Board Stiff

  “Not at all,” Ease echoed.

  Wira showed Ease to his room. “It was nice of you to listen to MareAnn,” she said. “She’s a nice person, but she does miss her unicorns.”

  There was food in the room. Ease ate, cleaned up, and changed to pajamas because Kandy insisted. Then he lay down and slept, still holding the board, which he had never relinquished.

  And she reverted to her natural form. In half a moment she had moved his hand from her ankle to her back. “You did well today,” she murmured.

  The door opened. MareAnn entered. What was she doing here?

  “Hello, Kandy,” she said.

  Kandy was amazed. “You can see me!”

  “Yes. I suspected something was going on; Ease was too alert and sensitive for a typical man. Someone had to be prompting him. So I checked the Good Magician’s archives and found a ghost-seeing spell.”

  Kandy moved the man’s hand back to her ankle so she could sit up or stand. “I’m not a ghost!”

  “Of course you aren’t. But you are invisible in the manner of a ghost, and the spell enables me to see you. I’m sure you could make yourself visible and audible to a person if you chose, however. So I came to talk.”

  That was interesting. Kandy had assumed her nonentity was involuntary, but maybe she did have some control. “When you looked at us, pausing—that’s when you suspected.”

  “Yes. And the man’s responses thereafter were those of a woman rather than a man. But how did you come to be a board?”

  “I made a wish at a wishing well, only I said board instead of bored. Thus I got aboard. But I confess it hasn’t been boring.”

  “Despite not being able to do anything un-innocent with him, despite being bare, lovely, and in contact.”

  “Yes, I really relate to your frustration with Humfrey.”

  “I suspect that your situation is part of a larger destiny. But I actually came to beg a favor.”

  “A favor? I can’t do anything.”

  “You can influence Ease. You have been doing a marvelous job with him.”

  “Well, yes, when I try. But that’s strictly an immediate personal thing, mostly stopping him from making a fool of himself, and waking him when danger threatens.”

  “That is good. But you can do more.”

  “What more? Kissing him asleep isn’t satisfying.”

  MareAnn smiled reminiscently. “I know. You may not like what I ask.”

  This was evidently not incidental. “What do you ask?”

  “My talent is for summoning and taming equines, but I have sympathy for other animals too. A young female came here, seeking romance, as so many do. Humfrey invoked a spell to convert her to human form, and it is a most winsome one, but she remains no closer to her objective. I would like you to get Ease to take her on his quest. She can be useful as a bodyguard. Somewhere out there she may be able to find a human man who will properly appreciate her. She really deserves that; she’s worthy.”

  MareAnn was being too cautious. “What’s the catch?”

  “She’s a basilisk.”

  Kandy stared at her. “Their gaze is deadly!”

  “So is their breath, and their very odor. That’s why she has a problem. No one can get close to her and live.”

  “She would kill Ease!”

  “No. It is her direct gaze that kills. She wears dark glasses to mask it. And her lethal odor has been converted to intoxicating perfume. A man could hold his breath.”

  “She’s winsome in human form? Ease would be interested. He would hold his breath.”

  “Yes. Extremely. The conversion spell made her a virtually perfect human specimen.”

  “So why do you think I would want her with us? She’s mischief, whether considered as a killer or a one-breath stand.”

  “I know this is difficult. Kandy, she needs a human friend. One who could caution her the way you caution Ease. Who would have some understanding of her situation. You could be that friend.”

  She was horrified. “To a basilisk?”

  “Her origin is her curse, the way becoming a board is yours. But if she can navigate it, she has a chance to be happy, as you do.”

  Kandy realized that the woman was getting to her. She did understand the frustration of not being properly understood or appreciated. “One thing: could you give her some of that spell, so she could see and hear me?”

  “I could mix it in with her perfume. But I repeat, you can make yourself apparent to others when you choose to, and after the initial effort, they will see you without trouble.”

  “Okay.” Kandy hoped she was not making a disastrous mistake.

  “Thank you. I will introduce her to Ease tomorrow, after you have seen Humfrey.”

  “I think I’d rather meet her first.”

  “If you wish. I can bring her here.”

  “Do that.”

  MareAnn departed, and Kandy stewed in her own pondering. A basilisk! One of the most deadly creatures known. She had to be her friend? And suppose Ease did decide to hold his breath? How could Kandy ever constrain her jealousy?

  MareAnn returned with what looked like a nymph: a supremely endowed young woman without clothing. Her heavy dark glasses only added to her appeal. Kandy’s jealousy magnified.

  “Kandy, this is Astrid Basilisk-Cockatrice,” MareAnn said formally. “Astrid, this is Kandy, who is spelled to be a board when Ease is awake.”

  “I think I am pleased to meet you,” Astrid said.

  She had evidently not had a lot of experience with human beings. She would indeed need guidance. “You need clothing,” Kandy said.

  “But you are not clothed.”

  Touche. “I lost my clothes when I became a board. I normally am not visible. But you will be active by day. Unclothed you will freak out any man who sees you.”

  “I am not comfortable with clothing,” Astrid said. “But I will accept your guidance. I will find clothing. What do you recommend?”

  “Panties, bra, socks, shoes, dress. Donned in roughly that order.”

  “I will search out these things,” MareAnn said, departing.

  “I think you do not want me with you,” Astrid said. “Nobody does.”

  This needed to be finessed. “MareAnn said you could be a bodyguard. I’m not sure how that would work. If your presence is lethal to monsters, isn’t it similarly lethal to us?”

  “It is not the sight of me that kills,” Astrid said. “It is my direct gaze. As long as I mask it, you are safe. But should a monster come, I would remove my glasses and stare at it. Only at it. It would die. If less is needed, I can use only one eye to stun, or stand close, masked, and the monster would become intoxicated and be unable to attack. I should be able to protect you.”

  So it seemed. “As long as you remember who your friends are.”

  “If I had any friends, I would remember.”

  Ouch. “I am with Ease, here, whom you will formally meet tomorrow. He likes the look and feel of women. He may seek to—to be close to you.”

  “I would like that.”

  Ouch, again.

  “I mean to kiss you and feel you and do things he shouldn’t.”

  “That would be nice. I have no human experience, and would like some.”

  She had no romantic experience because every creature she got close to died. Kandy knew she had no right to be jealous of the girl’s potential with Ease, but she was. She needed to handle this the way a sensible person would. “To summon the stork with you.”

  “The stork?”

  And of course she had no knowledge of that human convention. “Men and women—they get together and arrange to send a signal to the stork, who then brings them a baby.”

  “A baby!” Astrid exclaimed. “A baby what?”

  There was a question. “In your case, probably a crossbreed, half human, half basilisk. It might be awkward for you.”

  “I don’t want a baby! At least not yet. I have to learn all about the human culture first, and fi
nd a man to keep. Then maybe we could send for a baby whatever.”

  Good enough. “So you will need to avoid signaling the stork.”

  “Yes! And kissing and feeling does that?”

  “In some magic lands, yes. But here in Xanth it takes a little more. You should be safe if you just keep him out of your panties.”

  Astrid looked at the sleeping man. “I don’t think he would fit in them.”

  “I mean you should try to keep him from doing anything with any part of you that is covered by them.”

  “Oh. That should be easy enough.”

  “That depends on the man.” Kandy hoped she would not have to explain about aggressive men who did not seem to know the meaning of “no.”

  Astrid shook her head, bemused. “It is odd that storks require such obscure signaling. Why hide the mechanism in panties?”

  “It’s protected zone. Just looking at panties can freak a man out.”

  “Then how can he ever--?”

  “When you really want to signal the stork, you take them off.”

  “Oh. Now I understand. I think. It’s a good deal less subtle with basilisks.”

  Kandy did not inquire about that, but realized that basilisks probably did not gaze soulfully into each other’s eyes. They probably just went at it.

  MareAnn returned with an armful of clothing. In short order Astrid donned panties, bra, and socks. The dress was more complicated. MareAnn had brought three of them, so that the girl could choose what she preferred. One was pink with frills, another was blue with ribbons, and the third was metallic gray with flashing sequins. “Oh, how did that get in with the others?” MareAnn exclaimed. “That’s not supposed to be here.”

  “That’s the one!” Astrid said, delighted. “It’s the color of snakeskin, with pretty scales.”

  “But it’s dangerous,” MareAnn protested. “It belongs in the hazardous artifact chamber along with the New Clear Bombs, Poise & Gas, and other dreadful magic. I’ll put it there and fetch you a safe dress.”

  “No, no!” Astrid protested. “This is the one I want. It will make me feel comfortable in this alien body.”

  MareAnn looked at Kandy. “What do you say?” She plainly wanted a corroborating opinion.

  But Kandy was curious. “Just what is it about this dress that makes it hazardous?”

  “This outfit is called the Sequins of Events. The sequins are loosely attached and tend to fall off during activity. When one does, the dress is disturbed and loses its color, becoming translucent. When the sequin is replaced, it triggers its Event, which can be anything from an incidental encounter to a full-fledged adventure. All those in the vicinity of the dress are caught up in the Event, and can’t escape it until it runs its course. That can be extremely inconvenient, even life-threatening. So this is not a dress to be trifled with. I will exchange it for a safer one.”

  But Astrid hugged the dress. “This is the one I want.”

  “I think she has decided,” Kandy said. “She deserves to wear what makes her comfortable.”

  MareAnn glared at her. “But--”

  “I speak as her friend,” Kandy said.

  And MareAnn had asked her to be the friend that Astrid needed. She could not argue this case. She folded, or rather unfolded the dress. “Just be careful. Very careful.”

  “I will,” Astrid promised raptly as she donned the dress. Kandy had to admit that she looked exquisite in it; it fit her perfectly. Then she donned slippers and was complete.

  “So be it,” MareAnn said grimly. “It is time for us to go. Ease is about to wake.”

  “Wake?” Astrid asked.

  “I become a board,” Kandy explained. “I can see and hear and send my thoughts, but I can’t move or speak on my own.”

  “Oh, you’re enchanted too!” Astrid came to hug her, briefly. “You truly understand. Thank you for being my friend.”

  “You’re welcome,” Kandy said, discovering that she meant it. Astrid was a nice girl despite her origin. Despite her perfume, that made Kandy feel dizzy.

  Then Ease woke. Kandy was a board again.

  “Oh!” Astrid said, taken aback. Fortunately the man was not facing her, and did not see her.

  I’M STILL HERE, Kandy projected.

  “Still here,” Astrid agreed.

  Ease rolled over and went back to sleep. Kandy reverted to woman form. “He doesn’t know,” she said. “And I think it best not to tell him. He must find out for himself. That seems to be that nature of the enchantment.”

  “Yes, enchantments must be honored,” Astrid agreed. “I will delay telling him my nature, too, when we meet tomorrow.”

  Then MareAnn ushered her out of the room and Kandy was alone.

  Now it occurred to her that the real challenge of the Good Magician’s Castle had not been Ease’s struggling his way into it, but hers: to sincerely befriend the least lovable of creatures, a basilisk. Amazingly, she was doing it.

  Chapter 3:

  Event

  Kandy spent the remainder of the night pondering her situation. Now not only was she a stiff board by day and a frustrated ghost by night, she had to be friends with a converted basilisk. But she had to admit it was adventure of a sort. Meanwhile, there was a certain satisfaction in being able to hug and kiss Ease without him trying to take over the relationship. If all men behaved that well she wouldn’t have had any problem. He was handsome and naive, which were commendable qualities in a man, and she did like him. But she had to admit that the nights did get dull. Maybe a man’s ideal woman was a tacit zombie, letting him do anything he wanted, but a woman’s ideal man did have some initiative.

  Initiative. Maybe she could at least simulate that. She took his hand and moved it to her bottom, stroking it. She felt his fingers quiver; on some level they knew what they were touching.

  “Stop that,” she murmured, while continuing the motion. “Stop it or I’ll kiss you, you naughty man.” When his hand didn’t stop, she did kiss him. He reacted to that too, but not enough to wake. She could not afford to overdo it, lest he find himself stroking a board. But it was fun in its fashion.

  In the morning Ease woke. Kandy promptly tuned out, not interested in overseeing his routine natural functions. But she overslept, because when she woke Ease was just entering the Good Magician’s dark cramped den. Well, Ease evidently hadn’t needed her; Wira or MareAnn must have guided him. That faintly annoyed her, ironically; she preferred to be in charge, even if she got no credit for it.

  Good Magician Humfrey was a gnomish little man who looked to be a hundred years old, by no coincidence. He peered up from his giant open tome. “Who are you?”

  Ease was taken aback. “I’m Ease. You’re finally ready to see me.”

  “I saw you years ago, and sent you away, and later regretted it.”

  “Yes. Now I’m back.”

  Humfrey made a little shrug of impatience. “What do you want this time?”

  “I want the perfect weapon, the perfect adventure, or the perfect woman: your choice.” He had evidently forgotten that he had decided on personal satisfaction for his Question. Well, these would do.

  Humfrey scowled. He did it well; he had the face for it. “I don’t give people things, I provide Answers. What is your Question?”

  For a moment Ease was at a loss, not having anticipated this distinction. So Kandy prompted him. HOW CAN I GET ANY OF THESE THINGS?

  “How--”

  “I heard,” Humfrey said curtly.

  Both Ease and Kandy were surprised. “You heard my thought?” Ease asked.

  The Good Magician paused slightly, glancing at the board. Obviously he knew about Kandy, which wasn’t surprising, considering that his wife knew. “In a manner. Here is my Answer: you already have all three of those things. You have merely to realize it.”

  Kandy felt her sap warming with pleasure. She knew she was the perfect weapon for Ease, because she guided his clumsy strikes to make them score. He must be in his perfect adventure, ma
ybe still unfolding. And according to the Good Magician she was his perfect woman. She really appreciated that recognition.

  Humfrey looked directly at her and nodded ever so slightly. Oh yes, he knew. And wasn’t telling.

  “But all I have is this board,” Ease protested. “I don’t even know where I’m going. And where is my perfect woman?”

  “Your dream girl,” Humfrey said.

  “My dream girl,” Ease repeated. “She is perfect. She has the most marvelous rear, and her kisses--” Then he realized he was speaking aloud. “What about her?”

  “You will achieve her when you are worthy of her, and recognize her, and kiss her.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Par for the course,” Humfrey said. “That is why you will need Companions on your Quest. They may have some of the sense you lack.” It seemed that diplomacy was not the Good Magician’s strong point.

  “Quest?”

  “My assignment for you, in return for my Answer.”

  “But--”

  STIFLE IT. Kandy knew that the Good Magician had given a Good Answer, and that argument was worse than pointless.

  Humfrey nodded faintly again. Kandy was coming to understand why folk had so much trouble with his Answers: they simply didn’t know enough to appreciate their relevance. Maybe it required the ordeal of a Quest to educate them enough to appreciate what they had.

  “Now some necessary background,” Humfrey said. Then he paused, looking annoyed. “Oh, bleep!”

  “Bleep?” Kandy was curious too. This did not seem like the Good Magician she had heard about.

  Humfrey sighed. “I must explain. I hate explaining, but this time I have to. Every so often, maybe once in a decade, I foul up. That interferes with my interaction with the Book of Answers here.” He tapped the page. “When that happens, the Answer goes not into this book where it belongs, but into the Book of Lost Answers, where I have to look it up. It’s a bleeping nuisance. But there’s a problem.”

  A PROBLEM? Kandy couldn’t help herself; she was womanishly curious.