Out of the Shallows

  I hurried into the hospital, my hair damp, eyes heavy with lack of sleep. I always hurried back after a quick shower. I didn’t want to miss anything.

  We were on day fourteen.

  I felt hope sliding through my fingers, the tips grasping for purchase.

  “Charley!” My mom’s eyes were bright, brighter than I’d seen them in fourteen days, as she strode down the corridor from my sister’s room.

  “What? What is it? What’s happened?”

  “Andie started choking,” Mom said, her words rushed and excited. “She’s breathing on her own. She’s awake, Charley. She’s awake.”

  I burst out crying. “Awake?” I sobbed, overwhelmed by the relief flooding me.

  “She’s in and out.” Mom tugged on my arm, pulling me toward the room. “The doctor says it might take a day or two for her to come fully around. But she’s out of the coma.”

  I froze in the doorway of my sister’s hospital room, suddenly paralyzed with fear.

  I watched as Mom, Dad, and Rick hovered over her while the doctor spoke. The ventilator was gone and although her eyes where shut, Andie’s lids fluttered. She moved her head and emitted a small groan.

  I pressed back against the door, fighting the urge to flee.

  Andie was awake. She was going to make it.

  In amongst the relief I felt a wave of nausea, and I ducked outside the door to press my forehead against the cool wall.

  My bargain with God.

  I had to let Jake go somehow.

  Trembling, I took out my phone and called him. This time I didn’t use FaceTime.

  I told him Andie was awake. I ignored his relief. I ignored his love. I had to in order to say what I needed to say. I told him not to call me anymore. I told him it was over. And then I hung up and switched my phone off.

  I dashed into the nearest bathroom and made the toilet right as I threw up. After a while, I was just dry heaving.

  I gave Jake up for Andie and I didn’t even know if she forgave me. What if she hated me? What could I say?

  And worse… how could I face her when there was a darkness deep inside me that resented her and the choice I’d just made?

  I never did go into the hospital room again.

  During the first twenty-four hours, I hovered outside, looking in through the windows, ignoring my parents’ and Rick’s pleas to come inside and speak to Andie while she slept.

  The next day when Andie became cognizant, I did the same—hiding and peeking in when I was sure she wasn’t aware. The doctors said she had a recovery period ahead. She was a little dazed, confused, and although she recognized everyone, she couldn’t remember much before the accident.

  I hid out at Starbucks a lot and on the third day, Dad hunted me down to bring me to Andie.

  “I told her you were here,” he said, disappointment and annoyance in his eyes. He didn’t like the way I was behaving. Hiding from her. He didn’t understand.

  “Did she ask for me?” If she asked for me, I’d have to go to her.

  Dad frowned. “No.”

  “Does she remember the argument?”

  Dad scratched his unshaven cheek and looked away uncomfortably. “I think so.”

  “Then I’m staying right where I am.”

  A week later I returned home to Lanton with my parents without having spoken to my sister. I’d spied on her a lot as she sat talking to friends and family, but she’d had no idea I was there.

  Andie was recovering fast—she had some physical and mental therapy to go through, but the doctors were impressed with how well she was doing and Rick insisted he could take care of her.

  Mom and Dad had to get back to work, but they told Rick they’d come to Chicago every weekend until Andie was fully recovered. They seemed stronger back in Chicago. They seemed like themselves again.

  But when we returned to Lanton, I realized it was all a mask for Andie’s benefit. That fragility that had scared me so much reappeared. Mom started disappearing to the cemetery almost every day—it pissed me off. I thought it was morbid. I was helping Mom out in the florist a lot because she was so distracted all the time. She was constantly calling Rick or Dad for reassurances. I realized that she and Dad were both afraid that someone was going to tell them that Andie’s recovery was a sick joke—that any minute now, she’d close her eyes and never open them again. As for Dad, he didn’t talk to me much in those first few months.

  As far as he was concerned, I’d abandoned Andie as soon as she woke up.

  I hadn’t abandoned her.

  I just didn’t know how to face her, or deal with my conflicting emotions.

  I missed my sister. I missed Jake. So much, it hurt. Especially at night, when I’d lay my head on my pillow and I couldn’t think of anything else but how much I wanted my life to go back to the way it used to be.

  I argued with myself over and over that what I’d promised God… it wasn’t rational, I couldn’t be held to it. But what if…

  What if I accepted Jake back into my life, what if I made my family accept him into their lives, and suddenly, Andie’s eyes closed and they never opened again?

  It was a little better when Claudia finished up in Edinburgh and flew to Indiana to live with us. She eased my parents, lit them up in a way I couldn’t right now. She eased me too. I felt like I was forever on the brink of an argument with my folks, and Claudia always reminded me that they didn’t need to deal with my issues right now. So we suffered in stilted silence.

  The only time it broke was when I yelled at Mom for visiting the cemetery. I told her it was morbid and it creeped me out—like she was just waiting for something bad to happen to Andie.

  Mom told me calmly but with tears in her eyes that she was visiting her mom’s grave. “She’s the only one who would understand what I’m going through right now. I talk to her and I know she can hear and it gives me comfort.”

  At that, she’d walked out of the house and my dad said more than two sentences to me for the first time in weeks. He shouted at me for being self-involved and told me to apologize.

  I did. I tucked my tail between my legs and apologized.

  And then I promptly went online and found out what I needed to do to sit the LSATs in the fall. I’d upset my parents enough this year. It was time to do something for them—something selfless.

  Throughout the months Jake called, he texted, and part of me wished he’d move on, while the other half—the half that was utterly heartbroken—was selfishly relieved that he still loved me as much as I loved him.

  We were losing layers of clothing the farther west we traveled. It wasn’t too hot, but we’d driven from melting snow to clear skies and sunshine in a matter of days. Eleven hours after we left Laramie, Jake pulled into a motel in Elko, Nevada.

  It had been another quiet car journey. Jake was full of silent questions and I was…

  I was searching for me. The me who just said what was on her mind. Told it like it was.

  I wanted that me back, because maybe then I could be brave enough to give Jake the answers he was looking for, even if he thought I was crazy once I did.

  Beck got out to get us rooms and the three of us sat in the car in silence. Memories from last night had been replaying over and over in my head.

  “You’re going to tell me this was a mistake, aren’t you?”

  I stared into Jake’s eyes, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “Yes,” I answered honestly.

  We didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then Jake said, “Will you stay with me tonight at least?”

  Too selfish to say no, I’d stayed.

  A few hours later while I was sleeping in his arms, I was awoken by voices. Jake asked Beck to stay in Claudia’s room. I didn’t register it at the time because I fell right back to sleep, feeling warm and safe tucked into Jake’s side.

  The next morning, after dealing with the awkwardness of waking up next to Jake, I had to deal with even more awkwardness upon knocking on Claudia’s motel
door to get my clothes. Beck opened the door, eyes bright as he threw me a pleased grin before hurrying out. I noted the bed that should’ve been mine wasn’t slept in.

  My questioning gaze had flown to Claudia who lay in rumpled sheets, the covers pulled up to her chest, showing off bare shoulders. She looked flushed and flustered, just like I felt.

  I guessed I wasn’t the only one who’d thrown caution to the wind last night.

  “It finally happened, huh?” I said, a small smile playing on my lips.

  Claudia stared at me warily and nodded.

  I thought of Jake and the pain in his eyes when I left him this morning, compared to the happiness in Beck’s. I reassured my friend. “Don’t question it.”

  Claudia gave me a tremulous smile in return. “Thanks, Charley.” She glanced at the door. “So last night you and Jake—”

  “It shouldn’t have happened,” I cut her off as I grabbed my stuff and strode into the shower.

  That day on the road was a difficult one. Claudia and Beck were loved up in the backseat while Jake and I were… I didn’t know what we were.

  Beck came back with room keys but as soon as we pulled up to the motel, Jake turned to him and held out his hand. “I’ll take one of those keys.”

  “I’ve got ours, man.” Beck waved him off.

  “No. Charley and I are sharing tonight.”

  I gaped at my ex-boyfriend a little stupidly.

  “Uh…” From my peripheral I could see Beck turn to me, but I didn’t look back at him because I was still gaping at Jake in confusion. “Are you sure—”

  “Key, Beck,” Jake insisted.

  “I want to make sure Charley’s okay with that first,” Beck returned impatiently.

  Jake looked at me. “Well?”

  As we looked at one another, I dug deep for my courage. I knew why Jake wanted us to share a room. He wanted privacy because he wanted answers. He was done pretending he didn’t deserve them. Maybe before I could justify shutting him out, but last night I’d made a choice that had confused and hurt him even more. Jake deserved better than that. He deserved the truth, even if I was scared to share it.

  I suddenly heard his voice in my head, words he’d said not too long ago but now felt forever ago. “Come on, Supergirl. Be brave.”

  “It’s fine,” I told Beck quietly. “As long as Claudia’s okay rooming with you.”

  “Oh, I’m cool with that,” Claudia shrugged with fake nonchalance and I rolled my eyes at her. I could tell she was more than happy with this new arrangement.

  It was clear to me that Jake was beyond impatient to talk when he suggested we go to a McDonald’s drive-through and eat back at our room. By now I’d lost whatever appetite I had, but I was so used to pretending none of this affected me that I ordered a double cheeseburger.

  Just before Jake closed the door, I heard Claudia giggling happily as Beck let them into their room next door. Despite my own messy life, I was glad for her. I was relieved the experiences with her parents and biological father hadn’t scarred her permanently, hadn’t stifled her generous heart. She was giving Beck a chance, and I believed that chance might just save him from himself.

  They deserved the joy they’d found. I had to find time to tell Claud that because every time she looked at me, I saw guilt in her eyes, like she felt bad for being happy when I was more miserable than I’d ever been in my life.

  It was time to remind her that that wasn’t how real friendship worked.

  I chewed on a pickle as I watched Jake sit on the bed opposite me. He unwrapped his burger but he didn’t lift it to his mouth right away. Instead, he sighed.

  “What’s going on with you, Charley?” His dark eyes pierced through me. “And not just why you broke up with me… Everything. Because right now—this person you’ve become, it isn’t you. You know it isn’t you because your light has gone out. You’re somewhere dark right now and I’m worried sick about you.”

  Your light has gone out. It sounded so permanent. Like my light wasn’t switched off, but broken.

  Tears stung the back of my eyes and I took another bite of my burger to have something to concentrate on, something that would focus the tears away.

  Finally when I felt in control, I met his gaze. “I haven’t seen or spoken to Andie since before she woke up out of the coma.”

  That surprised him. “How? What… I’m confused.”

  And so I tried to explain.

  “You remember I was there every day while she was in the coma?”

  “Of course.”

  “Something… something happened to me when she woke up.” I shook my head, feeling the bottled emotion in me well up. “I tried to take a step into the hospital room but I just couldn’t. I felt paralyzed.” I dashed away a tear that slipped down my cheek. “And somehow I haven’t stopped feeling that way.”

  Jake leaned forward, his brows drawn together in concern. “Baby, paralyzed? Why?”

  “You’re not going to like that answer.”

  “Give it to me anyway.”

  I pushed my half-eaten food away and drew my knees up to my chest. “The whole time Andie lay in that hospital bed, breathing through a ventilator, I couldn’t shake the guilt. I couldn’t shake the fact that I hadn’t spoken to my sister—one of my best friends—in weeks… because of you.” Forcing myself to be brave, I looked at him. He’d grown pale with realization. “I didn’t blame you directly, Jake. I blamed me. I resented myself for making that choice, for putting you before my family. I didn’t know how to talk to you or be around you during it all because you reminded me of all the bad decisions I’d made regarding Andie and my parents.”

  Jake blew air out between his lips and whispered, “Fuck,” as he dragged a shaky hand through his hair. “You have no idea how much I get that, Charley. I wish you’d told me that was how you were feeling.”

  Surprise shot through me. “I don’t understand.”

  “After Brett died, I was filled with this irrational guilt,” he explained, the steadiness of his words testament to how far he’d come emotionally since Brett’s death. “At the time it didn’t feel irrational. I truly believed that there was something I could’ve done to avoid that outcome. And there was a huge part of me that couldn’t separate you from Brett’s death. I couldn’t be around you because of it.”

  As I processed this, the love I felt for Jake seemed to grow too big, too much, and I ducked my head to break our eye contact. There was so much relief that he understood me, but more than that, I was in awe of his understanding and compassion.

  “I should’ve told you,” I said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you that chance.”

  “I forgive you.”

  “Why?” I laughed unhappily.

  “Because,” he said, his countenance solemn, “you forgave me.”

  I started to smile but it wobbled as the tears spilled down my cheeks without control. “I’m such a mess, Jake. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.”

  Suddenly he was there beside me, holding me as I sobbed into his shoulder.

  Once I’d soaked his shirt through, he got up and strode into the bathroom, returning with toilet tissue so I could wipe my tears and blow my nose.

  “I’m sorry,” I told him, still shaking.

  “You don’t have to be.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled kindly. “So why don’t you recognize yourself?”

  Bunching the used tissue in my hand, I shrugged. “I used to be able to put my fear aside in most situations. But when it comes to the people I love, I seem to fall apart. When you left when I was sixteen, it took me a long time to stop moping around and start living again, and now with Andie… it’s happening all over again except it’s worse this time—more complicated.”

  “Explain it to me,” he encouraged.

  I studied his gorgeous face, his patient, soulful eyes. “You’ll think I’m crazy. Or worse… you’ll hate me.”

  Jake frowned. “You know when I said I ha
ted you… I didn’t mean it. I was just pissed off.”

  “I know,” I said. “But now you might really hate me.”

  “Try me. I might surprise you.”

  Taking a sip of my drink, I stalled a moment, gathering the remnants of my courage. “When Andie was lying there in that hospital bed, I watched Rick fall apart, but worse I watched my parents fall apart. It scared the hell out of me, Jake. Jim and Delia Redford do not fall apart. They’re the strongest people I know. But as one day crept into the next, I watched them age, I watched them crumble, and there was nothing I could do to help them. I’d failed Andie and now I was failing them. I felt like her accident was punishment. That I was to blame for it. Which made the fact that I couldn’t do anything to fix it or my parents even worse.”

  “How was it your fault?”

  “Because of the way I treated her before it happened. Because we hadn’t spoken since I’d told her to fuck off… because,” my voice lowered, “I wasn’t there this time to shove her out of the way, to save her.”

  “Charley, somewhere deep down you know that’s not true.”

  I shook my head. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel that way, that I don’t feel to blame, ashamed and guilty as hell.”

  “And this is why you haven’t spoken to Andie? Because you feel like her accident was your fault to begin with?”

  “That,” I drew in a deep breath, bracing myself to tell him the whole crazy truth, “and because there’s this sick, dark little part of me that resents her.”

  Jake frowned. “Resents her? For what? For the way you feel?”

  “No.” This time when our eyes met, I let all the love I felt for him shine out for the first time since before it all happened. I knew the instant he felt it because he froze and his eyes grew round with surprise and confusion. “I made a promise to God, Jake. I’m so sorry.” Tears started falling again.