The Queen and I

  “Where’d you get him?” she said brusquely.

  “Bought ‘im,” said Spiggy. “From a bloke in the club. ‘E’s got nowhere to keep ‘im.”

  “And have you got somewhere to keep him?” asked Anne.

  “No,” admitted Spiggy. “I’d sunk a few pints and I just sort of took to ‘im. He were tied up outside in the car park an’ I just sorta felt, like, sorry for ‘im. He were only fifty quid, ‘n’ a roll of stair carpet. ‘Is name’s Gilbert! ‘E’s got new shoes on,” he said anxiously, wanting Anne to agree that Gilbert was a bargain.

  Anne’s practised eye told her that Gilbert was a fine horse.

  “What’s he been used for?” she said.

  “Trekkin’”, the bloke said, in Derbyshire. “But ‘e’s been on ‘is ‘olidays lately cos the trekkin’ business went bust. ‘E’s got a lovely nature.”

  Anne could see that for herself. Gilbert allowed her to run her hands along each fetlock and inspect the inside of his ears. He even bared his teeth when Anne looked into his mouth as though he were sitting in a dentist’s chair and were cooperating with the dentist. Anne stroked his chestnut nose, then took his bridle and led him down the path at the side of the house and out into the overgrown back garden. There was no saddle, but she heaved herself onto Gilbert’s back and they walked to the end of the garden and back again. Spiggy lit a cigarette and sat down on the wrought iron seat that Anne had brought from Gatcombe Park. He liked Anne, she called a spade a bleedin’ spade. An’ she wasn’t a bad looker either with her hair down, like it was now.

  He had been proud of the sensation they had caused when they had entered the Flowers Estate Working Men’s Club on their first date. He had been even prouder when Anne had beaten all his mates at pool. Gilbert was Spiggy’s love token.

  He reckoned her garden was big enough for Gilbert, providing he had a good gallop on the Recreation Ground once a day. Anne got off Gilbert reluctantly.

  “I couldn’t possibly afford to keep him, Spiggy,” she said. “I can’t afford to feed the kids properly.”

  “I’ll keep ‘im,” said Spiggy. “Tell me what he needs an’ I’ll geddit.” While Anne hesitated he said, “It’s just that I ain’t got one of the big gardens like you. We could sorta share ‘im. Me dad were a gyppo, so I’m used to ‘orses. I were ridin’ ‘fore I could tie me shoelaces. Go on Anne, ‘elp me out. You’ve got room for a stable.”

  Gilbert nuzzled Anne’s neck. How could she refuse?

  In the afternoon George Beresford came round to measure Gilbert for his stable. He returned later with Fitzroy Toussaint. They were carrying sheets of pink melamine that George had taken from a hair salon he had once helped to refurbish.

  “It’s not exactly stole,” he said to Anne, when she raised objections about the dubious history of the melamine. “It’s a perk of the job.”

  Fitzroy agreed and told Anne he could get free computer paper for her and the kids. “No problem,” he said, “anytime.”

  Anne drew a rough sketch of a stable, stipulated how high Gilbert’s feed and water troughs ought to be, explained that Gilbert would need room to turn around and that the floor would need a drain and would have to be able to withstand copious amounts of horse urine. Fitzroy helped George to carry another load of melamine and then excused himself it was time to go back to the office.

  Mr Christmas watched over the fence. He was out on bail after his attempt to steal a ballcock from a DIY centre had been thwarted by an in-store security camera. He took a carrot from out of his trouser pocket and fed it to Gilbert.

  “What you doin’ with the ‘oss shit?” he asked Anne. Anne confessed that she hadn’t given it much thought, though she conceded that, given time, it could be a problem.

  “I’ll take it off yer ‘ands if you like,” said Mr Christmas, who had visions of selling it at a pound a bag.

  “I don’t propose to get it on my hands, Mr Christmas,” said Anne.

  They were laughing when the Queen came into the back garden carrying a saddle, which she gave to her daughter.

  The Queen was unable to imagine life without horses. Despite Jack Barker’s warning it had been second nature to her to pack a saddle into the removal van.

  “I brought this down from the boxroom this morning. It will need adjusting, but I think it will fit him,” she said, smiling at Gilbert and feeding him a polo mint.

  “‘Ow’s your lad gettin’ on inside?” asked Mr Christmas of the Queen.

  “I don’t know, I’ve had no letter yet,” the Queen said as she fiddled with the saddlecloth and the saddle. “I’ve written to him of course, and sent him a book.”

  “A book,” scoffed Mr Christmas. “‘E won’t be allowed to have that.”

  “Whyever not?” asked the Queen.

  “Regulations,” explained Mr Christmas. “You coulda stuck LSD microdots inside the pages or sprinkled cocaine inside that hard bit what keeps the pages together…”

  “The spine,” informed the Queen.

  “One a my lads got ‘dicted to drugs when ‘e were in prison,” said Mr Christmas chattily. “When ‘e come out he ‘ad to ‘ave that cold chicken treatment.”

  “Turkey,” corrected the Queen.

  “Yeah, turkey! Din’t cure ‘im though. Says ‘e don’t care if ‘e dies young. ‘E says ‘e ‘ates the world and there’s nowt for ‘im to live for.”

  “How very sad,” said the Queen.

  “‘E were a miserable bugger when ‘e were born. Din’t smile till ‘e were a year old,” Mr Christmas said dismissively. “Din’t matter how much I thrashed him, ‘e still wun’t smile.”

  ∨ The Queen and I ∧

  37

  DEAR MUMMY

  The following morning the Queen was cleaning out the drain in the front garden when the postman came up the path with a letter. The Queen pulled off her rubber gloves. She hoped the letter would be from Charles. It was.

  Castle Prison

  Friday, May 22

  Dear Mummy,

  As you see, I have enclosed a Visiting Order. I’d be awfully pleased if you would visit me. It is ghastly in here, the food is indescribably horrible. One suspects it is foul when it leaves the kitchens, but by the time it reaches us in the cells it is fouler: cold and congealed. Please, when you come, bring some muesli bars and fruit, something nutritious.

  Please bring me some books. I am not allowed to use the prison library yet. And I am dependent on my cellmates, Lee Christmas, Fat Oswald and Carlton Moses’s, tastes in reading material. They do not share my love of literature, indeed last night I had to explain to them what literature was, or rather is. Lee Christmas thought that literature was something you poured into a cat’s tray. At present we are locked up for twenty-three hours a day. There are not enough prison officers to supervise educational or work programmes.

  We take it in turns to exercise in the small area between the bunks. Everyone, that is, apart from Fat Oswald, who spends all day every day lying on his bunk reading cookery books and exuding noxious body gases. I accused him of being partly responsible for the diminution of the ozone layer, but he merely said, “What’s that when it’s at home?”

  Hell truly is other people, Mummy. I long to take a solitary walk, or spend the day fishing alone; just me, the river and the wildlife.

  Is Diana working on my appeal? Do check, Mummy. It is monstrously unjust that I am here at all. I did not incite a riot that day in Hell Close. I did not shout ‘Kill the pig’. Carlton said my brief, Ian Livingstone-Chalk, is well known for his laziness and incompetence. In criminal circles he is known as ‘Chalk the Pork’ because of his sympathy for the police. One wonders why he is a defence lawyer. Ask Diana to complain to the Bar Council about him, and please remind her to water the garden the tomatoes in the Gro-bags by the kitchen door need at least a litre and a half per plant per day more if the weather is especially hot.

  The Governor, Mr Fossdyke, presented me with your portrait yesterday, the official Coronation one
. I am sitting underneath it as I write. This has caused some resentment amongst my cellmates. They are demanding that Mr Fossdyke presents them with oil paintings of their mothers.

  I wish that Mr Fossdyke would treat me with the contempt with which he treats the other prisoners. Please, could you write to him and ask him to look at me contemptuously the next time he sees me, speak to me harshly, etc. He would take notice of you; he’s clearly an ardent royalist.

  Do remember me to Wills and Harry and tell them that Papa is enjoying his holiday abroad. Give my love to Granny and my regards to Father.

  As you can see, I made a mistake on the enclosed Visiting Order. I meant, of course, to put Diana’s name after yours, but for some extraordinary reason wrote Beverley Threadgold’s instead. I cannot think why. I hope Diana won’t mind waiting a week or possibly two.

  Love,

  Your son Charles.

  PS. The tomatoes need feeding with liquid manure once a week.

  PPS. Did you know that Harris had made a bitch called Kylie pregnant? Kylie’s owner, Allan Gower, is in here, he is a ‘plastic cowboy’ (i.e. a credit card swindler). He is asking me for part payment of the vet’s fees.

  The Queen sat down and immediately wrote to the Governor.

  Gordon Fossdyke Esq

  The Governor

  Castle Prison

  9 Hell Close

  Flowers Estate

  Monday May 25, 1992

  Dear Mr Fossdyke,

  ♦

  As you know, my son is in your care. He writes to tell me of your many kindnesses. I am most grateful, but would appreciate it more if you were to be unkind to him occasionally. I wonder if you could arrange for him to be punished harshly for some minor infringement. I understand this might help to endear him to his fellow cellmates.

  On another matter, why does the food served to prisoners have to be cold? Are you concerned about them burning their mouths, perhaps? I feel sure that there must be some reasons (of which I am unaware) because it is surely within your organisational skills to ensure that the food reaches the prisoners at what you and I would consider to be an appropriate temperature.

  A small point. I sent my son a book, Organic Gardening by Alan Thelwell, over a week ago. Why has it not yet been given to him? An oversight perhaps?

  Yours sincerely,

  Elizabeth Windsor

  The same morning Charles himself had received a letter.

  8 Hellebore Close

  May 23, 1992

  Charles darling,

  Sorry I haven’t written before, but I’ve been so busy! I hope you are well!

  I have had my hair tinted chestnut, everyone says it suits me. I found a terribly nice trouser suit in Help the Aged, it was Max Mara, sort of a blush pink⁄beige colour. With a longish jacket and tapered trousers. And only £2.45! I wore it to William’s parents’ evening with my white shirt (the one with the embroidered collar).

  Last night I went to a dried flower party at Mandy Carter’s. The idea is that you go round and buy some dried flowers and Mandy gets commission on what is sold. Your granny was there with her friend, Philomena. I bought a sweet little basket full of that blue stuff that smells so nice; there’s a lot of it growing at Sandringham, but it’s not heather. Oh you know what it’s called, it begins with an ‘L’, I think. It’s on the tip of my tongue. No, it’s gone.

  Not enough people bought things, so poor Mandy didn’t make any money at all! The woman who demonstrated the dried flowers kindly offered to let me have a party next week, so I said I would! Money is very tight. Victor Berryman (Food-U-R) said it costs £400 a week to keep a prisoner in jail Lucky you!

  I must go now. I have just seen Harris jumping on the Gro-bags!!!

  Love, Diana.

  PS. Lavender!

  PPS. Sonny Christmas died in his sleep last night. Sad, isn’t it! William got fourteen per cent in a maths exam. I told his form tutor that nobody is good at maths in our family, but he said, “You seemed to be able to work your income tax out all right”. What did he mean?

  Charles re-read his wife’s letter. He shuddered every time he came to an exclamation mark. Each one was a visible reminder of the differences between them.

  ∨ The Queen and I ∧

  38

  DANCING TOWARDS THE LIGHT

  The Queen Mother’s ailing body lay in her bed in her bungalow in Hell Close, but her spirit soared 36,000 feet above the clouds in a BOAC De Havilland Comet jet plane. Group Captain John Cunningham was at the controls. His reassuring voice informed her of the countries she was flying over on this non-stop flight: France, Switzerland, Italy and the northern tip of Corsica. It was 1952. They were travelling at the thrilling speed of 510 miles an hour. The picture changed. She was shooting rhinoceros with a big-game rifle; then she was beating out a frantic rhythm on the bongo drums, before strolling over to talk to General Charles de Gaulle and commiserate with him on the fall of France: then she was watching as the Duchess of Windsor’s coffin was carried down the steps of St George’s Chapel, Windsor; a moment later, she had changed into one of her gorgeous frocks and was sharing a box with Noël Coward. The show was Cavalcade. After the show they had supper at the Ivy.

  Philomena Toussaint dipped a corner of a handkerchief into a glass of iced water and used it to moisten the Queen Mother’s lips. It was 3.15 am. The Queen Mother felt the delicious coolness on her mouth and smiled her thanks, but she did not have enough strength to speak or to open her eyes. The Queen had asked Philomena to call a doctor if there was a marked deterioration in her mother’s condition during the night, but Philomena said, “I hain’t calling no doctor. She over ninety years old. She tired; she entitled to sleep forever in the arms of the Good Lord.”

  Philomena brushed the Queen Mother’s hair, applied pink lipstick to her mouth and rouge to her cheeks. She tied the blue ribbons of the Queen Mother’s peignoir together and formed a pretty bow under her chin. Then she remade the bed and placed the Queen Mother’s hands on top of the linen sheets. Philomena waited as the Queen Mother’s breathing became shallower. The light in the room became brighter. A bird sang in the eaves of the bungalow.

  When she judged it was time, she went into the living room next door, where the Queen was asleep, fully dressed, on the sofa. The Queen woke immediately, as soon as Philomena touched her shoulder. She hurried to her mother’s bedside and Philomena put her coat on and went to break the sad news to the other relations that the Queen Mother was dying. The Queen held her mother’s hand and willed her to stay alive. What would she do without her? Anne, Peter and Zara came into the room: “Kiss her goodbye,” said the Queen. Diana arrived next, carrying Harry and holding William’s hand. The boys were wearing their pyjamas. Diana bent down to kiss the Queen Mother’s soft cheek and then encouraged the boys to do the same.

  The tip tap of Margaret’s high heels was heard outside in the street as she hurried behind Philomena. Susan, the Queen Mother’s corgi, climbed onto the bed and lay on the bedspread, on the mound created by the Queen Mother’s feet. Margaret embraced her mother passionately, then asked her sister, “Have you sent for a doctor?” The Queen admitted that she had not, saying, “Mummy is ninety-two. She has had a wonderful life.”

  Philomena said, “I axed her once if she would want pipes and t’ings put into she body and a machine to do she breathin’ an’ she say, ‘Heaven forbid’.”

  Margaret burst out, “But we can’t just sit here and watch her die, not in this ghastly little room, in this ghastly bungalow, in this ghastly close, on this ghastly estate.”

  William said, “She likes it here, and so do I.”

  Word had spread in Hell Close and neighbours began to gather outside the front door. They spoke in quiet voices about their memories of the Queen Mother. Darren Christmas was made to dismount from his noisy moped and push it until he was safely out of earshot of Hell Close. And, as a mark of respect, nobody was allowed to steal from the milk float that morning.

  Reverend Small
bone, the Republican vicar, called at the bungalow at eight o’clock, having been alerted by the newsagent, from whom he bought the only copy of the Independent to be found within a four mile radius. He stood at the Queen Mother’s bedside and muttered inaudibly about heaven and hell and sin and love.

  The Queen Mother opened her eyes and said, “I didn’t want to marry him, you know. He had to ask me three times, I was in love with somebody else!” And closed her eyes again.

  Margaret said, “She doesn’t know what she’s saying; she adored Daddy.”

  The Queen Mother was Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon once more, seventeen, a famous beauty, swirling around the ballroom of Glamis Castle in the arms of her first love, whose name she couldn’t quite remember. Thinking was becoming difficult. It seemed to be getting dark. She could hear voices in the distance, but they were growing fainter and fainter. Then there was darkness but in the far distance a pinprick of bright light. Suddenly she was moving toward the light and the light took her and encompassed her and she was no more than a memory.

  ∨ The Queen and I ∧

  39

  PUNCTUATION

  It was Charles’s turn to choose the station, so everyone in the cell was listening to Radio Four. Brian Redhead was talking to the ex-Governor of the Bank of England, who had resigned the day before. Nobody had yet been found to take his place. Mr Redhead queried, “So, sir, you’re telling me that, in your capacity as Governor of the Bank of England, even you, in your exalted position, did not know the terms of this Japanese loan? I find that hard to believe.”

  “So do I,” said the ex-Governor, bitterly. “Why do you think I resigned?”

  “So how will the loan be repaid?” asked Mr Redhead.