Send Him My Love

Christmas was approaching with a calendar full of festivities that included the traditional ecumenical Saturday night carols by candle light on the lawns of Boksburg Lake next to the pavilion. Anyway, as fate would have it Cheryl cornered me after church on the Sunday evening before the carols by candle light event and asked if I would take her, and I agreed to take her.

  For some unknown reason I felt obliged to inform Sheldon that I would be taking Cheryl to the carols by candle light gathering at the Lake.

  Sorry for interrupting you midway, I don’t think the reason was unknown, it was out of a sense of guilt that you or rather Richard felt obliged to inform Sheldon.

  OK let me continue, for the sake of the story I will be Richard, so when I speak in the first person reference, it is not me speaking but Richard.

  OK I get you. But I can’t help thinking that you are talking about your own experience in this story.

  I suppose you are right it was out of guilt. It was possible that in my mind I still felt that Sheldon had some claim over Cheryl. Morally I realized that I was not obliged to inform Sheldon about anything regarding my relationship with Cheryl.

  What did Sheldon say?

  I will tell you now.

  I walked over to his house that evening. I actually felt nervous about the whole business, it did take quite a bit of courage because the whole thing was beginning to seem so messy, and this also made it quite embarrassing as well. He had already given me sufficient reason to believe that he had sexual relations with her and he had made this very oblique admission on the basis of the trust that existed between us as friends. So there was the whole business of honour to consider and all that kind of stuff which exists between friends. It was out of a sense of honour that I felt the strong need to tell him that I was going to take his ex-girlfriend Cheryl to the Lake. It was also embarrassing for me because when I compared myself to Sheldon it felt as if I was playing the dating game completely out of my league when it came to the romantic stakes with a young beautiful woman like Cheryl. People like me don’t get to go out with girls like Cheryl. Women like Cheryl don’t even notice guys like me. I was shorter than Shelden. In fact I was only a bit taller than Cheryl. Look I was strong, reasonably well built if you like, but I also wore cheap plastic black framed glasses that now in retrospect were actually ‘retro’ in every sense of the word. I did look like a real nerd. When I arrived at his home I found him lying stretched out on his bed. He had just finished praying and reading the Bible after completing a session of weight lifting in the garage. He was just wearing his shorts and his muscles were all puffed up. I must say he had a magnificent body, more from years of swimming and gymnastics than from weight lifting. Compared to my nerdish face, his nose was aristocratic and his jawline was supremely masculine. When I told him that I would be taking Cheryl to the carol service at the Lake he shook his head in a gesture of disbelieve and disappointment. ‘You don’t know what you getting yourself into,’ he warned. ‘She is going to entangle you in her web and play with your feelings, you going to rue the day that you ever became involved with her believe me,’ he said.

  On that Saturday evening at 18.30 I pressed the doorbell at the modest Boksburg South home where she lived with her parents and two teenage sisters who were just as attractive as she was. Her mom opened the door and invited me to sit in the lounge. Apparently Cheryl was still getting ready. Her father was sitting on one of the armchairs in the lounge reading the Saturday night Star newspaper. I sat down on the sofa. He had gathered that I was studying at Wits and was not too impressed to hear that I was doing a BA majoring in English and philosophy. He wanted to know what I could do career wise with a BA in English and philosophy apart from becoming an English school teacher. When he asked what my plans were I told him that I was going to do a BA honours in philosophy and thereafter possibly a PhD in philosophy. Of course he wanted to know what I was going to do with a PhD in philosophy. How was I going to put bread on the table with a PhD in philosophy? Cheryl’s mother would also later ask me the same questions. Obviously I was not studying for the right qualifications if I was really serious about their daughter. Well as you can see I have proved them wrong. Here I am tonight on a flight to Paris to give the key note address at a special philosophy meeting on consciousness to be hosted at the Sorbonne.

  Sorry to interrupt you again. And I am on way to Paris to do a photo shot at the Eifel Tower. I have a great idea, maybe we should meet in Paris and perhaps go out for dinner, I really think that would be quite nice.

  What happened next? Please continue. Don’t stop. I am really finding your story fascinating.

  After the carols by candle light Cheryl suggested that we go for a walk along the Lake promenade. The promenade was lit up with coloured lights and many of the trees were also lit up with coloured lights. It was incredibly exciting being with Cheryl especially once we had left the crowds and were alone. We walked along the promenade until we arrived at the other side of the Lake. We stopped at a raft which was chained to a tree and I urged her to follow me onto the raft. We stepped off the bank onto the raft, the raft moved and to keep her balance she grabbed my arm, and then her hand slipped into mine. I held her hand briefly and in that brief intimate moment she tightened the grasp of her hand. In that moment something was sealed between us. An emotional bond was formed. At 10.30 pm we arrived back at her home. She invited in me for coffee. Her parents had gone to bed and her sisters seemed to be in their rooms. I followed her to the kitchen when she went to make the coffee. She boiled some milk in a saucepan on the stove and added the hot milk to the coffee and stirred it well. Carrying our mugs of coffee we went back to the lounge. She sat down on the sofa and I sat in the arm chair which happened to be her father’s chair. She laughed and said: ‘Don’t sit so far away, come sit on the couch with me, I don’t bite.’

  So I joined her on the couch where sat and we spoke until one o clock into the morning while listening to LPs. I left without kissing her and she thanked me for a wonderful evening. She was kind, caring, sensitive and affectionate, and gave me the impression that she really liked me and enjoyed being with me. Anyway being human I left her feeling absolutely elated, driving home in the VW Beetle back to Comet up Trichardt Street I was on an emotional high. By the time I got home I had already landed on cloud nine. I had never felt so good in all my life. It was amazing.

  The next morning, that is Sunday morning, Sheldon was standing outside the church, I could see from the expression on his face that he was waiting for me. It was weird. He said: ‘Cheryl is already inside waiting for you, go and sit next her.’ He began to brush my suit lapels, straighten my tie and fiddled with my collar. He then patted me lightly on the cheek and said: ‘You look good my china.’ It was like he was my coach and he was in my corner in the boxing ring and he was there for me as my friend and my coach providing moral support before the bell rang after which I would be alone in the duelling arena with only my wits to save me from certain disaster.

  When I sat down next her she gave me a radiant ‘Hi.’ Her eyes were sparkling and we sat smiling at each other throughout the whole service. After the service I confirmed that I would fetch her for the evening service. I had been given two tickets for Handel’s Messiah for the coming Saturday night at the Johannesburg City Hall, so on the way to the evening service I invited her on a date to the Messiah symphony concert which she accepted immediately.

  At the concert after Comfort ye, Comfort ye my people I took her hand. On the way home before I got to the turn off to her home she redirected me and we took a detour to a nearby park where we parked under a tree. The whole evening she had been in such a buoyant mood that it was actually fun to be with her and she had also shown uninhibited affection towards me. Parked under the tree in the dark we sat smiling at each other. I had no reason to feel insecure, tense or stressed. I felt perfectly at ease in her company and I had every reason to believe that she liked me and not only wanted to be with me but also actually enjoyed being with me. In r
etrospect I should have accepted everything on trust and not tried to second guess her intentions. I should have let go of all my insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy. But I could not shake off my doubts and suspicions about her real feelings towards me. How could she possibly be attracted to me? I was not as tall and as athletic as Sheldon, I was definitely not as good looking as Sheldon, nor did I have his natural charm, wit, charisma and animal magnetism, so what could she possibly see in me? In spite of everything I was feeling very vulnerable, being with someone like Cheryl was almost too good to be true, and it was almost dreamlike. I felt like a very ordinary person, so I kept on thinking: what could she possibly see in me. I lacked confidence in my own self-worth. However, I had the presence of mind to realize that it would not have been appropriate for me to bare my soul to her and express or even confess my fears. I did not want to create the impression that I was craving constant reassurance. So I was hiding all these negative thoughts and emotions. Smiling she looked at me and said: “What?” I smiled back at her and said that I was just savouring the moment. I added