whispered before the insistent voice in the back of my head could stop me—could stop any of this.

  At the first touch of his tongue, I nearly came off the bed. It felt like years since we’d last had this. I parted my legs even wider, my pants increasing in volume as Jake licked me, played me, until the pressure inside me was close to exploding.

  And then he sucked on my clit and I split apart.

  I shuddered through my orgasm as Jake crawled back over me, his hands braced on either side of my head, his eyes searing into mine… He pushed inside me and I cried out at the sensation. He groaned deep in his throat as my inner muscles tightened around him and he began to thrust, slow, deep, and I felt the tension inside me start to build again. My fingers dug into his biceps as he strained over me and I arched under him, moving in rhythm against this new seduction.

  He wanted me to come again before he did.

  Sweat slickened both our bodies and Jake’s muscles strained with his effort to stay his own orgasm.

  Unconsciously, I dragged my nails down his arms as my climax approached. I stiffened and felt Jake’s thrusts speed up, his grunts of pleasure echoing in my ears and finally piercing through the tension.

  I cried out, my eyes rolling in a flutter as the intensity of this washed over me.

  “Jesus… fuck…” Jake’s words were guttural as I felt him stiffen. And then his hips jerked against mine as he came inside me.

  His weight pinned me to the bed as he collapsed. I stroked his hair with one hand while the other stroked his sweat-dampened skin.

  Slowly the power of our longing diminished enough for reality to sink in.

  My hands stilled.

  Jake tensed and then slowly lifted his head to look down into my eyes. “You’re going to tell me this was a mistake, aren’t you?” he said grimly.

  I don’t really remember how Jake and my friends got me out of the restaurant. Or how I got packed. Or how I ended up on a plane sandwiched between Jake and Claudia. It was like the world around me faded out, just a blur of color. There was no room inside me to concentrate on anything but getting to my sister and hoping I’d get to her in time.

  Claudia would tell me later when I asked for him that Jake went home to his parents rather than come to the hospital because he didn’t want to upset my family any more than they already were. I didn’t remember that. All I remembered was rushing into Northwestern Memorial, exhausted but somehow wired at the same time. It was a weird feeling. My body didn’t feel like mine. I felt like I was floating.

  My parents and Rick greeted me, hugged me. I remembered it because their expressions were the first thing since hearing the news that brought me into the real world, into the reality of what we were dealing with. The bleakness in my parents’ eyes, the desperation in Rick’s… it had me pushing past them into the hospital room.

  I’d stumbled, disbelieving the sight before me.

  Andie lay there. She seemed frozen beneath the tubes and the ventilator. It was almost like it wasn’t her. It was just her body.

&nbs
p; “What happened?” Claudia said.

  Sick with fear, I stepped tentatively toward my sister.

  “A taxi driver,” Rick said grimly. “Downtown. He had a heart attack at the wheel and crashed into the sidewalk. When he hit An—”

  I grabbed for my sister’s hand. It was cool, limp.

  “The impact threw her against a building,” Dad finished hoarsely when Rick couldn’t continue.

  I could hear Claudia’s gasp and the choked sounds of crying.

  The tears welled in my eyes as I stroked my sister’s hand and leaned over to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

  “The doctors said we can only wait for her to come out of the coma but there’s a chance…” My mom’s tear-soaked words trailed off.

  “There’s a chance she won’t wake up,” Dad bit out.

  The pain and guilt poured out of me and I pressed my forehead against Andie’s. “I should have been there,” I whispered. I should have saved you. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here.”

  A buzzing sound infiltrated the darkness and I jerked awake. I blinked a few times against the harsh lighting, the blur across my vision fading to reveal my unconscious sister in her hospital bed and Rick on the other side of it, opposite me.

  “Your phone,” he said quietly.

  I yawned and followed the buzzing sound—my phone vibrating on the bedside table. I tried to focus on the screen. “It’s Jake,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, he’s called a few times. You should call him back.”

  I frowned at Rick. “How long have I been out?”

  He shrugged. “You were out when I got here. That was a few hours ago.” His brows drew together in concern. “Charley, you should go back to our place with your parents. Get some sleep.”

  I was never going to get any real sleep until Andie woke up.

  Seven days.

  Seven long days she’s laid in that bed, breathing through a ventilator.

  “Charley.”

  I looked up from my sister’s face to Rick’s haggard one.

  “Go get some sleep.”

  “I just slept.” I shook my head.

  “Then call Jake back.”

  Wondering if perhaps Rick really just wanted some time alone with my sister, I nodded and grabbed my phone. “Do you want a Starbucks?” I noted his cheekbones looked a little sharper. I wasn’t the only one losing weight. “Something to eat?”

  “A coffee and a sandwich would be great.” He eyed me. “Get yourself something to eat too, before you fade away to nothing.”

  I reluctantly agreed and strode out of my sister’s hospital room. For a little while, I found myself wandering aimlessly as I clutched my phone. After the first long few days following Andie’s accident, when she showed no signs of waking up, somehow I managed to convince Claudia and Jake to return to Edinburgh to finish up their exams. It was difficult to bring them around, but since Jake didn’t want to cause trouble by appearing at the hospital, there wasn’t a whole heck of a lot he could do. And Claudia… well, I just… my focus was on Andie and I wasn’t able to give any other part of myself to anyone, which included reassurances to Claud that I was okay.

  I was far from okay, and I needed to be that way. I didn’t want to spend half my time lying to people about how I was coping when in all honesty, I was barely hanging on, but barely coping on my own was easier because I could do that without the pressure from other people to do better than barely hang on.

  Once a day Claudia would FaceTime to check in. That was beyond harrowing—to have to keep using the phrase, “There’s no change.”

  With Jake, though, it was even harder.

  My insides churned with guilt that Andie was lying in a hospital bed and I hadn’t spoken to her in months. The thought… the thought that she might die, that I might never have a chance to say another word to her after having spent the last few months choosing Jake over her and avoiding her…

  I leaned against the nearest wall to catch my breath.

  This was my fault. Andie’s accident. I knew that deep in my bones. Although there was some part of me that knew it wasn’t rational, I worried that somehow I’d interrupted fate all those years ago when I’d knocked Andie out of the way of Mr. Finnegan’s SUV. Was this fate’s way of punishing me?

  I didn’t know if that was true or not.

  What I did know was that I was definitely being punished for treating her so badly.

  And the reason for my falling-out with her… well, it was Jake. I couldn’t get that out of my head.

  Looking down at my phone, I fought the urge to smash it underfoot. I had to call Jake back or he would only keep trying.

  After making my way outside, I found a quiet spot.

  His face appeared on my phone screen and I felt a painful grip in my chest. Just looking at him made me feel a horrible mix of relief and shame.

  “Baby,” he said in greeting, his dark eyes filled with concern and love. “How’s it going?”

  I shook my head, looking away from the screen for a moment. “Same.”

  “She’ll come out of this, Charley. Andie’s strong. She’s a Redford.”

  Biting my lip to stem the tears, I shrugged loosely. “We’ll see.”

  “You’ve got to stay positive.”

  “I know.”

  “Charley? Charley, look at me.”

  I did as he asked, turning my head back to the screen.

  His expression was tender. “I can come back. If you need me, I can come home.”

  “No,” I said adamantly, my pulse racing just at the thought. “You have to finish up there. I… I’m better on my own,” I said honestly. “I feel like I don’t have to worry so much about worrying everyone else when I’m on my own.”

  “I get it,” he said and I knew that he did. “You’re not completely alone, though, right? Your mom and dad and Rick are there.”

  “Yeah, but… I guess we’re all dealing with it differently.” I didn’t even want to think about how much this had broken my parents. My parents had always been larger-than-life characters who could deal with anything life threw their way. But this… they seemed older, more fragile, and every time they looked upon Andie in that hospital bed, I could see another crack form in the armor they’d worn their whole lives.

  That scared me just as much as the sight of my sister in a coma.

  “I better get back,” I whispered, my throat constricting.

  “Okay, baby,” he said softly. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I hung up and stuffed the phone in my pocket.

  Okay, baby. I love you.

  I love you too.

  But I hate you too. I hate me too.

  Trembling, I sucked in a huge gulp of air and tried to calm myself. After a minute or so, I felt a little more together and walked back into the hospital.

  I’d barely left my sister’s side. The only time I did leave the hospital was to go back to Rick and Andie’s for a shower. My parents tried to get some sleep there, but I just couldn’t sit in that house. It was filled with Andie. Her pictures, her perfume, her things, her work, her clothes, and the funny refrigerator magnets she collected.

  I’d gone into the kitchen to get some orange juice and I’d stopped at the sight of the magnets. In the middle was the black and white one I’d found during my sophomore year at Purdue. When we were younger, my sister was obsessed with pirates. I’d never forgotten the many times I found myself sitting on a sofa cushion in the middle of my parents’ living room floor with my hands bound behind my back while my sister stood triumphant on the arm of the sofa, a patch over her eye. With that, she’d command her invisible crew to haul anchor and her ship (the sofa) would sail off, leaving me to die on deserted island (the cushion) for betraying her to the navy.

  The black and white fridge magnet had the words “To Err is Human, to Arr is Pirate” printed over a skull and crossbones. When I’d given it to Andie, she’d laughed so hard, she cried.

&n
bsp; At the sight of the magnet, I collapsed.

  My mom found me and held me while I let it all out.

  I’d refused to stay in that house for any longer than the length of a shower since.

  Returning to the hospital room with coffee and sandwiches for both me and Rick, I found him sitting close to Andie, holding her hand in both of his. When he heard me come in, he ducked his head and swiped at the tears I knew he hoped I hadn’t seen.

  Placing the coffee and sandwich down beside him, I didn’t offer him comfort or bring up his grief, because I think he needed to feel strong in all this. Rick wasn’t a stupid guy—he could see my parents were barely holding it together and I knew he felt some obligation to be strong for us all. It was no use attempting to convince him otherwise. It was just the person he was.

  I sat back in my chair and sipped at my coffee.

  “You better open that sandwich,” Rick said softly.

  He started to eat his slowly and I felt a pang in my stomach.

  I guess I was a little hungry.

  Nibbling at it, I listened to the sounds of the monitors around my sister.

  “She was mad at herself too, you know,” Rick suddenly said.

  I almost choked on the bite of sandwich as I sucked in air. After a sip of coffee, I asked, voice hoarse, “What do you mean?”

  “You’re not to blame for the argument, Charley. It happened. The two of you are stubborn.”

  “I should’ve called,” I said flatly. “I should’ve been here.”

  “‘Should haves’ only hurt you, kiddo. Don’t do that to yourself.”

  “Why? Aren’t you doing that to yourself?”

  We stared at each other a moment until Rick finally sighed and looked back at Andie. “I should’ve married her sooner. She wanted to get married right away. I should’ve done it.”

  After a moment of silence, I whispered, “I should have put her first.”

  “What?”

  I glanced up at Rick. “Nothing.”

  His phone rang and he excused himself. I took the opportunity to shimmy forward in my chair and clutch my sister’s hand. “I’m sorry I chose Jake over you, Andie. I’m so sorry.”

  I kissed her hand and screwed my eyes shut and for the first time in a long time, I prayed. I prayed that God could hear me… I prayed that if He could, I’d be repentant. My penance—If you save her, I’ll give him up. If Andie wakes up, I’ll let Jake go. I’ll choose her over him.