The Queen and I

  “It won’t,” said the Governor, “the vaults are empty. In order to fund his lunatic schemes Mr Barker has successfully robbed the Bank of England.”

  The cell door opened and Mr Pike held out letters, saying, “Fat Oswald, from your mother. Moses, one from your wife, and one from your girlfriend.”

  To Lee he said, “Nothing, as usual.” To Charles he said, “Teck, one, from a moron, judging by the writing on the envelope.”

  Charles opened the envelope, inside were two letters.

  Dear Dad,

  I am alrite are you alrite

  I now you are not on your holiday I seen Darrun Christmas an he tole me you was in the nick

  Harris as wripped up all the plants in the gardin

  Love Harry. 7 years.

  Dear Dad,

  Mum told us a lie that you was on holiday in Scottland. Are video has been stolen and also so has the candlesticks what belonged to that King George what reined years ago. Mr Christmas knows the bloke what took them. He said he is going to beat up this bloke and get are candlesticks back.

  Are school is gettin a new roof soon. Jack Barker sent a letter to Misses Stricklan and she tole us in assembly yestardy.

  Aunty Anne as got a horse called Gilbert. It lives in her back garden in a stabel. It is pink. The stabel not the horse. Will you send us some money from prison we have not got none.

  Love from William.

  P.S. Please write back soon.

  Charles read the two letters with horror. It wasn’t only his sons’ abysmal use of the English language, the misspellings, the contempt shown for the rules of punctuation, the appalling handwriting. It was the contents of the letters. When he got out of prison he would kill Harris. And why hadn’t Diana mentioned the burglary?

  As he was folding the letter, the cell door swung open and Mr Pike said, “Teck, your grandma’s dead. Governor sends his sympathy and says you’ll be let out for the funeral.”

  The door closed again and Charles struggled with his feelings. His cellmates Lee, Carlton and Fat Oswald looked at him and were silent. Some minutes later Lee said, “If I was let out I’d do a runner.”

  Charles stared out of the cell window at the top branches of the sycamore tree and longed for freedom.

  Later that morning, when Fat Oswald returned from his creative writing class, he handed Charles a piece of paper, saying, “It’s for you, to cheer you up.”

  Charles raised himself from his bunk, took the paper from Oswald’s pudgy hand and read:

  Outside

  Outside is cakes and tins of pop

  And you can go into a shop,

  To buy the chocolates that you like,

  Or training shoes: the best is Nike.

  Charles realised that what he was reading was a poem.

  Outside is flowers and trees galore

  If we could leave the prison door.

  There is girls with pretty faces

  We could take them to nice places.

  Outside is where we want to be,

  Charlie, Carlton, Lee and me.

  “I say, it’s frightfully good, Oswald,” said Charles, who certainly agreed with the sentiments the poem expressed, though he abhorred the banality of the construction.

  Fat Oswald heaved himself onto his top bunk, beaming with pride. “Read it out loud, Charlie,” said Lee, who, until now, had not realised that he was sharing a cell with a fellow poet.

  When Charles had read the poem aloud to his fellow cell mates, Carlton said, “That’s a wicked poem, man.”

  Lee remained silent. He was burning with creative jealousy. In his opinion, his own ‘Fluffy the Kitten’ was by far the superior poem.

  Charles lay on his bunk, the last line of the poem kept repeating itself in his head:

  Outside is where we want to be,

  Charlie, Carlton, Lee and me.

  ∨ The Queen and I ∧

  40

  WOMEN’S WORK

  Philomena and Violet knew how to lay out a body. It was something they had learnt to do in the past when times had been hard. They hadn’t expected to be needed in 1992, but their services were once again in demand. Few people in Hell Close could afford to pay for the services of an undertaker. Not unless they went into crippling debt or the cause of death was an industrial accident (in which case the employer was anxious to placate the family). Insurance policies were considered to be items of fabulous luxury, as exotic as having a holiday abroad or eating roast beef on Sunday.

  Knowing how important it was to keep busy at such times, the women had sent the Queen out on various small errands. The Queen had gone willingly. Without her mother’s lively presence, she found the bungalow horribly oppressive.

  When the two women had finished their work, they went to the end of the bed and looked at the Queen Mother. She had a small smile on her lips, as though she were dreaming of something rather pleasant. They had dressed her in her favourite blue evening gown and matching sapphire jewellery twinkled on her ears and around her throat.

  “She looks serene, don’t she?” said Philomena, proudly.

  Violet wiped her eyes and said, “I never see the point of ‘avin’ the Royal Family, but she were a nice woman, spoilt but nice.”

  They checked everything was tidy, then left the bedroom and began to clean the rest of the bungalow. They anticipated having many visitors over the next few days and they had sent Wilf to the shops for extra tea-bags, milk and sugar. Diana joined them in the kitchen. She had brought a bunch of purple flowers on long stalks. Behind her Ray-Bans, her eyes were swollen from crying.

  “I picked these from the garden,” she said. “They’re for…the Queen Mother’s lying in state, or whatever it’s called.”

  A pungent smell insinuated itself around the kitchen.

  “They’re chives” said Violet, sniffing at the bouquet. “They’re ‘erbs,” she explained.

  “Oh, are they?” said Diana, blushing and confused. “Charles will be so cross with me.”

  “Don’t matter,” said Violet. “Only they do pong.”

  “Lilies is what’s needed,” said Philomena, “but the t’ings is one pound twenty-five each.”

  “What’s one pound twenty-five each?” asked Fitzroy Toussaint, entering the kitchen.

  “Lilies, the kind that smells so sweet,” said his mother. “The kind the Queen Mother liked.”

  Fitzroy had never actually met Diana before. He took her face, figure, legs, hair, teeth and complexion in with a practised glance. He saw that the black suit was Caroline Charles and the suede shoes with the pointed toes were Emma Hope. What wouldn’t he give to take this blushing lady out to the Starlight Club for a few Margueritas and a session on the dance floor? Diana looked over the chives at Fitzroy. He was so tall and beautiful those high cheekbones. And his clothes were Paul Smith, his shoes were Gieves and Hawkes. He smelt so delicious. His voice was as smooth as syrup. His fingernails were clean. His teeth were perfect. She had heard he was kind to his mother.

  Fitzroy said to Diana, “I’m going to buy some lilies, fancy a drive?”

  Diana said, “Yes,” and they left the oldies in the kitchen and headed for the florist’s.

  Diana walked around the front of the car towards the passenger seat but Fitzroy said, “Hey! Catch!” and threw the car keys to her. Diana caught them, crossed to the other side of the car, opened the driver’s door and slipped behind the steering wheel.

  At the barrier, Inspector Holyland stared at Diana and Fitzroy and said, “Are you prison visiting today, Mrs Teck?” Diana lowered her eyes and shook her head. Every morning since Charles had been imprisoned she had waited for a Visiting Order but it hadn’t yet arrived. The barrier lifted and Diana drove out of Hell Close and towards a world she was more familiar with: smart cars, handsome escorts and expensive flowers. She drove down Marigold Road and passed the Infants School where Harry was running in the playground. He had his coat over his head and was playing muggers his favourite game. She skirted th
e Recreation Ground and saw Harris leading a large pack of unruly dogs through a tunnel on the children’s play area.

  Fitzroy slotted a cassette into the car stereo. Pavarotti’s voice filled the car ‘Nessun Dorma’.

  “I hope you don’t mind?” he said.

  “Oh no, he’s my absolute fave, I saw him live in Hyde Park. Charles prefers Wagner.”

  Fitzroy said sympathetically, “Wagner’s bad news.”

  He leaned forward and pressed another button and the sun roof opened. Pavarotti’s voice escaped and attracted the attention of the Queen, who was standing outside Food-U-R, receiving the condolences of Victor Berryman. The Queen looked up and saw Diana driving Fitzroy Toussaint, who was sitting in the front passenger seat waving his arms to the music.

  What now? the Queen thought and she picked her carrier bags up and started to trudge back to Hell Close.

  As Diana sped down the dual carriageway which led to the town, she and Fitzroy joined in with the final bars of ‘Nessun Dorma’, adding their own comparatively puny voices to the sweet bellow that was Pavarotti’s. On the opposite side of the road, heading toward the Flowers Estate, was a horse and cart. Traffic was lined up behind it; furious motorists peered ahead, waiting for an opportunity to overtake.

  “It’s my sister-in-law and her bloke,” said Diana as she passed them.

  “They look like a pair of gypsies,” said Fitzroy disparagingly. “And what did that horse have on his head?”

  Diana glanced into the rear view mirror. “It’s the hat that Anne wore at Ascot last year,” she said, adding drily, “It looks better on the horse, though.”

  She was pleased when Fitzroy laughed. It was a long time since she had made Charles laugh.

  As they passed the prison, Diana said, “Poor Charles.”

  Fitzroy said, “Yeah, you must be lonely without him, I expect?”

  Their eyes met for a split second. But it was long enough for them both to know that Diana was not going to be too lonely. There would be compensations. Diana blossomed.

  Meanwhile, in Charles’s garden, the sun was beating down. And the water was evaporating from the Gro-Bags and the hanging baskets and the seed trays, leaving the compost as dry as the Nevada Desert.

  ∨ The Queen and I ∧

  41

  READING THE NEWS

  Next afternoon, Violet Toby knocked on the Queen’s back door and walked straight into the kitchen. She was holding that day’s edition of the Middleton Mercury. Harris poked his head out from under the kitchen table and growled at Violet, but she kicked out at him with the sharp point of a high-heeled shoe and he retreated. Violet found the Queen in the living room ironing a silk blouse. The Queen was having difficulty with the collar.

  “Wretched thing keeps puckering,” she said.

  Violet took the iron from the Queen, and checked the variable control switch. “You got it on linen,” she said. “Tha’s why.”

  The Queen switched the iron off and invited Violet to sit down.

  Violet said, “I wondered if you’ve seen this. It’s about your mam.”

  She handed the Queen the open newspaper. On page seven, under a report that a white tee-shirt had been stolen from a washing line in the early hours of Sunday morning in Pigston Magna, was another small news item:

  FORMER QUEEN MOTHER DIES

  The former Queen Mother, who in 1967 opened the Casualty Department at Middleton Royal Hospital, has died in Hellebore Close, the Flowers Estate. She was 92.

  The Queen gave the newspaper back to Violet who said, “Don’t you want to cut it out?”

  “No,” said the Queen. “It’s hardly worth keeping, is it?” Then she noticed that the front page headline screamed:

  LOAN CRISIS: JAPAN ISSUES ULTIMATUM.

  She took the newspaper back from Violet and read that Jack Barker had been closeted in an eight-hour meeting with Treasury Officials, and the Japanese Finance Minister the previous day. No statement had been issued to the waiting media.

  The Middleton Mercury’s financial correspondent, Marcus Moore, wrote that in his opinion, Britain faced its gravest crisis since the dark days of the War. He continued indignantly,

  No details about the precise collateral for the multi-billion yen loan have been made public. Mr Barker’s commitment to open government must now be seen as a sham. Why oh why, are we being kept in the dark? What has Britain pledged to give Japan? The Middleton Mercury insists, ‘WE MUST BE TOLD’.

  “Interesting, this Japanese loan thing,” said the Queen as she handed the paper back to Violet for the second time.

  “Is it?” said Violet. “I couldn’t care less about politics myself. It don’t affect my life, does it?”

  “But I thought you supported Jack Barker, Violet,” said the Queen.

  “Yeah, I do,” said Violet, “But he’ll be out on ‘is arse soon, won’t ‘e?”

  The Queen thought about the worsening financial crisis and agreed that Violet could be right. As she folded the ironing board away, and put it in the understairs cupboard, she wondered how she would feel about returning to Buckingham Palace. It would be awfully nice to have other, unseen hands to do her ironing for her of course, but the prospect of resuming her official duties made her shudder. She hoped that Jack would find a way out of his difficulties.

  ∨ The Queen and I ∧

  42

  WORKING WITH WOOD

  The next day in Hell Close the Queen was watching as George Beresford knocked the last nail into the coffin.

  “There,” he said. “Fit for a Queen, eh?”

  “A beautiful job,” said the Queen. “How much do I owe you?”

  George was offended. “Nowt,” he said. “It were only a few off-cuts and I already ‘ad the nails.” He ran his hands over the coffin. Then he lifted the coffin lid away from where it leant against the garden fence and tried it for size.

  “Lovely fit, though I shouldn’t say so myself.”

  “I must pay you for your time,” insisted the Queen, who hoped that George’s time came cheap. The Social Services funeral grant was not extravagant.

  George said, “I’m master of my own time now. If I can’t help a neighbour out, it’s a poor do.”

  The Queen ran her hands over the lid of the coffin. “You’re a craftsman, George,” she said.

  “I were apprenticed to a cabinet maker. I worked for Barlows for fifteen years,” he said.

  The name meant nothing to the Queen, but she could tell from the proud tone of George’s voice that Barlows were a well-respected firm.

  “Why did you leave Barlows?” she asked.

  “I ‘ad to look after the wife,” he said, his face clouding over.

  “She was ill?” asked the Queen.

  “She ‘ad a stroke,” said George. “She were only thirty-three, never stopped talking. Anyroad, one minute she were waving me off to work, the next time I see ‘er, she’s in hospital. Can’t talk, can’t move, can’t smile. She could cry though,” George said sadly. “Anyway,” he continued, still with his back to the Queen, “there were no one else to look after her. Wash ‘er and feed ‘er and stuff, and there were the little ‘uns, our Tony and John, so I gave my job up. Then, after she’d passed on, Barlows had gone bust and all I could get was shopfittin’ work. I could do it with my eyes shut. Still it were work. I’m not happy if I’m not working. It’s not just the money,” he said. He turned round to face the Queen, anxious to make his point. “It’s just the feeling of…it’s somebody needin’ you…I mean, what are you if you’re not workin’? I ‘ad some good mates at the shopfittin’,” he said. “I’ve lived on me own for three year and I’d be watchin’ a good telly programme and I’d be on me own and I’d think, in the morning I’ll tell me mates about this.” George laughed. “Pathetic really, i’n’t it?”

  “Do you still see your mates?” asked the Queen.

  “No, it don’t work like that,” said George. “I can’t arrange to see ‘em; they’d think I’d gone soft.??
? He started to put his tools away into slots sewn inside a canvas bag. There was a home for each tool. The Queen noticed that ‘Barlows’ was stamped in black ink inside the tool bag. She took a sweeping brush and started to sweep the curled wood shavings into a heap.

  George took the brush from her, saying, “You shun’t be doin’ that.”

  The Queen grabbed the brush back and said, “I’m perfectly capable of sweeping a few wood shavings…”

  “No,” said George, regaining control of the brush. “You weren’t brought up to do the dirty work.”

  “Then perhaps I should have been,” said the Queen, as she yanked the brush out of George’s hands again.

  There was silence between them, each concentrated on their work. George polished the coffin and the Queen put the shavings into a black plastic bag. Then George said, “I’m sorry about your mam.”

  “Thank you,” said the Queen, and burst into tears for the first time since her mother’s death. George put his cloth down and took the Queen in his arms, saying, “There, there, let it all out. Go on, you ‘ave a good cry.”

  The Queen did have a good cry. George led her inside his neat home, showed her the sofa, ordered her to lie down, gave her a toilet roll to mop her tears and left her to her own misery. He knew that she would prefer it if he wasn’t there to watch her abandon herself to her grief. After fifteen minutes, when her sobs had subsided a little, he carried a tray of tea into the living room. The Queen sat up and took the cup and saucer that he offered her.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said.

  “I’m not,” said George.

  As they drank their tea, the Queen tried to work out exactly how many cups of tea she had drunk since she’d moved to Hell Close. It must be hundreds.

  “Such a comfort, a cup of tea,” she said aloud to George.

  “It’s hot and cheap,” said George. “A bit of a treat when you’ve got nowt. An’ it breaks the day up, don’t it?”