Drunk Dial

  Sitting on the truck floor, I closed my eyes as Landon drove us back to our apartment.

  Once home, he disappeared into the bathroom. When I heard the water running, I realized he was drawing a bath for us.

  Landon stripped down before undressing me. As many times as I’ve seen him naked, the beauty of his inked physique never ceased to make my jaw drop. After he led me into the warm water, Landon got in behind me and pulled my body into his. Leaning my head against his chest, I had never been more grateful to have a night off from my dancing gig. I was in no mood tonight.

  “I’m scared,” I whispered.

  “I know. But I’m hoping that what I’m about to say to you might make you feel better.”

  “What is it, Landon?”

  He wrapped his arms around me tighter under the water. His low voice was soothing as he spoke against my skin.

  “I told you that before I left California, I started seeing a therapist, but I never went into detail about any of the epiphanies I had before moving here. It never seemed like the right moment to bring it all up…until today.”

  “I know. I didn’t want to pressure you to talk about it.”

  “You know that I spent several years confused and filled with resentment over my birth mother. I don’t think that I ever really saw things from her point of view—until you. I didn’t understand how she could’ve given me away until I saw the same scenario through the eyes of someone I love more than life. You’ve given me a new perspective on the feelings of desperation that my mother must have felt. And seeing your feelings of guilt, I know how sorry you are. I know how much you love Lilith and that your actions as a teenager are not a reflection of your love for her. I realize now that my mother probably loved me very much. You have shown me that. So, thank you.”

  He was thanking me?

  “She did love you, Landon. I know she did.”

  “Everything you do is for Lilith. She has you. She just doesn’t know it. She doesn’t know how lucky she is, but she will someday. My therapist also helped me to see my situation differently when it comes to my parents. I’ve taken them for granted. They loved me more than they could’ve ever loved a child of their own. My mother couldn’t have children, you know. That’s why they turned to adoption.”

  “Neither could Beth.”

  “You gave Lilith’s parents a gift just as my mother gave Marjorie and Jim one. It’s like I’ve been blind to the fact that something really wonderful came out of Beverly’s abandonment. I was only focusing on the reasons why she shouldn’t have given me up, but not focusing on all the good things that happened as a result. For one, I met you. My life wouldn’t be what it is today if I grew up with Beverly. My upbringing would’ve been rough whether she loved me or not. Sometimes love is enough, but sometimes the bad stuff can really eclipse it. I can’t guarantee I would’ve been happier if she’d kept me. But I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I had a good upbringing with loving parents. What did poor Marjorie get in return for that? A son who left her to go find his—quote, unquote—real mother. I had a mother. And I really owe her an apology for the way I handled things, the way I disappeared.”

  My heart did break for Landon’s mother. I knew she spent many years feeling that she’d lost him.

  “Marjorie is a wonderful mom.”

  “Here’s the bottom line, Rana. Everything turned out the way it was supposed to. You give yourself hell for giving up your child, but has anyone reminded you of how brave you were? You could’ve decided to abort the baby as soon as you found out. My mother could’ve decided the same. Instead, you carried Lilith to term. That had to have been scary as hell at that age. Then you made the decision that you felt was best for her. And when you got your shit together, you owned up to your mistake and handled it in a way that probably very few people would have the guts to. You faced that regret head on and have tried to take back some of what you lost.”

  My heart felt heavy. “What if it explodes in my face? What if I lose her?”

  “She’s going to find out. It’s inevitable. But I want you to know that I’m gonna be there with you when she does. And after you tell her, I will be there for her. I’ll tell her my own story and show her that she’s not the only person who’s dealt with it. She’ll never have to handle this alone, Rana. Lilith and I…we share something that no one else can understand unless they’ve been on that end of the situation. If there’s a reason for everything that happens in life, then maybe I went through all this for her, so that I could be there for Lilith.”

  The fact that he felt that way really touched me deeply. It was like he’d unwound all of our pain and sewed it back together into something beautiful. Words could not express my gratitude to him for opening up to me today.

  “I can’t tell you how much it means to know that I won’t have to go through this alone and that you would want to support Lilith that way.”

  “You won’t lose her, Rana. I’ve finally learned to forgive Beverly, even though she can’t even speak to me. If Lilith is angry at first, she will learn to forgive you, especially since you’ve made an effort to be a part of her life in the only way you’ve been allowed to. The fact is, maybe I couldn’t really just be grateful that Beverly gave me life until I started living a life that I loved. I’m living this beautiful life right now because she made a choice to carry me to term, even though she was in incredible pain. I wouldn’t change anything about the past anymore. So, I need to let my animosity go. I need to just look up and say ‘thank you, Beverly’ and be grateful for the fact that Lilith is going to get to know her birth mother when I couldn’t. She’s gonna be lucky enough to realize that she has two mothers and a father who love her. And she’ll always have me, too. Maybe she’ll be mad at you for a while, yeah, but she’s going to be loved. She’ll come to understand that eventually. And that will be what matters most.”

  I really hoped he was right.

  Looking back to face him, I took a minute to soak in this man’s beauty, both which was on the outside and especially the inner beauty he was demonstrating in the way he cared for me this afternoon.

  “Thank you for this bathtub therapy. I really needed it today.”

  “I know you did. Those thoughts had been at the tip of my tongue for a while, waiting for the right moment.”

  We lay in the steamy water for almost an hour. Despite my scare with Lilith earlier, I felt incredibly relaxed now.

  Since we were being so open, there was a nagging question I’d wanted to ask him for some time. It was something we’d never discussed.

  Turning around to face him, I wrapped my legs around his waist and rubbed my thumb along his beautiful bottom lip. “Do you want a child of your own someday?”

  “Only with you,” he said without even thinking. “Only if you want one, too. I definitely don’t think that’s a decision we have to make any time soon, though.”

  “I used to tell myself that I didn’t deserve to have another baby, that I had my chance and gave up the right, but honestly, I haven’t truly wanted it…until you.”

  Landon pulled me into him and kissed me tenderly. I could feel his erection growing beneath me. “My instinct is that I want to get you pregnant for primal reasons. I’m getting hard just thinking about it. But really…it’s a lifetime of responsibility. And quite honestly…” he hesitated. I really wasn’t sure what he was going to say until his next words came out. “I really do want it. The truth is, I want that with you so fucking much it hurts.”

  My heart was pounding at his admission. “When you paused, I got scared for a second.”

  “That must mean that deep down, you really want it, too.”

  “I don’t think I realized how much I wanted it until this moment—until my heart nearly fell when I thought maybe you didn’t.”

  My man took care of me that entire night. After our bath, Landon cooked us dinner, and we ate it on the couch together while watching Netflix.

  When our movie ended, he to
ok out his wallet. “I forgot. I have something to show you. My mother found this. She gave it to me today when I met her for breakfast. Check this out.” He handed me a photo.

  My smile grew wide. It was a picture of Landon and me taken during the first few months after my family moved into the garage apartment. I remembered the day it was taken vividly. Our entire block was having a yard sale, and both Landon and I were in charge of collecting money for the items that Marjorie put out on her table. She gave us ten percent of the profits as payment for our work, and we used the money to buy our first Rubik’s Cube from one of the other tables.

  Still grinning at the photo, I said, “That’s the day we bought the Rubik’s Cube.”

  “I remembered that, but I wasn’t sure if you would.”

  “No, I remember everything about that day. It was one of the first times that I realized how much I really liked the boy next door.”

  He tapped his knee against mine. “Yeah. I thought you were alright, too.”

  On the back of the photo, his mother had written our names and the date.

  I just kept staring at it. It was the first time in ages that I’d looked at a photo of myself from that time period. It was really hitting me more than ever how much Lilith resembled me.

  “I look just like her in this picture, don’t I?”

  “Yeah. Whenever Lilith is around, it takes me back in time. I feel like a kid again around her. It’s good for my soul.”

  After Landon tucked the photo back into his wallet, he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me repeatedly on my forehead. I’d lived for so many years feeling alone and scared. For the first time in my life, I felt truly safe. His hands may have been calloused; his arms may have been inked; he may have looked dangerous, but Landon was as gentle as he was protective.

  “I couldn’t have ever foreseen this happening between us, Landon. I’m so grateful to have you with me now.”

  “I never thought I’d see you again in a million years after you left. Life can be hard as shit, but sometimes…sometimes it surprises me in the best way.”

  That night before heading to sleep, Landon was brushing his teeth while I readjusted the sheets on our bed. I happened to look up and noticed something bizarre. My stuffed animals from childhood had always been lined up on a shelf that was situated high up on the wall across from my bed. There were so many crammed together, all different colors and kinds. One stuffed bear in particular caught my eye—because I didn’t recognize it.

  It wasn’t mine.

  When Landon walked in, I asked, “Did you buy me a stuffed animal?”

  “No. Why? Do you want me to?”

  Walking over to the shelf, I lifted the brown bear. “I just noticed this one. It’s not mine.” I handed it to him.

  Landon’s expression grew to one of concern as he inspected it. “You know there’s a zipper back here.” He opened the bear to find a camera inside. “This a fucking spy cam!”

  My heart started to race. “What?”

  “Look…the nose is the lens.” Landon’s hands were shaking. I’d never seen him so worked-up. “That sick fuck must have been filming you.”

  Admittedly, I probably hadn’t taken a good look at the shelf since Lenny moved out, so I had no way of knowing how long the bear had been there. Since we’d changed the locks, it was doubtful that he’d been back since leaving. Still, it definitely shook me up.

  He threw the bear on the bed. “It’s empty…no tape or anything inside. Will you let me go to the fucking police now?”

  “No. I don’t want any trouble. I know that sounds crazy…but I just want to let it go.”

  Landon let out a frustrated breath. “I have to work harder at finding us a new place.”

  Looking for a new apartment had somehow fallen by the wayside. With each day that had passed after Lenny left, it’d seemed less necessary to move.

  But this unsettling discovery definitely opened old wounds, making the need to relocate once again a priority.

  FERRIS WHEEL

  Lilith turned eleven this week.

  I’d only been around for a couple of birthdays with her, but they were always bittersweet.

  This year was going to be different because Landon was here to help me celebrate. That would hopefully distract me from the inevitable moments when my mind wandered to the day she was born or to thinking about the years that I missed.

  Even though her birthday had technically passed, we’d be marking the occasion tonight. It happened to work out that the carnival was in town, so we planned to take her there in the early evening after the truck closed.

  Around 4PM, Landon was taking a quick shower after a long day of work. I had already gotten dressed and was waiting for him, feeling really anxious for some reason.

  Landon emerged from the bathroom with a small towel wrapped around his waist. A few droplets of water were dripping down the veins of his ripped torso. He looked good enough to lick.

  He approached me in the middle of the living room, and his towel dropped to the floor. His fully erect cock was on full display.

  “Be careful,” I said. “The curtain’s open and God forbid, my father walk in.”

  “That would serve him right because he promised not to barge in anymore. It’s bad enough he leaves religious statues around that judge me when I’m getting you from behind in the kitchen.”

  “She’s not judging you. She brought us together.”

  “Say what?”

  “I prayed to her right before you called me to tell me you were moving here.”

  “Oh, good.” He tugged on my tank top. “Then she won’t mind if I stick my dick between those beautiful tits right now, either? The whole time I was in the shower I kept thinking about how good they look in this shirt. I was getting really horny but intentionally didn’t jerk off in the hopes we could have a quickie.”

  As much as it pained me, I said, “We can’t. We’re already late.”

  I leaned in, taking his cock into my mouth and giving it one quick suck before abruptly stopping and getting up. “You need to get dressed.”

  He held his arms out, his erection sticking straight up in the air. “Okay, that was just cruel. You’re so going to hell for that.”

  We really lucked out with the weather. It was dry and comfortable with only a slight chill in the air.

  The sun was just starting to set as we made our way over to the ticket booth for the second time. We’d already played a lot of games and needed more tickets for the rides.

  Slowly inching forward in the long line, we waited patiently. My eyes landed on a little girl who looked to be about three. Her scoop of ice cream had fallen off of the cone. When she started to cry, her mother bent down to comfort her.

  I looked over at Lilith. It made me sad that I’d missed those years with her, all of those little moments when she might have been sad and I wasn’t there to make it better. I willed those thoughts away, reminding myself that this was supposed to be a happy occasion.

  Landon handed Lilith a long strip of tickets.

  “Are these all for me?”

  “Well, they’re for me, too, birthday girl. You think I’m gonna let you go on all these rides alone? That’s no fun. Do you know what you want to go on first?”

  She beamed at him. “The bumper cars.”

  “Okay, let’s do it.”

  I wasn’t a fan of rides, so I opted to hold the huge, stuffed animal he’d won for her instead. With a giant cow in one hand and pink cotton candy in the other, I stayed on the sidelines while they ventured off together.

  I imagined that Landon was sort of like the big brother Lilith never had. It melted me to see how well they got along. Lilith’s father, Jack, worked a lot and wasn’t the type to get his hands dirty or let loose at a carnival. I couldn’t picture my own dad running around a carnival with me, either. We’d never done things like this together. He’d call it “foolish” or a “waste of money.”

  When they returned after going on seve
ral rides, Lilith reached for her cotton candy.

  She put a big, fluffy piece in her mouth before she said, “Rana, you have to go on The Sizzler.”

  “Oh, no. The one time I went on that as a kid, I got really nauseous and threw up. I can’t do spinning.”

  “You have to go on something. The carnival only comes once a year.”

  I couldn’t disappoint her. “Okay, maybe the bumper cars? I can handle anything on the ground or that doesn’t move too fast.”

  Landon flashed her a mischievous look. “I think we should find someone to hold that stuffed animal so we can both team up on Rana and crash into her. What do you think?”

  “I like that idea.”

  “Well, thanks a lot, guys.”

  Waving his hand toward the booth, he said, “Let’s go get some more tickets.”

  Back in the long line, Landon opened his wallet just as a brisk wind hit us, blowing some of his receipts and loose bills onto the ground. One of the other items that fell: the old picture of us that his mother had given him.

  My heart nearly stopped as Lilith bent down to pick it up. She flipped it around to look at it. Since it landed with the back facing up, I knew she likely saw our names written on it.

  She’d never seen a picture of me as a child before. That was very intentional due to our resemblance.

  My body stilled.

  When Landon realized she was holding the photo, he looked at me in a panic. Then, both of our eyes were glued to her, waiting for some kind of response.

  She handed the photo back to Landon but didn’t say anything.

  “Thanks,” he said. He glanced over at me then at her. “Ready to go?”

  She nodded.

  Had I dodged a bullet?

  I honestly didn’t know. It wasn’t like Lilith not to inquire about something, especially a picture of two kids around her age. Had she not noticed the names on the back? Had she not picked up on my resemblance to her?

  My breathing slowed a bit as I tried to convince myself that everything was fine while we headed to the bumper cars. A sweet grandmother agreed to hold the stuffed animal so that the three of us could go together.