J R

  —So don’t tell me tell your daughter, tell her the first time she goes out and shows some initiative that just because you . . .

  —But what am I going to wear!

  —I just told you, pull up your underpants and you’d look . . .

  —But even my slacks, there were some blue slacks back here and they . . .

  —Those you could have had for a quarter. So where’s the suit you wore for your joyride, wear that.

  —You saw the tear down the front of the pants, and there’s blood down the . . .

  —Then wear Dad’s. He’s not going anyplace.

  Doors banged, water flushed, splashed, shook the pipes, desultory notes of the saxophone rode out through the room divider on shifting planes of smoke from the burned toast.

  —It’s too big and it smells.

  —So roll up the pants and don’t go close to anybody, they’ll think it’s the Duke of Windsor coming back Nora get that wire away from Donny’s juice.

  —Nora, that eighty-five cents you said Donny got for the . . .

  —There! my God I told you, well don’t just sit there Nora get Daddy a rag. So now you want Donny’s eighty-five cents?

  —No but it’s really . . .

  —Really what. Really the first time he ever Nora not that rag, my God look what you’re doing to the pants, that’s the one you just cleaned the jelly off the floor with. The first time he ever shows some initiative to do something you want to take that away from him too?

  —But I don’t even have . . .

  —And just stand still a minute so she can get it off your shoes, my God . . . through the planes of smoke swirled by his passage toward the source of the sudden spurts of music, an angular catastrophe of liver spots escaping one piece underwear beyond the room divider, and his initials in aluminum carried the door closed behind him like a shot in the back, billowing past the potbellied stove and up the walk trousers hiked high by his free hand in an empty pocket to keep them from dragging which lent him the raffish air of shore leave the morning after, and had even imparted a kind of glazed shine to one shoe where the juice had spilled by the time he rounded a corner to tug at a glass door that never yet had opened out.

  —Stick ’em up!

  Sling and trousers went in different directions, recovered as the door swung in for him.—Oh Coach, Coach wait . . .

  —What? Who did you . . . Dan? Why, why Danny, I hardly knew ye.

  —Yes I, I was in a . . .

  —In a road crash, we read about it in the newspaper, but come in . . . and the boy between them bolstered arms and wheeled with a savage stamp of heels,—quick before there’s more killing Dan. Why look at ye, ye’ll have to be put in a bowl to beg.

  —No, no I’m all right but I, I thought I was in north seven, that boy’s class is supposed to be in east . . .

  —Been demobbed Dan, make room for the equipment.

  —Yes but that’s what I, where is it? all the equipment that was here, the teaching equipment and all the, what’s this? all this?

  —Stoves, washing machines, brake linings, hair dryers . . .

  —But what happened to all the equipment that was still . . .

  —Ask the C O Dan, it’s too many for me . . . and they rounded the corner in full collision, backed against a racked firehose as the shock of bangs lost to the toss of blonde hair receded repeated in the thighs.—Look at that rise and fall, just look at that! they came on up the corridor,—look at that reciprocating beam motion and you can see what got Newcomen started on the steam engine can’t you.

  —Well I, I hadn’t thought of . . .

  —Never pictured him with Mrs Newcomen out together dancing cheek to cheek?

  —No, I guess I . . .

  —Frightening thing how machinery can give you ideas like that about a simple schoolgirl. Start off with that steady reciprocating movement and the next thing you know you’ve got a bottom, round and droops a little but still good, nothing wrong with it at all. It’s when you add that socalled parallel motion James Watt introduced that you’ve got ass, push pull, push pull, quite an improvement, always sorry I never got a look at Mrs Watt.

  —Yes well I, I think I’d . . .

  —It’s rump you want to steer clear of Dan, that sort of mononate you get with a girdle and goodbye nates, goodbye Rock of Ages and goodbye Augustus Montague Toplady, he never would have come out singing if she hadn’t dropped her corset that day back in eighteen thirty-two.

  —Yes well I think I’d . . .

  —Rock of ages cleft for me, let me hide my . . .

  —I think I’d better get over to . . .

  —The song is ended but the malady lingers on, we forgot derrière didn’t we, kind of a euphemism? euphuism? You know Mrs Joubert, Dan?

  —Well I, yes but not . . . and he ran up against a shoulder on the turn.

  —Trying to see where the horse bit me? Here, come a little closer and . . .

  —No no I, I was just looking at your suit.

  —Almost looks like it might have fit me once doesn’t it, if I stand still? kind of slump and drop the crotch?

  —Well it, could I ask where you got it?

  —I don’t usually give out the name of my tailor Dan, but you look like you need it. There’s a little thrift shop down . . .

  —Yes that, that’s what I . . .

  —I usually go for the Scottish worsteds, but for two dollars . . . he pinched up a pleat of the nondescript leaning closer,—it keeps me decent. Just between us I needed something in a hurry after a little run in with the local constabulary, I even found a free premium in the back pocket, there. How’s that . . . he held out a circle squared in foil on the flat of his palm,—not sure I’d trust it though, it looks like the poor bastard sat on it for ten years waiting for the chance that never came. Augustus Toplady waiting for the whalebone curtain to part but it was another hundred years before you could lean out of a tank turret and yell hey Shotsie, you want to sit on my face? Spend any time overseas, Dan?

  —No, no but I think I’d better stop in the . . .

  —It’s that hide my face, that’s the part that always got me, you wonder how Mister Toplady stayed out of jail in those days.

  —Yes, well I . . .

  —Everybody singing about it you wonder how Mrs Toplady felt Sundays at church don’t you.

  —Yes but I, I meant to ask you, was there another suit there at the thrift shop? a brown . . .

  —Tweed, and I came off better than Glancy, I’ll tell you that.

  —Glancy?

  —He got in there ahead of me and grabbed it, he couldn’t get into it with a shoe horn.

  —Oh then he, he didn’t buy it?

  —No, he split the seat getting it on so he had to buy it . . . and paused at the door marked Boys,—you treating?

  —Well I, I thought I’d just . . .

  —I’ll join you in a quick one . . . and that door banged on their entrance and the clatter of a seat behind a door secured further down the line near the mops against whispers escaping top and bottom.

  —Shhh, somebody just came in.

  —Okay look hey, just piss up to this line here.

  —How much.

  —A dime?

  —It’s a quarter.

  —Okay go ahead, Miss Waddams is waiting.

  —First give me the quarter.

  —Okay . . . here, now go ahead. Come on, go ahead.

  —Okay I’m trying, can’t you see?

  —Well come on hurry up, she’s waiting.

  —I can’t, I must be out, like you’re the fifth . . .

  —Well come on, try. Drink some water then.

  —I drank this whole quart before I came to school, I can’t . . .

  —Okay well drink some more.

  —Out of what.

  —This, use this.

  —This? You must be crazy, anyway it don’t work that fast.

  —Okay then just try, try once more, squeeze . . .

  There w
as a crash of glass.

  —There’s a market for everything Dan, you look like you’re good for a dollar’s worth yourself there and if you don’t mind my saying, I’d spend it on a new suit. There was a checked number on the rack they wouldn’t dare ask more than a dollar for and the one you’ve got on looks like a dog pissed right down your leg.

  —Yes well that, that was just something that spilled but . . .

  —If anybody mentions it just tell them you’re from Cleveland.

  —What?

  The door banged.

  —Whiteback, step up and join us. Dan’s treating.

  —Dan? Oh, oh Dan, came down the line a safe two stalls away,—glad to see you back Dan, but you don’t look . . .

  —Just a small accident Whiteback, he ran into a neighbor from Cleveland. Rabbi Goldstein out there cuts on the bias.

  —Yes well the ahm, the bandages that is to say Dan . . .

  —Next one’s on the house gentlemen, sorry I can’t stay. Want to line up your teacher’s guide on this new circuitry lesson Dan, I tossed a copy on Whiteback’s desk. Compliments to the chef. Dum de dum, dum, cleft for me . . . and the door banged.

  —You’re ahm, sure you should have come in this soon Dan, I mean it looks like you’re having some trouble there with ahm . . .

  —No I’m all right I’m, it’s just this sling and these . . .

  —Wait, wait let me get the door. Can you see where you’re going?

  —Yes I’m all right I’m, I wanted to ask you what Coach meant when he . . .

  —Yes well Coach is getting a little bit ahm, I mean I certainly wouldn’t say it was a small accident in terms of the ahm, the person you ran into wasn’t from, yes who ran into you that is to say wasn’t ahm . . . he led on past a clock as it severed what remained of a minute and a bell sounded,—from Cleveland of course . . .

  —No what I, wait, wait why is everything so, all the halls are empty. Wasn’t that bell homeroom?

  —Yes well things are a little off this morning Dan the ahm, Mister Gibbs is taking homeroom and it seems to be, he seems to be reading the entire declaration of the United ahm, United States Constitution that is to say . . . and the door marked Principal swung open lightly, bunged hollowly closed behind them—and of course classes can’t start moving until he ahm, my telephone . . .

  ——shall, without the consent of the other, adjourn for more than three days, nor to any other . . .

  —Hello . . .? No he just walked out, who . . . What mystery what are you wait, he just walked in, Whiteback? Student librarian calling you about some wait a minute what is this, a joke?

  —No no it’s ahm, come in Dan let me get the . . . hello? Yes this is Mister Whiteback have you . . . The Constitution yes, the U S Constitution, I told you to look in . . . who? What’s Charlie Chan got to do with . . . no no no I said history, a history book, with an h . . . Yes it’s c, o, n, s . . . all right look for a pencil . . .

  ——except treason, felony, and breach of the peace, be privileged from arrest during . . .

  —Didn’t know they’d let you out of the hospital Dan, it looked like somebody trying to make a fool of me with that sling and the bandages over your . . .

  —t, i, t . . . tution yes, I want to know how long it is so we’ll know when classes can start to . . . American yes, American history . . .

  ——Article one section seven. One. All bills . . .

  —Yes I thought you were still in the hospital too, I . . .

  —Mister Hyde stopped in to discuss the school budget defeat Dan, we just excuse me . . . hello? Yes this is . . . what? Oh Mister Stye yes, about the stolen baseballs yes and the . . . one adding machine and three typewriters over the weekend yes . . . Yes well that’s not really a school ahm . . . he paused for the muslin wing flapping before him,—I think Mister Hyde wants to speak to you himself, he . . . yes he’s right here that is to say . . . and the phone cord swept papers heaped to the floor.

  —Hello, Stye? Say I just found out my insurance policy is, wait a minute. Can you reach the button with your good hand there Dan? turn off the sound on that crazy, yes hello? My policy yes . . . Yes with your company, keeping things all in the family, the . . . automobile yes, the . . . Oh you have? Yes the accident with diCephalis and . . . oh you do? I just got out this morning and . . . fine, if you call one arm in a cast and bandages all over my . . . Of course he’s still alive, he’s sitting right . . . Right, head on, that’s right, they . . . no I was in his car when my car came around the . . . no I wasn’t in my car, I was in his car when my car came around the . . . right, and hit my car, I mean his car head on, right, the whole . . . how the back of my car got damaged too? No that was something else, driving out here I stopped by the side of the . . . Well of course I was in my car when I drove it out here, how do you . . . Now wait, wait, let me start at the beginning. My car was stolen right here in front of the school and when I . . . What keys . . . No, before I drove out here my car was in a garage where they . . . in New York, yes, where they must have taken my address off my license and made duplicate keys for every . . . What do you mean? Because they walked right in the front door and carried out all three televisions, the washer, dryer, stereo, sauna, both slide projectors, the short wave . . . No, the reason the watch is on a separate claim is because it was a separate incident, I was driving up the . . . yes in my car, yes! I know it’s hard to . . . Well all right I know it all sounds . . .! No, when the claims adjuster from your company came up to see me in the hospital I gave him all this information and he . . . Well how could I give him complete descriptions without saying that every one of them was . . . what? What do you mean I . . . Well what do you mean it sounds like my testimony has racial overtones, how could . . . All right racial undertones, could I help it if every . . . All right could I help it if . . . what? What if they did find my keys in the ignition, it’s my car isn’t it? wasn’t it? Look you’re supposed to be my . . . No but your company is supposed to be my . . . No, I told him that happened when I was driving out here, I stopped for a light and a car pulled up beside me full of . . . what? Ripped it right off my wrist yes, before I could even . . . Trying to make the whole thing sound like a what? Look I’m not shouting but could I help it if . . .

  —Get the phone, it’s sliding off the . . .

  —Could I help it if every one of them was a . . . hello?

  —Hurt your head Dan?

  —No it’s, it’s all right I’m, I was just trying to pick up all these papers . . .

  —Hello? Are you . . . who?

  —I’m sorry, I squeezed the button when I caught it and . . .

  —Who the, how did that happen. Somebody calling you here, Whiteback. He must have hung right up in my face.

  —Yes excuse me, hello? This is Mister . . . Pecci?

  —He tells me I’m imagining a conspiracy and then hangs up in my face, how do you like that.

  —Yes no Mister Pecci isn’t here no, no he should be here in a . . . in the newspaper this morning yes, the smear story that is to say, of course the . . . no your name wasn’t mentioned, it just said the Town Board yes, the . . . yes Ganganelli, call Ganganelli, he . . . who? No, no Glancy hasn’t shown up, no we thought he was out sick but they said his car isn’t standing in his drive where he usually . . . oh he did? Yes well we’ve had some inquiries about it down to the bank, all bills he was sure that he’d paid yes, he showed me the stubs but the checks have never come in for payment, of course his wife had withdrawn nine hundred and eighty-three . . . Mrs Glancy yes, she . . . yes well of course I should be talking about this on the other telephone here, the line to the bank that is to . . . yes no don’t call back, no, call Ganganelli . . .

  —Did you hear that Whiteback? Tells me I’m accusing them of a conspiracy and then hangs up in my face, what did I tell you that day he was in here. Not a word out of him, he just sat there taking it all in, am I right? Look at their face and you don’t know what’s going on inside, am I right? Talking about racial o
vertones, whose insurance company does he think he’s working for, am I right Dan?

  —Maybe he meant, when they take you to court maybe he meant you should . . .

  —Take me to court? Who’s taking me to court.

  —Well I heard, I think I heard Buzzie’s family was . . .

  —Taking me to court? I’ll take them to court, what do they think they, you saw that kid Whiteback, one look at his face and you could see he was so hopped up before he ran out of here . . .

  —Yes well of course the ahm, communityrelationswise that is to say we ahm, excuse me . . . hello? Oh, yes Gottlieb just called, yes, I told him to call you, he . . . Yes no simply because he was sitting on the Town Board when you presented the Flo-Jan offer to lease the town dock and he thinks they’re trying to make some connection between him and ahm, the loan, the connection between the bank’s directors and the unsecured loan to ahm, to embarrass us down to the bank that is to say, he . . . what? No not that loan no, yes no of course that suggestion of seizing the assets if his Ace Transportation defaults on its loan is just an attempt to embarrass me as ahm, seizing the school buses that is to say, as a . . . to Pecci yes, Mister Pecci, of course as he said in his statement anyone who tries to serve the public must expect smear stories but . . . in public office yes but of course the attempt to embarrass me as . . . yes no I’m not running for anything, no . . .

  —Hello? No he’s on the other phone here, he . . . wait here he is.

  —Yes hello . . .? Yes well classes should start at any ahm, as soon as homeroom is over that is to ahm . . . yes I heard the bell too but of course the . . . no it’s the Constitution, the United States Constitution yes, yes do you happen to know how long it . . . hung up yes, Dan? Can you tell how many pages he still has to go there? look like you’re following it pretty closely that is to . . .

  —No I was, I was looking at his suit.

  —Yes well it’s a nice enough suit of course but the sleeves don’t seem to ahm, when I saw him come in this morning his pants hardly reached his ankles that is to say, yes which is all right of course but it made the old straw slipper he was wearing on one foot look like he’d ahm, more like he’d ahm . . .