J R

  —Not her God no I mean Rhoda this Rhoda you’ve been, what the hell has she done just moved in here? I came in here this morning door standing open a process server right behind me some slob in overalls on the phone she was in the tub bouncing her . . .

  —Look Tom she’s just a, little outspoken but there’s not a mean bone in her body really just a sweet kid who . . .

  —Sweet kid? Rhoda a sweet kid? She’s a, my God she’s a pig Jack sitting here scratching nothing but an old shirt she sat here spreading her legs nothing but an old shirt around her sitting here pushing it at me what do you think I . . .

  —Glad things worked out Tom listen, something ser . . .

  —What with her? Be like, my God it would be like one of those plastic things you fill with warm water will you tell me what the hell you think you’re doing with her Jack? She said the last person you want to see’s this black haired chick she calls her says you wouldn’t even answer the phone . . .

  —No listen . . .

  —Can’t you see what she’s trying to do? So damn jealous there’s a woman you have halfway intelligent intercourse with she only knows one meaning because it’s all she’s got to offer sitting here spread out sniffing what is it cocaine? She went out of here this morning for a job so high she could hardly . . .

  —Tom what the hell do you expect, kid like that she lives in a scene where hallucination is confused with vision all she . . .

  —What like seeing you and your neater sweeter maiden making, balling was that a hallucination?

  —Couldn’t have said that it’s ridiculous, she . . .

  —That’s what I’m telling you believe a damn word she says, she said she watched you balling this black haired chick through that back window in Schramm’s said it was some . . .

  —She couldn’t have we never, wait that blonde look it was just that blonde from the subway I found in Penn Station she showed up here once in a black wig Christ the whole thing’s irrelevant anyhow if you’ll just lis . . .

  —Jack she’s out to destroy you is that irrelevant? The way she destroyed Schramm she’s out to destroy all of us is that irrelevant!

  —No now listen you know God damned well she didn’t destroy Schramm, you know God damned well what destroyed Schramm sitting on the floor back there babbling Hart Crane there is a world dimensional for those untwisted by the love of . . .

  —She could have stopped him what’s the difference and it’s not a world anyhow, it’s the world. There is the world dimen . . .

  —Tom Christ! time for such God damned quibbles listen something I . . .

  —No you listen she was here that night, did you know that? Here waiting for him when he came back right out in the hall there waiting she finally admitted it, broke down here this morning admitted she’d been . . .

  —Wait she couldn’t have been there when he . . .

  —Hid she hid, she watched him come in hid in the stairwell in the dark there sneaked out when he got inside I told you that night didn’t I! that she could have stopped him? that she was . . .

  —Tom?

  —What?

  —Nobody’s blaming you for Schramm.

  —What do you, what the hell do you mean nobody’s blaming me who’s blaming me!

  —I just said Tom, nobody.

  —But why did you say it what the hell made you say a thing like that you, you know damn well she’s the only reason I let him leave that night, last shred of confidence as a man he was down there with those lines of Tolstoy there was something terribly lacking between what I felt and what I could do and she, she might as well have strangled him herself that knot between her legs she . . .

  —Christ look can’t you see it wasn’t any of that! it was, it was worse than that? It was whether what he was trying to do was worth doing even if he couldn’t do it? whether anything was worth writing even if he couldn’t write it? Hopping around with that God damned limp trying to turn it all into something more than one more stupid tank battle one more stupid God damned general, trying to redeem the whole God damned thing by . . .

  —Yes that folder of his, have you seen it? Old manila folder you were waving it around at Beamish that night? Jack?

  —What.

  —Meant to tell you I found a letter from Beamish in this mess we each owe Schramm’s estate sixty-eight dollars for estate taxes, has to be paid before these bequests can be handed out reminds me these papers I told him I’d give Mrs Schramm, I found them in the pocket of this jacket this morning completely forgot to, what’s the matter.

  —Never mind. Look, do you want something to eat?

  —Eat? I thought there was something you wanted to talk about.

  —Just going to tell you I spent the morning down at the hospital being tested, they . . .

  —What are you upset about then aren’t I the one who’s been telling you to see a doctor? Where did you go, I . . .

  —Went down to . . .

  —Should have gone in myself while I still had that company insurance plan, this pain I’ve been getting right under here it’s . . .

  —Wait tell me about your eye Tom, first tell me all about your eye.

  —My eye?

  —Detached retina, told me you had a detached retina . . .

  —Oh, oh you know what happened I think it healed itself, the doctor I called said that was practically unknown in medical . . .

  —And your tooth yes I meant to ask about your tooth, reminded me of that great line of Pascal’s about toothache how the hell’s your tooth.

  —My too . . .

  —Angry looking vein in your forehead there too, hope it’s not . . .

  —Look Jack what the hell are you trying to . . .

  —Trying to tell you I’m going to die.

  —To, what do you . . .

  —Told me I’ve got leukemia haven’t long to live that’s all.

  —But you, who told you who . . .

  —Blood tests laboratory doctors the whole God damned crew down there, got a white count up in the bil . . .

  —No but look that’s absurd you couldn’t just . . .

  —Why what’s wrong with being absurd, people all over the place being broiled like chops on the highway getting heart attacks cancer dandruff I just drew one that’s . . .

  —And look Jack don’t try to pretend to me you don’t think it’s serious, you . . .

  —Well God damn it I know it’s serious! what do you think I, told me to come back in the morning to check it but good Christ . . .

  —Why didn’t they just keep you there if they really thought you no look Freddie, Jack ask him not to fool with that marionette will you, I’ve been . . .

  —Not hurting it Tom the God damned thing’s already . . .

  —No but I’ve been trying to fix it I thought I’d take it up to him next time, familiar old toys they might give him back a little sense of security Jack we, we told him about it yesterday the worst thing I’ve ever been through. She wanted me to tell him I said look damn it you’re the one who’s done it who’s moved out you tell him he just stood there he, he turned and walked out he hardly made it Jack I went out and found him just standing there carried him back in crying all he could say was, was wouldn’t I, wouldn’t I be lonely can’t even talk about it . . .

  —Tom there’s noth . . .

  —Marian up there acting like a, I rented a car drove up there to see them acting like a brave war widow she’s already papered his bedroom herself, four years she couldn’t even clean his room downtown now she papers one overnight wants to know if I’ll pay for a bed he’s, Jack he’s got four pictures of me lined up by his, by this little cot he sleeps on so used to him being right where I God I, I stopped in a bar last night two or three drinks a man standing there with his shoe untied I almost grabbed him told him to tie his shoe I’ve got to get out of that place downtown Jack, came in last night I had a few more drinks woke up at three sitting on the couch I jumped up ran to his room to make sure he was all right just the,
nothing there just the bed I, look I think I’ll have a drink where’s the, what is it what’s out there.

  —Where.

  —Out the window, I thought you saw something out the window.

  —Just looking out the window Tom. I’m just looking out the God damned window.

  —Oh. Did I tell you she’s already complaining about the house up there? Says the refrigerator’s too big things get lost in it the one we had downtown she complained was too small she couldn’t shop ahead but one night I remember when I found some veal gravy she’d put behind the, where are you going . . .

  —Fix something to eat, fix some veal Marengo how does that sound Freddie? Haven’t eaten all day God knows the last time Freddie had any God damned string tangled up here what’s, gum stuck all over his here wait get your sock off how the hell did this get here?

  —Somebody jiggling it outside the window there I finally reached out and . . .

  —Tom why the hell did you do that.

  —Why did I do it because it was driving me crazy! trying to, to get some work done here I finally . . .

  —No but why did you have to do it Tom, somebody up there only God damned thing keeps them going’s maybe they’ll get that quarter out there why couldn’t you just let them . . .

  —What quarter what are you talking about Jack how can you, fixing chicken Marengo look you’re not even . . .

  —Veal Marengo Tom, veal Marengo.

  —All right veal Marengo! You can’t even, how the hell can you fix it the oven’s full of mail there’s no gas anyhow what do you . . .

  —Freeze dried Tom don’t need the stove at all do we Freddie, add hot water got plenty of God damned hot water here just drop this dried up thing in it unfolds into veal Marengos like those God damned Japanese paper flowers got some grape drink too, we can . . .

  —Damn it Jack listen what are you trying to do I mean how real is all this anyhow, they gave you some tests told you to come back tomorrow what . . .

  —Anemia swollen lymph nodes astronomical white count how God damned real do you want it to be! Kills thirty thousand a year chronic and acute models, chronic lets you hang around a year or two tell all your friends goodbye twenty times, mine looks like the God damned sports model get there faster now do you . . .

  —So you’re going to sit here in wet clothes and . . .

  —Going to sit here with Freddie drink this God damned grape drink and eat this God damned veal Marengo aren’t we Freddie, read aloud from Skyscraper Management have a few choruses on the guitar and wait for the God damned telephone to look out there she is . . .!

  —Watch that mail! damn it . . .

  —Yes hello? hello . . .? No who’s . . . looking for what . . .? Look call the company’s public relations agency they can . . . no what here? No listen . . . wouldn’t advise it right now no we . . . No no just a, a bomb scare yes we just had a bomb scare they’re . . . yes clearing the building right now goodb . . . sorry can’t wait yes goodbye . . .

  —What was that, see why I took the phone off?

  —Christ knows something of Bast’s, school field trip wants to tour company headquarters can’t find it listen Tom how long was this God damned thing off the hook she might have called back and . . .

  —She didn’t call back I just told you that Jack, the only call you had was some lawyer named Coen he said Mrs Angel told him I might know where you were, look while I think of it . . .

  —No but wait did he say what it was about?

  —Something about what you did with that stock you had in her father’s company and her husband, he said her husband had had a misadventure look while I . . .

  —What Norman? What happened what did he . . .

  —Just said he’s had a misadventure look while I . . .

  —No but Stella did he say she’d call or anything, or . . .

  —Didn’t ask him I thought she was the last person you wanted to hear from, things you’ve said about her God compared to Marian with the knives out demanding a winner you just ask for it sometimes Jack, you . . .

  —Whole God damned point no you don’t know what Stella’s asking of you, finally realize she’s not asking a God damned thing never expected a God damned thing you end up not asking a God damned thing of yourself that’s what I, this book why it’s going to be so God damned hard to tell . . .

  —I know look while I think of it, has somebody named Gall ever called me here?

  —I just, no.

  —Young writer I gave him my play to read strange I’ve never heard from him, he really pressed me for a look at it I thought he could read it with a fresh eye sort of this generation point of view he showed up there one day in my office just before I quit, said he was a great admirer of my novel did I ever tell you what that secretary asked me Jack? Girl named Carol she’d just heard I’d written a book she was really wide eyed, first the standard what’s it about how long is it how long did it take you and then do you know what she said? Where are you going . . .

  —Get some grape drink. Like some grape drink Freddie?

  —Jack what the hell is this about grape drink haven’t you got some scotch?

  —Just grape drink Tom, acquired taste have to get used . . .

  —No look something like this happening and you’re drinking grape drink Jack what do you . . .

  —Like what Tom. Something like what.

  —I mean your, what you just said they told you at the hospital what do you think I . . .

  —Just didn’t think you’d heard me.

  —What do you mean of course I heard you, why I can’t see you sitting here waiting for the phone drinking grape drink with this hanging over your . . .

  —Because I don’t want to show up full of scotch when she calls can’t you see that! because it’s going to be hard enough to, to tell her this, about this book tell her I’ll never finish it never write it Christ one thing the one God damned thing she ever really thought I . . .

  —Wait what’s that, listen . . .

  —What . . .

  —No I thought I heard something, somebody out there at the door did I bring in those cigarettes?

  —Right there under your . . .

  —Yes and Carol I was telling you did I tell you? what she said? She asked me if it was interesting, if my novel was interesting imagine asking a novelist that? if his novel’s interesting?

  —Really can’t, Tom. Imagine that Freddie? Asking a nov . . .

  —No it’s strange you know that sense of order you get in an office I almost miss it? that sense of intimacy this girl Carol she’d sit on the edge of my desk God I really was stupid you know? short yellow dress probably why she sat that way look right up wherever I look I, Jack I took David for a walk in the woods yesterday even looking up at a tree that open scar where a branch is gone that long oval shaggy edge like the lips pulled open God even coffee this morning, pouring milk from the carton how it comes out in spurts Jack I’ve got to tell you this I, last night coming back I stopped for a light down on Third a girl came over and, she came up to the car ten dollars a french right there in the car all I had was a twenty she said she, she said I live right in here my sister can change it Jack I gave her the twenty I just gave it to her, sat there waiting I sat there watching the building waiting for her to come out I must have sat there for ten minutes before I, till I finally . . .

  —Really can’t give me this can you Tom.

  —What give you what . . .

  —Never mind look, do you want something to eat?

  —No now wait give you what I, Jack I just told you something I’d never tell anybody all you can say is . . .

  —I said never mind God damn it do you want . . .

  —No now wait damn it this book is that what you mean this book? this excuse you’ve got now for not writing this book you’ve been . . .

  —Excuse Tom Jesus!

  —I just meant look I mean being objective Jack facing it honestly instead of this turning it into this Tolstoy play this,
to make the whole world know what it lost that’s all I’m saying, this I shall write nothing the world will have to understand all by itself . . .

  —Even take this away wouldn’t you Tom, even try to take this away wouldn’t you.

  —All right listen do you know what I found on the floor here cleaning up? Your notes all your notes for this book I put them up here look, footmarks pages torn look at them Jack it was all over before you found this out wasn’t it, before you even went down to the hosp . . .

  —Like that string there, God damned wad of gum on that string out there rain or shine hope they’d get that God damned quarter you couldn’t even let them have that, could you Tom.

  —No now wait . . .

  —You hungry Freddie?

  —No wait listen can’t you see what I, Jack I stopped at a diner last night on the way down sitting alone at that counter I could feel a, grilled cheese sandwich I could almost feel a head inside mine chewing I could hear it like a hollow, like an old head like an old head inside mine chewing I even looked around to see if anybody else heard it or, or saw it God can’t you see what . . .

  —Look just tell me one . . .

  —Cigarette look at the end of it’s wet teeth separating I mean can’t you see what I . . .

  —Look Tom, do you want any of this God damned veal Marengo or not.

  —No I, no . . .

  —You Freddie? What do you, wait what the hell’s going on out there . . .

  —Is that, sounds like somebody at the door . . .

  —First class funeral out front three, four black Cadillacs bastards came a little early didn’t they move your, here get Moody’s out of the way sit right here Freddie vea pasar los cadáveres de sus enemigos how’s that.

  —Jack? Man at the door here you’d better talk to him he . . .

  —Sit in the front door watch the bodies of . . .

  —Says he’s a deputy U S marshal Jack he’s got some kind of subpoena for . . .

  —Bring him in, come in Mister Marshal pick up that cup by your foot there pour you some grape drink, want to bring in the can Tom?

  —Wait now who’s Mister, sorry somebody taking a bath here?

  —No no tub’s free now go right ahead, don’t stand on ceremony here do we Tom hand Mister Marshal one of those little red boxes . . .