The Impossible Vastness of Us

  “I never was bulimic.”

  “You know if you don’t deal with your denial you’ll never get better.”

  I looked at Eloise. “I’m going to punch her in the face.”

  Elle’s mouth twitched and she shot Bryce a look. “Stop it.”

  Bryce shrugged, amusement dancing in her eyes. “What?”

  “Maybe we can get through this semester without you trying to rile someone?”

  “And where is the fun in that?” Bryce grinned just as the first bell rang.

  The butterflies in my stomach suddenly went on a rampage.

  I drew in a shuddering breath and followed the girls to Microeconomics.

  Tentatively I stepped inside the classroom and I felt like I’d swallowed a gust of wind when I saw Finn sitting in his usual seat. He glanced up at us, before focusing solely on Elle.

  He didn’t even look at me.

  Rubbing my sweaty palms on my outer thighs I made my way over to my chair, watching as Elle stopped to talk to Finn.

  Their words were too quiet to hear but I guessed all was forgiven when Finn took hold of her hand. They stared meaningfully into each other’s eyes and relief lit up Elle’s face. She kissed him on the cheek and took her seat beside him.

  I waited for him to look up at me, but instead he stared at his desk.

  Rejected, guilty, angry, hurt, I practically fell onto my seat with the weight of my emotions and stared straight ahead.

  I didn’t feel his burning eyes on me the entire time.

  It was like I was invisible to him now.

  That stung.

  When the bell rang I was already packed up. I hurried from the classroom before anyone could say anything, desperate to get away from Finn.

  In Fiction Writing Charlotte attempted to ask me if anything was wrong but I shut her out, hurting her, and adding more guilt to the smorgasbord of feelings I was currently experiencing.

  Knowing Modern European History was coming up, I contemplated cutting class. I even contemplated cutting school for the rest of the day, but in the end I knew it would just be delaying the inevitable. I couldn’t exactly cut class for the rest of my life, now could I?

  If only there was a way to do that and still become an attorney.

  I got to history class before Finn did, and it made things a tiny bit easier because I could keep my head down, focus on my desk and pretend that Finn wasn’t ignoring me.

  When he came into the room, I felt it. I was aware of every move he made as he slid into the seat next to mine. It was almost like how things were between us when we couldn’t admit to ourselves that we liked each other.

  But it was worse. Much worse.

  In the last romance novel I read, the heroine had said to the hero after he broke up with her that it had been better not knowing what she was missing, and she wished she’d never met him. I was kind of pissed at her at the time because secretly I liked to think Tennyson had it right—it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

  Now I got where the heroine was coming from. Right now it didn’t feel better to have loved and lost. Right now I wished to God that Finn and I were strangers, because I felt ready to burst into tears every five seconds, and crying in public, in high school, was in the top five most mortifying things that could happen to a teenager.

  By the time class ended I had a bunch of notes I’d written that I would really need to take a look at later because I had no memory of writing them. I’d been on autopilot, Franklin’s words a blur.

  This time I waited for Finn to pack up his stuff and leave the class first. When he leaned down for his book bag, I got a whiff of his cologne and the pleasant flip that I got in my belly now radiated up into my chest and seemed to pulse against the sharpness that was lodged in there.

  It hurt like a mother-effer.

  “Paper tonight,” Franklin reminded me as I was leaving.

  “Sure thing.” I smiled wanly, ignoring his answering frown of concern.

  If class had been bad, nothing could prepare me for the excruciating hour at lunch. I’d thought for sure Finn would go off with his senior buds to Lulu’s, but it seemed he was a masochist (or worse, no longer cared), because there he was, sitting next to Joshua and talking to Elle.

  Elle looked over at me as I waited in line for food. I gave her a shrug. Thirty seconds later my phone buzzed in my pocket.

  Eloise had sent a text.

  Eloise: If you want I could make up a terrible excuse to get out of here...

  I smiled in gratitude at the message and quickly texted back.

  India: Thanks for the offer but let’s just act like there’s nothing up.

  With that in mind I strode over to our table with my shoulders back and took my seat, wearing what I hoped was a perfectly bland expression.

  Since Finn and I had become friends over the last few months I knew they’d find it weird if I didn’t acknowledge his presence. Again.

  “Hey, Finn,” I said quietly, not looking at him as I opened up my sandwich. “How was Austria?”

  And for the first time in what felt like forever I felt the comforting heat of his eyes on my face. “Cold,” he said.

  I almost closed my eyes at the sound of his voice.

  Jesus, I was such a goner.

  “Shocker.” I threw him a quick smile and looked back down at my food.

  “You’re certainly Mr. Monosyllabic today,” Bryce said to him. “Was Rochester an extra pain in the ass on the skiing trip?”

  This time I couldn’t help but look at Finn. I wanted to know the answer to that.

  He frowned at Bryce. “Yeah. It was a nice break from your brand of pain in the ass, though.”

  Gabe choked on his burger while the rest of us tried to contain our reactions to the uncharacteristic dig.

  Bryce handled the gibe with the aplomb of a seasoned mean girl. She quirked one finely waxed eyebrow at him. “Well, look who decided to get a personality in Austria. I have to say I’m impressed.”

  Finn snorted. “Of course you’d be impressed by someone being a shit to you.”

  “Ooh, stop, Finn, or I might just have to dump Joshua for you,” she said.

  Joshua made a WTF face. “By all means.”

  “And get my dick frozen off by the ice queen?” Finn curled his lip. “I’ll pass.”

  “Hey, man,” Joshua warned.

  “Oh, sweetie, I appreciate it but I don’t need your help.” Bryce turned from Joshua to sneer at Finn. “Whatever has crawled up your butt, Rochester, don’t take it out on me. There’s friendly hissing, like what India and I share—” she gestured to me casually “—and then there’s drawing blood with a few well-placed scratches. That’s called crossing the line.”

  They were locked in a staring match for a few seconds.

  Was Finn’s attitude because of me? Was he ignoring me as a way to deal with the breakup?

  And maybe talking to him was so not a good idea.

  Suddenly Finn shook his head. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He looked down at the table.

  Bryce sniffed and shrugged back her shoulders. “You’re forgiven, since I know your father is an asshole.”

  I couldn’t help my smile at her retort and watched as Joshua grinned and leaned over to press a kiss at the corner of her mouth. For a moment her expression softened on him and for the first time since meeting her I saw what Joshua saw in her. There was possibility for Bryce. There was kindness and even understanding in her. It was too damn bad they lost out to her bitchiness so much.

  The rest of lunch was excruciating for me, and I was guessing for Finn, too. He didn’t say another word for the rest of the period and no one expected him to. I could only imagine our friends blamed it on whatever had occurred be
tween him and his father.

  As for me, I tried to say a few words here and there so that they wouldn’t connect our bad moods to each other. It was difficult, and I thanked God for Elle, who was a lot more talkative than usual in an attempt to make up for us.

  It had been a while since I’d been so thankful for a lunch period to be over.

  * * *

  “Are you going in or are you just going to stare at the door?”

  I blinked at the voice, pulled from my thoughts of turning tail and heading home. I wasn’t sure if Finn would be present at the Chronicle meeting, and despite my brave words to Eloise earlier, I wasn’t really keen on repeating our lunch period.

  I glanced up and found Patrick smiling quizzically down at me.

  “Patrick?”

  “India.” He grinned. “You have a Chronicle meeting, right?”

  “Right. How...?”

  He shrugged. “Katherine told me the paper schedule.”

  “Oh. So what are you doing here?”

  “I stayed late. Studying. I saw you standing here and couldn’t leave without saying hi.” He gave me this soft, flirty look. “How was your break?”

  I shrugged. “It was fine.”

  “Are your parents back from their honeymoon?”

  “Another ten days.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  I shook my head. “Stressed already.”

  He stepped closer, ducking his head to look deep into my eyes. “I guess this would be a bad time to ask you out, then, huh?”

  I stared back, speechless with surprise.

  Someone cleared their throat. Loudly.

  Patrick and I jerked away from one another and turned toward the intruder.

  My heart immediately started acting like that damn metal detector again.

  Beep. Beep. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

  Finn stared stonily at us. “Can I get by, please?” he bit out, gesturing toward the door we were blocking.

  “Finn,” Patrick said, “how are you?”

  I stepped aside so Finn could pass and as he did he put his back to me, giving his entire focus to Patrick. “I’ve been better.”

  Patrick raised his eyebrows, watching Finn as he pushed into the classroom. “Sorry to hear that,” he called after him.

  Finn’s acknowledgment consisted of him slamming the door shut behind him.

  Bemused, Patrick looked at me. “Something I said?”

  “No,” I assured him. “I better go in.”

  “And the answer to my question?” He gave me another charming grin meant to entice me.

  Months ago I might have considered it a good idea, a distraction, but now the thought of dating anyone else made me cold inside and out. “I’m sorry. I’m concentrating on school right now.”

  He looked genuinely disappointed but also something else. Something I recognized well.

  He looked determined.

  And I wasn’t wrong.

  “I’m not giving up,” he said as he backed away.

  “Patrick, I—”

  “Nope.” He waved me off as he kept walking backward. “Nothing you say will change my mind. I like you, Maxwell, and when I want something I don’t throw in the towel the first time I strike out.”

  “Patri—”

  He cupped his ear. “What’s that? I can’t hear no or any word filled with the intonation of a no.”

  I laughed despite myself. “You’re nuts.”

  He grinned. “I’m patient.” He winked and turned away, striding off with the confidence of a good-looking guy from a good family who apparently didn’t care if their son dated someone like me.

  Sighing, I pushed inside the media room, my eyes automatically searching out Finn. He was talking to Franklin and he glanced up at my appearance only to glower at me for a split second before going back to ignoring me.

  Great.

  Now I was not only the girl who broke his heart, I was the girl who broke his heart and was flirting with his teammate.

  Good job, Maxwell, good job.

  * * *

  I heard Eloise yelling as soon as I walked in the door. Gil had just dropped me off after the Chronicle meeting, and I had fully intended to go to my room and wallow for the rest of the evening. I couldn’t really talk to Eloise about Finn because she got this look on her face, like she felt guilty but was also pissed off for feeling guilty. And I couldn’t talk to Anna about it because she didn’t know I was seeing Finn.

  There had been more than one time over the past few months that I wanted to tell Anna everything. I needed someone, a friend, outside of the situation to talk to. But my promise to Eloise had kept me quiet. It was easy enough to hide the truth from Anna when all we did was FaceTime. But I knew, with how emotional I was feeling, that if I took up Theo’s offer to go visit her I’d take one look at my friend, break down and tell her everything, and that’s why I hadn’t yet.

  So wallowing alone it was, then.

  That is, until I heard Elle’s yelling.

  Elle wasn’t generally a yeller.

  I followed her voice to the dining room where she was pacing beside the table with her phone to her ear. A plate with a half-eaten sandwich was laid there with a can of diet soda. She’d obviously been interrupted midsnack, but by who?

  She saw me and her eyes flashed angrily.

  Uh-oh.

  “You know what, Finn,” she suddenly snapped. “Go screw yourself!” She hung up, breathing heavily, and I braced myself. “You!” she yelled, pointing at me. “You! He’s yelling at me when he should be yelling at you!”

  “Elle—”

  “No, what did you do? Because he and I were fine at school today. We were back on track. So what the hell happened?”

  “He caught Patrick flirting with me.”

  “Oh, of course, and so the first chance he gets he calls me up to yell at me for being a bad friend and not wanting him to be happy.”

  I moved toward her as soon as I saw the tears hit her eyes.

  She held up a hand. “Don’t.”

  “Look, Elle, he knows it’s not your fault. I broke up with him because I know that even if you hadn’t asked him to pretend for you, that he’d ask me to pretend for him. He’s just...lashing out.”

  “At me.” She pounded her chest. “I’m his best friend.”

  No, I was his best friend.

  “You two should never have started this. It ruined everything.” She pushed past me, and I sighed heavily.

  I slumped down onto her vacated seat and picked up her sandwich. I bit into it and chewed sullenly.

  Right then and there I made a promise to myself: if I could get through the next couple of weeks I would avoid drama like the plague.

  * * *

  Confusion was my first emotion when I heard Eloise singing in the informal dining room. I stepped inside, curious to see if it really was her singing and stopped short, watching her cheerily put pastries on a small plate.

  As she was pouring orange juice into a glass she finally became aware of me.

  I’d barely slept a wink worrying about Elle and Finn.

  In light of last night something was definitely wrong with the picture in front of me.

  Eloise grinned at me, seeming to read my thoughts. “Finn called to apologize.”

  “Last night?” I moved into the room, sadly eager to hear any news about my ex-boyfriend.

  “Yup. He said he was out of line and that he didn’t want anything to come between us. He sounded better. A lot better.”

  I was weirdly both relieved and disappointed to hear that.

  What did it mean exactly? Had he just decided “Heck, she’s not worth it, I’m going to get over her now”?


  “Huh.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I thought you would be happy to hear he sounded better.”

  “I am.” I turned away to pour out some cereal, hiding the lie in my eyes.

  “But you’re not better, so the idea that he might be hurts you,” she said gently.

  “Yeah, I’m a selfish bitch that way,” I singsonged dryly. I shot her a look over my shoulder. “I’m glad you two are friends again, though.”

  Elle’s expression softened with sympathy. “This will get easier.”

  “Can we fast-forward to that part?”

  “If I find a genie to grant me three wishes the first one will be a remote control for life, just for you, I promise.”

  I chuckled. “Thanks.”

  “Hayley and Daddy are back soon. That’s something to look forward to, right? I mean, things were nice between you and Hayley before they left. Don’t you want to explore that?”

  I took a huge spoonful of cereal, leaning against the sideboard as I stared at my stepsister. I chewed and swallowed and said, “Do you know what I want? I want to go back to the days of worrying about history papers. I don’t want to worry about finding my way on new ground with Hayley and Finn.”

  “Well, tough,” Elle said. “This is your life. Deal with it.”

  I snorted. “You really need to work on your bedside manner.”

  She smirked. “I’m trying to help. If you overthink everything that’s happened in the last few months, you might stop functioning. And I need you to function.” She suddenly seemed shy as she looked anywhere but at me. “I’m not sure I can do this...you know...life...without you. It felt like it was running away from me before you found out the truth. It wasn’t a nice feeling.”

  Her confession settled over me. Turned out being needed was kind of nice. But I couldn’t just turn off all the crap going on in my head even if I wanted to. “I know. I feel like my life is racing away from me right now.”

  “Well.” She shrugged, seeming even more uncomfortable. “Just remember you have me when you start to feel that way.”

  Pleased, I grinned at her. “Are we having a moment?”

  “Not one I will ever admit to.” She smiled sweetly before tearing a big chunk of a croissant with her teeth.