The Impossible Vastness of Us

  “Ethics Maven on the Chronicle.” Theo squinted thoughtfully. “This year Ethics Maven, next year editor.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Good.” He looked over at his daughter. “Isn’t Finn the Chronicle’s photographer?”

  I was surprised when a subdued Eloise nodded.

  Finn was on the paper?

  I would be working with Finn at the paper and we’d be working on a presentation together? Maybe that was a little bit too much Finn for my liking.

  Wait...

  If Finn was on the paper, then he had lied to me about meeting up after school Monday. He must have known he had a school paper meeting so that meant he’d planned on standing me up.

  RUDE!

  Quietly seething, not even the warmed-up pecan pie that arrived on my plate a while later was enough to dispel the cloudy thunderstorm above my head. I retreated to my room after dinner, angry at Finn and feeling generally gloomy about the quality of people in my new world.

  I sat on my big princess bed watching the sun dip below the trees at the back of Theo’s grounds, my room welcoming in the shadows.

  And when those shadows were swallowed up in the dark of the night I crawled under the covers to sleep and to escape the fact that not even the spots I got on the newspaper could change the fact that I was right where I was yesterday.

  All alone.

  CHAPTER 5

  THE NEXT MORNING I opened the French doors and felt the chill breeze on my skin. Although the sun was out, it seemed the unseasonably hot weather was coming to an end. It was a beautiful morning, though, and I decided to enjoy a little of my new life and have my breakfast outside.

  I sat down in a lounge chair on the back patio and let the muted sun warm my face as my teeth tore into a huge chunk of the fresh croissant I’d gotten from the kitchen. Mmm, flaky goodness.

  And that was the second best part of my day.

  Like I suspected, Eloise had no intention of being friends with me. She took off with Charlotte and Bryce for the day. I had a swim in the gigantic pool despite the cool air and then spent the rest of the day studying. The best part of my day was when Anna FaceTimed me. We talked for a couple of hours before she had to get ready for a party at Kiersten’s. I did my best not to look glum when we said goodbye because I knew Anna would spend the rest of the night worrying about me if she detected I was sad.

  When I came out of my room it was to discover that Eloise was off to a party. Theo thought I was with her so he and Hayley had gone out for dinner and Gretchen had taken off for the night. I was a little intimidated by the cook so I didn’t want to go into her kitchen and start moving things around. When the head housekeeper, Rosa, realized my predicament she gave me this look of sympathy that was akin to a knife in the chest. Rosa offered to make me something to eat, but her sympathy and the fact that I had been left out of my “family’s” plans just pissed me off.

  Rosa scrutinized me. “Can you drive, Miss India?”

  Although Hayley couldn’t afford to get me a car, I’d gotten my driver’s license that summer. “Yeah.”

  “Miss Eloise’s car is in the garage. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you borrowing it, if you’d like to eat out this evening.”

  Eloise had a car...that was something I did not know. I’d never seen her use it. I smiled at the thought of the freedom it would bring me. Really, I just wanted to get out of this godforsaken house. “That sounds perfect.”

  I ran upstairs to get my purse and shoes and when I came back down Rosa was waiting on me. She handed me the keys to the garage house. “It’s the red Jaguar. Miss Eloise doesn’t like driving so it will be nice for the car to see some use.”

  The large separate garage house was on the west of the property. Pressing a button on the keys I watched as one of the large doors automatically opened, revealing a number of cars. I wandered around the garage, checking out each one. There was a black Range Rover Sport, a white Mercedes SLK that Theo had gifted to Hayley a few days ago, a black Porsche 911 Carrera and a Jaguar F-type convertible.

  The Jaguar was gorgeous. I ran my eyes over it, a little taken aback by how much I was drawn to a freaking car. I wondered if I had drool dribbling down my chin as I admired the deep metallic red.

  Why did Eloise not drive this thing?

  I walked over to the wall of hooks near the side door entrance and found the keys to the Jaguar. With excitement in my belly at the thought of driving the hot car, I slowly, carefully, got into the Jaguar. It still smelled of new leather.

  I wrapped my fingers around the leather steering wheel and grinned.

  Okay, so maybe there were perks to Theo’s world.

  When I pulled out of the garage, I decided there was no maybe about it. The Jaguar was smooth and swift, and fit around my body like it had been built just for me. I’d lowered the roof to allow the cool night air to whisper over me as I drove, that whisper turning into a rougher caress as I picked up speed.

  I didn’t know where I was going but in a car like this I didn’t even care. I headed east on the Boston Post Road until I saw signs for a diner called Maggie’s. I ended up about fifteen minutes outside Weston in a place called Waltham.

  The diner had a retro look about it. Even the waitresses wore pink retro aprons over a cute white button-down shirt and a short black pencil skirt. Both girls had long hair pulled up into a high ponytail, tied with a pink ribbon, and they wore white bobby socks and white sneakers.

  “Take a seat, honey,” a girl who didn’t look that much older than me called out.

  I nodded and found a two-seater table in the corner out of the way. The smell of fried food made my stomach grumble.

  After the waitress took my order, I slid the book I’d stuck in my purse out and I started to read.

  And that’s how I whiled away my Saturday night.

  It wasn’t depressing at all. Nope. Not. At. All.

  I had to admit, though, I was pretty sad to put the Jag back in the garage. I couldn’t believe Eloise didn’t drive it more.

  “India.” Theo practically ambushed me when I stepped inside the main house, striding into the entrance with Hayley at his back.

  “Theo,” I said warily, wondering what had put the concern in his eyes.

  “Your mother and I got home an hour ago only to discover you weren’t at the party. Rosa told us she gave you Eloise’s keys so you could get something to eat.”

  “Yeah.” I shrugged, not wanting them to think that I thought it was a big deal. “I found a diner in Waltham. I ate and read there for a while.”

  Both Theo and Hayley looked upset and not a little guilty. “We assumed Eloise had taken you to Bryce’s party. If we’d known she hadn’t, of course we would have arranged for you to have dinner with us.”

  I clenched my jaw, my blood hot with humiliation. “I’m fine, okay? I told Eloise I didn’t want to go to the party.” Don’t ask me why I covered for her. I didn’t know the answer to that.

  “Sweetheart, it’s not fine.” Hayley looked almost near tears. “I want us to be a family, not for you to feel alone.”

  “It was one dinner, Hayley. Not exactly scarred here.”

  She narrowed her eyes at my sarcasm, the tears having dissolved at my tone. “I’m trying to apologize.”

  “Apology accepted. May I go to my room now?”

  Annoyingly, Hayley looked to Theo for the answer to this. He didn’t look happy, but he nodded, and I quickly skirted past them and up the stairs.

  Of course I’d lied to Hayley. It wasn’t fine. In fact, I could feel my resentment simmering on a higher heat day after day.

  * * *

  A shadow fell over me as I lazed on a lounge chair by the pool the next morning. I’m sure Theo and Hayley thought my absence from breakfast was some teenage tantr
um about what happened last night, but honestly, I just wasn’t in the mood to face them. I’d nabbed a bowl of cereal in the kitchen while Gretchen was out of sight.

  I sighed, thinking the shadow belonged to Hayley, and looked up and to my side.

  I tensed.

  Eloise stood over me, studying me, a million questions in her eyes. Once she had my attention she sat down on the chair next to mine.

  This time she was the one who gave a heavy, almost defeated-sounding sigh. “You told Daddy you didn’t want to go to the party instead of telling him I didn’t invite you.”

  Since it wasn’t really a question, I didn’t answer.

  Her expression was guarded. “Why?”

  I shrugged.

  A few seconds of silence passed between us but it felt more like minutes.

  “I didn’t spread those rumors at school,” she suddenly said.

  Surprised that she felt the need to proclaim her innocence to me, I kept my own expression guarded, wondering what she was up to. “I know.”

  Eloise raised one slim, perfect eyebrow. “You do?”

  “Gabe told me he spread the rehab rumor. And I heard Bryce was responsible for that b.s. about my being bulimic.”

  Biting her lip, Eloise nodded. “The bulimia rumor was partly my fault. I told her about the way you acted over our leftovers. But she came up with the bulimia thing on her own.”

  “I bet she did,” I murmured.

  Eloise studied her peach-painted toenails for a while. “I haven’t meant to be a bitch to you.” She looked up warily. “I just... I don’t think we have a lot in common.”

  As much as I wanted in with the “in” crowd, I couldn’t deny she had a point. “I guess we don’t.”

  She nodded, seeming to relax knowing that I agreed with her. “Daddy’s really mad at me right now. He doesn’t get mad at me a lot. He asked me to look out for you at school and found out that I didn’t.”

  “I don’t need you to look out for me.”

  “Yes, but I imagine it’s not really fun sitting alone during lunch.”

  I didn’t reply because it wasn’t.

  “I love my father,” Eloise said abruptly. “He’s one of my best friends. I don’t like disappointing him.”

  I’d kind of worked that out for myself, and in my secret heart of hearts I was jealous as hell.

  “Okay...”

  “Tomorrow at school things will change. You’ll sit with us at lunch, walk with us in the hall.” She looked off in the distance, her shoulders hunched to her ears. “We can’t force friendship, but we can certainly be civil to one another.”

  She was so proper, so constrained. It occurred to me that her demeanor was a defensive strategy. It hid her emotions. It hid her vulnerabilities. It was a different kind of defense from my own, but a defense nonetheless, and I found that it was a small piece of common ground between us.

  So I replied, “That works for me. Thanks.”

  Eloise looked back at me, apparently surprised by my response as her face softened with questions and curiosity. But the look was fleeting and just like that the warmth was zapped from her hazel eyes, the cold distance crystallizing in them once more.

  “Well—” she stood up “—I’m off to Finn’s. I’ll see you later.”

  “Bye.” I watched her leave, more confused than ever. Like her father, I couldn’t figure Eloise out. As much as I’d been convinced she and Theo would be the villains in this chapter of my life, now I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that was true.

  No matter my confusion, the apprehension I’d been carrying around with me for the past week was draining from me.

  Tomorrow at school I was to make my first appearance with the “in” crowd. I had a lot to overcome, what with the rehab and bulimia rumors, but those would be so much easier to get past while walking at the side of the most popular juniors at Tobias Rochester High.

  I smiled, my shoulders melting into the lounge chair. I was on my way to making my way back up to the top again.

  CHAPTER 6

  WHATEVER I WAS expecting the next morning, the usual awkward, tense silence between Eloise and me wasn’t it. Yet awkward, tense silence was what I got.

  I’m not going to lie—I had a moment of panic as we slid into the town car, thinking yesterday’s encounter had been a dream and I was back to being persona non grata with her.

  Thankfully, as Gil pulled out of the drive, Eloise spoke.

  “When we arrive at school you’ll walk in with me.”

  I looked at her. She wasn’t looking at me. She was staring forlornly out the window.

  Maybe if she’d been pissed off about the fact that she had to give me the time of day, I would have enjoyed the situation more. As it was, the wary look on her face not only confused me but it almost made me want to cut her some slack and tell her to forget about helping me. If it were any other rich princess I’d say Eloise was bothered by the fact that she had to associate with a lowly peasant such as myself, but somehow I knew that wasn’t what was bothering her.

  It was something deeper.

  Something more troubling.

  And that confused the hell out of me.

  It also made me a little uneasy.

  “Okay,” I said softly.

  My tone made her look at me and just like that the forlorn expression she’d been wearing was wiped away. The cold distance was back.

  “You’ll be okay.” Her words were kind, but her tone was empty.

  “Yeah.” I nodded and looked out the other window. “I always am.”

  We were silent the rest of the way to school and I knew for sure then that Eloise may be welcoming me into her group for the sake of appearances, but I was still an outsider to her.

  Gil gave me a bolstering smile when he saw that Eloise was waiting for me to get out of the car. I wished him a good day and followed my new “friend” through the school gates. Walking at her side, I immediately drew stares from our fellow students. Confusion seemed to be the most popular expression among them.

  I knew by the unsurprised looks on Bryce’s and Charlotte’s faces that Eloise had already forewarned them about me. Bryce gave me this cool little chin nod of acknowledgment, while Charlotte full-out beamed at me.

  “Hey, India.”

  Her warm welcome soothed me a little. “Hey.” I smiled back, doing my best not to feel like a total fish out of water as we stood by Eloise’s locker.

  “Do you need to go to your locker?” Eloise asked, but she was putting books in hers so I didn’t know who she was talking to.

  “She means you.” Bryce sighed as if I was an idiot.

  I ignored her. “Yeah, I do.”

  Eloise slammed her locker door shut. “Well, let’s go, then.”

  Wow. She really meant it when she said we would hang out in the halls. I led the way, Eloise at my side, while Bryce and Charlotte chatted behind us. They were gossiping about some girl called Katherine who had “so obviously been coming on to Finn” at Bryce’s party that Saturday night.

  I glanced at Eloise for a reaction to this. I saw a flash of something that looked an awful lot like jealousy cross her eyes before she turned to stone.

  “She is so delusional. As if Finn would ever go for her,” Bryce said.

  “She’s a senior. And she’s very pretty,” Eloise suddenly murmured.

  Was that insecurity I heard?

  “Uh, not as pretty as you,” Charlotte defended her friend heatedly.

  “And let’s not forget the fact that you’re a Fairweather, Elle.” Bryce rubbed Eloise’s shoulder reassuringly. “Katherine’s only a Kelter. Rochesters don’t date nobodies like that.”

  I just barely contained my snort at the outrageous comment. These people were crazy choosing who w
as cool enough to date based on their family’s last name. Not only had I moved across the country, I’d moved into a freaking Jane Austen novel.

  Eloise didn’t seem to hear her friends. “As I was saying, she’s a senior and she’s pretty, but Finn and I are solid. No one is breaking us up.” It was the first time I’d heard any kind of passion from her. And it was about Finn. Clearly he was more important to her than I’d thought.

  Her tone made Charlotte quickly change the subject to the calculus homework she was struggling with. Eloise offered to tutor her as we reached my locker, and as I sorted books into it and got out my Microeconomics stuff, I realized I hadn’t once been invited into the conversation and my response wasn’t really expected.

  I sighed inwardly.

  I could cope with that.

  For now.

  The bell rang and the four of us walked to our Microeconomics class. I started toward my seat on the other side of the room when Charlotte’s voice stopped me.

  “Where are you going?”

  “My seat.” I gestured to it.

  Bryce sighed. “I don’t think so.” She rolled her eyes and motioned me to the seat next to Charlotte’s. If I remembered correctly it also happened to be the seat in front of Finn. “Sit.”

  “Isn’t that someone else’s seat?”

  “It was. Now it’s yours,” Bryce insisted. “Sit.”

  I looked at Eloise, who was settling in. She nodded. “Sit.”

  Okay, then.

  I’d just put my ass in the seat when Finn wandered in with Gabe and Joshua. My eyes clashed with Finn’s first and this time he held my stare. The fact that he did made me breathless for some weird, stupid reason. My cheeks felt hot as he approached, but he broke the moment by looking away. Without acknowledging me he passed us, squeezing his girlfriend’s shoulder. “Hey,” he said to her as he took the seat beside her.

  Eloise gave him a small smile. “Hey. You okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re here.” Gabe sat on my desk, taking my focus off the couple. He was grinning down at me. “I knew this day would come.”