The Impossible Vastness of Us

  “Yes. Cut the crap. I miss you. Okay. I miss you...like...a lot. And not just my friend. I miss the other stuff.” He grinned at her boyishly. “A lot.”

  She stared up at him, a small smile beginning to play on her lips. “What are you saying?”

  “I want to be with you.” He glanced toward us, realizing we were all watching intently. As were the table next to us. Gabe straightened, and slid his arm around Charlotte’s shoulders, drawing her into his side. “That’s right,” he told us, puffing his chest up with pride. “Charlotte and I are together.” He looked down at her. “You still want us to be together, right?”

  She giggled. “Yes.”

  His answering grin was huge. And then he kissed her. A deep, embarrassingly long kiss that made Joshua wolf-whistle, and a guy at the next table shout, “Get a room!”

  I was happy for my friends.

  I was. Truly.

  But Gabe’s public declaration of his feelings for Charlotte only made my already raw feelings over my secret relationship with Finn worse.

  Elle and I shared a smile, and I tried my best to hide my pain, and probably failed. Luckily Elle didn’t have time to question my sad smile because Bryce was kicking off.

  “What the hell have I missed?” She glared at us all. “And why are none of you surprised by this development?” She threw a hand out at Gabe and Charlotte.

  Charlotte and Eloise started to mollify Bryce but I wasn’t paying attention anymore.

  Maybe it was the heaviness of the last few days, maybe I’d been ripped open and that gaping wound would take time to heal and in the meantime was causing me no small amount of sensitivity, but those doubts I’d had about keeping me and Finn a secret came rushing over me in powerful waves.

  “Open your eyes, Trash.”

  I squeezed my eyes closed against the memories and when I opened them again I homed in on Finn’s father across the room.

  “My son does not date trash.”

  I felt an uncomfortable buzzing in my ears as my heart began to pound. I dragged my eyes from Mr. Rochester and they landed on Jasper Oliphant, who had been invited with his parents.

  “Do you think I really need to force myself on a piece of trash like her?”

  I pushed away from the table in an effort to push out their words.

  “India?” Elle looked at me in concern.

  “You okay?” Finn said quietly.

  “I’m fine. I just need to use the restroom.” I hurried out of the ballroom, but instead of going into the busy restroom I wandered the country club until I found a large empty conservatory on the other side of the building. Inside it was filled with patio tables and chairs piled on top of one another—their summer garden furniture taken inside during the winter months. I pulled a chair down carefully and sat in it with relief. It was so quiet here. I could hear myself think.

  And what I thought was that I was jealous today.

  Hurt and jealous.

  I knew Finn cared about me, I knew I was his girlfriend, but there was something to be said for a guy being proud to share who his girlfriend really was.

  I knew if Finn could he would—at least, I hoped he would. The truth was I didn’t know. His father would give him so much shit over it that I had to wonder: if Eloise wasn’t standing between us...would he tell the world I was his girl?

  I’d worried over that from the start but I’d buried the fear because I knew how it would make me feel.

  Like I wasn’t good enough.

  Like I was trash.

  And Finn was right, I guess. I was strong. Strong enough to realize that I couldn’t cope with that kind of poison in my head, not after I’d fought so hard to suck out the toxic crap my dad had tried to seep into my blood with his abuse. I had worked my ass off. That’s why I cared so damn much about being popular, because I felt worth something—my classmates, my teachers, they made me feel worth something. Not one of them ever made me feel like trash.

  And I couldn’t have that in my head again...and if I couldn’t...

  I choked on the thought, my hands curling into fists.

  “There you are.”

  I stiffened at Finn’s voice and turned to watch as he strolled into the room. He squeezed past a pile of furniture and lowered himself to his haunches before me. “Hey.” His eyes roamed my face. “What’s going on?”

  “You’re strong. Stronger than you realize. That’s your safe place, India.”

  This boy had been kind to me, loving, devoted. I needed his brand of kind like I needed food. To have him care about me, to kiss me, to touch me, felt just as important as not feeling like I wasn’t good enough.

  So how did I decide what was better for me?

  Apparently, Finn knew I’d already decided before I did.

  He put a knee to the ground, his whole body slumping forward as his eyes grew wet. “No. You’re not doing this.”

  I blinked and tears I hadn’t even realized were there fell hotly down my cheeks.

  “Why?” he said, the word cracked and broken.

  I forced myself to look at him even though it killed me. “Because it hurts too much. Watching you with Elle and everyone thinking she’s yours, that you’re proud that she’s yours. And then Gabe... He finally got his head out of his ass about Charlotte and he wanted the whole world to know how he feels about her. It hurts that we can’t do that.”

  “Then I’ll try harder.” He grabbed my hands. “We can make it work.”

  “No, we can’t. Not in secret. I can’t feel that way about myself.”

  “What way?”

  “Like I’m not good enough. I thought I could put it aside but I can’t. It’s too big. It’s too dangerous for me. I can’t go back to feeling the way he made me feel.”

  He dropped my hand, shock and hurt slackening his features. “You’re comparing me to him?”

  “No,” I hurried to assure him. “Not like that. It’s not your fault. But hiding us makes me feel like I’m a dirty secret, like I’m trash you’re not proud to be in public with.”

  “I can’t be in public with you because of Eloise.” He told me what I already knew, sounding exasperated and panicked. “You know that. If we could be together in public I’d be bragging about it like a smug ass, like Gabe. You know that. I told you how it makes me feel that I can’t tell everyone we’re together.”

  “Is it true, though?” I dared to whisper. “Could you really? Say Elle wasn’t in the picture...could you cope with the pressure from your dad?”

  And there it was.

  Finn’s whole body seemed to deflate in defeat. He didn’t want me to do this, but he wasn’t sure of the truth himself.

  I swiped angrily at my tears, not wanting to blame him, attempting to understand because I knew I should. I stood, and he looked up at me like I was taking away his whole world.

  There was sharpness in my chest, lodged deep, painful and unmoving. “Thank you, Finn,” I whispered, and then I laughed sadly. “It’s funny...no one has ever made me feel so good about myself, not like you have, and yet it’s ending because of how bad our relationship makes me feel. Go figure.”

  “India.” He stood suddenly, towering over me. He ran a hand through his hair, his fingers curling tightly into the strands. “What can I say? Tell me what to say.”

  I brushed another tear aside. “How about... I hope you have a great life and that you get everything you want.”

  His mouth trembled.

  “Finn,” I whispered, unable to speak louder because of the tears in my throat, “I hope you have a great life and that you get everything you want.”

  At that, Finn, a boy who could hide pain so easily before, began to cry, and before I changed my mind and threw my arms around him, I did the hardest thing I’d ever done so far in my short,
chaotic existence.

  I walked away from him.

  * * *

  I don’t remember the rest of the wedding reception. All I remember was that I didn’t see Finn again that whole night.

  The next morning I knew I didn’t have to be up for breakfast because Hayley and Theo were staying at a hotel in Boston. They weren’t going on their honeymoon until the day after Christmas. I’d have to put my game face on for a few more days.

  But for now, in their absence, I could wallow.

  I hadn’t slept a wink. Nor had I cried.

  I think I was somehow trying to numb myself to the pain.

  I was that girl. The one who gets her heart broken by a boy and doesn’t know how she’s supposed to put one foot in front of the other without him. I didn’t want to be that girl.

  How did I become her?

  I groaned and pulled my duvet up over my head.

  “Hiding won’t help.”

  Yanking the duvet back down, I narrowed my crusty eyes on Eloise. She stood in her pajamas by my doorway, her features strained. “He told you,” I surmised.

  She strode inside and hovered over me. “Do you blame me?”

  I frowned. “Is Finn blaming you?”

  “He’s...” Pain darkened her expression. “He says no, but he’s mad at me. I can tell.”

  “Misplacement,” I promised her. “Even if you hadn’t asked him to maintain the pretense of being your boyfriend, we’d still be in this mess. I won’t pretend anymore, and he probably would have asked me to so he didn’t have to deal with the fallout from his father, who thinks I’m trash.”

  “I don’t believe Finn would have asked that of you,” she said, hopping up onto my bed. “He can deal with his dad.”

  Elle didn’t know what his father was fully capable of. I looked away. “Doesn’t matter now, anyway.”

  “Why does this have to be so melodramatic? Couldn’t you just put up with this for another couple of years? A few years in the grand scheme of things is nothing. Please, India.” She grabbed my hand to draw my focus back to her face. “You broke Finn’s heart last night.”

  I flinched and pulled my hand away. “You don’t get it.”

  “Then make me get it, because I’m the one stuck in the middle.”

  Suddenly I was flooded with anger. “Trash!” I yelled, pushing up into a sitting position. “Trash, trash, trash!”

  Eloise winced. “Wha—”

  “My dad called me that all the time. Among other gems like ‘nothing,’ ‘worthless,’ ‘useless.’ And since I got here Finn’s father called me trash, your friends have called me trash and Jasper called me trash. I worked my butt off back in Cali to not let that piece of crap that shared my DNA win the battle of destroying my self-worth. I will not think of myself as trash. And being Finn’s dirty little secret because his father thinks that’s what I am would eat at me and eat at me, and in the end I’d hate myself for ever letting them win.”

  My stepsister stared at me wide-eyed.

  “You’ve got nothing to say?”

  “Not anymore.” She got off the bed. “Just that in light of that...I think you did the right thing. Pancakes?”

  “What?”

  “Do you want pancakes? I think this situation warrants pancakes, because as badass as you just sounded I know you’re in love with Finn and I know your heart is breaking. You might think that makes you weak but I don’t, so we’re having pancakes and a whole day of ice cream since I’ve been led to believe ice cream is a balm for a broken heart.”

  I sighed and pushed the duvet back, rolling out of my bed. “I really didn’t want to like you, you know that. You’re a pain in my ass, Fairweather.”

  “Right back at ya, Ma—” Elle stopped and turned to me. “Are you keeping the name Maxwell?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it.” I shrugged and moved past her out the door. Now that she’d mentioned pancakes I wanted to see if there was enough maple syrup to drown my emotions.

  “You should really consider Fairweather. That’s a name that will open doors in this town.”

  “I’ll think on it, then.”

  “Plus, India Fairweather sounds like a very important person, don’t you think?”

  I snorted, shocked she’d managed to amuse me when I felt like my insides had been put through a meat grinder. “I said I’ll think on it. India Fairweather does have a nice ring to it.”

  It would mean another change, but a better change than the last one in my life.

  * * *

  Christmas came and went quickly, and it turned out, unsurprisingly, that Christmas at the Fairweathers’ meant getting spoiled by gifts and way too much food. Eloise bought me a diamond tennis bracelet and Hayley and Theo bought me my very own Jaguar.

  My very own Jaguar.

  Expensive jewelry and cars for Christmas. This was my life now.

  The amazing gifts, however, couldn’t fill the emptiness I felt in my life. If Hayley and Theo wondered what was up with me they didn’t ask. Whether to give me privacy or to preserve holiday cheer, I didn’t know. All I knew was that if I hadn’t missed Finn with every fiber of my being, it might have been the best Christmas I ever had.

  Worse, I hated knowing Finn was in Austria with his father, suffering in the presence of that awful man, and he didn’t have me to turn to.

  “How is Finn?” I’d found the courage to ask Elle, hoping that at least she was there for him.

  She’d given me this sad look. “He’s not answering my texts.”

  Great.

  I had well and truly annihilated our threesome.

  Hayley and Theo took off for their month-long honeymoon trip to Europe, and Elle and I had little else to do but hang out with each other. When she wasn’t talking online with Sarah, Elle shared FaceTime chats with me and Anna (who thought Eloise was awesome) and hung around the house with me and then with our friends when they got home from their own Christmas breaks.

  It was through Joshua that we finally heard word of Finn.

  “I can’t believe Finn is skiing in Austria while we’re stuck here,” Bryce complained as we sat around the roaring fire in her father’s mansion.

  “Oh, yeah, because we have it so bad,” Eloise snarked.

  “Hey, I’d rather be here than in Finn’s shoes.” Joshua sighed. “His dad is such a dick.”

  “How so?” I said, attempting not to sound too interested.

  “Well, I’m sure Elle already told you, but Finn’s dad is trying to get him to sign an actual contract stating that he intends to attend Harvard Business School if he gets in.”

  Elle hid her surprise by ducking her head but I’m pretty sure my eyes were popping out of mine. “What?”

  Joshua looked grim. “He takes the overbearing successful parent cliché to a new level.”

  “He can’t make Finn sign that,” I said vehemently. “That’s not even legal, right?”

  I felt Eloise’s touch on my leg and flushed, realizing my reaction might seem like an overreaction.

  “Sorry.” I shrugged. “I just... I hate bullies, you know.”

  “Yeah.” Gabe scowled. “I really don’t like that guy.”

  “None of us do,” Bryce said. “He’s not exactly full of warmth, and that’s coming from me.”

  I smirked at her rare moment of self-deprecation.

  “I wonder how Finn turned out so well,” Charlotte said a little dreamily.

  Gabe shoved her gently. “Hey. I’m sitting right here.”

  She blushed and mouthed her apology.

  “His mother,” Eloise said quietly. “Finn is like his mother. She was kind. Warm.”

  “You remember her?” I said.

  “Yes. Her mother and mine were best friends
. She worked a lot but when she was around it was kind of magical.” She smiled, remembering. “She had this ability to make you feel like you were the most special person in the whole world and she had nowhere else she’d rather be. I bet that made her a great doctor.”

  “I’m sorry.” I realized that she’d lost Finn’s mom, too. That was a lot of loss before she’d even hit fourteen.

  Her grateful smile was sad. “Thanks.”

  “Well, it just got depressing in here.” Bryce jumped to her feet. “I say we break into my dad’s liquor cabinet.”

  CHAPTER 21

  THE REST OF vacation flew by. I’d stayed at home while Eloise attended Gabe’s parents’ New Year’s Eve party and I had to admit it was the loneliest New Year’s I’d had in a while. Even with a strained relationship with Hayley, my New Year’s had always been nice. When it wasn’t spent with her, it was at parties my friends threw. This was the first one I’d spent alone. As if Elle had some kind of spider sense, she’d come home five minutes before midnight, and we sat in the back living room with a mug of cocoa saying everything we felt without saying anything at all.

  Before I knew it, the days were racing toward the new semester, and somehow I found myself standing by Eloise’s locker on the first day back at school, feeling like I was going to upchuck.

  “Stop it,” Elle admonished.

  “Stop what? I’m not doing anything.”

  “You’re emitting extremely high levels of nervous energy, and it’s making me nervous.”

  “You should be nervous. Finn hasn’t spoken to you since the wedding. Doesn’t that upset you?”

  “Of course it upsets me.” She slammed her locker closed. “But Finn and I have been friends for years, and I have no doubt that we’ll work things out.”

  “Unlike him and me,” I muttered.

  She didn’t need to say anything. It was true, after all.

  “Shh.” Eloise turned to me. “Bryce and Charlotte.”

  I glanced beyond her shoulder and saw our friends strolling toward us, as always looking like something out of the pages of a high-fashion spread.

  Bryce frowned at me as they drew to a stop. “You look terrible. Are you bulimic again?”