Divided

  “A hold up?” Truth sounded confused.

  “A robbery,” Far clarified for his brother. “Go on, Becca.”

  “Kenneth tried to stop the guy from hurting the…the old man behind the counter. He was always like that—standing up for other people. It…it was one of the reasons I loved him.”

  Becca stopped to press the back of her hand to her eyes. It came away wet. She was shaking now but still she couldn’t seem to help it. She’d been repressing this memory for years, ordering herself not to think about it. Now she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

  “The guy shot him—right through the heart,” she whispered. “They…they said he probably died instantly. They rushed him to Tampa General, tried to revive him. But it was no good. It…he…” She shook her head, unable to go on.

  “And they made you come and identify him?” Truth sounded angry. “Was there no one else that could have done such a task?”

  “His parents lived out of state and I was listed as his emergency contact,” Becca said dully. “It all happened so fast. We thought we had our whole lives to be together. Kenneth got down on his knee and proposed to me—gave me that ring you saw. We were going to have a house by the beach and three or four kids.”

  “You loved him very much, didn’t you?” Far said softly.

  Becca nodded and swallowed convulsively, trying not to cry. “We were so sure about our future. So I thought it was okay to…to…We wanted each other so much. I felt safe with him—I thought he would always be there.” She shook her head. “It was my fault. If I hadn’t given in, he would still be alive.”

  “That’s not true,” Far said gently. “How could it be?”

  “It is true,” Becca insisted. “I killed him.” She shook off the encircling arms of both men and stood on shaky legs. She began pacing, just as her younger self had done. “My fault,” she muttered. “Mother of God…”

  “Rebecca, no.” Truth came to her and took her by the shoulders. He shook her once, a quick, firm shake that made her teeth click together.

  Becca looked up at him in surprise.

  “Truth?” she whispered.

  “What happened was not your fault,” the dark twin said clearly. “Anymore than what happened with my father was my fault.”

  “Truth is right.” Far came to stand beside his brother. “I don’t know why the Mindscape made you relive this moment in your life but if you take nothing else from it, take this—you are blameless.”

  “I…I don’t feel blameless.” Becca’s throat felt tight and the tears that had been building up behind her burning eyelids suddenly came in a flood. “My parents always told me—my father especially—I was supposed to wait. Wait until I found a nice Catholic boy to marry and give myself to and…and…I’m sorry,” she whispered. “So, so sorry.”

  “Oh, Becca…” Suddenly she found herself surrounded on either side by big, male bodies. Truth and Far had thrown their arms around each other with her in the middle.

  “It’s all right…I know it hurts but it’s going to be all right.”

  Becca didn’t know which twin was speaking but the words seemed to sooth and calm her—as well as the intense feeling of love and caring coming from both her men. Grief swept through her and she let herself cry.

  “I’m sorry,” she said over and over. “I’m just so sorry.”

  She cried until she felt dry inside—dry as a desert where nothing would ever sprout again. The whole time Truth and Far held her tight, shielding her as though their big, muscular bodies could be a bulwark against the storm that raged through her.

  Finally the sobs tapered off and the grief became more bearable. Becca was able to think again. She sniffed hard and lifted her head, shifting within the cradle of her men’s arms.

  “Becca?” Far asked softly. “Are you well?”

  “Not well exactly but…better.” Becca sniffed again. “I’m sorry I lost it like that. I thought…I thought I was over all this. But seeing it happen like that, watching myself go through it…I felt it all over again.”

  “Of course you did,” Truth said roughly. “Some pain never dies. It just goes away for a while if you bury it deeply enough.”

  “I’ve tried not to think about it for years,” Becca admitted. “I guess I wasn’t so much over it as repressing it.”

  “That sounds about right,” Far said gently. As if by mutual consent, he and Truth took a step back, allowing her some breathing room. “Do you feel better now?” he asked.

  Becca thought about it. Strangely, she did feel better. The pain wasn’t completely gone but it was more like an old ache—something she could live with. And the guilt was less too.

  “It really wasn’t your fault, you know,” Far said, as though reading her mind.

  “I know that now.” Becca took a deep, cleansing breath and let it out in a soft sigh. “But when you’re raised with the amount of guilt I was, it’s really hard to let go of the idea that you’re going to be severely punished the moment you stray from the straight and narrow.”

  “So you are well now?” Truth brushed a strand of hair from her eyes and both brothers peered at her anxiously.

  Becca nearly laughed at the worried looks on their faces.

  “Yes, guys, I’m fine—really.” A surge of love overcame her—not for either the light twin or the dark twin but for both of them together. Acting as a team, they had pulled her back from the brink of despair. She was whole because of them, sane and in control of herself once more, despite the mental torture the Mindscape had put her through.

  Unable to help herself, she reached for them both. It wasn’t easy to get her arms around two such big guys but somehow she managed. Truth and Far came willingly and Becca held them tight, standing on tiptoe to manage it.

  The warm scent they always seemed to make when they were in close proximity—a mixture of dark, masculine spice and some deliciously tempting aroma like cinnamon and vanilla—completely enveloped her. Mother of God, they smelled so good together. She felt her nipples tighten and her pussy was suddenly drenched. Why was it that even in the Mindscape where none of them were even really touching, they still affected her so much?

  No, whispered a little voice. You shouldn’t feel that way. Remember what happened to Kenneth… But even with the recent trauma and guilt, their arms felt so good around her, so right. Becca might have been tempted to give in to the electric feeling of desire that seemed to jump between the three of them if Far hadn’t given a hoarse exclamation in the deep, guttural language of the Kindred common tongue.

  “What is it, Far?” Becca pulled away a little to look at him. He was staring over her shoulder, a grim look on his face. “What is it?” she asked again, turning to look.

  Standing behind her was a third door.

  “I think,” the light twin said softly. “It’s my turn now.”

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  “Your turn for what?” Truth asked but then he appeared to catch sight of the door as well and cursed softly. “Seven Hells, Brother,” he said, frowning. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault.” Far kept eyeing the door, making no move to open it. “It’s simply my turn. I just thought…I guess I thought I might not have to go through this…this test the Mindscape is putting us through.”

  “Why would you think that?” Truth demanded.

  “Because the Mindscape has been showing us the reasons we resisted being together,” Becca said thoughtfully. “The obstacles that stand in our way. Your abuse, Truth,” she said, nodding at the dark twin. “And my guilt. But Far has always wanted to be with both of us. So it’s natural for him to think…”

  “To think that he might not have to relive a past trauma since he had none that would stop him from forming a bond,” Truth finished for her. “That does seem to make sense.”

  “Apparently it doesn’t though.” Far spoke as lightly as he could but inside he was dreading the coming ordeal. What would he see when he stepped through that familiar
doorway? All the times he’d been picked last for sports teams because he had no twin to play with him? The taunting he’d endured in school for being a ‘loner’ or worse, the pitying, sidelong glances he got when others didn’t think he was looking? On a world where everyone had a twin, not having one had made him a freak. He’d thrown himself into his studies, trying not to be noticed, trying not to care what others thought of him. And his only friend has been…

  Suddenly Far knew what he was going to have to see.

  No. Oh, no, please Goddess. Not that day. Not that one. Please…

  “Brother.” Truth’s voice was low and kind but firm. “I am sorry but we must go through.”

  “Whatever it is, Truth and I will be right here with you the whole time,” Becca promised softly. She slipped her small, soft hand into his and squeezed lightly. “It’ll be all right—I promise.”

  “Thank you, Becca.” He squeezed back and gave her a grateful glance. “Come on, I guess we’d better go.”

  “Lead on, Brother. We’re behind you,” Truth murmured.

  Might as well get it over with. Taking a deep breath, Far reached for the door…and stepped into the family living area of his adopted family’s dwelling on Twin Moons.

  His mother was making second meal in the food prep area and his older brothers, Shouts Loudly and Studies Hard were setting the table. One of his fathers was doing something on a personal work station and the other was fixing a broken tool.

  To anyone who didn’t know better, it looked like a scene of domestic bliss. And it was, really—for his adopted, family, that was. They were like a well oiled machine, each part fitting perfectly to make a whole.

  Far had been like an extra gear—a cog that didn’t fit. The unity of his adopted family had been constantly thrown into discord by his presence. Often, he wondered if his parents had regretted taking the infant orphan into their happy home. And then he found out the truth…

  “Oh look—is that your mom?” Becca asked softly though none of the family seemed to be able to see them.

  “I see your fathers and your brothers but where are you?” Truth asked, scanning the room with a frown on his face.

  “I’m on the way,” Far said grimly.

  “What are we going to see—do you know?” Becca asked softly. “Or would you rather not talk about it?”

  “It’s not nearly as awful as what happened to you or Truth.” Far tried to speak dispassionately, though his throat felt dry. “Really, I just—”

  Just then the front door of their domicile burst open and Far—a much younger Far—came rushing in. He looked to be about thirteen or fourteen cycles old but he was still small and scrawny with a shock of dark blond hair that kept falling into his eyes.

  “Mumzelle,” he gasped, running to his adopted mother and holding out his arms. “Blix—he’s been hit! Please…please help him!”

  Far heard Becca suck in her breath as she caught sight of the mangled thing his younger self was holding. It might once have been an animal but now its dark fur was so matted with blood and its legs were at such strange angles, it was impossible to say what it was.

  “Oh, Far—oh, no!” his mother exclaimed, examining the mangled little creature. “What happened?”

  “He…it hit him. I was calling him and he came running across the street and it hit him and they didn’t even stop and he…and he…” The younger Far shook his head, the flow of words suddenly stopping. “Help him,” he managed, holding out his arms insistently. “We have to take him to the healer, Mumzelle—please!”

  “Oh, darling…” Far’s adopted mother shook her head helplessly. “I’m so sorry but I think it’s too late for the healer. I don’t…don’t think he’s breathing.”

  “What? What do you mean? He has to be! He has to be all right. We have to take him to the healer and fix him!” the younger Far insisted.

  “Stands Strong!” Far’s adopted mother motioned for one of his fathers. “Come quickly and do…something.”

  “All right now, son.” Stands Strong, the dark twin of his paternal pair came quickly to stand beside the young Far. He took the broken animal from Far’s arms—or tried to anyway.

  “No!” Far’s younger self pulled away, holding the mangled, furry carcass to his chest protectively. “No, you can’t take him! He’s my…my…” He shook his head, unable to continue.

  Far, watching from the corner of the room, felt a lump rise in his own throat.

  “He’s my friend,” he whispered, unaware he was speaking aloud. “My only friend.”

  “Your what?” Becca looked at him uncertainly. “I’m so sorry, Far but I thought it must be some kind of a pet.”

  “It was. He was.” Far cleared his throat. “Blix was a jikem. They’re domestic animals on Twin Moons and people sometimes keep them for pets. In Earth terms they look a little like a cross between a raccoon and a cat, if that helps to give you an idea.”

  “A little,” Becca said doubtfully.

  Far swallowed hard, still trying to swallow the lump that wouldn’t go down.

  “Blix walked with me to school and met me there to walk home. He was my constant companion during the day. At night he slept on the pillow beside me.”

  “You must have loved him very much,” Truth said gravely.

  Far found himself unable to answer the question. Instead, he kept talking, trying to put the facts out dryly and with no emotion.

  “My parents got him for me when I was only three cycles old,” he explained, fighting to keep his voice steady. “They’re an ideal pet for a loner—what they call a male without a twin on Twin Moons,” he explained, seeing Becca’s uncertainty. “They bond with only one person and they’re intensely loyal. They’re extremely intelligent and they live quite a long time—thirty to forty cycles. Well, if they aren’t run down in the street, that is,” he finished and swallowed. There was a dry click in his voice.

  “Oh, honey…” Becca murmured. “I’m so sorry.”

  “They meant for him—for Blix—to be a substitute, didn’t they?” Truth said. “A way to assuage your loneliness because you and I were separated and you had no twin.”

  “Yes.” Far nodded, unable to say more.

  In the room in front of them, an ugly scene was unfolding.

  “Give Blix to your father,” his mother was saying. “He needs to be properly taken care of.”

  “Properly buried, you mean.” Far’s younger self was crying, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks. “You’re not even going to try to heal him or fix him. You just want to throw him away like…like trash.”

  “He’s dead, son.” Speaks Softly, his other father, came forward. “You must understand, you can’t keep him like this. It isn’t safe or sanitary.” He tried to gently pry the dead animal from the younger Far’s arms but once more the boy resisted.

  “No…no!” he shouted. Spinning around, he hurdled himself across the room and up the stairs that led to the top story of the house.

  “Oh dear!” Far watched his mother put a hand to her cheek and shake her head. “This is terrible! Blix was the only thing that kept him going.”

  “That’s because he’s a loner,” Shouts Loudly, the dark twin of his older brothers sneered.

  “He can’t help that,” Studies Hard, the light twin said quietly.

  “I know he can’t, I just wish he wasn’t such a freak,” Shouts Loudly said. “He makes our whole family look bad the way he acts. Honestly, Mumzelle, did you and our fathers even think at all before you agreed to take him?”

  Far’s mother shook her head. “It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I’m sorry if Far’s actions have had a negative impact on you and your brother but we agreed to raise him.”

  “Sees Far is our responsibility,” Stands Strong said, frowning at his sons. “When a Kindred makes a commitment, he carries through with it, no matter how difficult or distasteful the task may be.”

  “Try to imagine how hard it must be for him,” Speaks So
ftly said. “What would life be like without your brother?”

  “Not worth living,” Studies Hard said promptly.

  Far’s adopted mother sighed. “Poor Sees Far. Life has always been so difficult for him and now Blix…” She shook her head. “Sometimes I wonder if it might not have been kinder if we hadn’t noticed he was still alive after his mother died.”

  “You should have left him,” Shouts Loudly, Far’s older brother said. “Left him to die instead of dragging us all down with him. The freak.”

  “Shouts!” his father, Stands said sharply.

  “What?” the dark twin shrugged. “I’m just saying what we’re all thinking—that this whole family would be happier without that freak loner around.”

  Far heard a gasp from Becca and turned to look at her.

  “I just realized something,” she said in a low voice. “If this is a memory that the Mindscape is showing us, then you must have heard…”

  “Yes.” Far nodded. “I heard everything. Up until that point I had an idea that I didn’t fit well with my adopted family. But having an idea and hearing it spoken out loud are two different things. I never knew before that moment that they…that they thought I would be better off dead.”

  “Far…” Becca started to put her arms around him but just then the scene shifted and they were standing at the top of the stairs, to one side of Far’s younger self.

  He watched the emotions racing over the boy’s face—the pain and betrayal of hearing what his family really felt about him…the wrenching agony of losing the only creature in the world who had truly loved him. And as he watched, he felt it all again with an agonizing sharpness, as though this old, wretched pain was new and fresh again. As though it really had just happened moments before.

  The young Far turned slowly, leaving the head of the stairs and trudged to his room. He still held Blix in his arms, cradling the jikem like a baby. He shut the door behind him quietly, climbed onto his sleeping platform, and buried his face in the soft fur, now stiff with drying blood.

  How vividly Far could remember this heart wrenching moment. He could almost hear the thoughts his younger self was thinking as he held his dead pet.