Crushed

  It all seems so unfair though, doesn’t it? I’m about to back him into this corner and force him into this lifelong cage of parenthood. Yes, we chose to have sex, but I chose to do it unprotected. Out of fear and insecurity. I feel like I should be locked up. Surely, I’ve committed a crime of some kind?

  “I tricked him,” I mutter, lowering my stare to the soft, white carpet.

  “I don’t understand.”

  Embarrassment and regret eat at me, churning my stomach and punching my lungs. “I told him I was taking the pill, but I stopped, and then I convinced him to stop using protection.”

  I don’t have to look at her to know she’s disappointed. I can feel it sliding over my skin as she stares at me…like I’m every bit the idiot I already feel I am.

  “Selena…why?”

  “Because Amelia said—”

  “Please do not tell me you were motivated by something that snake said?”

  I whip my head up. “She made me feel irrelevant, O.”

  I pull my knees into my chest and bury my face in them. I’m crying again. The tears well in my eyes and wet my cheeks and I hate it. I’ve never been so caught up in the opposite sex. I’ve never been in love like this, not like I am with Jackson. I get ensnared in his eyes, the way they swirl with pain and lust, and I can’t escape. Once I’m trapped, he could tell me to walk out into traffic and I’d do it. Amelia is a large fragment of Jackson’s past. She’s the reason he is the way he is. She groomed him into this…this…beast. How am I ever supposed to compete with that? I thought…I thought that if I gave him a child, then anything before our baby would be irrelevant. That’s what babies do, right? Make everything before them irrelevant? He’d stop with his illegal fighting and his selfish rampages. He’d have to become a decent man, for the sake of our child…

  …right?

  Jackson

  I glance around the small burger joint. It’s a nice place, situated a block over from Seth’s gym. He loves it here. He loves the turquoise paint on the walls and the surfboards glued haphazardly to the ceiling. I know for a fact Seth never would have stepped foot in here not long ago, but since he’s stopped competing professionally, he eats whatever the hell he wants. I, on the other hand, am forced to order a pita wrap with grilled, skinless chicken, a heap of spinach, quinoa, and no sauce. The smells of the fries and the onions torture me. I haven’t had the delicious oily snacks in forever. I haven’t told him professional fighting might not be on the cards for me anymore, and so I’m forced to go along with the program until I grow the balls to bring it up.

  My phone vibrates face down on the table and I don’t have to look to know exactly who it is. She’s been calling me nonstop, trying to convince me that fighting for her is a good idea. It’d be a lie if I said I wasn’t contemplating it…like a desperate fucking idiot.

  “Are you going to get that?”

  I don’t look at Seth, who arches a suspicious brow at me. “Nope.”

  He watches me until the phone ceases to vibrate. When it does, he leans forward on his elbows and his black tee sags at the front. “Are you in trouble?”

  Dread twists my stomach. I guess it depends what he’s referring to. No, I’m not running from a debt collector. Yes, I am I contemplating selling my soul to Satan herself. I could tell him all about it, but he’d never understand. Seth has always been the Golden Child. He doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle the way I have struggled, and if I tell him Amelia wants to give me a lot of freaking money if I fight in her corner against the notorious Connor “Terror” Cage, he’d lose it. Seth has always had my best interests at heart. He’s always looked out for me, but I think this is something I should decide on my own. Without judgment from him.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I tell him. “I’ve got it sorted.”

  “Doesn’t look like it to me.”

  I cut my eyes at him. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

  Seth sits back in his seat as the cute waitress shuffles over to our table.

  “Double cheeseburger and fries?”

  He points at the empty space in front of him and she sets the plate down. He doesn’t look at her or offer his thanks. He just glares at me…in that Seth way I hate so much. Olivia knows what I’m talking about.

  “The pita wrap must be yours.”

  I grunt at her and she lowers my plate to the table.

  “Is there anything else I can get you?”

  I turn my attention to her. Of course, she’s not asking me. She’s asking Seth—and you know what? She’s changed her hair. When she took our order, her black hair was up in a tight, long ponytail, and her eyelashes weren’t nearly as long, as dark, or as thick as they are now. The waitress tucks her untied hair behind her ear and I glance at her name badge. Ha. Her name is Olivia. Fancy that.

  “Anything else?” Seth asks. “My treat.”

  I bristle. Is he offering because he thinks I deserve it or because I can’t afford it? I still have plenty of money in my bank…I’m just swiftly running out.

  “Get me some of those chicken wings. You know the ones that come with your signature spicy marinade? I’ll also get a large bowl of fries, six chicken nuggets, a BLT, and a jug of cola.” I smirk at her. “And a banana split to wash it all down, thanks.”

  “Um.” She blinks at me before glancing at Seth. “Is that…okay?”

  He looks at her and the air is visibly sucked from her lungs. Rolling my eyes, I blow air from my cheeks with a shake of my head, draping my arm over the back of the empty chair beside me. All the ladies love Seth. All of them. He looks like your classic, all American man. Me, however, most of these women fear me. With my tattoos and the constant scowl I can’t seem to remove from my face, they think I’m some kind of criminal.

  Perhaps it’s better that way.

  Exhaling, Seth leans forward and grabs a napkin. “It’s fine.”

  The waitress, Olivia, disappears and I grin at Seth, waiting for him to give me a talk about saturated fats, my calorie intake, and sugar…

  …but he doesn’t.

  I tilt my head. “You’re not going to say anything?”

  He shrugs. “I’ll just work you harder for the rest of the week.”

  He lifts his burger and takes a bite. My stomach groans out of jealousy. I should have ordered one of those too. On the table, my phone vibrates quickly, two short bursts that alert me of a text message. Sighing, I scoop up my phone and read the text from Amelia.

  Amelia DON’T ANSWER: Ignoring my calls? Real mature. I need someone to fight this fight. It’s a hell of a lot of money to turn your back on. Don’t be stupid. I know you need it.

  “Selena giving you grief again?” Seth asks, setting his greasy burger down.

  Jackson: Give me some time to think.

  “I wish.” I toss my phone onto the table and swipe at my face. “We haven’t spoken in days.”

  “What’d you do?” He sips at his water.

  “What makes you think I did anything? I don’t know what’s going on with her.”

  Seth takes another bite and swallows. “It’s Selena. What do you expect? She’s erratic, irrational, moody, aggressive, annoying—”

  “Take it easy,” I growl at him, folding my arms across my chest. “She’s not perfect—”

  “—not even close.”

  “But she’s mine.”

  He lowers his burger. “Does she know that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then how can she go days without speaking to you?” He reaches for his fries.

  “We’re not like you and Olivia. We’re not needy and—”

  “It’s not about being needy.” He pins me with his dark stare. “Darryl and I went to Oakland for business eight months ago,”

  “I know. You didn’t invite me, remember?”

  Chewing his fries, he swallows. “You’re not allowed in Oakland, remember?”

  Really? Hm. I can’t recall what I might’ve done to get banned from there. I flick my s
houlders. “Still. The invite would’ve been nice.”

  “Sixteen hours into the weekend,” he continues, ignoring me. “Olivia calls me, crying.”

  “What happened?” I frown. “Was it Chloe?”

  He shakes his head. “She missed me. She just wanted to hear my voice.”

  I gag.

  Seth laughs, exposing his straight, white teeth. “Gag all you want. That woman loves me more than anything else in the world and, if she hadn’t called me, I would have called her just to hear her voice.”

  I peer out the murky window and into the empty street. How did Seth and Olivia get to the point they’re at now? Don’t get me wrong, Selena and I have made incredible progress since we first started, since Vegas and all that other bullshit, but we are at an impasse. We are perfect one moment and a mess the next. It’s her. It’s me. It’s someone else. We just can’t seem to make it work.

  “And it just happened?” I ask Seth, avoiding his stare.

  “What?”

  “This…this perfect relationship you and Olivia have. Your happiness. Did it just happen or—”

  “—fuck no, it didn’t just happen, and I definitely wouldn’t describe us as perfect.” I drag my stare to him and he looks away, choosing to watch a father bus the tray for his two small children. “Olivia and I have a million and one problems—two million and one—if I’m being honest, but we make it work. A good relationship isn’t good without work, and we’ve been putting in the time since we started. It’s not good all the time, no relationship is, but I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.”

  I’d tell him he sounded ridiculous if I didn’t want what he had so bad.

  Olivia, the waitress, returns with half of my order. Without a word, she places the food on the table, making room as she goes. Then, she disappears again.

  “So, what you’re saying is—”

  “—what the fuck are you doing here, Jackson?” He leans back against the red booth. “Why are you here, having lunch with me, when you should be with Selena?”

  I push the pita wrap aside and reach for the chili sauce. I give it a shake and Seth frowns with impatience as he waits for my answer. I pour the sunset colored sauce over my fries before pinching a few between my fingers.

  “She doesn’t want to see me.”

  I eat them.

  “So?”

  Chewing, I shrug. “So, she doesn’t want to see me.”

  “When has that ever stopped you?”

  “It’s different now.” I look away and swallow. “She’s different now, and I don’t want to lose her…so I’m giving her space.” I clear my throat. “That’s why I’m here having lunch with you. If I wasn’t, I’d be ripping the doors off her house.”

  Seth sits forward, apparently satisfied with my answer, and reaches for his burger again. I stuff more fries into my mouth, relishing in the way my taste buds come alive and dance with the chili sauce. Eventually, the tips of my fingers brush the warm ceramic of the blue bowl as I grab the last of the fries. I stuff the warm slivers of salty potato into my mouth when my phone rings. My heart skips a beat, thinking it could be Selena, but it ceases to thrum all together and immediately plummets into my crisp, white sneakers when “Amelia DON’T ANSWER” flashes across my screen.

  I feel Seth’s stare on me long before I lift my gaze to his. I can see how this might look. Last time, he threw my phone against the wall and shattered it into a million pieces. Wiping my hands, I quickly grab my phone and stuff it into the pocket of my jeans.

  Olivia returns with the rest of my order and places it gently on the table. Sighing, she plants her hands on her hips and beams at Seth. “Was that everything?”

  Her smile falters when she sees the look on his face. He doesn’t look back at her. Instead, he keeps his angry, volcanic eyes on me.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I say, and he lowers his chin, glowering down his nose at me.

  “You’ve got five seconds to explain before I throw myself across this table and knock some sense into you.”

  The waitress backs away, rushing quickly to another table. Exhaling, I sit forward, reaching for my chicken wings. They’re slippery between my fingers as I pinch one and bring it to my mouth.

  “Amelia is hosting the next big underground fight.”

  His eyes widen as I suck at the marinade. “Bullshit.”

  “She’s offering me a hell of a lot of money to fight Connor Cage.”

  I eat the chicken wing as a million and one thoughts flicker through Seth’s head. He doesn’t blanch at the mention of Cage’s name. Why would he? He hasn’t watched a single professional fight since his brief time in the pros. He wouldn’t know any of the new up and comers. Connor Cage was booted from the MMAC for destroying the new chairman’s face on live TV. In Connor’s defense, Greg did call him a pussy, and then bragged about banging his girlfriend on the hood of his car. I would have beaten him to a bloody pulp too.

  “You can’t keep fighting like this, Jackson. You’re going to get yourself killed.”

  I swallow as Seth pushes his burger away. “I need the money, Seth.”

  “If you need money, I can give you some.”

  “I don’t want your money. I want my money. I am sick and tired of building my life and my success off your shoulders. You’ve paid me to be your punching bag, your ring man, and your damn gym boy. I want to do something for myself. I want to make money on my own.”

  He cuts his eyes at me. “You won’t take my money, but you’ll take hers?”

  “It’s not hers. The fight is connected to Cedric Barnes.”

  Seth straightens his posture and smooths out the wrinkle in his eyebrows. “Cedric Barnes? As in The Erl Casino, Cedric Barnes?”

  “The one and only.”

  “Why would he risk—”

  “I don’t know the fucking details yet, Seth. I don’t even know if I’m going to do it.”

  Though I’ll admit, at this point, it’s almost too good to pass up. I’m a good fighter, and I think I’m better than Connor Cage. If I beat him I can take Selena and go somewhere—anywhere. I can’t remember the last time I did something for myself. God knows Selena and I need it. Maybe then I can show her just how romantic I can be.

  “You can’t trust Amelia. She always has an agenda”

  I roll my eyes. “I know that better than anybody.”

  “And how do you think Selena will take it?”

  Simple. “I’m not going to tell her.”

  Seth exhales dramatically, running his hands over his face. “Jackson, you can’t keep doing this.”

  “One last time and then I’ll stop. For good.”

  “For good?”

  Here it is. The moment of truth. I don’t know how he’s going to take it. Months, and months, and months of his time, hard work, and money gone. I can’t go through with it. My heart’s just not in it anymore. I’m not like him. I thought I was. I thought I could do it, but the pressure is too much.

  “I don’t want to fight anymore,” I confess. “Professional or not. I’m tired.”

  Seth folds his large arms over his wide chest. “I thought going pro was something you wanted?”

  “It was in the beginning. I wanted it more than anything, but…I don’t anymore. To be honest…if I see the inside of another fucking gym, I will hang myself from the ceiling.”

  Nodding, Seth doesn’t say another word. Not for the rest of the meal. He finishes long before I do and sits in thought, watching me. Trying to figure me out.

  When I polish off the last cup of cola from the jug, he leans forward on his elbows. “I think you should do it.”

  I arch a brow. Is he messing with me? He’s never, ever approved of me fighting illegally.

  “This could be the last time I get close to a ring. I want to be there with you…for you.”

  The air between us changes, surrounding me with strange currents of respect and sadness. Fighting is what kept Seth and I going when the odds seemed to s
tack against us. Fighting made us brothers. What would we become without it keeping us together? I mean, our lives are already heading in two very different directions.

  Swallowing, I nod. “Okay.”

  Olivia, the waitress, awkwardly returns with the bill and Seth cuts his eyes at me as he pays it. I grin. I didn’t even touch my pita wrap. When he’s done, we leave the small shop and go our separate ways. Apparently, Seth’s gotta pick Chloe up from daycare because Olivia is out, four towns over, checking out a location to open another gym.

  Instead of getting in my car, I walk. I walk one hour in one direction until I reach the edge of town. My mind runs rampant with all the things I can do with the money I win. Greece. I’ve always wanted to go there. Would Selena come with me? Or will she leave me altogether when she finds out where I got the money? I don’t know what the fuck she’s going to do.

  Exhaling, I pull out my phone and call Amelia. Butterflies churn in my stomach. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I’m allowing myself to become involved with her again.

  She can destroy me.

  She can.

  The ringing ceases. My stomach plummets.

  “You better have good news for me,” she purrs down the phone, chilling my blood.

  I glance up at the cloudy sky. In the distance, faint thunder rumbles. Coincidence? I think not.

  “I’m in,” I tell her. “I’ll do the fight.”

  I swear I can hear her wry smile as it spreads across her face. “You’ll do it for me?”

  “Not for you,” I clarify. “Never for you.”

  “Ooh.” She chuckles and it’s the same kind of mocking chuckle that I’m used to from her. “I’ll be in touch, Jackie.”

  Amelia hangs up and I lower my phone, clenching it firmly in my fist. Nervousness tightens my chest. It’s the kind of nervousness that only Amelia Petrovic stirs in me. By caving, I’ve opened Pandora’s Box, and I’m either going to fight through it, or crash and burn and lose everything. Peering at my phone, I scroll to Selena’s name.